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Death & Emptiness..

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posted on Aug, 18 2012 @ 10:47 AM
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A very close friend of mine became ill on June 20th. After multiple tests, he was told on July 3rd that he had terminal cancer, with only a few weeks left to live, a month max. He passed away on August 5th.

His family being far away, I decided to be with him, till the dreadful day. I think it was the right thing to do, he would have done the same for me if cases were reversed, I am sure, but this experience has taken a huge toll on me.

It has turned a lot of my beliefs in disillusions. I have seen things from our health care system that sincerely shocks me. I have things from his family members that have come to see him, disturbing, to say the least.

It has left me empty. I have taken a week off work to try and regain a certain energy level, to spend time on a script I have been working on for a very long time and finally ended up doing squat. It`s like I can`t shake off the feeling of being tired, being left with so many questions and no answers. I still feel drained.

I have spent a great deal of time in nature this week. Trying to reconnect. Trying to reground. Trying to recenter.

Usually does the job. But not this time. Don`t know why. I guess time will heal fresh wounds and spiritual breakdown. Surely hope so.

This isn`t a rant as much as a confession. Just needed to vent it out.

I also apologize to anyone I might have insulted and/or offended in posts here and there in the last few weeks - including this week. My patience - as much as I tried to control it - might have been short. No. Was short.

Life, sometimes, just sucks. The last few weeks have been one of those times. Brighter days ahead, I hope. Thanks for listening.

~Son.




posted on Aug, 18 2012 @ 11:09 AM
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Condolences on the passing of your friend ... its never easy outlived everyone Ive known .. but they live on as long as you remember them - always with you and part of you ...



posted on Aug, 18 2012 @ 11:34 AM
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I'm so sorry for the passing of your friend. And I kinda know the feeling your talking about,I still feel like I don't know what's going on-my mom passed last yr. I've never had a friend pass away,well my mom was my friend but you know it's not the same. That was extremely kind of you to go and stay with him til the end. And I'm sure hard to watch. Watching someone die in front of you is harder than people think.watching my mom hooked up to ventilators and ivs for exactly 40 days was super hard to watch. I know that time does heal your wounds but it's been a year and 3 months for me- and my wounds still feel fresh.
, I hope in time you will reconnect and everything will move forward. My condolences to you and his family.



posted on Aug, 18 2012 @ 11:38 AM
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reply to post by SonoftheSun
 


First, I want to say that I love you and I'm so sorry for the trauma you experienced and will experience for the rest of time.

Your heart is broken, faith is shattered and you are left here to pick up the pieces.

My heart aches for you!

I know what you are going through... I too experienced this heart ache and continue to experience although my heart is at peace now. It's taken me fifteen years!! I lost my son to cancer.

I can walk you through it, I can hold your hand and know that you are not alone in your despair.

The light still shines in the darkness, it does not overcome the light so know this!

Xoxox

Jenn



posted on Aug, 18 2012 @ 12:41 PM
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Wishing you the strength and courage you need to carry on. I have lost many loved ones and it is never easy. They leave a hole in your heart that no one else could ever fill. HUGS!!!!



posted on Aug, 18 2012 @ 01:47 PM
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reply to post by SonoftheSun
 


my condolences,

having been my grandmothers primary caregiver
for her last 5 years i can assure you that it takes a lot out of you

it's just going to take a bit longer than usual to recover

be well.
edit on 18-8-2012 by DerepentLEstranger because: tssk!



posted on Aug, 18 2012 @ 05:31 PM
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reply to post by Expat888
 


Thank you for your kind words. No, it hasn' t been easy. Working then being with him the rest of the time, even at night during his last week, barely sleeping. I don' t regret a thing but it has drained me more than I could say.

My consolation is that he no longer suffers and rests in peace.

Thank you Expat.



posted on Aug, 18 2012 @ 05:37 PM
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reply to post by natalia
 


Sorry for your mom, Natalia. I can understand, having lost my father. The wounds took forever to heal, we never forget but we do heal, in good time. You are right in saying that being there when someone dies is hard. Extremely hard. Thank goodness, the good memories remain.

Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate.



posted on Aug, 18 2012 @ 05:40 PM
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reply to post by MamaJ
 


OMG Jenn, I cannot even imagine what it would be like to lose a son. I am sure that the emptiness that I feel is nowhere close to what you went through. Thank you for the support and the kind words.

And I love you too !


Marc. xx



posted on Aug, 18 2012 @ 05:41 PM
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reply to post by Night Star
 


Thank you for the HUGS. Needed them badly when I wrote this.

Thank you !



posted on Aug, 18 2012 @ 05:42 PM
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reply to post by DerepentLEstranger
 




it's just going to take a bit longer than usual to recover


I wish I knew why though. Thank you for your kind words.

Highly appreciated !



posted on Aug, 18 2012 @ 06:05 PM
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reply to post by SonoftheSun
 


If you want to talk about what happened I'm always an email away. Watching someone go through so much pain is a nightmare!!

My experience was very traumatic, the suffering lasted a long five years. I've come along way though and I wish healing upon your spirit. Your friend is definitely at peace now.



posted on Aug, 19 2012 @ 04:19 AM
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SonoftheSun
The death of a loved one is one of life’s most difficult experiences Ive lost a few friends through the years..
I struggled with many intense and frightening emotions, including depression, anger, and guilt..

What your feeling is normal..You will always have their memory. You'll always be sorry that you were unable to share life with your friend for many more years. However, in time, you will remember the happy memories more often than the painful ones which fill your mind now...

Condolences on the passing of your friend ;SonoftheSun anytime you would like to chat just MSG me I'm a great listener..hugs,sugarcookie1



posted on Aug, 19 2012 @ 04:28 AM
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I am sorry for your loss. I hope and pray you can find some peace soon. It is difficult to deal with the emotions that these losses bring up within us. What you are feeling is normal and I can not tell you when it will get better. I can tell you that one day you will be feeling as you are now and the next you will be smiling at the memories you had with this friend instead of trying to swallow that all too familiar lump in your throat.

I know that right now it feels like that is impossible, disloyal, unbelievable, etc.... but I promise that it is not.

You are in my thoughts and prayers and hopefully you will find solace soon.



posted on Aug, 19 2012 @ 12:21 PM
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reply to post by SonoftheSun
 



I'm sorry for your loss. Death is hard. When you lose someone you love, your whole world stops. Everyone and everything is moving on but you. You're just there, frozen in grief. I know. I know that empty feeling. It's good that you're taking time off. The pain will lessen. You will miss them. Their absence leaves its mark. But it does get better with time.



posted on Aug, 19 2012 @ 01:00 PM
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I want to say that I am sorry for your losses. I to am going through exactly what you are going through. My father died of brain cancer in November, and I stayed with him every second of the 2 month ordeal. I got there around Oct. 7 and he went on vacation for a few weeks in TN. I lived in Indiana and just dropped college as well as everything else I was doing to go to Alabama to be with him in his remaining days. I sort of felt bad, because I was hesitant on going. Now I knew why I was. I get there and me and my father got to spend a bit of time together, which was great. Then my freeloading sister gets there, and oh boy. She buddies up with him, and might I add that he isn't all there due to the brain tumor. She steals a bunch of the pills he has and keeps him up by giving out his phone number to the most disrespectful people I have ever met. They called at all hours of the morning and hung up when my dad answered. Sadly my sister spent more time taking pills and talking on the phone than anything else. Even more sad is the fact that she ended up ruining the whole experience due to her personal motives, which led my dad to take to her more than me. I was traumatized to say the least. She talked him into giving her a 2 thousand dollar ring, which she left at my grandmothers when she went back home. What is messed up is the fact that she called and cussed out my grandmother, demanding her to send the ring to her house in Indiana. What followed with this ring being sent is truly stupid. Once my sister received the ring, she pawned it to pay for fast food and a few dime sacks. The hauspice team was amazing though and they did everything to make him comfortable, without being too invasive. It was even crazier than you can imagine, involving such things as my brothers trying to jump me on the cemetary grounds 20 minutes after everyone left. It was truly insane! With that all said, I am terrified of death now, which I never used to be. I just cannot shake the fear now. I am becoming more and more bitter toward people, because I knew that if my father really knew what was going on, he would literally turn in his grave. I actually cussed out my mother inlaw and now she's never coming back over again unfortunately. TRUST ME FRIEND I HAVE SEEN WHAT YOU'VE SEEN AND I MAY NEVER RECOVER. I am just fed up with everything and everybody, even my wife, who wouldn't even watch the kids so I could spend a bit more time with my father. She doesn't even care, and is just acting like a drone. Sorry for the rant, but it is just flat out crazy the things that people do.



posted on Aug, 19 2012 @ 01:43 PM
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Originally posted by SonoftheSun
A very close friend of mine became ill on June 20th. After multiple tests, he was told on July 3rd that he had terminal cancer, with only a few weeks left to live, a month max. He passed away on August 5th.

His family being far away, I decided to be with him, till the dreadful day. I think it was the right thing to do, he would have done the same for me if cases were reversed, I am sure, but this experience has taken a huge toll on me.

It has turned a lot of my beliefs in disillusions. I have seen things from our health care system that sincerely shocks me. I have things from his family members that have come to see him, disturbing, to say the least.

It has left me empty. I have taken a week off work to try and regain a certain energy level, to spend time on a script I have been working on for a very long time and finally ended up doing squat. It`s like I can`t shake off the feeling of being tired, being left with so many questions and no answers. I still feel drained.

I have spent a great deal of time in nature this week. Trying to reconnect. Trying to reground. Trying to recenter.

Usually does the job. But not this time. Don`t know why. I guess time will heal fresh wounds and spiritual breakdown. Surely hope so.

This isn`t a rant as much as a confession. Just needed to vent it out.

I also apologize to anyone I might have insulted and/or offended in posts here and there in the last few weeks - including this week. My patience - as much as I tried to control it - might have been short. No. Was short.

Life, sometimes, just sucks. The last few weeks have been one of those times. Brighter days ahead, I hope. Thanks for listening.

~Son.


You have done what so many have refused to do. Be and or stay with someone who is dying until they pass. I commend you for your compassion and your spirit to do the right thing so that they did not have to die alone.
Very hard thing to do. If it changes anything about your life, know that the experience has enriched your own life.
God Bless You !



posted on Aug, 19 2012 @ 02:08 PM
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Some times the hardest thing is when we understand we are just on loan to this world, its hard to watch a friend die and hard to keep living after. Small steps is all we can take and put a greater value on life.
Small steps.



posted on Aug, 20 2012 @ 10:13 AM
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reply to post by SonoftheSun
 


My condolences.

I know it gets easier over time, but that doesn't help right now. I just lost my best friend to cancer yesterday at 2:10 p.m. I was there with him while he took his last breath, and it still doesn't seem real. I keep having this urge to call him, because he is my go-to guy, and all this pain I'm feeling, I need to talk to someone, but he is that someone, and now he's gone.

It's funny that it struck you down and made you tired, I am feeling exactly the opposite. I can't sit still. It almost feels like elation, but I know its not. I'm giddy, but there isn't anything that feels important enough to do at the moment, so instead I just have this nervous energy with no direction to apply it. I can't concentrate. I cried several times yesterday, and it is the first time I can ever remember crying in my life. I know I cried as a child, but I can't remember it, and I've never cried as an adult. I've had a lump in my throat, welled up with tears a couple of times, but never let a drop fall until yesterday. Yesterday I boo-hooed a few times, and I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to.

You're not alone. We all lose our friends, and we have to go on with life. It feels so odd. After he died yesterday, one guy had to visit another friend that just had a baby girl in the same moments our friend passed away. Another guy had to go to a birthday party for a family friend. I went home and painted a room in our house. It's so surreal, my best friend of my life laid there and died in front of all our eyes, and an hour or two later we are all out doing our regularly scheduled activities, because we have other commitments, other loved ones, other facets of our life. It's a hell of a thing to watch a loved one die, and its a hell of a thing to try and paint a room while you are sobbing away.

I know your friend appreciated your efforts, and I know you're a stronger and more complete person from having benefitted from the friendship and endured the last days. That is what we do. We do everything in our power to supportive, and then we do everything in our power to endure and persevere. That's life I suppose.



posted on Aug, 20 2012 @ 06:46 PM
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I read all you wrote and all the answers…

Some moments with tears…and some moments with hope because we don’t understand ?

Originally posted by getreadyalready
reply to post by SonoftheSun
 


I know your friend appreciated your efforts, and I know you're a stronger and more complete person from having benefitted from the friendship and endured the last days. That is what we do. We do everything in our power to supportive, and then we do everything in our power to endure and persevere. That's life I suppose.

In fact, that’s the life… and I’am still havig hope over our pain…

Surya ☼



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