Relationships and Pornography

My mum has just thrown her partner of 4/5 years out because she found out he was looking at porn on his phone. This guy is like the only man who has ever been like a real father to me, and he loves my son as if he was his own grandson and has been there from the very start to watch him grow up.

Part of me thinks she is grossly over-reacting, since they're only pictures, and you can't really blame a man for looking. It's just what men do.
However, if I were me, I know I wouldn't like it either. I wouldn't go so far as to chuck my other half out, but I'd be pretty P-O'd.

Is there a place for porn in a relationship? Whether it's actively watching it together, or giving someone a break because porn is becoming commonplace.

I don't really know what to do now. I want to call him or send him a text and ask if he wants to stay in our spare room. On the other hand, I don't want my mum to think I'm picking sides. If she finds out I've contacted him and offered him help, she'll probably think I'm taking sides.
What do you think I should do?

reply to post by Lulzaroonie


Ohhh man don't pick sides...stick with your mom...perhaps, just perhaps their may have been some other smaller issues and this was just the kicker...I see nothing wrong with an adult looking at this stuff...who doesn't...although I'm sure this is a huge loss for you just give this some time..it's difficult for anyone on here to say just forget about the guy as that would be wrong...you can let your mom know in subtle ways how much he's missed but by no means take sides as this will compound the issue...I'm so sorry to hear this..might we ask your age?

Don't let your mom interfere in your personal relationship with the guy; that's an entirely different, unrelated scenario.

Just because she has issues with him doesn't mean she should involve you within said issues. You, as an individual... as a friend, should do what you feel is right for you.

reply to post by chrismarco


I'm 26, my son is 4. I really don't want him to just be wandering around, and decide he wants to hit a pub or something, because that would make his matters worse since she hates him drinking when she's not there to keep an eye on him (because he won't stop until he's almost comatose lol).
I don't want him to think that we've abandoned him, he's got no family, and his actual family abandoned him long ago.

reply to post by Lulzaroonie


Watching porn is just something men do at some point in their life/marriage/etc. I have been with my wife for 10 years and she knows I look at porn every so often, it's not something that affects our relationship. But that has to be said BEFORE actually watching the porn. He should have been honest about it beforehand. Usually men who watch porn are trying to make up for something they aren't getting in their own relationship, whether it be attention, sex or communication.

Take it for me, porn can also be healthy for a relationship if watched together, but both parties actually would have to be into it for that to happen. In my opinion, if I saw my wife watching porn, I'd think it was hot; but again, I am a guy, and our view differ on that aspect. I think it boils down to honesty and above all else, communication. Sex is just sex when it comes to porn, and nothing more. It will never replace what you and your spouse share in the bedroom.

Wow...Sounds like it might not be the first time.

What kind of porn.....Gay Porn?

If every man that looked at porn got kicked out of their home.

There would be lots of us looking for a place to live...

The first thing I have to say is that I personally am 100% against porn and everything it represents.

That being said, there is a place for porn in a relationship as long as BOTH parties agree. If one person is uncomfortable with it I feel it's the other persons responsibility to respect the other enough to abstain from it. It certainly is not a necessity and doing without it wont harm that person as there are other outlets. He or shecould simply masturbate without it - or better yet, do his or her best to enjoy those moments with his or her spouse.

Your mom has the right to be mad as long as she didn't condone it prior to this. I feel for her, and know the damage that porn (condoned or not) can cause in a relationship.

I found this link and I think it may help you understand the situation a little better from both sides. Maybe your mum can read it also?

Unlike most women, guys typically view pornography as innocent and as a remedy for loneliness or the lack of a partner. Men often rationalize and justify their interest in erotica. They view it as normal behavior. Furthermore, pornography's effortless, online availability makes it an easy remedy for boredom and insomnia. Unfortunately, porn viewing may not sit well with a wife or girlfriend. Typically, her reaction will be to change or attempt to stop her partner's viewing habits. Pornography surveillance by the woman often accomplishes little. It feeds resentment, mistrust and is seldom beneficial. Many women discover months or years later that the man never stopped. In fact, sometimes, porn viewing has dramatically increased and has become an even deeper secret in the relationship. Addictive behavior, such as looking at pornography, tends to intensify not diminish over time.

Pornography and Your Relationship

Originally posted by WiindWalker
reply to post by Lulzaroonie

 

Sex is just sex when it comes to porn, and nothing more. It will never replace what you and your spouse share in the bedroom.

This may be true for you, but I will tell you that it is most definitely not the case for everyone, even most people who watch porn. Even if it seems like it's just about the sex there really are expectations being set subconsciously that many women will never be able to attain.

reply to post by Lulzaroonie


Wow.

You have to be really insecure to break a relationship of 5 years because of some naked people on the internet.

I mean honestly, does that mean he suddenly loves her less? Shaming men for wanting to look at pictures of naked women?

That's ludicrous.

~Tenth

I'm not a massive fan of it, generally in no massive rush to watch porn if you catch my drift but it certainly doesn't offend me if that's what someone want's to do occasionally. My fella only wishes to watch stuff with me and that's fair enough. The guy's at his work though go mad for it. I swear it's the only reason all these internet capable phones became popular so they can watch stuff more easily behind the missis back. OH has asked them why they do it if they have a perfectly good lady at home, but most of them are either embarrassed at approaching their wives about it or haven't had a shag in so long they need to remind themselves what it was like. They get all gobsmacked at the fact we can go for a beer at the titty bar, to them it's all seedy, naughty and something to do after a works Christmas party when the wife releases her vice life grip on their poor little gonads for one night a year.

To me your Mum's overreacted, I'd have to sit my mum down and give her a good talking to.

I've known many females who hated porn, as well as several who didn't have a problem with it. Almost without exception, the ones who didn't have a problem with it were well balanced women who were comfortable with themselves, and didn't have self-esteem issues. And I've noticed these very same women tend to have long relationships, and solid marriages usually. That's not to say there aren't exceptions to that, as there are with anything.

Still, if a man enters into a relationship knowing his girlfriend or wife disapproves of it, then he should abide by her wishes, or he shouldn't have gotten into the relationship with her to start with. This is an issue that needs to be dealt with early on if the male wants the freedom to look.

Men have urges to inseminate as many viable female partners as possible, and women have urges to be inseminated by the most viable male partner.

Obviously we are not mere animals, and able to control our behaviors, and a relationship will only work when there is respect between partners.

However......

Should a man be demonized for watching porn if his needs are not being met by his partner?

Originally posted by Klassified
Still, if a man enters into a relationship knowing his girlfriend or wife disapproves of it, then he should abide by her wishes, or he shouldn't have gotten into the relationship with her to start with. This is an issue that needs to be dealt with early on if the male wants the freedom to look.

edit on 7/24/2012 by Klassified because: (no reason given)

Wants the "freedom"? Since when should men beg their significant others for the "freedom" of doing anything?

Perhaps it is the girl's job in this case to get over her insecurities and realize that she isn't in charge of anybody else.

Perhaps she should respect his wishes when he says he wants to look at porn? Why are his wants/needs less valid/important than hers?

~Tenth

How is the physical (sexual) relationship between the parents? Look at it this way that he didn't go out (atleast from what I gathered on this thread) looking for prostitutes or other women for sex. Problem can also be the mother if she isn't good in bed and/or lack of libido in which case medical help might work instead of reacting emotionally.

In my experience, most women don't understand porn or why men would even WANT to look at it. Some women even take it personally as if to say "Am I not sexy enough for you? You need to look at these other women? You should just come to me if you wanted sex!"

The thing women don't understand is that biologically, men and women are completely different. Even the concept of masturbating is bizarre to some women as if "what's the point?" Men are very, very visual creatures and do not connect sex to emotional connection like women do. To most men, sex is sex and furthermore, masturbation isn't really sex. It's more like the guy watches porn, really likes the woman a lot, has an orgasm, then is quickly done with it and that's it. For men, sex and emotions are separate entities or, at least, they easily can be. That doesn't mean a man can't have sex with someone he's in love with and connect the two because it certainly can and does happen, but just because a man watched some porn, all that means is he needed new "visual" material and used it to have an orgasm without cheating or anything of the sort. Any man who says he doesn't look at a beautiful woman he sees in public is lying and most even have some kind of sexual thoughts about them, but that doesn't even mean he wants to have sex with her. It just, biologically, how a man's mind is wired and nothing can be done about it. Some women don't understand this while others like to exploit it by wearing clothes that show off their body so they do get looked at (even very young girls these days which kind of sends a confusing message, but that's a whole other conversation.) A woman's drive centers are emotional, so even if they see an attractive man or woman, they notice and enjoy the sight, but it usually doesn't go any further than that. Completely different biology at work in a female and women just have to learn to understand this.

By the way, this coming from someone who watches porn maybe a few times a month and only the amateur stuff. Porn is mostly a form of entertainment and is not how REAL sex is nor is it how women really act. Porn is a fantasy that some men get into. The only way that it would be a problem is if it was affecting the relationship like for example, the man preferred to masturbate to porn as opposed to making love to his wife. If the guy is suddenly into porn after previously not being into it, I would say he was bored with the sex part of the relationship and was trying to spice it up a little for himself. If he's masturbating to porn and not having sex at all with his wife or even showing her affection, it probably means there are big problems OR he is just bored and done with the relationship.

My god, men look at porn for so many different reasons. I think we may only have part of the story here or your mom is just one of those women who now feels inadequate because of his porn watching, but her reaction seems extreme even in that case. Personally, I think something else is going on that you don't know about OR she believes it is some form of him cheating on her or something like that. Men can easily have sexual feelings about a woman, have sex with her, then be completely done with her. Literally, no strings attached. A man's arousal centers are almost purely visual and a man can have sex with a woman based on nothing more than that and have zero real feelings for the girl, but masturbation isn't sex, it's just a release. Women on the internet are just women on the internet. After the orgasm, they're gone and not thought of afterwards. Porn is only a bad thing if it affects your sex life with your partner.

Again, I don't even really watch the stuff. Most of it doesn't do much for me since I am very picky about it, but I'd almost bet she took it as some kind of personal attack against her like she wasn't enough for him or saw it as some form of cheating. Either that, or something else was going on that you don't know about. Either way, definitely an "ovary-action" (hehe) on her part based on the information you have given us anyway.

A good guy deserves a break with the porn I'd have to back my mum but argue if it was just the porn to not take that in itself very seriously or as a problem

Originally posted by tothetenthpower

Originally posted by Klassified
Still, if a man enters into a relationship knowing his girlfriend or wife disapproves of it, then he should abide by her wishes, or he shouldn't have gotten into the relationship with her to start with. This is an issue that needs to be dealt with early on if the male wants the freedom to look.

edit on 7/24/2012 by Klassified because: (no reason given)

Wants the "freedom"? Since when should men beg their significant others for the "freedom" of doing anything?

Perhaps it is the girl's job in this case to get over her insecurities and realize that she isn't in charge of anybody else.

Perhaps she should respect his wishes when he says he wants to look at porn? Why are his wants/needs less valid/important than hers?

~Tenth

I have to agree with Tenth here.

Although I doubt my wife would.

It's like "Why do you need that, I'm not good enough?"

I think there is some middle ground here.

To Tenth's point...Why should my wishes be less important?

Also, Guys it's pretty easy to delete after viewing.

Don't make it your screen saver...

I think women think that when men watch porn, that we thinking that they are not interesting anymore. Something porn provides a wife/partner can't. Would they rather have the men have an actual affair?