My mother is CRAZY. She keeps sabotaging my relationships

I'm very close to my mother, who did her best to bring me up as a single mom in difficult circumstances. But as I have grown up I've realized she is a little unstable. For one thing, she seems to think every girl I go out with or even show interest in is "not good enough" for me. She'll spend all her time bad mouthing them constantly. But its more than that, I found out she'll always try to sabotage my relationships.

Let's look at the four most recent women I've had relationships with over the past few years.

Girl #1: This was my high school girlfriend. My mom was always insanely jealous of her even though she was/is a kind, sweet, and polite girl. My mom used to make me tell her everything we did together and then spend hours screeching about what a "slut" she was. Then she started following us around and spying on us. One time we were making out in a car my mom suddenly popped out of nowhere and started banging on the door and slamming her fist against the window, screaming. It freaked the girl out so bad she couldnt deal and it was a big part of the reason we finally broke up.

Girl # 2: this was a nice girl I met in the coffeeshop where we worked. My mom faked some emails supposedly between this girl and another guy she was supposedly cheating on me with. Naturally I them accused this woman of cheating and we had a big fight and broke up. It was months later I learned my mom had made the whole thing up. I tried to apologize to the girl but she had moved on and didn't want to talk to me.

#3: By this time I had wised up and resolved to keep my girlfriend secret from my mom. Somehow she found out, though. I have no idea how. Mom started sending this girl death threats. That was the end of that relationship.

#4: Finally I found a girl strong enough to not care. My mom and her ended up in a chick-fight with slapping and biting and hair-pulling after she drove to this girls house and broke in the door at 3 AM, screaming at the top of her lungs that this girl was "holding her son back from his true destiny" (Whatever that is). Even this girl got rattled after that and the relationship didn't last long.

Well, most friends advised me to just move out of the state or something but my mom has threatened to kill herself if I ever did that. She's been getting sick constantly lately and having all these "accidents" but I think it's all self-inflicted so I will come over and take care of her. I'm at my wits end. My mom can be a very sweet nice woman and there is no doubt she loves me but what the heck.

I have to go out now so i cant respond but I'll check back this thread later in case any of you have any advice. Thanks in advance.

eh, this is a hard one for sure... I have always kept a 50 mile rule, it is too far to drive without calling but not so far that normal visits aren't difficult.

You need to gradually get to let you go without the threats, start by staying out late for weeks , then start by staying at buddies house , or gf's house , keep that up , then eventually tell her a job oppurtunity came up and you have to go away for 2 months to get trained , once your away and the 2 months hits , call her up and say they asked you to say for another 6 , Eventually she will get over it :p , Shes just in a phase making empty threats , just play back her game and you will be scotch free.

i would try and get her help as soon as possible, she is doing things that are illegal, and possiblly harming herself, please get help before some really bad stuff happens

I don't say this lightly...

But your Mom is in love with you.



And actually it's a little creepy.



But seriously, I believe honesty is best policy when dealing with life situations. If anyone hasn't told you before, it's because they don't wanna hurt your feelings.

Sorry about your mom. I too had a pretty difficult time living under my mother's roof. Had to move out of that place when I was 16.
Your mom loves you very much, but she needs to tone it down. Have you thought about going to therapy with her? IF she refuses, I would take your friend's advice and leave the state. You need some independence from that woman.

1. send mum for psych evaluation due to suicide threats.
2. move out of house and cut the apron strings
3. tell
mum flat out its none of her concern who you date.

good luck

its simple....she cant bare to "lose" you

all women do this.....your job is to convince her...that your "not" having a great time with a girl...and noone can replace her....

after all...tell her you need sex.....so f off....lol

try not to laugh with your girl infront of her....dont make your mother think shes missing out etc.....

love is great....
but love can be very evil, as it can be a really selfish state of mind.

hug her and kiss her....

peace

Have you thought about telling your mom that you're going to cut her out of your life if she doesn't straighten up? And if she gives you the death, violence and suicide tirade, hit with how unfair and selfish she's being. Ask her why you have to be responsible for her living or dying, when she's the MOM!

She gave you life, and now you want to live it. You love her, but like any normal guy, you've got to have a life.

Maybe she needs medication. But whatever, she's either throwing selfish tantrums and you need to call her out and tell she's driving you away, or she needs to get help.

I know, my mom did the same thing, she was bent of destroying my life and my relationships, and she succeeded in even getting me fired from jobs, until I moved 3000 miles away.

reply to post by Indigo Starchild


Say you don't feel well to get an appointment with your family doctor. Then explain your mothers mood swings and behaviour to the doctor.

What your mother is doing is not healthy, for you or herself.

Perhaps you could also help her to find some social output, like joining a club, helping with a charity or attending a church (you may have to 'lead' her into these activities i.e: "Mum, I'm going to .... would you come with me?").

My guess is that she doesn't get out much or have a partner and is therefore putting all her needs for communication and acceptance upon you. If she had an outlet other than you, she might be more fulfilled in herself and drop the inappropriate clinginess.

Whatever you do, do it in love & care. Don't be tempted to "loose it" and do a runner (which would work for you but not your mum). It would only make the situation worse.

Just my 2 cents!

Your mother needs psychiatric help. If you're religious, talk to your minister, rabbi, whoever. If not, then check for family counseling professionals in the area. You might try the local Human Services.

This is a problem that needs professional guidance.

Originally posted by thePharaoh
its simple....she cant bare to "lose" you

all women do this.....your job is to convince her...that your "not" having a great time with a girl...and noone can replace her....

after all...tell her you need sex.....so f off....lol

try not to laugh with your girl infront of her....dont make your mother think shes missing out etc.....

love is great....
but love can be very evil, as it can be a really selfish state of mind.

hug her and kiss her....

peace

edit on 22-7-2012 by thePharaoh because: (no reason given)

all women?

sorry, but generally I have liked my sons gf's .

I think this must be pure sarcasm, because it is on the ridiculous side.

Mom's aren't afraid to "lose" their boys. They want someone that makes their son happy, and not create a life of drama.

If you aren't being sarcastic, trust me you're way off on the all women comment, though I'll admit there are some neurotic mothers out there.

To the op, your mom and you need therapy together and she needs it separately as well. Maybe a family therapist of some sort can make her realize by the two of you communicating, that she needs to back off on the gf bit, as well as your "destiny". You are in charge of your destiny, free to make the odd mistake as you grow through life.

I wish you the best communicating this to your mother, as well as your mom finding some peace of mind as well as trust in her sons choices.

Originally posted by WhisperingWinds

all women?

sorry, but generally I have liked my sons gf's .

I think this must be pure sarcasm, because it is on the ridiculous side.

Mom's aren't afraid to "lose" their boys. They want someone that makes their son happy, and not create a life of drama.

If you aren't being sarcastic, trust me you're way off on the all women comment, though I'll admit there are some neurotic mothers out there.

lol...yea..im not making a blanket comment...hahah

but yea "most" women hate seeing their sons with a girl....
peace

LOL your mom is messing up your relationships. But your not the only one, she's probably always thought that you would end up leaving and never come back for a girl. But dont worry she just has to get used to living alone thats all. If your already considered an Adult in your country then you should try by going out more and staying out late, but let her know youll be okay. Until she finally understands that your all grown up. Or else she'll probably freak out if your missing. She still thinks your that little boy who needs protection. But making yourself independent and talk to her about and about you moving out and such or else she would get all confused and yell at you like if you were still a child.

Tell her some of your plans man. But dont argue just tell her like a grown up would. If she starts going crazy keep calm like a grown man would do. Keep reminding her that you are going to become independent and that your growing up..... She'll eventually get the point.

Do you have other family members who are related to her nearby?

If so, and they are stable, it is time to bring in them into your problem.

Your Mother is emotionally abusive. She is *NOT* a victim here, but since she is your Mother you may want to take a compassionate view of her BEING AN ABUSER. I put this into caps because you need to know that this is not normal or okay, and that what she's doing does not make her a victim. It makes her a controlling abuser, and you need to protect yourself in the process if you choose to help her through it.

Being honest is a good start. Might not work, but it will lay ground work for later about your expectations and goals.

'Mom, I'm going to date. I may get married and have children. I will not allow you to do this. You can change your behaviour and stay in my life, or I will remove you from it. There is no negotiation here. You didn't raise a child to become an emotionally stunted troll. '

This acknowledges her contribution to your upbringing, but puts down some goals and limitations. She'll try to negotiate, argue or bully. Don't bother to engage. Do you consider any of this negotiable? No? Then don't negotiate. Your wants aren't extravagant and require nothing from her. You are taking nothing from her.

Now this being said: You may want to contact her doctor as well. This behaviour can have a medical basis. Depending on her age, even early onset dementia is a possibility.

reply to post by Indigo Starchild


I would never dream of bad mouthing mom...but she needs help. You may have to lead her to it.

Thanks for responding everyone. Some of this is very good advice.

I'm 100% certain she is not truly dangerous. If anything she is an attention-seeker given to dramatic statements and gestures. But seeing it all written down, I can see now how bad it looks. I'm going to contact my uncle and see about getting her some professional help. I think if the two of us insist together, she will accept situation.

Thank you for helping me reach this decision. I'll let you know how it turns out.

i know exactly how you feel. due to my own personal levity reguarding my empathic principles let me be blunt in saying that my own youth and much of my relationships was uncanny to a combination of the waterboy and the rob zombie remake of halloween. you are not alone

poor woman,sad,but the first thing that came to mind was the movie the waterboy

Oh boy, am I familiar with your situation! I was going out with this guy, and his mum was a complete FREAK.

She spent the whole time bad mouthing his ex-girlfriend to me, but once she got comfortable enough, she started sending him emails telling him to leave me, she turned their entire family against us both "because I was using him for his money" (what money?!), she went to my mums house (which was empty because my mum was abroad) and started opening her mail, trying to dig up secrets on my family. When he and I got engaged, she went into over-drive, being openly nasty to me.
They were planning on emigrating, and she made it very open and clear she didn't want me to go with them. She asked my ex if my engagement ring was the same one that he gave his ex (hers was gold and emerald, mine was white gold and diamonds.... totally the same).
When we broke up, she threatened me with violence, in front of my 6'4 brother. She didn't realise he was there, and when he appeared, she thought she'd start on him for smoking in my house! This tiny 5' woman trying to take on a 6'4 man, needless to say, her efforts were unsuccessful, and she left sharpish.

I've since learnt that she was totally mental at all his previous girlfriends, and now has no contact with any of her sons. My ex is now married, and has had 3 children, and she doesn't see any of them because of the strife she causes him.

Basically, I think women become like this because they are used to having complete control. Ex's mum was head honcho, to the point where her own husband was working nights and would get home at 4-5am, and she demanded he was up by 9am, he was totally cowed by her.