Relationships and Pornography

reply to post by tothetenthpower

I understand what you are saying Tenth, but my point is, if a guy goes into a relationship knowing his significant other isn't going to back off on this issue, he's better off not to get into that relationship at all.

On the other hand, if he is already in the relationship, and it becomes a point of contention, that's a different story. And I agree that his wishes deserve just as much consideration as hers do.

reply to post by whyamIhere


I think it's kind of silly that men should even ahve to hide such things.

Then again as far as sex and that sort of thing is concerned I'm pretty liberal. I don't believe in shaming people for wanting to have sex or wanting to be sexual in any fashion.

Well in public is one thing, I don't wanna see two people doing it on main street as much as the next person does, but in the privacy of your own home? When nobody is being effected but yourself? Do as you please.

If others are offended by that behavior that isn't your problem, it's their problem, they need to evaluate why they feel the way they do about that subject and come to terms with it. Not take out on the innocent 2nd party.

~Tenth

Would a women or girlfriend would be okay if a man tell her "she can't watch other men when we go shopping" "just watch me, you don;'t need to look at other men" this is a bit extreme but same case. as long as there is no physical involvement or someone else is really hurt (not ego), its all good. if i do get married, i'm telling my wife im will watch porn!

Ask any men, how many of the women from random porn vid they still remember. Case closed.

Porn is temporary. It has no effect other than instant satisfaction.

Originally posted by Klassified
reply to post by tothetenthpower

 

I understand what you are saying Tenth, but my point is, if a guy goes into a relationship knowing his significant other isn't going to back off on this issue, he's better off not to get into that relationship at all.

On the other hand, if he is already in the relationship, and it becomes a point of contention, that's a different story. And I agree that his wishes deserve just as much consideration as hers do.

If you go into a relationship knowing your spouse is totally against it.

That is a different story. Do not think you can change them.

But really, to allow a picture on a telephone to end a marriage?

Sounds like it was not too strong to start with. Or there is a lot more to the story.

Personally, and probably rightly so, I don't know their sexual habits haha. I get the feeling things are not good between them in the bedroom. My mum has anger issues and mental health problems, and takes medication, which I know decreases libido.
I just feel like I'm put in this horrible situation. She thinks she's accessed his search history through his email which I'm pretty sure you can't actually do, and that he's been searching the internet for some woman he works with at work, a woman she has a bee in her bonnet about, because she thinks he fancies her.
I'm not being funny, but through everything they've been through together, he loves her despite both of their flaws.
I don't want to pick sides, but I don't know how to broach the subject with her of not getting me involved without sounding like I'm being callous and uncaring, I don't want to know because I care about them both and I don't want to feel like I have to choose between two people I love.

Originally posted by Lulzaroonie
Personally, and probably rightly so, I don't know their sexual habits haha. I get the feeling things are not good between them in the bedroom. My mum has anger issues and mental health problems, and takes medication, which I know decreases libido.
I just feel like I'm put in this horrible situation. She thinks she's accessed his search history through his email which I'm pretty sure you can't actually do, and that he's been searching the internet for some woman he works with at work, a woman she has a bee in her bonnet about, because she thinks he fancies her.
I'm not being funny, but through everything they've been through together, he loves her despite both of their flaws.
I don't want to pick sides, but I don't know how to broach the subject with her of not getting me involved without sounding like I'm being callous and uncaring, I don't want to know because I care about them both and I don't want to feel like I have to choose between two people I love.

I think someones personal sexual life, such as your mothers is private, and I'm surprised you've betrayed her trust to an extent, and splashed her personal private relationship issues here, for the world to pick apart.

Sex is a personal private issue in a relationship, and everyone is different, so its best to lay the ground rules on what you find acceptable early on in the relationship.

To expect others to be totally fine with it because you are is ludicrous , and many have different viewpoints on sexual freedoms and sexuality.

This is their issue, with the two of them having the sexual relationship , and if it was my daughter who invited an ex to live with her, I'd be hurt beyond belief, and very suspect of the relationship .

I say its best to stay out of it, and let them work it out. If you want to put an incredible strain on your relationship with your mother, invite the ex to live with you, and continue trash talking her online, while airing her very private personal matters.

Originally posted by WhisperingWinds

Originally posted by Lulzaroonie
Personally, and probably rightly so, I don't know their sexual habits haha. I get the feeling things are not good between them in the bedroom. My mum has anger issues and mental health problems, and takes medication, which I know decreases libido.
I just feel like I'm put in this horrible situation. She thinks she's accessed his search history through his email which I'm pretty sure you can't actually do, and that he's been searching the internet for some woman he works with at work, a woman she has a bee in her bonnet about, because she thinks he fancies her.
I'm not being funny, but through everything they've been through together, he loves her despite both of their flaws.
I don't want to pick sides, but I don't know how to broach the subject with her of not getting me involved without sounding like I'm being callous and uncaring, I don't want to know because I care about them both and I don't want to feel like I have to choose between two people I love.

I think someones personal sexual life, such as your mothers is private, and I'm surprised you've betrayed her trust to an extent, and splashed her personal private relationship issues for the world to pick apart.

Sex is a personal private issue in a relationship, and everyone is different, so its best to lay the ground rules on what you find acceptable early on in the relationship.

To expect others to be totally fine with it because you are is ludicrous , and many have different viewpoints on sexual freedoms and sexuality.

This is their issue, with the two of them having the sexual relationship , and if it was my daughter who invited an ex to live with her, I'd be hurt beyond belief, and very suspect of the relationship .

I say its best to stay out of it, and let them work it out. If you want to put an incredible strain on your relationship with your mother, invite the ex to live with you, and continue trash talking her online, while airing her very private personal matters.

edit on 24-7-2012 by WhisperingWinds because: (no reason given)

How am I 'talking trash' about my mum? I'm not calling her names, I'm certainly not naming and shaming her, or giving away any personal information which could identify her or me...

I didn't say I was OK with porn, I even said I don't like it, and wouldn't be happy with it, but as many have said, it is something you just have to accept that men do.

Also, I'm not inviting him to live with me, I'm inviting him to stay the night so he's not walking about the streets on his own, so I know he's safe, in case they end up getting back together and working things out. Plus I live with my own family, my son and fiancé, so it wouldn't be a suspicious invite in the slightest...

Got off your high horse yet?

reply to post by Klassified
I think many of us discover a great deal after getting involved in a relationship. Unless until if there is a checklist out there for all the high schoolers to go through before they get into a relationship which might blossom into a marriage after 10 years or so. Not all the aspects of life can be pre-determined or documented otherwise there wouldn't be any spontaneity in life. Learning about the partner and accepting and adjusting as we move along after a certain point in life and committment is part of the fun too.

reply to post by Lulzaroonie
You can be respectfully direct or point them to a church or counselling to help them resolve their issue (if its still an issue and if its affecting more than 2 lives).

reply to post by Lulzaroonie

How am I 'talking trash' about my mum? I'm not calling her names, I'm certainly not naming and shaming her, or giving away any personal information which could identify her or me... I didn't say I was OK with porn, I even said I don't like it, and wouldn't be happy with it, but as many have said, it is something you just have to accept that men do. Also, I'm not inviting him to live with me, I'm inviting him to stay the night so he's not walking about the streets on his own, so I know he's safe, in case they end up getting back together and working things out. Plus I live with my own family, my son and fiancé, so it wouldn't be a suspicious invite in the slightest...

Got off your high horse yet?

If you want to help out your stepfather for a bit, I can understand, but as far as getting involved by asking if it is ok or not , it already seems you're not letting this be "their" issue.

Everyone is going to feel differently about this, and what works for their relarionships, may not be right for your mom.
Your mom is the main priority here, and trying to understand how she may be feeling would be a nice idea. maybe not how she is dealing with it, but at least why she is feeling like she does.

Personally, and probably rightly so, I don't know their sexual habits haha. I get the feeling things are not good between them in the bedroom. My mum has anger issues and mental health problems, and takes medication, which I know decreases libido.

You say you are not revealing anything personal about your mom...^^^ read quote^^^ ...sorry but I beg to differ.
You have discussed her mental state, her medications, her libido, and the intimate problems she is having with your step dad.

I wish them the best in working through this, and hope things work out favorably for everyone.

reply to post by WhisperingWinds


Oh believe me, I understand fully what she's going through. I had an ex who had a big thing for gay porn (male on male) and the relationship I had with him was utterly destroyed by it. Since then (8 years ago) I've moved past it, I was younger than then, and I understand now that men are wholly different to women.

I'm sorry if you think I was giving out too much information, I was just trying to provide some ways in which others might get a clearer insight into what things are like, and how things can be helped.

So far, I haven't done anything, like calling him or texting him. I feel awful for not doing so, I feel like I should, but against my better judgement, I'm not, because I really don't want to upset my mum.

I just feel like I'm put in this horrible situation. She thinks she's accessed his search history through his email which I'm pretty sure you can't actually do, and that he's been searching the internet for some woman he works with at work, a woman she has a bee in her bonnet about, because she thinks he fancies her.

You could start with "Well Mom (Mum) Don't you think by spying on what he is doing is also a breach of trust?"

Is their no way to work this out? None of us are perfect. Mom, you do realize your medication could be effecting your thoughts?

Mom, you know he has nowhere to go. I would never leave you in that spot.

There are a hundred ways to talk about this without the mention of porn.

Also, I am going to assume you live on the other side of the planet.

There is no way to know who you are, let alone your Mum. You have betrayed nobody...

I hope this works out for you.

I wonder if she was almost offended that he would seek sexual stimulation from anyone or anything but her?
or maybe she found it extremely degrading?

Yes I look porn, but because I don't have a girlfriend, if I did I probably wouldn't be that interested.
And not all the time, here and there.
but I think porn can be healthy in some ways, you don't want to be screwing your girlfriend everytime you "get the urge", she would think that's all your interested in.. unless she's hypersexual as well, then yipee.

Originally posted by yourmaker
I wonder if she was almost offended that he would seek sexual stimulation from anyone or anything but her?
or maybe she found it extremely degrading?

Yes I look porn, but because I don't have a girlfriend

But girlfriend is not the same. Porn does not say it is "not interested at the moment", or goes thru phases

its only porn mum

Geez!! Thats terrible she is so insecure. To destroy a relationship like that makes me think she didnt care for him much, has issues with insecurity, or is a puritan.


Men are visual and you cant change that. Its the way they are built and its a natural thing. I watch porn with the husband at times.. at times we both laugh through it .. unfortunately. He watches stuff on the net and sometimes will yell to me to come in and look.. sometimes I wish I hadnt looked. I dont see what the HUGE deal is with letting men be men and being secure in your relationship... whats with the need to control even what they are inside and what they want to do as adults?? You oughtto know this stuff BEFORE you get into a serious relationship.. common sense to find out. Just weird to me I guess. If the guy isnt watching kiddie porn or sheep love.. what the heck is the huge deal that would cause the breakup of a relationship?

Originally posted by Advantage
Geez!! Thats terrible she is so insecure.

To destroy a relationship like that makes me think she didnt care for him much, has issues with insecurity, or is a puritan.

Men are visual and you cant change that. Its the way they are built and its a natural thing. I watch porn with the husband at times.. at times we both laugh through it .. unfortunately.

He watches stuff on the net and sometimes will yell to me to come in and look.. sometimes I wish I hadnt looked.

I dont see what the HUGE deal is with letting men be men and being secure in your relationship... whats with the need to control even what they are inside and what they want to do as adults?? You oughtto know this stuff BEFORE you get into a serious relationship.. common sense to find out. Just weird to me I guess. If the guy isnt watching kiddie porn or sheep love.. what the heck is the huge deal that would cause the breakup of a relationship?

Maybe it was an issue that was discussed, and he broke his end of the deal, hence the disappointment on the moms side.

I think its unfair for those who think there is nothing wrong with it, when you're in a relationship to expect everyone to see it that way.

But if porn is more important to this man then the feelings of the woman he loves, then by all means make porn the priority, but don't expect her to want to make you a priority, and don't be blaming anyone but yourself when the relationship heads south, and she no longer wants you around.

For those who think its fine, then its fine.

For those who have problems with it, it needs to be discussed very early in the relationship, and those feelings need to be respected, or the relationship will flounder and die a slow death. No one should be told how they should feel about this, and its between the two in the relationship.

reply to post by Advantage

Geez!! Thats terrible she is so insecure. To destroy a relationship like that makes me think she didnt care for him much, has issues with insecurity, or is a puritan.

Makes me think he doesn't care all that much about her, if he can't respect her feelings on the issues enough to destroy a relationship over.

You don't need to be a puritan, or insecure to not agree with your mate watching porn. It's about respecting the romanticism of sex, and not just getting off on cheap thrills.

Originally posted by WhisperingWinds
reply to post by Advantage

 

Geez!! Thats terrible she is so insecure. To destroy a relationship like that makes me think she didnt care for him much, has issues with insecurity, or is a puritan.

Makes me think he doesn't care all that much about her, if he can't respect her feelings on the issues enough to destroy a relationship over.

You don't need to be a puritan, or insecure to not agree with your mate watching porn. It's about respecting the romanticism of sex, and not just getting off on cheap thrills.

So you believe that there is no romanticism in sex if there is porn involved? Its just "cheap thrills"?? Gee.. Ill have to tell my husband of 20+ years that we have no romanticism in our sex life and its just cheap thrills.

In any case, fine if thats you. Its not everyone that has some issue with watching something on a screen. Its also definitely not anyone who would knee jerk get rid of a person they have been with for several years for doing something he didnt get permission to do. If she gave a damn she would work it out. I guess if one thinks that sexual committed relationships are disposable it would be fine to chuck the partner out for one transgression. I wish I was that perfect.

We dont even know if she told him previously he would be thrown away if he dared watch some porn. I just gave my opinion from the little the OP shared concerning the circumstances, but it upset you so much you had to reply to it twice??

reply to post by Advantage

In any case, fine if thats you. Its not everyone that has some issue with watching something on a screen. Its also definitely not anyone who would knee jerk get rid of a person they have been with for several years for doing something he didnt get permission to do. If she gave a damn she would work it out. I guess if one thinks that sexual committed relationships are disposable it would be fine to chuck the partner out for one transgression. I wish I was that perfect.

We don't know that she did not just have a moment of anger, and will be ready to discuss it at some point, as well as we don't know what lead up to it prior.

We have no right knowing all the little details , and the best person to help them sort all of this out would be a family therapist, not a bunch of random Ats'ers that are basically negating any validity to the mothers feelings. We only know her first reaction as well.

We dont even know if she told him previously he would be thrown away if he dared watch some porn. I just gave my opinion from the little the OP shared concerning the circumstances, but it upset you so much you had to reply to it twice??

Your opinion on porn doesn't upset me, but your judgement and ridicule of the mother does concern me. More brainwashing type techniques for those who may not see certain issues like you do. The form of "if you don't think like I do, there is something wrong with you" bullying type mentality.

I forgot to directly address something you said so instead of editing , I thought I'd just post again..
wow..talk about taking it to the extreme, and using it to ridicule .

Feel better bout yourself now?

Have fun with that.