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Originally posted by PassedKarma
I absolutely do NOT want to go on medication. I already eat extremely healthy (paleo diet) and exercise very regularly.
Had to get that out of the way. Ok. I have been battling extreme depression for the past 6 months or so. It's so bad it is now affecting my health. I've been depressed off and on for 10 years. But it always seems to be circumstantial. While it has been unfortunate circumstances these past 6 months, I have been barely able to cope. Or I haven't been able to cope. I had a suicide attempt in June. Which just made things worse. I shut my life down with no intentions of coming back. And I did... and I haven't been able to pick up the pieces.
Long long story very very short.... I just don't know how to be happy anymore. I desperately want to be happy. But I am not. I hate going to sleep at night because I know I have to get up and face another miserable day. I plead with God to just end my life. Or the universe. I don't even know if I believe in God anymore. I have 2 kids who need me and I feel guilty that I can not give them what they deserve. Or be the mother they deserve.
I have been left and abandoned time and time again. I've been told I will never be good enough over and over. That I'm worthless. A failure. A user (as in using people) and so on. I KNOW that I am none of these things. But I think my subconscious believes those things.
I just want to feel better. I want to live again. Everytime I start, something horrible happens and it just brings me back to how I am feeling now. I feel like there is nothing to do to get out of this cycle. I have tried everything. And nothing has worked. I feel as though I am being buried alive extremely slowly. That's the best way to describe it. Has anyone ever overcome depression without medication? I'm also not one for those positive affirmations they tell you to repeat to yourself. I'm a very cynical person. I don't believe in "God won't give you more than you can handle" If that were true, people wouldn't be trying to commit suicide. Or "everything happens for a reason". I have not seen any reason for some of the recent events in my life. NO MATTER WHAT the alternatives could have been, there has been absolutely NO REASON for some of the things that have happened. And I doubt I will see what the reasons are later on.
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