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In an unprecedented response to gay rights advocates, Chick-fil-A is refusing to serve gay chickens to its largely heterosexual Christian clientele. When asked why they were refusing to debeak and massacre countless little baby chicks, who happen to share an attraction for one another, a Chick-fil-A representative claimed that it is “not in God’s plan for humans to have to digest gay chickens.
When local Bowling Green resident Ernest B. Tass was asked for his thoughts on not being able to partake of a juicy plump gay chicken breast, Ernest said, “Hell naw, I ain’t eaten’ no queer chicken! They need to just keep that to themselves. What with all them diseases they got.” Defending his position he continued, “I mean, look ya’ll, it ain’t that I’m homo-uh-uh-mobic, or whatever. I just don’t want to eat no chicken that likes guy on guy action. That just ain’t right.”
When informed that a male chicken is a rooster, and that the chickens one eats at Chick-fil-A are, by definition, female, Ernest began to equivocate. “Well, now, you didn’t say nothing ’bout no lady chickens. I mean, I ain’t really got no problem with that.” Getting rather excited he exclaimed, “Hell, I say you gotta video that action then deep fry them sons-of-bitches!! Woo-woo!”
“At first,” claimed one unnamed pioneer for gay chicken rights, “we were all a bit shocked by the news, but now we are relieved. Who would have imagined that their homophobia would turn out to be such a blessing? We are now in the planning stages of trying to convince Burger King and McDonald’s to cease the slaughter of gay and lesbian cows and pigs.”