Relationships and Pornography

1st: in my experience, the woman who get upset at porn is the one who was refused in the bedroom, but then discovers the man is "spending himself" on porn instead of ...saving all his love for her. It makes the woman feel ugly and unnacceptable. When a person feels that way, they can respond with all kinds of violent emotion.

2nd.
Never get between a couple about the how and why of sex in their relationship. You have no way of knowing what porn represents to each of them. Judging someone else's attitude, when you haven't experienced evrything in the relationship, is the ultimate in being judgmental.

If you don't know ALL their secrets, you cannot really judge the results.

reply to post by WiindWalker

Hear Hear! Truth spoken well there, friend.
I surf for porn sometimes when board, of when the wife isn't into it that day. She knows, and is fine with it. She surfs for porn too, looking for role play games, which it is hard to find new ones, it seems. Nothing wrong with porn, as long as it, like everything else, is taken in moderation.

Two choices here.

"Let" your man watch porn. Or give him sex whenever, where ever, and in whatever way he wants it.

To do otherwise is completely unfair and nothing but a power-grab in the relationship by an unstable woman with low self esteem.

If I want sexual gratification that's my right, I'll get it one way or another. Nobody has any say in me doing so. Obviously I won't force myself on a woman, but if my girlfriend (never had a wife.. yet) doesn't want to have sex at a given time, and I do, I'll watch porn and take care of it myself.

The idea of "No, I won't have sex with you right now, AND I forbid you to watch porn to take care of your needs" is selfish and quite frankly disturbing. The woman wants to control when the man is sexually gratified, she doesn't want him doing it by himself. I know of some stories where women won't "let" their men masturbate at all, regardless of whether or not porn is being viewed.

So like I said, she should either give him sex whenever he wants, or not make a fuss about him watching porn. I can't imagine any logical argument against this simple idea.

Originally posted by James1982
Two choices here.

"Let" your man watch porn. Or give him sex whenever, where ever, and in whatever way he wants it.

To do otherwise is completely unfair and nothing but a power-grab in the relationship by an unstable woman with low self esteem.

If I want sexual gratification that's my right, I'll get it one way or another. Nobody has any say in me doing so. Obviously I won't force myself on a woman, but if my girlfriend (never had a wife.. yet) doesn't want to have sex at a given time, and I do, I'll watch porn and take care of it myself.

The idea of "No, I won't have sex with you right now, AND I forbid you to watch porn to take care of your needs" is selfish and quite frankly disturbing. The woman wants to control when the man is sexually gratified, she doesn't want him doing it by himself. I know of some stories where women won't "let" their men masturbate at all, regardless of whether or not porn is being viewed.

So like I said, she should either give him sex whenever he wants, or not make a fuss about him watching porn. I can't imagine any logical argument against this simple idea.

edit on 25-7-2012 by James1982 because: (no reason given)

a logical argument might just be to practice a little more self control.

What do you when you get the "urge" away from home?

Is it ok for the wives who don't "get satisfied" when they feel the need, to watch porn and masturbate till they are exhausted, because their man just doesn't do it for them?

I'm sure it is ok for some, and to those that feel porn enhances their sexual experience, that's fine for them.

Not everyone is the same, and sexuality and how you express it is a very personal issue between the partners participating. No one should expect everyone to view these issues in the same way, but they should do their best to find a partner on the same wavelength as them.

I love all the judgements about people who don't like porn - as if they are all that is wrong in relationships today, subordinating the sexually free!

I've been with my husband for 13 years this year (almost 1/2 of our lives!) - We had periods in our life where porn was utilized and *for us* those happened to be times when we were unhappy with ourselves and each other and needed a way to escape from the unity that sex brings.

Now that we have taken care of those issues we enjoy sex solely with each other, based in love alone - not simple physiological satisfaction When we get "the urge" we look forward to the time we will enjoy it together. Instead of wasting it satisfying a short term desire, we use it to build up our relationship in the long term.

If you can accomplish this with porn in your life...then so be it. I personally just can't see how it could be possible when you are giving a portion of your desire to some fleeting scenario/woman/man.

That said we have no issue with masturbation when one partner is away for awhile. I think masturbation can be beneficial to increasing desire for your partner and gives a person the opportunity to play out scenarios that may not be possible, or desireable to your partner - while still "engaging" in that situation with your partner.


And not denying that men are visual people. I just dont' understand why someone would date/marry someone who doesn't satisfy them visually 100%. Why do they need *more*? Looking is fine, but I just feel uncomfortable with the idea of my husband, who claims I fulfil him 100%, would need to be visually stimulated by other women. Perhaps somebody can clarify this for me.....? (legitimately...not being snotty or anything lol)

reply to post by natters

And not denying that men are visual people. I just dont' understand why someone would date/marry someone who doesn't satisfy them visually 100%. Why do they need *more*? Looking is fine, but I just feel uncomfortable with the idea of my husband, who claims I fulfil him 100%, would need to be visually stimulated by other women. Perhaps somebody can clarify this for me.....? (legitimately...not being snotty or anything lol)

This is easy...

Men are pigs. We really are. We can't help it. Where you may not even think about sex for weeks.

Men do not have that luxury. We are bombarded with visual stimulation. As I got older it fades some.

I love my wife and never once cheated in 25 years. It's really has nothing to do with the woman in the image.

It's kind of like relieving yourself. Because after being married this long. It's once a month If I'm lucky.

I am just unable to go a month. Nothing against the wife. She's just not that way after giving birth.

It's kind of a cruel trick of nature. Hope that helped...

I think personally, that it wouldn't be unreasonable to say to my partner, "I don't want to have sex tonight, but take care of your own needs, BUT please don't use porn to do it."
Its the request of not watching it, and ignoring that request when it becomes disrespectful to the requesting party.

Though I don't know the total facts, I think she might have made some kind of request before. She says she went through his internet history on his phone to times when she was away and he had looked at it.
Personally, I am also against going through phones. My OH doesn't go through mine, and I don't go through his. I ask his permission if I need to access his email for anything (IE: a contact, or he's signed up for something for us in his name and I want to check details)

I haven't spoken to her today, so I don't know whats going on

reply to post by Lulzaroonie


I really hope they can talk this out, and come to a place of mutual understanding and respect.

I'm with you on hoping and wishing that they can iron things out, and get a fresh perspective on their relationship.

I'm keeping them in my thoughts and prayers, as well as the whole family, because these decisions do effect everyone in the long haul.

reply to post by WhisperingWinds


Yeah, self control is good. Masturbating in your car or while at work might be a sign of self control issues.

But when you are at home, and want to be sexually satisfied, there is ZERO reason to NOT satisfy that urge. If your wife or husband wont satisfy it for you, you have every right to do it yourself.

It's akin to dictating when, what, and where your partner eats. If someone's wife said "No honey, I'm not hungry right now" but then says "NO, you most definitely can NOT eat a sandwich!" that's some messed up stuff right there.

Nobody has any right to dictate what I do sexually, unless I'm forcing it on other people, or breaking the law, period.

If both the man and the woman are OK with it, then it's OK. If not, then it's not. Obviously.

If I'm with a woman and I ever feel the need for porn on the side, sorry, but instead of that I'll find another woman who's up to task instead. I'll take the real thing over an image any day. And all you guys who say it's the unrealistic part of porn that's the turn-on.........I'm sorry If you can't "do it" like a porn star you're not putting any thought into it. It's sex. It's not rocket science.

But seriously OP, if that's what the marriage came down to, there are more issues that you're not telling us. You say you're 26, so you're parents are going to be fairly mature age wise. That being the case, if sex is the issue that they say broke them up, they have more underlying issues that REALLY broke them up. They're just not dealing with them and using sex as an excuse so they don't have to face whatever the real issues are. There comes a time in peoples' lives where sex isn't the deal-breaker in a relationship anymore. It's still important, but it shouldn't be the top priority after a certain point in time.

People need to grow up with it.

youtu.be...

Well things aren't good. He hasn't been to work for 3 days, no-one can contact him, his phone is always off and no-one knows where he is. I'm beginning to worry for him, but I know my mum would be annoyed if I try to find him.

This guy was going to be my dad. He is the only man who has ever treated me like he felt I was his daughter, I'm worried that things are really screwed up.

Pornography is just fantasy in pictures.. Some like me get to experience it but that is only because the person I am with is receptive.. if the other person is not, and you know this.. Then expect repercussions.. You bring it on yourself..

In this case I suspect there is much more than looking at some porn and maybe the straw that broke the camels back on an number of issues..... From my own experiences with the elder family memebers it is clear that sexual receptiveness decreases with age which can create a disparity if one partner is more aroused than the other..

My father has not had sex for the last twenty years.. This is because my mom got religion, has had bad sexual experiences including traumatic child birth which has put her off and consigned my dad to sheer frustration and a sexless life..... I would have divorced her by now... That would be a deal breaker for me.. However my dad has been caught out many times with porn and chatting to other receptive women..

I think this is a case of disparity... With one being more sexually receptive than the other... They need Councilling ..

The woman is just over-reacting because she has realised she needs to work on her own sexual issues..

reply to post by James1982

So like I said, she should either give him sex whenever he wants, or not make a fuss about him watching porn. I can't imagine any logical argument against this simple idea.

No, I would not ascribe to that philosophy at all. The relationship between my wife and I is not based on control, of any kind whatsoever. We make mutual decisions in all things.

reply to post by whyamIhere


Lol. I'm married, too....and the only time we go less than once a month is when I'm pregnant or just had a baby lol. And for the record there are plenty of women with extremely high sex drives. Myself being one of them. Maybe if during the "dry times" a man overlooked his own needs and focused on his wife with loving attention, she would be more receptive to his sexual advances

I just feel like this is a cop out for most guys (and some girls). "My wife isn't DOINGGGG enough, we don't have sex enough, my needs are higher!!!" but your wife has needs too, just a different type. Most wives are more than willing to respond to your needs, if hers are met.....the tricky part is finding out what her needs are. Because rarely are they sexual.


And yes of course there are some women who will never be satisfied.

Since your all talking about husbands and wife's watching Porn, I have a question that I could use some advice on.

I'm Married, and my husband and I don't watch porn, but lately I seem to have this desire to want to watch it some sometimes.
My husband doesn't know, and I feel like I should tell him, or maybe ask him if it's ok.
So my question is, what would you say if your wife asked you that?
Should I ask him, or should I just tell him I'm going too?
I'm really worried what his response might be.
I could really use some advice from some men here.

Lot of emotional reaction to porn. The fact is, it can be helpful. First, it teaches you anatomy. If you've looked at a little porn, there is really no excuse for not knowing where anything is. Second, as you get older, you may find you need a little "help" now and again. Oh, I know all you young studs are, well, studly, but you know that train's a'comin', and when it does, you'll want to maintain control as long as possible before embarrassing yourself with leetle pills. Women, just relax. Nobody is trying to "demean" you. They may just be trying to help.

Originally posted by yourmaker
I wonder if she was almost offended that he would seek sexual stimulation from anyone or anything but her?
or maybe she found it extremely degrading?

Yes I look porn, but because I don't have a girlfriend, if I did I probably wouldn't be that interested.
And not all the time, here and there.
but I think porn can be healthy in some ways, you don't want to be screwing your girlfriend everytime you "get the urge", she would think that's all your interested in.. unless she's hypersexual as well, then yipee.

Yipee indeed!

I've been married 3 or 4 times - depends on what you count as a "marriage", I reckon. The first wife was one of those "yippee!" types. Porn was never an issue because 1) she never left me with enough free time on my hands to consider it, and 2) there was no porn in existence that could beat her, any how. I'd probably still be with her if she could have figured out just who was the pilot and who was the navigator.

The second and third talked a good game, until they thought they had me pinned down, and then it all came to a grinding, screaming, screeching halt. Did a lot of bar hopping during the first of those, and porn surfing during the second, just to remind myself that sort of thing still happened, somewhere. She got pretty bent out of shape about it, but hell, "degrading" was in the eye of the beholder. I thought it pretty damned degrading to be relegated to the couch, myself, for no discernible reason... and, well, the internet was right THERE. As far as I was concerned, she had no business bitching about whatever I did, if she wasn't willing to provide a viable alternative.

I never saw porn as a substitute - face it, pictures are a pretty pale imitation - and however she saw it was her own damned problem. I'm glad she never hit me with the old "am I not enough?" or "what have they got that I don't?", because I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have liked the answers to those questions!

Nowadays, I'm back to the old standby of "what's the point again?" concerning porn. Can't figure out a good use for it any more.