posted on Jul, 23 2012 @ 03:26 PM
Let me start off by saying first and foremost I would like this thread to remain sophisticated and helpful. This is one of those "If you don't have
something nice to say don't say anything at all" types of threads.
I will provide a little background here on me, this is not the point of this post, do not attack me for it. This is simply important to the story
below. Commenting tactfully on the following is fine, just know that trolling will not be tolerated.
I was raised in the deep very racist South with an incredibly racist family. Worst of the worst. I am too ashamed to say how bad. I attended a
"Private School" but here "Private" means "White". I didn't hang out with any people of other ethnicity's until I was 22 years old and moved
out of my home town. This was all family induced, I never held any racism in my heart, I swore I never would.
So for some reason, I still avoid socializing with people not of my own race. I can only assume it's leftover conditioning by my family as I was
raised to fear the other races, that they were dangerous and taboo. I absolutely loathe this. I try to socialize like others but I end up anxiety
ridden, and I think it's out of shame. I held a job in another state where I only worked with black men in the kitchen of a respectable restaurant as
a chef. I was the first female hire in this kitchen in history of the restaurant. Imagine my fear as a 100 lb white girl raised in this manner going
in to this.
I suffered the usual hazing of any new kitchen employee. I was assigned the worst tasks, and held to the highest expectations due to my gender. I
worked harder than I ever had in my life and was eventually accepted and voted the chef of the month by the other kitchen staff for four months in a
row. This was my very first experience with another race, and they ended up being like brothers. They always had my back, I always had theirs. I grew
a bit more comfortable but my family eventually badgered me so hard for "the company" I was keeping at my job that I eventually turned in my two
Fast forwarding to now, I have not been "out" to clubs in about a year. My best friend talked me into going. I live back in my hometown now. I am
notorious for not speaking to or offending any guy who approaches me because I don't want to meet a man in a bar. My friend's boyfriend
automatically took it upon himself to be my wingman and sent a plethora of horrible guys my way. It was getting towards daylight and I was so sick of
the scene I was about to leave. I turn and notice a handsome black man standing next to me and immidiately I think out of conditioning "My family
would kill me, I can't talk to him". Well, I talked to him.
Within minutes we found so much in common with each other it was absolutely ridiculous. The chemistry was obvious. This might sound bad but it's
true, I did not see his skin tone anymore. I was wrapped up in his personality so much that I forgot all of my anxiety and ended up having an
incredible time with an awesome guy. We hung out for a couple of days with my best friend and her boyfriend and have been talking since, and he wants
to take me on a date.
So this is not serious at all yet. I am posting here in relationships because I can see it going somewhere. My friends who are some of the hardest
friends to win over if you are trying to date me (they have hated all of my partners thus far) basically had a two hour intervention with me making me
promise to give this guy a chance because they have never seen me so happy as I was talking to him that night. I usually hang tight to my girlfriend
and never stray from her, and the fact I left her side to talk to a man for this long is huge regardless of race. This conversation did not consist
of anything concerning his race at all, it never crossed our minds after that initial meeting.
Then the other shoe dropped. My mother, long departed from my father and his family who were the epicenter of racism in this town for more years than
I care to count, seemed to have evolved into a normal person who tolerates all religions/sexes/sexuality/races/etc. When I came out to my mother as
being bisexual her reaction turned quickly into acceptence, and the battle I fought to allowing myself to feel that way is very similar to this issue
I'm a woman who has not been involved sexually or emotionally in a very long time. Of course I rang her up to gush about this man who would be
taking me on a date that was absolutely fantastic. I start describing him to her, she's excited, then I say "He's beautiful, very well built, nice,
tall, dark, sma..." and she cuts me off. "Dark?" she chirped. "Yeah Mom he's black, anywa.." nope. I didn't get any further than that. I
suffered the screaming lecture of a lifetime as an almost 27 year old woman from her own mother. I won't transcribe the things she said, but the use
of the "n word" was more than I care to count.
After this, I ask her to run this by my Step-Father. My Step-Father was not raised marinated in this Southern cult, I know he has dated black women
before and he is very open-minded. She refused to even repeat what I had said and just shoved the phone at him. "What?" he said. He and I have a
great relationship and he has become my only father figure as my own father is no longer with us. I got the same disapproving lecture with the phone
being tossed back to my mother. "If you want to stay in THIS family, you will stay away from 'his type' (for lack of being able to even think of
saying what she actually said)". She threatened to pull my name off the will, disown me, and not speak to me again. I managed to mutter the words
"ok mom I wont" and we hung up.
I called her today because I hate ending conversations with her on bad notes. "Mom are you mad at me?" "Not yet. That's up to you". Click.
Despite the promise I made her that I wont... I want to start seeing him. We try to plan dates but I feel so torn. I was raised to respect my mother,
she is my best friend, I tell her everything. None of my best friends would EVER THINK of doing this to me. It's like I don't even know her anymore.
Yet, I still talk to him because I am drawn to discovering who he is which I havn't felt that in a very long time.
My friends say "Tell her to go stick it up her ..." but that's easier said than done. I don't know how to handle this. I especially don't know
how to handle it in the part of the Country I live in. I don't know anything about interracial dating or interracial relationships other than it is
frowned upon here worse than gay marriage which is pretty bad. My father literally threatened to CUT MY HEAD OFF in fourth grade if I ever went on a
date with a black man. So here I am, planning a date with a black man...after a promise to my mother not to...and no idea how to handle it.
I ask sincerely for help, be it advice on overcoming the conditioning or just on handling interracial romance. Advice about controlling
mothers...anything. I'm sure all of this might sound ridiculous to some of you, or make some of you angry, but this thread is not to be inflammatory
at all. Out of the respect for ATS and the recent issues with racism I ask that your replies be tactful and to keep in mind the topic is a slippery
slope. I also encourage U2U's simply because I don't want this thread to be shut-down.
All my love,