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I Welcome The End

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posted on Jul, 24 2012 @ 07:18 AM
Good Morning to all. I woke up this morning and went for a jog before going to school, and it was during this time I realized something. I know multiple individuals who have been discussing the parameters of the end times with a myriad of scenarios. The LIBOR scandal, 2012 Olympic security threats and assumptions of a massive false flag that I personally believe will not occur, economies all over the world collapsing, Iran and Israel, Syria's battle against the world and so on.

I have been feeling mighty dejected as of late personally, like there is nothing to live for. I am currently attending college, and will be progressing to university for political science soon, but my heart just is not in the game anymore. I am a married man of 24 years of age, and have been with my wife for 5 years and been married for about 4 of those years, and I love her, but I know she would be a lot better off without me and the stresses I bring.

A little background before I go into the main topic. I have a fairly rough past. When I was younger, I did not really have a nice upbringing. Parents chose cigarettes and cola over food in most cases, though there always was food in the house, it just was not enough. As I grew, psychologists appointed by the board of education recognized that I should be placed into a higher level of learning, and my parents completely disagreed, so I was left to flounder in monotony.

At 13, I was placed into a group home because I was destructive, and very problematic to deal with, it was also around this time I was sexually abused by an individual whom I trusted. I developed a sheer hatred for everything and everyone as I grew. I essentially slipped into an almost permanent feeling of rejection as my social skills slowly developed, I found I had absolutely nothing in common with anyone and as such, I was always ostracized.

During these times from 14-19, I spent time working to survive when I should have been in school learning and embracing my destiny. Alas, this was not the case. I was homeless for a little while, got in with the wrong people out of sheer ignorance in the thought that they cared about me, when they did not. At 19, I met my wife to be, and I was very persistent in pursuing her as I knew something was there.

I have always been an individual who thinks outside the box for the most part, and though I have been completely irrational at some points in my life, and on this forum, I believe everyone has at some point in their lives. I am also an observer when I am in public situations as well. I notice people talking about the most irrelevant things such as what Snooki is up to, or what Kim Kardashian has done lately, and I am saddened by the fact that no one seems to be discussing matters of pertinence to our existence.

I currently have few friends, my parents are essentially dead to me, my wife loves me, but I really feel like she should divorce me because I am and always have been worthless to everyone I have met. I always have thoughts of just disappearing and becoming a hermit and living my life in isolation from everyone and everything. I despise myself so much even though my wife tells me I am talented and skilled in many areas.

I am known as an individual who is "high strung", intense, and someone no one wants to associate with because of my personality, though I mask my hate and sadness very well as I can get a long in most social circles and business meetings if I absolutely have to. I currently volunteer with my college in multiple capacities, but I am also finding that I just don't care anymore. Honestly, sometimes I cry and weep like a baby and feel the need to just end my life.

The primary point of this post is to speak to a wide range of people so I can get all of this off of my chest. I welcome the end of existence because I see no point to someone like myself existing. I am fully aware as well that there are MANY people who have it a lot worse than I do, and that people would give anything to go to school and do the things I do, but I have basically given up on life, and am coasting on proverbial fumes.

The truth is, I have never ever felt like I add any value to anyone's lives, which is probably true, seeing as most people cannot tolerate me, and speak detrimentally when I am not in their presence though they keep up appearances and are pleasant when they see me which agitates me to no end because if I do not like someone I do not talk to them or bother them at all.

In conclusion, I just want to apologize to anyone on this website I have offended with my idiotic, irrational statements and posts, as I really enjoy this site, and the posters on it, my favorite so far is SLAYER69. But in the end, I am more than likely not going to be alive at the end of 2012 as life has become too much for me to bear, and I just have no desire to continue living.

To all on ATS, who have informed me, and provided me with ample amounts of knowledge about topics I otherwise would have no clue about, I tip my hat to you.

"Some may say this might be your last farewell ride" Beck

posted on Jul, 24 2012 @ 08:10 AM
I don't know you at all but I thought that I needed to say something to you. I also had an awful upbringing that still haunts me. I have had many many days of feeling that life is not worth living and that I would be better off gone. but believe me life gets better. I know how it feels to be in that place. I have had days when I would just sit and dream about the ways I would make the pain of life be over. I just want to tell you that your not alone. I'm sure your wife loves you very much and if you talked to her about your feelings maybe she could help you. Sometimes we need to not look at all the pain and start looking at the things in life that bring you joy. Maybe start a hobby. I started to feed birds and squirrels. I also started doing photography. Even small things like that give life a little more meaning. Be gentle with yourself and please get some help. Talk to someone you trust. But PLEASE don't give up. I know you don't know me at all but I just saw myself in this post. -Melissa

posted on Jul, 24 2012 @ 08:21 AM
hell dude your only 24 you sound like an old man on his deathbed .i have had a similar life was working 50 hours plus at 12 years of age brought up with grandparents do not talk to parents .buy your wife a bunch of flowers & take her out for a meal tell her sorry .your lucky to have her & lighten the fxxx up have happy thoughts .it could have been a lot worse you were not born disabled you know love in your life . happy thoughts bud happy thoughts .as the song goes always look on the bright side of life

posted on Jul, 24 2012 @ 08:21 AM
Despite our different paths I must say I agree with alot of what you said. I too under much different circumstances ended up being alienated. I find most people who felt that way when they were younger, progress to outside thinking when your older as your not influenced by other opinions as often. Try refocusing your energy. I too see the most mundane and irrelevant conversations if I could I'd wipe away all reality TV. As its not reality to begin with.

We have all lost our way. Our technology is destructive and we do consume and accumulate trash. So reverse the trend. I've found getting back to the old ways works wonders, and you can still incorporate technology. Growing your own food for one. Recycling the earth I have several projects going on.

I use aquaponics to grow my herbs and vegetables. I use Red Wigglers to dispose of much of my food waste and get a very healthy fertilizer in the process. I find that I am no longer thinking of the outside world or whats on TV. I think more along the lines of how can I feed and protect my family.

If you can try to make a business out of it, self reliance is key and save the doom and gloom for when its time. It will come soon enough on its own no need to run to meet it.

posted on Jul, 24 2012 @ 08:26 AM
I get slightly depressed when I read these types of threads. I think sometimes you need to know what it might be like to lose your life before you can really appreciate it.

Imagine yourself drowning just about to die. Gasping for your last breath, seeing your life flash before your eyes, thinking about what you have yet to do or the people you will never see again or the ones you never had chance to tell them you loved them. All that is about to go unless you fight back for air.

Believe me you would fight for your very life to escape that situation. The question would be why?

It's easy to take life for granted, but you will want to fight for your last breath when the time comes. The reason is because life is the most precious thing

posted on Jul, 24 2012 @ 08:35 AM
I currently seek therapy, but I find the answers my therapist provides are common knowledge. Honestly, I respect those who believe I have nothing to complain about, but we all grow and live in very different and unique circumstances. None of you know me, and I thank you for taking the time to respond to my OP. It is noteworthy to mention, that I do not own a television and have not for quite some time.

I go for walks with my dog Greg and my wife, and I have discussed these problems with her, and she loves me tremendously, but I feel as if I am wasting her time. For some life is precious, for others it is hell regardless of the circumstances to which one is raised. I have taken up various hobbies (jogging, walking, weight lifting, photography, poetry, stand up comedy, theater, politics) and none seem to fulfill my desires. I also have reduced my consumption of food drastically as I really don't feel hungry as much as I did before.

If I were dying, of course the instinct is to fight for your last breath to not be your last, but I desire the freedom from my physical body, I feel numb most of the time, and no I do not do drugs or any other substances. It is a choice to feel this way I know, but I just don't care anymore.

posted on Jul, 24 2012 @ 08:35 AM
Well I have to say don't do anything irrational, you have people here to vent to with similar feelings. Don't give up you are in a great position to make change, it starts with one person and a vision. Use your feelings to make a difference friend! I am 36, a stay at home dad, and my wife is a school therapist, you wanna talk about feeling useless. I wake up everyday wishing I could protest in the streets, then the baby needs a diaper change, and the boy a ride to school and reality sets in. This world sucks, so grab the reigns and make a difference.... I'm asking you to, for all of us.

posted on Jul, 24 2012 @ 10:19 AM
reply to post by DragonRain311

laughter is the best therapy go to a joke website every day .stop feeling sorry for yourself & do something

posted on Jul, 24 2012 @ 10:22 AM
reply to post by geobro

This is not a matter of feeling sorry for one's self. I do not pity my feelings, I accept and embrace them.

posted on Jul, 24 2012 @ 10:30 AM
reply to post by DragonRain311

but you desire freedom from your body life goes by quicker than you think my friend just ask any wrinklie old codger how old they feel .read up on some remote viewing or astral projection if thats your thing

posted on Jul, 24 2012 @ 10:32 AM
are you sure your a stand up comedian or are you just jocking

posted on Jul, 24 2012 @ 11:25 AM
reply to post by geobro

I am not a professional by any means, but I do amateur open mic nights as a means of expression. There are ample amounts of stand up comedians who, despite the fact they are hilarious, lead sad and depressed lives. Louis CK for example. But in all seriousness, I do these things to try and feel better, to try and be happy, but nothing works. I have almost become comfortable with the fact that I cannot find solace in the things I used to, but such is life.

Also, thank you for responding in a constructive manner instead of blindly bashing the post.

posted on Jul, 24 2012 @ 11:47 AM
You haven't given up on life - you've given up on yourself. What a shame that is when out of the billions and billions of people on the planet there is only 1 exactly like you. You were created special and for a special purpose that you just haven't found yet.
Your wife knows what a treasure you are. You should be ashamed for talking as you do and letting her down by giving up on yourself. That's the person she loves and cares for!
It's alright to be weak, it's normal to have doubts about ourselves but don't ever, ever give up.
We only get one chance at this life so don't muck it up by quitting.

I suspect your biggest problem is that you've built a wall around yourself for protection. That same wall is crushing you and you need to get out and open up again to other's feelings and the possible hurts you can receive as well.
You will be hurt again, you will be lied to by others but if you don't open up you will never feel connected to those around you.
You're obviously intelligent and no doubt everything your wife believes about you is true. All that potential is going to waste because you're too worried about yourself. Your beautiful bride should be the one you give your heart, soul and time for. Make her first in all things and you will be fine. She sees the potential in you that only you have the power to realize. To do anything else is to let her down. Don't think for a minute she'd be better off without you. She MARRIED YOU, she's trusting you with her entire future. Stand up tall and be the man she knows you can be.

Best of luck to you,

posted on Jul, 24 2012 @ 12:20 PM
Thank you for your post. You drew a picture of yourself that reminds me of the importance of loving yourself. When you feel valueless, you are not. If you have a loving spouse you are blessed. Thinking she might be better off without you is probably the total opposite of how she feels. Losing someone you love is devastating.

Sometimes I too feel of little value, then I look at the two sons who love me and know that I do have value because I am loved deeply by them.

Life is rough. Sounds like the hand you been dealt wouldn't be anyone's choice, but life is about doing the best with what you have.

Hope you can someday soon, maybe today, look in the mirror and see a good friend.

posted on Jul, 24 2012 @ 08:03 PM
You need to find your own self worth, to appreciate that you are young, intelligent, healthy and have the potential to find purpose and even a semblance of happiness in your life. Your wife would be devestated if you were to end your life. She would spend the rest of her life wondering what she could have said or done to help you. You will leave a hole that could never be filled. For all you know she might decide to end her own life because you chose to end yours.

Having lost all interest in things sounds like depression. There are medicines that could help you. I just hope that you find your way. Keep communicating with your ATS family here, hold your wife close and take a deep breath. HUGS!!

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