posted on Aug, 11 2012 @ 11:08 PM
I had to wait until today to post in this thread because if my wife was to read what I'm going to write I think I'd be locked away in the loony bin
for a long time.
After I first read your thread I found several similarities in what you describe as I often feel exactly the same way. I am unsure if I am bi polar or
not but I have been diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome, major depression, anxiety disorder and social phobia.
The similarities I have with what you did are:
I always feel as if no one understands me and that I have to run away from everyone because I am different and everyone else is out to get me. The
more I read up on conspiracy theories the more I feel I am getting to the truth and others are falling further away, making it even harder for me to
communicate with them in a logical way.
I once or twice left my first wife and drove off to the country without telling anyone, even my own family, I was feeling trapped and suicidal, but
for some reason I did not want to take my life at that stage. I would probably have just disappeared from society instead and I had and have illusions
of being able to survive in the bush by myself. I have had several vivid dreams where I would be living out in the bush by myself when the shtf and
when I am awake I cannot shake those visions.
Anyway 2 Years ago I left my second wife in the same manner. We had a small argument and then I did not talk to her for 3 hours and my mind was
overwhelmed with thoughts of escaping her evil clutches. So when she had ran a bath and gotten in to it. It was about 3am, I grabbed the car keys,
raced out the door, got in the car and drove to the nearest open gas station 20kms away.
I then put $40 worth of gas in the car and withdrew $1000 from the ATM there. I had deliberately hidden the $1000 for this purpose. I was well aware
of the security cameras in the gas station and I knew that my wife would call the cops and report me as missing with intent to self harm.
So I filled up with fuel made my cash withdrawal and purchased a ham and cheese roll to eat on the road. Then with the stereo blasting out my favorite
metal music, I was totally able to block out any thought of being loved by anyone and my focus was shifted to my dreams of bush survival and the
destination I had in mind, which was in the mountains of the Flinders Ranges, outback South Australia.
I drove through blinding rain that pummeled onto the road and the windshield as it was beginning to flood the road I was on. I knew I had to keep on
driving and heading north and I finally made it through the heaviest rain when the sun was just beginning to rise. I was almost at Burra and the CD I
was listening to finished and my best of REM CD started. I started singing to "The one I love" when the lyrics say "This one goes out to the one I
love", "This one goes out to the one I've left behind". Something in my head suddenly snapped me back to reality at that point and I started to
feel guilty at leaving my family and my wife who was at that time just a girl friend.
I had driven over 200km from Loxton to Burra and my plan was to wait in Burra until businesses opened up for the morning trade. I was going to have a
short nap in the car and then go to the pub to either get totally trashed or buy take away's and keep driving along the back roads to Hawker.
However when I got to Burra and after feeling the guilt I saw a phone booth and decided to call my wife. I thought that if she was angry I would hang
up and then continue on my journey but if she was glad to hear from me then I'd turn back. As it turned out she was glad to hear from me. All the
police force from Berri was out looking for me and they had been to the gas station I was at and seen the security video of me. They knew I had put
$40 of fuel in the car and bought a ham and cheese roll, but they didn't know about the $1000 withdrawal.
When I got back to Loxton my wife convinced me to see the doctor and he put me in hospital for 4 days on a double dose of anti depressants.
The trouble is that I still to this day cannot shake the desire to escape society and try to survive in the bush by myself. Its been nearly two years
since that episode and I have fought like crazy to stop myself from doing something similar again.
I nearly did it two weeks ago, I was feeling majorly depressed because of really high power bills and other financial problems and also because I
still don't think I am understood by most people, I just don't fit in. I waited until y wife took the car to bingo and then started packing things
for me to hike to Moorook 35kms away. I got my hiking boots out, ruck sack, two man tent etc. I was going to walk into town first to use the ATM, then
I would hike to Moorook and then walk on toward Waikerie. I then planned to catch a bus to Adelaide and then another bus from Adelaide to Moonta where
I have a friend there who would not tell anyone.
Continued net page.