Can You Love Someone Who is NOT Physically Attractive To You?

I know that physicality is very important these days, whether you yourself think that you are attractive, or not. But I wonder if loving someone both have to be in play. There are some very beautiful people out there, with absolutely horrible attitudes, and they seem to have their dance cards filled, while those that are not 10's remain single, but lovely people with lots of love to give.

And then there are those that are not what most would find to be attractive, and have turned their beautiful attitudes into horrible ones because of the way they have been treated.

Is there a way around this? Does someones choices have to do with what they think of personally or are they worried what others might think? Can a person fall in love with a women that is wearing sweat pants, and is awesome, or does she have to have a mini skirt, and act like an drama queen?

Does a man have to drive a Ferrari, and act like a jerk? Or can a man ride a bike and be loving and caring?

Yes I am fully aware that most people dont want to ride a bike to a date, and men dont want to bring a girl to a party in sweats, but does it matter? And if so... then to who? Can a man say "wow girl you look good in those sweats"? And a women say "your butt looks great from riding that bike"?

Peace, NRE.

Yeah, but the problem is before you fall attractive around them, you need to be around them at all. For example, if your at a gas station and see this pretty lady, your not going to win her by looks at all. You need to express a great(Smartness, charm, intellect)

Most people unless you have time to sit down with a girl won't base you off intellect.

If your smart you will know how to passively charm a girl with just a good personality.(I've seen it done).

I've seen some not so looking good guys who can get some dynamite girls.

Personality and sense of humor is what first attracts me.

Body/face is important too, but is secondary. Most important thing to me is being with someone I enjoy being around.

If I had a choice between having money with someone who is a jerk, or being broke and enjoying the relationship, I choose being broke.

Rotten teeth is the worst physical turnoff I can think of.

Watch the movie Mamitas.

There is always an element of attraction needed between two people to begin a relationship, whether it be physical, straight off attraction, or attraction that comes later once they connect their personalities. This is why you tend to see simular people coupling up (people in the same scene or what not) because they are attracted to the person with simular interests.

What you seem to be explaining is the vanity culture, this is actualy a very small culture compared to what else is out there in western society (not really what TV would have you believe though to be honest, but then again they focus more on the vanity culture than others, mainly because the advertisers can sell more beauty/fasion/vanity products, and the networks make their money from the advertisers).

The real problem with relationships today is narcissism.
You may find someone that says they don’t care about outward or material things; the problem is that our entire society is setup to destroy that ideal.

As a man, after 17 years of marriage ending in divorce, I could easily comment about how Women have changed, but it’s not just Women.

WE have changed, ALL OF US!

Both men and women have changed the way they view relationships. We all bought some kind of BS that says that relationships are 50/50.

The real truth is that lasting relationships are 100%/100%.
That’s pretty hard for most to accept… I submit the current divorce rate as proof.

So, if you find a good one, no matter what they look like, you had better be willing to give 100% if you expect 100% from them.


Flame away.

ETA: Stay Classy ATS!

Attraction pulls, personality keeps.

In todays age, lots of internet romances stimulate the personality connection before the attraction, so one of the great and amazing things that have come from the web is people (older, would say 25+) choosing others based first off on personality..not everyone, the "hotty at the bar" is still the main, but more and more people are choosing based on connection over physical (although if they look great, that is a happy bonus).

No matter who you end up with, there will always be someone more attractive right around the corner..and if you base your love around attraction, then you will find no lasting love...also, when your with someone for ages, they stop being the attractive eye candy you first noticed, they are familiar, and their personality will color your perceptions. If the person has a horrible attitude, or no connection, you will literally see them less and less physically attractive...the opposite also works, if they are plain jane/joe, but with a amazing personality, you will suddenly see things about them that you find alluring that you didn't before.

reply to post by NoRegretsEver


I can love them as a friend...

I assume your meaning " in love" with a partner. If so then attraction is built from many areas that combined in to a thing we call love. No I don't believe you could really love someone who physically repulsed you. Just IMO you need to be attracted to the whole package.
In saying that we all have faults and most are not super model material, I'm talking about what we're willing to compromise on.
Example' my ideal man would be the common tall, strong, tanned, smart, funny, caring, family man with a head full or hair. However my husband is all these things apart from tanned, tall and is missing a few thousand strands of hair and that's fine. I'm Sure as hell probably not his fantasy wife either. But we connect ( most of the time) and love each other ( most of the time lol) and I'm fairly sure we don't physically repulse each other. It's the WHOLE package ( with compromises )

eta: 17 yrs together, 9yrs married. Many changes physically and emotionally.

reply to post by tvtexan

Both men and women have changed the way they view relationships. We all bought some kind of BS that says that relationships are 50/50.

its todays society, you are correct. you forgot to say "you stay classy San Diego"

reply to post by NoRegretsEver


Love? Yes.

Sex? No.

I'm thinking your talking about "love" as in having a relationship outside that of family bounds?

Because I love my parents and my brother. There are close friends of mine that I love and whom I consider family.

But if your talking about for a relationship status like being one's mate. It is up to the individual.

I have been turned off by many girls/women (depending on my age - term appropriate ) that many considered very attractive, but I learned the hard way that attractive is not the best way to find a mate.

No to come off as rude or anything but it was mainly due to factors such as humor, how they treated others and whether I could hold a conservation with them. Some of those I dated, it was like talking to a rock or wall. Pretty pointless and it makes dinner time very uneasy and awkward.

The person whom stole my heart, I fell for because of her humor and sarcasm, her snappy remarks which I could tell for playful and funny. These things interested me, they challenged me and were reasons for which I wanted to ask her out. The way she handled herself and how she treated others awed me. She is able to hold a good conservation for hours on end and her insight into things gave me another way to view stuff.

She is very attractive as well, though I did have friends asked me why I didn't go for someone whom they considered more attractive. But going solely for outer appearance could be very misleading and not exactly something that worked for me. It does work for others but for me, I needed someone whom I could connect with on multiple levels. And I am so grateful each and everyday that our paths crossed. It was a very chance encounter that almost did not happen, I get goosebumps just thinking how lucky I am and chills thinking how close I was to missing out on meeting her.

You should follow your heart and know that if at first you don't succeed in finding your soulmate, do not despair, but picture in your head the qualities that you find the most attractive, whether that be an outward appearance or what's inside. If you keep picturing your perfect mate, you'll find them, and most likely it would be in the most odd ways or random type situations as mine was. What you must do though when you meet them is not the let that moment slip by. You might only have 1 chance to make an impression or 1 chance to ever make the meeting happen.

In case it does happen to come and pass, and you missed it, still do not despair but keep picturing the same qualities that you did as before. Life works in funny and exciting ways. It might be hard to accept what I am saying, I know this because I did not believe in such things until it happened to me.You might by chance meet that person again or might meet another soulmate.

It is my belief that each of us has multiple soulmates, whether they are a relative, friend, or mate, we have several. To think that each of us only has one soulmate is kinda depressing, especially if you take into account that there are 7 billion people in this world and this planet is very old. If you think there is only one soulmate, whats to say that soulmate was not born a thousand years ago? Not a pleasant thought, but do to my experiences I have found that each of us has several soulmates. I have met a few of my soulmates and I happen to go out with one of them the others I am friends with. Others could probably relate to this, a friend that you grew up with, a friend that you might have met in college, a family member (cousin, grandparent, etc) or the person you go out with. A soulmate is someone who connects with you on multiple levels, individuals whom call you just when your thinking about them. A person who knows you better then you know yourself, knows what your thinking or how your feeling. I would say that I have 2 maybe 3 soulmates in my life, people who are so close to me and take care about me in ways that others do not and those whom I would do anything for. I have a connection with them that goes far beyond anything that I have with anyone else I've met. I was just very fortunate, maybe I'm just ridiculously lucky like those who win the lottery more then once.

Just do not despair and one day you'll find someone. Do not be to tied up into looks or you'll miss out on someone great. But if looks is all you want and it makes you happy then go for it. Being happy is what counts. I knew I found my mate when I got this warm fuzzy feeling inside me. Whenever I was near them I had a feeling of happiness and peace. But had I gone solely on looks and not listened to the inner me, I would have missed out on one of the best parts of my life, which has helped shape me to be a better person.

I hope what I typed helps a little, I know it's a lot of read, but hopefully if one or two sentences helps you find your soulmate then it was well worth it.

Good luck in finding your mate.

Originally posted by tvtexan
Both men and women have changed the way they view relationships. We all bought some kind of BS that says that relationships are 50/50.

The real truth is that lasting relationships are 100%/100%.
That’s pretty hard for most to accept… I submit the current divorce rate as proof.

So, if you find a good one, no matter what they look like, you had better be willing to give 100% if you expect 100% from them.

edit on 28-8-2012 by tvtexan because: (no reason given)

I thought that was quite meaningful and inspirational for a slow day at work.

To answer your question, no, you can't.

There's a dynamic in every relationship, and that is physical attraction, but character flaws overwhelm a physical "lust". Reality sets in. The rose colored goggles come off.

The couple nit-picks said personal flaws. Issues slowly develop, and without intense communication, and resolve to compromise, the relationship is doomed.

All that binds is then simple physical attraction. Lose that, and it's over.

With over 6.8 billion people in the world, it's funny how we fail in relationships. I know that personally.

Oh snap, I misread the question.

You could love someone that is not in love with you, but why would you want that type of relationship? It would be best to move on and find someone who would show you the same amount of love that you show them.

reply to post by NoRegretsEver


Confidence is really key moreso than relying on a physical attraction. As you become wiser (and of course older) you tend to be able to spot the asses out of the crowd, and also spot the nicer ones you would consider keepers.

There is a guy at my workplace like that, he reminds me of a peacock, always flashing himself about, and yes, he is quite attractive physically. Despite this, most of the female workers know he is a jerk and would have his way with each and every one each day of the week if they let him, and thus if it were not for the influx of naive (read dumb) customers that don't know better, his life would be very forlorn indeed.

I think physical lust and that kind of attraction is reserved for young hotheads looking to spread their seeds and keep the human race going. Once you reach a certain age, it's quality over quantity, even if it takes a little more time to scratch the sometimes less than visually pleasing surface to find the gold underneath.

About a decade ago a good friend of mine came to my aid at a time when I was deep in the hole and sort of lost. She was not attractive to me in the least and definitely not my type.

But... after she stood up for me when nobody else seemed very interested in doing so, things began to change and I found myself beginning to see her in a different light. She became attractive to me based upon who she was and not what she looked like. The who part overpowered the what... after awhile I found her utterly stunning and beautiful.

We dated for a few years and even lived together for about two years. We had a great relationship. Sadly, time did what time tends to do and we grew apart. But, to this day, I still find her absolutely beautiful. She and I are still very close friends.

So... I would have to say that if you start to love a person - for any reason - they will become beautiful to you whether they were to begin with or not.

Thanks for posting this NRE! As always, thought provoking and pleasant!

~Heff

Well... you better learn, because looks are fleeting in life. People age, start to sag, time and wrinkles set in, trim figures aren't so trim after a couple of decades..

Further, looks are only part of the equation... got to have some personality and the ability to have an independent thought.

Originally, there has to be some attraction... and what we find attractive varies from person to person. After dating, we fall in love with the person, the individual on the inside... that's why my wife doesn't understand how I can see her in a frumpy old t-shirt with her hair a mess, no make up... and think she is incredibly hot... or see her in a pair of cutoffs, a torn, dirty t-shirt, and muck boots feeding our farm animals and she can't believe I want to get it on in the barn.

A piece of advice I give my younger friends when they say they have fallen in love and getting married... If she/he were in a horrible, disfiguring accident...could you still love them? If you could not... it ain't love but lust.

Love is for better or for worse... worse, the part most folks seem to look over in a relationship. It is easy to "love' someone when they are tight and trim and built like a brick sh_t house, but what about when they have had a baby and now have that baby tummy fat, their neck is a little thicker, and when they wear shorts, their butt looks like cottage cheese... still interested? Maybe he was Mr football star, but is now balding, thick around the middle, and the horse you used to ride all night hardly ever comes out of the barn now...will you still love him?

My favorite times with my wife are actually on our days off...early in the morning talking over coffee...or grocery shopping and we bump into each other, accidentally at first and then on purpose...

She is chunkier now than then, but I am too... she is semi-retired now and doesn't fix herself up like she did... and we have afarm, so I look like a farmer...half shaven, always sweaty, with worn jeans, boots, and faded shirts... but we are more in love now than ever before.

Long story short... I think love makes people attractive.

I think being attracted to a person is important, but I also think that a person becomes more physically attractive once you get to know them and like their personality.

I'm a guy and like good looking girls, obviously, But every single girl that was ever really important to me, that I cared for deeply wasn't the girl that I saw across the bar or at a party and thought she was really hot, and chased her. The important ones that I will always remember were the girls that I've been around for a little while, never really thought they anything special physically, but after getting to know them and actually really like the person inside, I began getting extremely physically attracted to them.

I think people fail to realize that, while physical attraction is important, physical attraction can grow and increase based upon how much you like the actual person, in my experience at least. I've hooked up with and dated girls that I was instantly attracted to, but like I said the girls that I remember and care about to this day weren't those girls, they were the ones that I grew to like, and then once that happened I started to notice little things about them that I was physically attracted to, and started to be blind to the little imperfections or issues that would cause me to initially regard them as being unattractive, and grew to be very physically attracted to them all together.

Then again, there are some seriously atrocious looking people out there that I couldn't be attracted to regardless of how much I liked who they were. Which means it wouldn't ever work, because physical attraction is important to a relationship, but where that attraction comes from is more complex then simply looking "hot"

reply to post by NoRegretsEver

A very touchy subject NRE, but I think the old adage of opposites attracts holds very little water. Most people in fact something like 95% do date or marry somebody that is like them and in whatever click there in, and really if your out of it. Then you may as well be in another dimension as far as they are concerned, they will not even see you or you wont be on there radar.

And that goes for both men and women, really its quite simple, and the whole love thing got stretched way out of proportions, most people are obvious, and most people are shallow, in fact with humans everything is pretty much shallow waters, and most people both men and women want what they want, even if its not good for them. Most men are purely attracted by looks, and most women are purely attracted by things such as social standing, money, or even the car you drive and looks are somewhere on that list . Nobody wants to admit it, but its true, and its not only true, its pretty dam obvious.

Most women and usually the more good looking the more they will go for the ones with the bank account or that they think are going places in life social standing and all that. And really I can say that its the same for guys, only more about physical looks in that they will go for the good looking ones like a magnet even if there bad news. So ya things are pretty shallow and everybody has there pet peeves it seems.

I ain't going to lie, but I do not think you can really love anybody that does not love you back, be that in any department and category you can bring up. Be it the physical or the mental or another factor. In fact if you have to categorize and put things in departments of this is good, that I do not like. Then chances are that it is not love and your just fooling yourself.

I do not really get the question to tell truthfully, but if somebody is not physically attracted to you. It can grow into something over time as you get to know each other, but its not something that is guaranteed and its something that differs on a person to person basis. So really that question nobody can answer for you. Its something only you can answer for yourself.

But really you should ask yourself why do you want to be with somebody that is not attracted to you?

Anybody that is not attracted to you be it physical or mental or any other way, then that is usually a no go, or you can just be having some sort of crush which will go away in time, or any number of things that you may be going through in your life which have made you become infatuated with a characteristic about the person in question, but not the actual person himself or herself... If you know what I mean.

I agree with the dude that said it's not 50/50, its 100/100. And if they can not love you the way you are, looks and everything else in toll, then that's not love. Its a one way street which eventually leads to a dead end, because love is a street which goes both ways, and any which way is required, and then some.