I'm about to make a big fool out of myself, again. Here's some of the story, I'll try not to bore you with what you've surely heard a thousand times
before. There's the ex that I never got over. 3 years ago I ended it, mainly to test whether her feelings were true (lots of stress on both of us at
the time as well). Needless to say, it backfired on me and she didn't seem to care an awful lot. I sold my guitar at the time and purchased a ring, to
show that I was sorry and all that, some sort of grand gesture to win her back. Unfortunately for me, she didn't take me back. A few of her girl
friends had an awful lot to say about me and convinced her of what a terribly lacking person I am (ironically now they have since fallen out and have
become somewhat bitter rivals). We argued much about the status of that ring and what it meant. Eventually, I demanded she give it back. I heaved it
into the distance in front of her...
It was at this time I fell into a deep depression. I would constantly try to talk to her and send messages. We argued and said many nasty things to
each other. This went on for quite some time, perhaps a year and a half. She refused to see me in person (I understand and respect that, when thinking
about it logically), and this annoyed me greatly. This charade went on and on, name calling, insults and threats of violence (on both parts).
Eventually, all my friends were sick of hearing about it and her friends were too.
We stopped contacting each other over a year ago. Recently, I saw her at a pub I often go to. Initially, I was full of rage, remembering all that had
been said. I downed several beers and finally went up and talked to her. Poof. The bitterness was gone. We managed a conversation and had a good time.
I'm usually a very awkward and shy person, but for some reason, I felt supremely confident. I made sure to make eye contact (a rarity for me) and in
return I got 'that look' (do you know the one I mean, or am I kidding myself?). This simple event was a huge milestone for me. It showed me on one
hand that I didn't really hate this person at all, and that in spite of all I had said to her, she didn't hate me either. Considering the things that
I have said to her, this was really surprising. I detected that she still cared about me.
The week after that, I tried to talk to her via text message asking if she would like to be friends with me now, as I was done with this game of
abusing each other, and I thought we were both lonely and could use a friend. She told me that I had destroyed that chance long ago and she didn't
want to have anything to do with me. Being the way that I am, I had some not so nice things to say about that and again we abused each other.
At this point, the only way that she would talk to me is if I sent increasingly nasty messages in order to get a reaction. I also realised that some
part of her was playing along with this. She could have chosen not to reply at any point. It was some kind of psychological warfare, a game.
Previously, months would pass and then out of the blue I would get an abusive message from her, so it did go both ways. I enjoyed this in a painful
way, as it meant she was still thinking about me somehow. As sick as it may be, this is what was going on. I accept the responsibility for my part,
but I feel that it wasn’t just me that was continuing this ‘thing’. I happen to know that she is rather lonely, I think she enjoyed the
attention some how.
On Sunday night, I was with my two best friends. As I was heading home from the weekly folk session I attend, we made a last minute decision to call
into my ex's new place. She happens to live with my friends ex girlfriend as well, you see. My friend is moving away soon and he thought he might like
to see his girl one more time. They knocked on the door while I waited outside. I didn't dare come in; even I could see how weird that would be. But
sure enough, my friend came back to the car and said they want me to come inside and say hello. So I grabbed my banjo and headed inside. I sat down
and played a very rude song, to which she took great offence
she went off to sulk in her room. It was at this point I bit the bullet.
I opened the door with the intention of causing a fuss, of demanding that she tell me once and for all that she doesn't care about me, to leave her
alone and just **** off. But once I stepped inside it melted away. I realised then that it wasn't her that I was angry at. I had no bitterness for
this person. I apologised for the song and ensured her it wasn't about her. She was under the covers having a sulk, not really making eye contact with
me at this point. I told her that I never really meant any of the things that I said in those messages, and that all i wanted all along was to talk to
her in person. She didn't say much, but I got the strong feeling that she was thinking, 'Its ok, I knew that anyway'. I asked her to tell me to my
face that she doesn’t want to see me ever again, that she really doesn’t care. She kept silent. Then she asked me, 'why would I want to be friends
with you'? a difficult question to answer I must say, but I said something about me having a different attitude now days, more maturity and so on (not
really a good track record to prove it though).
It seemed to be ok; she didn't ask me to leave (which I was honestly expecting). She poured me a shot of vodka, and we went out for a cigarette. My
friend started singing 'the circle of life'. Being a tragic Disney movie fan, she sang along whole heartedly with a big grin. The irony of the
situation was overwhelming. It was hilarious. We were there maybe an hour, she talked about what she has been doing with her life, had a little gossip
session about these girls (the irony being, they were the ones that convinced her to get rid of me) and just generally goofed around like idiots. I
tried to catch her eye, occasionally I would get 'that look', but she would always then look away. As we left, she made a point of giving my friend a
big hug (you girls know just the right little tricks to play sometimes).
I left feeling very optimistic. I couldn't believe this person hadn't kicked me out of their home, and better yet it seemed they weren't mad at me
despite what had gone on between us. I began to think that all it needed all along was for me to see her in person and have that chat. I felt like she
missed me and wanted to begin a friendship in earnest. She seemed as lonely as I am. I knew that in order for this to happen, I shouldn’t text
message her and try to make her open up to me about all this rubbish that she clearly didn’t want to talk about. I knew that I should no longer
abuse her or beg her to talk to me. I’ve since cracked, and sent a message asking if she would like to be my friend now, to which I’ve received no
reply. I feel as though, this is probably as far as I can push it. Stalemate. She will never want a proper 2 way friendship where we can actually talk
to each other or spend time together, and I understand and respect that, considering the things I have said.
Having seen her and now knowing that she doesn’t completely detest me, I miss her more than ever it seems. I wish that she could hate me enough that
I could let it go, but it seems nothing I say or do can cause that (oh how I’ve tried). If there is no way forward as far as a friendship goes, and
no way back, then it seems this is it. Most sane people would be happy with that, knowing that their ex doesn’t hate them and can be civil in
person. But I’m a little different and perhaps a little bit sick and delusional. So what do I want from her then? I would like to get to the stage
that we could have a drink together and talk to each other, if we’re feeling down or just to catch up every now and then. I could live with that, I
could cope with that, and these days I’m mature enough that I could pull that off without screwing it up. I don’t want to worm my way back in and
have sex with her, nor do I expect her to take me back and just forget everything that’s happened. I do believe though, that she cares about me, and
that I could be a good person for her to know, a person who really cares. But as I’ve said, there’s nothing I can think of that will progress the
situation from this stalemate. I get the rather strong feeling, in ‘that look’ that she wants me to do something, anything, be a little bit
dramatic and take the initiative. What I feel like doing at this point is going out, selling my banjo and buying another ring to replace the one I
threw away. A childish move, but that’s the sort of person I am when it comes to these things.
Ladies (or gents) of ATS, having read this sad and sorry tale of foolish young love, what do you think about this? I do fully expect to be told that
I’m delusional and I should leave this poor person alone. I can see that point of view, and perhaps it would help me to drill it into my think skull
that this person doesn’t care about me and I’m simply deluding myself. I’ve tried to be as honest as I can and not bias the story to make me
appear more innocent than I am. I’ve handled it all terribly and I acknowledge that. Maybe though, if any women are reading this, they can explain
maybe this girl would be feeling from her point of view. If there is anything I can do to help this situation, or not damage it further, I would love
to hear it. This entire piece has been an outlet for me, I’m just reaching out now, however desperate it appears I simply don’t care.
edit on 4-9-2012 by Tasmanaut because: (no reason given)