Manic/Psycotic episode on ATS

Last year I was unlucky enough to suffer a manic episode with a psycosis that lasted for 6 weeks, and ended up hospitalising me for 7 days in maximum security at Hobart Royal Hospital.

At the time I was jobless, and it was a long dark depressive winter in Tasmania, and my partner went on a holiday with her family for 2 months around Europe. Around 2 weeks in I became completely fixated on ATS and global new's events to such a degree that I didn't sleep for 5 or so days. I [SNIP] and ate next to nothing other than macdonalds and junk food.

www.abovetopsecret.com...
I created this thread while I was fairly manic and dillusional. It's actually very easy to tell I wasn't well. As the thead goes on I get worse and worse.

The day the cracks began to appear I arrived at the airport to greet my partners family, and realised that I had odd shoes on. The decent from there was very slow and very steady.

I began waking at 3:33 everymorning in cold sweats, I became irratable and very short tempered with my friends and my partner. At this point I began listening to binaural beats in my sleep and was staring at a candle for 30 mins every day (to crack the pineal).

One day I stood up from the computer, I got dressed into my old work clothes from my previous Insurance job and began doorknocking all local business' with an amount of confidence and fearlessness that is just not me or my normal personality.

This is where things get a bit weird.

My perception of time had slowed right down. Time felt slower. I could have a discussion with 3 different people at once, and remember where I was in each conversation. I could focus on individual rain drops while driving 120k'sph while it felt like I was driving 60. Music and colour became amazingly vivid. I felt invincible. I was fast, organised, confident and on top of the world. But the body can only handle this state for so long...

I began believing almost anything that was presented to me. Suffering from delusions of granduer, might have had a short period of believing I was Jesus. Would not shower or drink water under the belief that fluoride was killing me slowly, so I was looking dirty and skinny and very wired.

I would see syncronicity in almost everything I did, song track time lengths & lyrics, 11:11, 2:22 and so on and so on.

My partner left for work one morning and I packed my bags and left. I drove my car to the airport and flew to Townsville where I stayed at the Jupiter hotel. I told noone where I had gone. I spent and gave away my entire life savings. I gave $500 to an aboriginal lady down the main street. I gave my raybans to a kid. I donated to every single charity I could find.

I somehow latched onto the new age theory about the electro magnetic grid framwork of earth that is to be completed this year to ascend to the next dimension. (lol)

I spotted a black hawk helicopter flying up home hill in townsville. I dressed in all red, and ran to the top of the mountain to do battle with the evil elites trying to complete the final piece of this grid that would have the entire human race enslaved. Red so that the martians would think I was one of them... hmm.

I climbed to the top of the mountain, and then jumped the barbedwire fence, and then climbed up the radio tower, so damn high I wasn't even scared of heights like usual. I took a large metal support bar from the dish on top and began carrying it down the mountain. Before long I am walking down the side of a tropical mountain in the pitch black dark in shorts and t shirt. Enormous Spider webs shining in the moonlight in front of me at every turn (normally very fearful of spiders) not a problem in this state. I managed to safely find my way down the wrong side of the mountain, that had many cliff's and shear drops. I took the peice of antenna back to jupiters hotel and was detained by hotel staff trying to sneek the 10ft support bar into the elevator.

Anyway, a week or so later I was found in a strangers back yard in only my undies rolling around in the dirt. I was eating worms and crying quietly to myself. The nice owner told me I would be ok, and called the ambulance. Next thing I know 2 police officers grab me and hold me down. I jumped up and push one officer to the ground and turned to battle the second. I remember clearly at this time looking at the officers gun, and making a move to grab it. I had managed to convince myself that these police were corrupt reptillians coming for me because I was the antichrist.

Anways, being forcfully medicated in a straight jacket and then pissing myself in my sleep was the most sobering experiece in my entire life. I managed to slam dunk a basketball ring outside (im 5ft 10) and climb through the hoop, then along the window frames to the window, jumped out a 2 story window and landed on the footpath amongst people. I just ran. I made it back to my partner, who after an hour or two of dicussion, convinced me to go back to hospital.

Anyways, Today one year on I am no longer depressed, I have an excellent full-time job, I'm healthy and my partner managed to keep loving me through the entire thing. I guess im pretty lucky.

Very interested in hearing some other members stories about mental illness. I figure that the only way to help remove the stigma surrounding mental health is to have healthy discussion about how it can happen and how to react when face to face with someone manic or suffereing from psycosis.

Just because your mentally ill doesn't make you dangerous. Just because your dangerous doesnt make you mentally ill.

Also if anyone is struggeling with depression or anxiety or bi-polar and are needing some advice I am here to answer anything.

Thanks for reading this far.

Samuelis



Mod Edit: Please review this link

reply to post by Samuelis


Definite star for that (y)
Well done for being so open about the whole experience, its surely a sign that your all good and back to normal!
I've had the horrible feeling that I've been slipping into similar episodes at several points in my life and if I'm honest it scares the hell outta me, but I always ask the same question. If you think its happening does that mean its not? That might not make much sense but I mean like did you get the feeling something horrible was happening to you at first? Or was it already too late?

reply to post by Samuelis


I am very glad that you are recovered and things are going good for you.

However I do question the title of this thread. From what you have said; you were on ATS while having a breakdown; ATS did not really cause your breakdown; or am I wrong about this?

reply to post by Wongbeedman


Being my first episode, I wasn't even aware I was classified as bi-polar. So yes, by the time I realised it was too late. It's like a bell curve, once you reach a certain level, somewhere around the vivid colour part, your already too far gone, and need medication and help. I thought I had activated the pineal. lol. So I was loving it. geez thanks for the comment.

reply to post by caladonea


Thank you, yeah it's impossible to tell what the catalyst was. But I think your right so I changed my title.

reply to post by Samuelis


It takes a lot of humility and courage to admit what you just have. Especially in a public forum, and a conspiracy forum no less. Good for you. I am sorry that you went through such a nasty ordeal, but you pulled through. It's good to read that things turned out well for you. S + F.

Glad to hear you made it back in one piece

This is a very good read for the many members of this site who are slightly psychotic & delusional who believe in reptilians, or the new age mumbo-jumbo.

I never went as far as you did, but did have my periods where I was definitely a little psychotic and manic, alternating with a bit of depression.

It's still there, but most of the delusions are gone. Now that I'm approaching 30, it seems I'm burning out a bit...erm, balancing out, yea...

reply to post by Samuelis


I really hate to do this to you, but look at the kudallini. Also take a look at bipolar or waking up.

bipolarorwakingup.com...

Something similar happened to me as well. I wasn't even looking for answers, and I have no history of mental illness. I don't want to induce another episode in you, but I'm curious as to how many people have experienced this, because I have been looking for the answer since 09.

Originally posted by DamTyD
reply to post by Samuelis

 

I really hate to do this to you, but look at the kudallini. Also take a look at bipolar or waking up.

bipolarorwakingup.com...

Something similar happened to me as well. I wasn't even looking for answers, and I have no history of mental illness. I don't want to induce another episode in you, but I'm curious as to how many people have experienced this, because I have been looking for the answer since 09.

I went through a few week's of thinking that I had been poisened, as I was distributing dvd's around my city about fluoride and posting on FB and ATS a fair bit in the weeks before my episode. But I have read all about the kundalini and the apparent effects of unlocking it without experience. How could I ever know tho.. doctors and psyc's seemed to have no idea what had happened. As I have never been depressed before in my life. And no real reason to be depressed - other than no job.

reply to post by Samuelis


Kudos for being so open and honest about such a touchy and personal issue. Very glad you are better now! From a friend that has had some various mental issues, I understand that knowing there is a problem is the best start. You are already there. Past there, it seems. Glad to see you are still with us, too! It's an interesting site, and you don't have to be mentally ill to be interested in various topics.

I thought I had activated the pineal. lol. So I was loving it.

This bipolar, can relate to that thought process and lol with you.
Very nice sharing and humbling to know what you had to go through.

For me, being alone has been a trigger to an episode. That may have played a part in your episode as well.
That brown and green stuff also fueled the fire I suspect.

Likewise, feel free to U2U me if you have anything you want to talk about. I've had Bipolar I since 1978.

reply to post by Samuelis


Same here. I was actually happy, working out, and enjoying my job. Then I couldn't sleep and started thinking someone had programmed my mind. I had vivid dreams and started hearing things. I felt weird sensations in my head and started remembering things that never happened. This was a week or two before the main episode.

It just popped in a moment, and felt like I was on x but without the confusion. I ended up getting hit by a car while walking in the street. I still don't have answers, and that's when I joined ats. I was never into this stuff before, so I wouldn't blame the site. The info on this site probably came out in your episode because that is what your logical mind was connected to. I felt programming, because that's what I do for a living.

It's so interesting to read these comments and relate it to my own experiences.

I had the insomnia bit, and the pressures in the head, and the visual/auditory hallucinations to a weak extent.

Still, I never lost it to the extent that I would be hit by a car or shed my clothes in the neighbors yard.

There was always self-doubt...a little bit of insight, that I was probably going out of my mind, and yet didn't seem to be able to fully control the downward spiral.

I was eating junk food constantly as well. What ended it all for me was taking supplemental vitamins in large doses, and eating healthy foods. I had to bomb my gut with essential oils, and repopulate it with probiotics several times over as well.

I'm curious to know if those who went psychotic also had gastrointestinal issues? Pretty much the more messed up I got, the more I had gas, bloating, and diarrhea. I came to notice that it was a marker for how healthy I was. The less of each, the more healthy I became.

Guess it could have got a lot worse if I didn't start taking an "orthomolecular" protocol. Interesting.

reply to post by Samuelis


Glad your back on your feet, I have read your thread you linked sometime ago, I thought it was just a New age post, and would have never thought you were having such trauma in your life.

In my young adulthood I was constantly reading books on a wide range of subject matter, occult, spiritual, U.F.O.s, the list goes on and on, all this linked with taking mind altering drugs, with all the information I was taking in I thought my head was going to explode, I was doing crazy things, like floating down the river for miles, dressed as if I was having a night on the town, starting at night till sunup. after a few weeks of stunts like the above I put the books on the shelf, pushed the drugs aside and pulled my life together.

What did I learn from all this? Take info in slowly give it time to absorb, and above all else keep your head clear.

Good luck in all your undertakings.

reply to post by unityemissions


I was eating healthy up to my psychosis, or whatever it was. I had, and continue to have insomnia. For a year after my accident, I still couldn't sleep, and I mean at all without medication. I also continued to have weird physical "sizzles" in my head followed by what I can only describe as memories that didn't happen. Now I just feel really confused, not so much "awake" like others I have read about.

reply to post by Samuelis


Did you start having vivid dreams after this? I'm curious what has changed in your life after the fact. I'm sure a great deal has changed in a year, but would like to know more about your mental state, and what you think it was about.

First of all i want to thank you for your brutal honesty. Quite an ordeal im sure, and i wouldnt wish that on anyone. But i must point out you did mention that not all those with mental illness are dangeous, and i agree, but you werent the best example of this. In fact, quite the opposite, you were very dangeous to yourself and others.

Originally posted by Samuelis
I remember clearly at this time looking at the officers gun, and making a move to grab it. I had managed to convince myself that these police were corrupt reptillians coming for me because I was the antichrist.

Hopefully this is in the past and you feel much better now! My hopes are with you and your family.

reply to post by Samuelis


You're not mentally ill. Mentally ill to me is what most people do, which is to delude themselves so far that they are no longer in touch with the reality of what is going on in the world.

On the other hand, you were and are very in touch with what it going on. That counts for something. Sure, you have your delusions in that state, but they were a result of that state. What excuse do most people have for deluding themselves to pretend everything is rosy?

I've been manic too. I became hyperreligious whereas before I wasn't. I was expecting to see rivers of blood if I made it to one (I didn't get there). I gave away money too and spent a lot, but not all of it. I was paranoid and figured the police were out to get me too. They tried everything to trick me like asking me where I live. I might be on a bus to fly out of the country at an airport, but I am not stupid, and I know where I live. Next question?

I've met people who were diagnosed with conditions, and some are very far out and out of touch. So what. Plenty of people are! It's just that if you're out of touch in a way that isn't common, people get afraid.

I call it "bipolar ORDER" because I never felt better and more confidant and sure of my purpose in life than I did then. And besides, I am very much cognizant of what is going on in the world, why, and why I refuse to cooperate with "society" as a result.

Now, if any "normal" person lives in a bubble and denies the state of global affairs, then they are the ones living in a fantasy world, and they are the ones who need help.

Some of the world's finest artists were bipolar. It can mean greater creativity for many people. The day I let anyone "normal" in society tell me I have a problem and I take that personally...will never come.

If one person has a delusion...it's called a delusion.

If millions or billions have a delusion...it's called "life" or religion or a belief.

reply to post by unityemissions


I was barely sleeping too and was waking up very early in the morning.

This was about the time a TV series was airing "Revelation" or something. That probably prompted my religious fanaticism. I was agnostic before that. So strange.

I became super confidant and even convinced a salesman that I was expected a large sum of money soon. He let me test drive a new Delani without insurance!! Then because I had no car, he offered me a ride to a restaurant where I ate.

I was also "doing the green" like you...and...I was taking huge amounts of vitamins which actually made me sick. I told myself all I needed to survive was bread water and vitamins. Funny...

I wrote post it notes galore as ideas came to me. I have a picture of this actually.



It was an amazing experience...but yea, not at all practical.

Thank you for sharing your story.

I want to share my whole story too sometime (I will have to do so later though-work). I'm bipolar so I've had manic episodes. I wrote down one of my experiences on paper so I will probably just copy that down to make it easier if I do share it. I've only ever let one person read it.

The short story of the worst one is that I lost two very close family members in 6 months as a teen. I was put on medication for depression which caused my manic episodes to become worse (a ton of meds were tried and the worst were effexor and celexa). I went from pure joy to anger to being suicidal. I left home and tried to commit suicide and ended up in the hospital.

I can relate to some of the things you felt but not everything but it is always nice to know that we aren't as alone in the world as we think we are.

Edit: oh and the thing that I related to the most (that actually had me say, "yea I remember that") was the vivid colors (and other sensations I guess). I just remember everything seemed extra colorful and clear.