posted on Aug, 8 2012 @ 09:58 PM
I was diagnosed with schizoeffective bipolar disorder back in 2007, so I can relate. I still suffer from delusions and play around with them, but in
a cautious sort of mannerism. Of course, if they prove to be real, then I am not deluded, but that is probably unlikely. One reason I am so cautious
of my delusions is the fact they began with visions telling me of a possibly divine origin. If you want to know who, just look at my alias, and it
tells all. Really, tho I know little of the story behind the figure, and the more I look into her, the more it seems to confirm things, not deny
them. Plus there really isn't much mythology behind the character, but the mythology my mind has invented around her makes sense in how women are
generally treated or were treated in Judeo-Christian, Islamic inspired faiths, but I digress from the topic.
My mind has tried to assign the Jesus persona to me too, but I denied it because I absolutely knew it was a lie. The things surrounding those
implications had a "presence" I felt was co-ordinating them, not feeling natural like the visions and supposed memories of Asherah I have had since
then, and nothing in my life adds up to being Jesus, like it does with her, IMO. Even were it true and I were this woman, I would not demand love and
worship from anyone, as Lucifer and I both prescribe to the notion that nothing is sacred and yet everything is at the same time. That nothing is
truly divine and yet everything is at the same time. And that respect and friendship is more worthy than worship, and simply chatting things out and
smoothing out our problems with each other is better than prayer or begging or groveling to someone you see of a higher divinity than you. Everyone
is loved by me, and there is a story as to why things are the way the are in my mind, but many would not like it.
Now, I admit that the lot behind EVERYTHING religious in me, may just be a delusion. I do not have an ego, regardless as to how I behave. Who can
say that they were so egoless that they thought that the very manifestation of a personality itself might in fact be an illusion caused by the
workings of the brain, and none of what I consider myself at all, is even real? I wonder whether any of us even have souls, wonder if the afterlife
is a lie altogether, and things like that. I in no way embrace the ideals and myths told to me by my brain are in fact totally and undeniably real.
I use them as a means to further define my personality, in all reality, while accepting that the scenarios behind them may in fact be just a delusion.
It's mainly my intentions and the like that come out of them, that define who I am, not what was implied by them at all.
Anyhow, I know what it is like to have no perception of time. In one of my breaks, I lost about 3 days. In my first one, I have no memory of day,
and only remember what I did those nights. I actually thought the sun had gone down forever and we were all doomed, because there was about a week I
remember of nothing but nights in a row. I have been found wandering screaming completely naked twice, once on a stranger's doorstep. But I have
not had a break since 2009 and am really quite stable, despite the things I talk about. I like engaging possibilities. Yes, doubt can be unnerving,
but I find I often try to take shelter in it. Right now, it would be a little disappointing to know for a fact that my delusions were beyond doubt
false, and a little frightening to know whether they were beyond doubt true. It's not about power that would make it disappointing, mind you.
According to the visions my inheritance has been stripped and I hold no real power. God wants to wipe the very memory of my existence from the very
fabric of space and time and has tried to do this to me. There's a story behind it of course, but I wont indulge. Anyone really wants to know, they
are free to PM me, but it is not my intent to start cults or the like, in all reality. And that's one reason, I have not attached my real name to my
profile or anything, and even on my facebook I have not told anyone what my alias on abovetopsecret is, because I just want to be myself here and just
discuss some of the strange matters my mind has put me through and the like. It's hard, because so many people attest they are divine beings these
days, and I acknowledge that we all might just be deluded. I don't intend to spout prophecies, because for one, it is not my intention to destroy
the world or anything, like many profess they are here to do. I would rather like to preserve it, in all actuality, and improve it, and make it more
like what I wanted it to be in the first place. For another, I hate prophecies because they undermine free-will. Lucifer agrees on that matter.
Yes, I have another personality in my mind I call Lucifer. He does not take over, or anything. We just chit chat from time to time. Sorry ran out