How do you cope with an ADHD 17/son with violent, VIOLENT outbursts?

It means he needs a thorough evaluation, body chemistry, psychiatrist evaluation, a look at the medicines he has been on in the past, past diagnosis (which might have been wrong). The Betty Ford Center will take an overall approach and start fresh. They might even take him off all meds, maybe they'll find he doesn't need any, perhaps it is just anger as others have said, but the voices are scary, schizophrenia starts up at that age. You have one year to do this, after that it will be his decision if he wants to be evaluated unless he goes on a violent crime spree then it will be up to the court and the facility won't be up to par to really help him.

All my best, stand firm,

STM

reply to post by FlySolo


Dave smart said he should have a good kick up the ass, you said you agree with him I quote 100%, what did you mean by that then exactly? In your reply you even went on about how he was "spanked"... Spanking is hitting and it is not acceptable... I'm sure you wouldn't accept it...

reply to post by Skewed


Are you implying for the OP to knock the stuffing out of his son?

Is this how you would react if you were in this position with your own kid?

Don't get me wrong..In my opinion, I think corporal punishment is a parent's right.

But when you have a teen that seems to have mental problems, then giving him a good beatdown is NOT really the right way to go..no matter how spoilt he is or deserving of it.

---

reply to post by benrl

Originally posted by benrl
There is a natural remedy.

We are not allowed to discuss it.
Everyone here knows what it is.
Even as high as 51% of americans think its okay.
Don't know if it would help, but pretty sure it might.

I concur..

---

To the OP:

Seek professional help if you really are worried about his mental state.

Hearing voices cannot be healthy at all, & you should get him to attend a shrink regularly.

All you can do is supportive & understanding at this point..It is a shame as you mentioned, that you weren't involved in his life early on, but since you're a part of it now, then you should look to do everything in your power to help him.

I am dealing with this with my 16 year old son this very week, but not quite so severe. (He also has ADD) His therapist seems to think possibly "Intermittant Explosive Disorder" or "Bipolar Mania"

Intermittant Explosive Disorder

Bipolar Mania

Originally posted by mee30
reply to post by FlySolo

 

He's always known? But how? Was it made clear to him? Did he know because of arguments? As in "he ain't even mine! You deal with him". Trust me that happens... One thing is for certain, people do not just do this kind of stuff on purpose.

I don't even think putting the pressure of work upon him right now is a good thing, I really think he could do with a little LOVE, maybe he has been lacking it. Maybe he feels like an outsider to his siblings due to his step dad not being his dad... What I think he could really do with is a real heart to heart, face to face... I can bet you there is stuff going on deep down within him that needs to come out...

He needs to come to terms with some stuff and just be loved and not judged or beaten some more... Then you can think about work....

You may think I was a little harsh with the second post but really it just sounds like you are siding with his mother and looking for excuses as to why HE has done wrong, then to say you agree with someone that advises kicking him up the ass is just even more wrong. It wouldn't help a damn thing...

Give him some of your time... Give him some of your love... Tell him that things will be okay and you are gonna stick by him...

Don't just believe what his mother says, as obviously she is going to try to defend her actions. Listen to him.

hya

i came across a bit strong
but you are bloody right

Originally posted by mee30
reply to post by FlySolo

 

He's always known? But how? Was it made clear to him? Did he know because of arguments? As in "he ain't even mine! You deal with him". Trust me that happens... One thing is for certain, people do not just do this kind of stuff on purpose.

Because his step-dad is Chinese. He's not

I don't even think putting the pressure of work upon him right now is a good thing, I really think he could do with a little LOVE, maybe he has been lacking it. Maybe he feels like an outsider to his siblings due to his step dad not being his dad... What I think he could really do with is a real heart to heart, face to face... I can bet you there is stuff going on deep down within him that needs to come out...

I agree, but I have yet to develop a bond to find out

He needs to come to terms with some stuff and just be loved and not judged or beaten some more... Then you can think about work....

I don't know were you getting this "beating some more" crap. He was not beaten as a kid and I'm not a child abuser. From what I do know is, he was coddled to the point of rebellion.

You may think I was a little harsh with the second post but really it just sounds like you are siding with his mother and looking for excuses as to why HE has done wrong, then to say you agree with someone that advises kicking him up the ass is just even more wrong. It wouldn't help a damn thing...

I agree with spanking with the right personality at the right point in life. I'm not against corporal punishment but this isn't the topic of this thread. It's the last thing I want to see done and would only exacerbate the situation.

Give him some of your time... Give him some of your love... Tell him that things will be okay and you are gonna stick by him...

Easier said than done. If he doesn't want to talk, he's not going to talk

Don't just believe what his mother says, as obviously she is going to try to defend her actions. Listen to him.

I didn't take everything she said at face value. But I only have her word to go on so you have to understand my position

reply to post by davesmart


I have 3 children, a 7 year old a 2 year old and an 8 month old... Never had to hit any of them... They listen to me and are very well behaved, say please and thank you etc... Like everyone they are not perfect and have their moments but this is easily dealt with by a few words...

Hitting is a big problem and just think about it logically... If your children hit someone what would you do? Say "hitting is bad!" and then hit them? Do you not see the hypocrisy? I know parents that hit their children, it doesn't work... For some it might to an extent, but are they doing things because they know it is right or just out of fear of being hit?

Reasoning is a much better way of dealing with it and yes very young children understand reasoning very well. My 2 year old does... Say she gets excited and goes too far while playing. She does from time to time. I will explain to her that it is not acceptable to hit or bite etc, I will ask her if is okay for somebody to hit and bite her? She knows it is not and will immediately apologize. These occurrences happen very rarely now.

When they get older it will not be an issue as they will already know right from wrong. What does hitting teach? Deal with problems by hitting... After all that is how you deal with it right?

reply to post by tinker9917


I must of had that as a kid into my early 20's. Something hereditary perhaps. Could also be bi-polar in his case because he's much worse than I was.

reply to post by FlySolo

Because his step-dad is Chinese. He's not

You think very young children know about race? I'm sure he didn't know because of that.

I agree, but I have yet to develop a bond to find out

Yeah but a bond is very hard to establish over facebook and phone calls.. Why not offer him a break? Tell him to come to you for a holiday? Is it possible for you to take a week or 2 off?

I don't know were you getting this "beating some more" crap. He was not beaten as a kid and I'm not a child abuser. From what I do know is, he was coddled to the point of rebellion.

You said he was spanked... Spanking is hitting. You would not accept someone spanking you would you? Some people say that kids can not understand reason. Well neither can mentally ill adults, or people with severe learning difficulties (i've worked in that field) is it okay to spank them too? I'm am totally anti violence unless in self defense. There is no need for it and no justification for it.

I agree with spanking with the right personality at the right point in life. I'm not against corporal punishment but this isn't the topic of this thread. It's the last thing I want to see done and would only exacerbate the situation.

The topic was to ask for advice so I gave it, sorry it wasn't something you wanted to hear but there it is... Hitting people is never okay in my book. We can not teach that to our children by hitting them in my opinion. All of what I say is my opinion, but it does stand to reason too.

Easier said than done. If he doesn't want to talk, he's not going to talk

Yeah sure, all you can do is try, over the olive branch and let him know the offer will always be there. The rest is of course up to him. You can not force him.

I didn't take everything she said at face value. But I only have her word to go on so you have to understand my position

Listen I am not here to attack you, really I am not. My back went up because of the spanking comments and boots up the ass comments for reasons I've already explained. The situation is far from easy and you have my sympathy. I'm just trying to come form his perspective a little.

reply to post by mee30


The good ole arse kicking comment was meant to be tongue and cheek imo and not to be taken literal. At least that's how I interpreted it. I understand your stance on spankings but a slap on the butt is far from it. It's not even in the same category. Personally, I was spanked. With a belt on the bare ass. Sure I hated it but I'll tell you I don't blame that for my short comings. I'll tell you what's worse. Verbal assault. This I do hold my dad responsible for my short comings. The spankings made me stronger and gave me perspective FAST. I'm not against it given it's done properly. But let's not debate that issue ok? This is not even a consideration. My role here is not to be a dad because I can't. My role is to be a friend and that's all I can do given the circumstances.

I guess what I'm asking is, is meds really the answer? Or does he need boot camp?

Originally posted by FlySolo
reply to post by mee30

 

The good ole arse kicking comment was meant to be tongue and cheek imo and not to be taken literal. At least that's how I interpreted it. I understand your stance on spankings but a slap on the butt is far from it. It's not even in the same category. Personally, I was spanked. With a belt on the bare ass. Sure I hated it but I'll tell you I don't blame that for my short comings. I'll tell you what's worse. Verbal assault. This I do hold my dad responsible for my short comings. The spankings made me stronger and gave me perspective FAST. I'm not against it given it's done properly. But let's not debate that issue ok? This is not even a consideration. My role here is not to be a dad because I can't. My role is to be a friend and that's all I can do given the circumstances.

I guess what I'm asking is, is meds really the answer? Or does he need boot camp?

Oh boy... Okay lets leave the hitting to one side...

Why are the only options meds or boot camp? Where btw in boot camp you get verbally assaulted. Meds I would say is a physical assault...

Why not just offer him the opportunity to come and stay with you for a while... Don't just hint about it... Tell him you would really love to spend some time with him. You think a holiday could do him the world of good etc. Btw I'm not talking about spoiling him either. Just spending time with him. Just listening to him. Go out on walks etc, have some fun together. Know what I mean?

You most certainly can be his dad! But you do not have to be the authoritarian dad. lol.

It would be so great for you to spend some time... Are you scared about what might happen? It is understandable. You just seem to be a little reluctant...

reply to post by FlySolo


He might not be ADHD at all, he really does sound more like a schizophrenic,(my ex husband had this disorder among several others) proffessional treatment is the only way to go.Just make darn certain you are getting him GOOD psych doctors. Spend the money, you will have to try many different meds and many different dosages before you find the ones that are right for him, this is where most psych patients loose their patience with doctors, but you cannot let him give up.

patients with psychiatric disorders have a tendency to self medicate, hence the drug usage.


www.mayoclinic.com...=symptoms

reply to post by mee30


I'm not reluctant. Granted, it would be way out of my comfort zone seeing I'm brand new to this. But this really isn't the sticking point. It's her that's reluctant. You see, I'm just the guy she can call and dump on now that I'm back in the picture. I'm the lightning rod and the listener. I'm the guy being diplomatic and supportive. I'm the one to help shed light on family medical history and gene pools to satisfy both him and her. But she's made it clear ( in not so many words) she does not want me to feel that now I actually have a say in anything. She was desperate for answers understandably. So in essence it is this. I have to watch a car wreck in progress.

Originally posted by FlySolo
reply to post by mee30

 

I'm not reluctant. Granted, it would be way out of my comfort zone seeing I'm brand new to this. But this really isn't the sticking point. It's her that's reluctant. You see, I'm just the guy she can call and dump on now that I'm back in the picture. I'm the lightning rod and the listener. I'm the guy being diplomatic and supportive. I'm the one to help shed light on family medical history and gene pools to satisfy both him and her. But she's made it clear ( in not so many words) she does not want me to feel that now I actually have a say in anything. She was desperate for answers understandably. So in essence it is this. I have to watch a car wreck in progress.

He is 17 right? Well when he is 18 she doesn't even have any say! But have you said to her that you would like to have him come stay with you for a bit. See if that can help him... After all if she says no she is going to look like she is hindering his recovery and I'm sure she doesn't want that...

Any way he is not even living with her is he? He was/is in care right? So what does it matter to her if he comes to you for a while...

Don't be defeatist about it. There will be tough times ahead but you can help him out I'm sure of it. It will be a little weird for sure but it seemed that when you met him you got on to some degree and that is a great starting point.... I'm sure eventually you will have to deal with the "where were you questions" and it will be a little tough. You just gotta suck that up I guess.

All you can do is try. There will be no quick fix for this though, whether it be by meds or any other method.

reply to post by SmoKeyHaZe


No, I am not saying give the kid a beat down. I am suggesting that the parent use the laws of physics and utilize gravity and put the kid on his ass. We misuse the word "violence" way to much, almost as bad as terrorism. I do not suggest being violent, only forceful to get the point across.

reply to post by Skewed


"Tough love" I think is what you're getting at. Those two words would have been more appropriate from the beginning. She claims to have used that but I don't see it. Just before all this happened, she called me to say she finally agreed to allowing him get a tattoo. I was speechless and had to get off the phone before I said something harsh. She's not consistent from what I see. She even buys him cigarettes to avoid outbursts.

I can't help feeling she enabled him all these years and did a piss poor job. But I can't say that. Anyway, big day today with shrinks and doctors. And his drug test passed BTW.

reply to post by FlySolo


So it would seem.
I agree with you.

reply to post by FlySolo


I deal with my sister who has ADHD, no easy task and she is very violent.. sure I could put her on her ass but she will just smash everything in her path. My friends son has it also, you cannot tell whether to joke or be serious because if he thinks you are laughing about him then he will turn. He is alot smaller than me and when he is mad I can try restrain him but mentally he wants to get up and kill me so he will ignore everything and get up and try kill me, I never have an issue with this as his mother is strict on his pills and my sisters too and with medication this is mellowed but miss one pill and its a battlefield.

Do some damn research.

reply to post by FlySolo


When they have outbursts you just want it to stop so you do anything to avoid it! Don't blame his mother for buying him cigarettes to avoid an outburst until you have to put up with the worst of them.. believe me, my sister has outbursts which end in our house in ruins.. it is not her fault as it is a mental illness, not something "fixable" but if handled right they can be avoided or not as bad as they would be.

You obviously need to learn a lot more about mental disorders.

(this is in response to your most recent post in the thread)

As for the ghosts... www.mind.org.uk...

Yes it is British but has alot of explanations.. Have a read through

Originally posted by Skewed
reply to post by SmoKeyHaZe

 

No, I am not saying give the kid a beat down. I am suggesting that the parent use the laws of physics and utilize gravity and put the kid on his ass. We misuse the word "violence" way to much, almost as bad as terrorism. I do not suggest being violent, only forceful to get the point across.

Good luck taking this advice.. Put him on his ass and he will get back up and attack you until you knock him out. People really need to be more educated on mental issues.