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Decision (Fiction/Horror)

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posted on Jul, 28 2012 @ 06:53 PM
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Thomas Swift sat with his wife Elizabeth at their dinner table. Since their only child had left for college a year ago their conversation usually consisted of what to do with his room, and how he was possibly going to make a living with a degree in Mythological History.

"Dear I'm telling you, with the way his generation is headed he will have no problem finding either teaching position at a community college or as a research assistant. You know youngsters now days cant keep focused on the real world." Commented Elizabeth.

"I know hon. He will find work, I just wish he would realize that believing in fairy tales is not going to help him change the world." Replied Thomas as he got up to place the dirty plate in the sink. Looking out the window he frowned.

"Well in all honesty Tom it was your dream for him to change the world, not his." said Elizabeth. "I will just be happy if he dosent have to move back in here, but no matter he is not getting my spinning room." she add slyly.

"You mean my media room I think" Tom chuckled. "We were not supposed to get rain tonight were we hon?" asked Tom

"No supposed to be clear all night, as far as I know. Why clouds rolling in?" she asked as she got up to join him at the kitchen window.

"Rolling in no, its already here. But it was just crystal clear not ten minutes ago." replied Tom

"Hmm, well you know how often meteorologists are right. Only when mother nature says so."

----

As the girl, no more than fifteen, ran she tried to figure out where she was. Looking over her shoulder and seeing only shadow. She increased her pace. She couldn't remember how she got in this forest, or even who she was. She just knew it was back there and she had to run.

----

Thomas and Elizabeth moved into their foyer. Elizabeth with her copy of people magazine and a glass of wine. Thomas with his Dickens novel and glass of Bourbon.

"Now if more of the young generation would open their mind to the knowledge of Dickens then I think our country would not be headed down this hill we seem to be on." Commented Tom

"I swear hon I think you are Dickens reincarnate...except for the hairline of course" Elizabeth laughed.

----

The girl cried out as she tripped over an exposed root she hadn't seen. Scrambling to regain her footing she noticed a light through the trees. A house. She began to weep.

----

Just as Thomas gets up to refill his and his wife's glass the power goes out.

"Storm bust have knocked out the line farther down the valley" Elizabeth said.

"Must have because I don't even hear a breeze out there." "Let me go start up the generator, if it still works."

As Thomas set the glasses on the counter there came a banging on their door. 'Boom-Boom-Boom-Boom'
"Please let me in..please" came a sobbing plea from the other side of the door. "Please...its still coming...please help."

Thomas exchanged a startled look with his wife, then without another moment of hesitation bolted for the door.
"Wait Tom" pleaded Elizabeth. But he did not appear to hear her.

As soon as he twisted the knob the girl rushed in, striking Tom in the face with door. Sending him unceremoniously to the ground. The girl who appeared to have come from the woods ran strait for Elizabeth, hugging her waist. She looked to her husband for reassurance but he was still getting up wiping the blood from his nearly broken nose. He closed the door locking the deadbolt. Elizabeth looked down at the girl. She was shaking and was badly cut up.

"Its OK honey, your OK now, did you get caught in the storm." Elizabeth asked

The girl just whimpered and shook her head.

"Where is your family dear? Your mother and father? You are not out alone this time of night are you?" pressed Elizabeth.

"Its still coming" said the girl.

Thomas came forward holding his nose. "She is probably out in the woods doing drugs with her friends, now she is having a bad trip and comes and damn near breaks my nose. I'm calling the police, they can sort it out." He said as he pulled out his phone from his pocket. The phones battery was dead. "What the hell, I had this thing charging all day." muttered Thomas

Then came another knock. This one felt as if a thunder clap had gone off in the house. The entire house shook.

"Sounded like a god damn explosion" yelled Tom, now visibly agitated.

At that moment a voice rose, as if from the earth and heavens them selves. It reverberated with such force the windows cracked.

"THE GIRLS FATE IS SEALED......SHE BELONGS TO ME......SEND HER OUT OR JOIN HER"
edit on 28-7-2012 by coven83 because: (no reason given)




posted on Jul, 28 2012 @ 07:34 PM
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reply to post by coven83
 


I'm guessing this is the works you were talking about in your other thread?

I like the premise so far, although it does need some editing and some expansion if you are considering it for a major works project. I can offer some honest critique if you would like. Given you an S&F for getting it out there though.



posted on Jul, 28 2012 @ 07:46 PM
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Originally posted by 74Templar
reply to post by coven83
 


I'm guessing this is the works you were talking about in your other thread?

I like the premise so far, although it does need some editing and some expansion if you are considering it for a major works project. I can offer some honest critique if you would like. Given you an S&F for getting it out there though.


Actually no, this is an idea that came to me yesterday, I jotted it down today and did some basic editing. This story is probably not going to be expanded.

Can you give me a link to the other "works" I mentioned to you earlier, I usually have a better memory but have many short story projects/ideas in the works.

But i openly accept and request feedback, so what did you not like about this story, and please be specific



posted on Jul, 28 2012 @ 08:25 PM
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reply to post by coven83
 


It was this one here.


And my love for writing will never fade, I am currently working on my first novel and was considering putting up an excerpt.


First off I'd go with a bit more detail in the opener. You want to establish mood, especially considering it's a horror style. Is it raining outside? Thundery? Or just dark and eerie? The inside of the manison, is it opulent, or also a bit gothic? You can immerse the reader with a few extra details in the opening paragraph. I notice you added the cloudiness further down, I would suggest moving it up to the beginning.


As the girl, no more than fifteen, ran she tried to figure out where she was. Looking over her shoulder and seeing only shadow. She increased her pace. She couldn't remember how she got in this forest, or even who she was. She just knew it was back there and she had to run.

I would change the sentence structure here, it is a little confusing to read worded like this. Remember this is an introduction also, and the main hook of your story so far.


The young girl, perhaps no more than fifteen, fled in terror, desperately trying to get her bearings. Behind her, shadows loomed, the forest racing by as she ran. She had no clue as to how she came to be here, only her survival depended upon her escape.


The way it jumps back and forth is good, again add a few more details and it'd be spot on here.


Just as Thomas gets up to refill his and his wife's glass the power goes out.

Be very careful of going from present tense here. The story has been told in past tense (ie; it has already been told), to present (you are telling it as it happens). It interrupts the flow. If you wanted to go from one to the other, change the scenes around and stay with it, then as the two lines converge, go to past and stick with it from there.

As soon as he twisted the knob the girl rushed in, striking Tom in the face with door. Sending him unceremoniously to the ground.

Good sentence, but it needs to be altogether, such as this.

As soon as he twisted the knob the girl rushed in, striking Tom in the face with the door, sending him sprawling unceremoniously to the floor.

Just changing a few things there keeps the flow of the sentence and story going.


"Its OK honey, your OK now, did you get caught in the storm." Elizabeth asked



"It's Ok honey," Elizabeth soothed, trying to calm the girl, "You're Ok now. Did you get caught in the storm?"

Always be mindful of your punctuation. I usually at least go over my works in Word or Notepad first, spellcheck, and read it at least three times before posting. Grammar mistakes are an inevitability, but with careful re-reading you can pick up little errors such as this. It sounds silly but when I include dialogue, I say the sentences out loud, and try to write them as people would say them in actual speech.


Then came another knock. This one felt as if a thunder clap had gone off in the house. The entire house shook.

"Sounded like a god damn explosion" yelled Tom, now visibly agitated.

I would probably leave the dialogue out here, think in the same position would people talk being scared out of their wits.

Another knock, this one shook the whole house like a clap of thunder directly overhead. Tom turned in sudden terror. It sounded to him like an explosion just outside the door.



The rest flows pretty well into the remainder of the introduction. It's just the little details and the flow of the story. Always remember you are trying to gauge an emotional reaction from your reader, as well as immerse them in the world you have created. I hope this helps, if you would like any help with editing, feel free to u2u me.



posted on Jul, 28 2012 @ 08:36 PM
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reply to post by 74Templar
 


Thank you for the tips. I often feel that my story is good but my presentation of the idea in my head is lacking. I should have spent more time on this story but I kinda just wanted to get it down and out of my head.

I have yet to transfer any of the writing for my novel over to the computer, but rest assured that I have spent much more time reviewing the prose and grammar of that work. I am still considering posting the opening chapter, perhaps I will type it up and send it to you to review before I post it. I have one other person to review my writing but another brain and set of eyes could only be beneficial.



posted on Jul, 28 2012 @ 08:50 PM
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reply to post by coven83
 


Any help you need is fine. There are also others here in the SS forum that have great editing skills, just ask.
The premise and idea is good, and writing like anything is a learning curve that just needs practice.

My editor would make Ghengis Khan pale and quake by comparison.



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