How do you cope with an ADHD 17/son with violent, VIOLENT outbursts?

Ok, this is my only thread regarding some personal advice, ever. I'm not the type but I've been in this community long enough so here goes...

I have a 17 year old son whom I have never been involved with before. Until now. Just this past November he contacted me for the first time on Facebook after some time of investigating what my name was, listening around the corner to his mom's conversations etc. I won't go into the details about what happened 17 years ago other than his mother and I departed and she dropped off the face of the earth. We had only known each other 3 months before she became pregnant so we really didn't know each other at all. After 8 months the relationship was over. I was never allowed contact and was threatened by her family to stay away. I never did anything wrong, we just has a big fight over the phone and that was it. Done. That was the last time I ever spoke to her.

Moving forward. I live 2000 miles away now. He contacted me and we began to talk. We chatted for hours on facebook and then after a few days his mom called. As you can you can imagine, I was apprehensive about taking to her after all these years but I knew this day would come.

We had a great talk and it was almost as if we both had an "emotional enema" and managed to put our differences behind us. She proceeded to tell me all about my son. In fact, 'warn me'. He no longer resides with her and her husband of 14 years and her second child (he's in foster care). He was diagnosed with ADHD, been expelled from school, constant fighting and has a reputation of being "wild". No one messed with him. He was using intravenous street drugs for a year, O.D'd on prescription pills and was admitted to rehab. He uses suicide as a threat to his mom, breaks new phones he gets, attacked with a knife, punches walls and swears at his mother. His facebook page is full of Satanic images and his choice of music is rather distasteful. Cannibal Corpse?? However, he does like Pink Floyd. Yaay! Anyway, all of these problems began around 14. She also felt the importance of telling me, he hears voices. One night before he was kicked out, he woke the entire house terrified there is a ghost by the name of Tia living in the basement. She's convinced it was a drug psychosis. She felt sorry that I wasn't able to know him during his good years and feels guilty that this is my introduction and now these concerns are now in my lap. I immediately flew home for Christmas to meet him.

I didn't know what to expect when I met him but I was surprised and relieved to see he is very bright, courteous, and well mannered. Naturally on best behavior of course, but nonetheless, he has the right tools to succeed. My meeting with him couldn't have been better timing. He was searching out for his identity and while his mom and I would talk frequently, she would update me that my visit was a positive experience. He's been clean for months, dropped his loser friends, has a nice girlfriend and has completed his three-week job program working at a music store.

This Wednesday all of this has changed. She called me on Thursday to tell me he's been hearing voices again and sent her pictures of "the ghost" in his place. He attacked someone on the street Wed night, broke a shop window and began stabbing himself with the broken glass. The police arrived, was handcuffed (at one point in the evening, don't know all the details) and was admitted to the hospital in an ambulance. From there he was belligerent to the hospital security, angry about not being able to do what he wants, swearing at his mom, a complete rage. She wishes I could see the hospital CCTV. She stayed there till 11 am and now he finally is getting the medical attention with shrinks, psychiatrists and staff. Prior to this, she was dealing with medical professionals who didn't take her seriously. Now that he has demonstrated he is a danger to himself and/or others, they have taken it upon themselves to diagnose what's going on. Former medications consisted of Ritalin and antidepressants. I forget what the latest one is but I think Tamoxifen rings a bell.

So what's going on with this kid? Paranoid Schizophrenia? She tells me he picks fights with anyone who looks at him wrong and thinks people are against him. A combination of being a self-entitled youth with no respect for authority and ADHD? Demonic? I don't know. I try to send him texts but he only responds when things are going good. Sometimes his answers are brief and I don't hear from him for weeks. It's hard for me to see if this is just a teen acting out or if he really has some serious issues that require medical attention. He's 17 in a few weeks and one more year he'll be an adult. He could be looking at some serious jail time if we don't get this figured out. It's unfair she cut me out and I couldn't have had a role from the get go. Now he harbors some deep deep deep resentment towards her I think.

Any suggestions?

hi op

all you can do is be a father
be there for him and offer your help and guidence
if its not enough
at least you know you tried
dont beat yourself up
good luck
dave

There is a natural remedy.

We are not allowed to discuss it.
Everyone here knows what it is.
Even as high as 51% of americans think its okay.
Don't know if it would help, but pretty sure it might.

Originally posted by benrl
There is a natural remedy.

We are not allowed to discuss it.
Everyone here knows what it is.
Even as high as 51% of americans think its okay.
Don't know if it would help, but pretty sure it might.

il say it

a good bloody kick up the arse

reply to post by davesmart


Psh, violence is never the answer.

My answer was in my post.

My wifes brother is one of these ADHD kids, they had him pumped full of so many pills.

Well now hes a reasonably function member of society... and hes pill free.

He claims whats hidden in my first post helped him.

reply to post by davesmart


We (me and her) talked about that today. I asked if he had spankings and she said yes. But her spankings mean a smack on the butt. He's spoiled and he admitted that to her. Further, I agree 100%

reply to post by FlySolo

We (me and her) talked about that today. I asked if he had spankings and she said yes. But her spankings mean a smack on the butt. He's spoiled and he admitted that to her. Further, I agree 100%

yea, thats not whats wrong with kids, parents either Medicating the crap out of them, or beating them to fix things.

People, Their failure as a child, is your failure as a parent.

reply to post by FlySolo


Well although you have given a good post as to what happened and you have given some background etc it is really hard to say what is up... Short answer is I don't know...

But a few suggestions... He's obviously been lied to his entire life! About you mainly, and that has to have some kind of effect! Do you know when he was told about you? Does that co-inside with these events? You say he changed around the age of 14, was this when he found out about you? Imagine thinking for years that some guy is your dad and then finding out that actually he isn't! That's some heavy stuff.

Actually you mention that he heard stuff through listening in to conversations. So maybe he was never officially told? Maybe he confronted his mum and was merely lied to some more? It is bound to have some effect...

I'm really against pharma drugs to be honest, I think they do more harm than good. I know that can be an unpopular opinion but I have my reasons for thinking this way... So I think just making excuses and blaming him in a way (by labeling him ADHD) would compound things even more.

He's probably just really confused about his life and really messed up. Especially as eventually he was just abandoned into the care system. I've been there btw, I know what it's like.

Have you ever thought about asking him to come and stay with you? Is that something you are willing to do? Would you have the time for him?

Originally posted by benrl
reply to post by FlySolo

 

We (me and her) talked about that today. I asked if he had spankings and she said yes. But her spankings mean a smack on the butt. He's spoiled and he admitted that to her. Further, I agree 100%

yea, thats not whats wrong with kids, parents either Medicating the crap out of them, or beating them to fix things.

People, Their failure as a child, is your failure as a parent.

Well in her defense, their other 11 year old is the complete opposite and they didn't do a thing different. Everyone responds differently I suppose. But what about the voices and ghosts? Something more serious is at play here...

reply to post by benrl


I will say it if no one else will....

Show him who is boss, at the least put him on his ass.

ETA: someone beat me to it.

My sister is currently going through a similar situation with her 19 year old son. Good one minute, off the rails the next..... It all comes down to making sure he is on the right meds and takes them correctly. I hope the court is keeping track of his medical care insisting on blood tests to check drug levels and also for illegal drugs. Also, do NOT buy him a car, its a weapon if he is in a bad time.

Just be firm that his medical care is priority, once he is 18 the parents do not have much say if they need to check him in for evaluations, get the most help you can for him now. The Betty Ford Center can do a full evaluation and treatment for cases such as his (they are not just for druggies anymore).

Good luck,

STM

reply to post by FlySolo


No No No, you really think a good beating is the answer here? Holy sh!t man! Do you realize that spanking is hitting? If you do something wrong is it okay for you to be hit? This tells me even more why he is messed up!

So he's been lied to and had things hidden from him, he's learned his whole life is a lie and when he has played up due to that he has been hit! What a fantastic upbringing! And you think he needs more of the same?

Yeah give him a good beating, that will solve everything!


Tell you what, best advice? Just stay away from him please...

reply to post by mee30


He told me he's always known her husband was not his dad. He only found out about me before Christmas because of his own investigations. She was going to deny this information until he turned 18.

I mentioned, well hinted, several times I want him to come here and work with me in my business. I think it would be good and I have no problem with it. She doesn't like the idea because there is a "control" issue still. Plus, she's loves the system and holds all professionals in high regard. She said, "leave it to the professionals, he's in good hand now" pffftt. I have to still be careful as to what my opinions are even though I told her.

ETA: He also tell her he has felt this rage since age 4

reply to post by mee30


He's 17. It's too late for that type of discipline. And who said I want to give him a beating? Stay away from this thread please. Thanks.

Originally posted by mee30
reply to post by FlySolo

 

No No No, you really think a good beating is the answer here? Holy sh!t man! Do you realize that spanking is hitting? If you do something wrong is it okay for you to be hit? This tells me even more why he is messed up!

So he's been lied to and had things hidden from him, he's learned his whole life is a lie and when he has played up due to that he has been hit! What a fantastic upbringing! And you think he needs more of the same?

Yeah give him a good beating, that will solve everything!

Tell you what, best advice? Just stay away from him please...

i was going to say What the hell...have you got a child?
if you have, wait till your child gets to the hormone age
what are you going to do?
say oh there there my child heres the rod beat me instead

dont talk crap
ive been through childrens homes and foster parents most of my childhood
they need a fecking beating or wen they get older they will give you a beating
this crappy world is getting worse by the day

Originally posted by seentoomuch
My sister is currently going through a similar situation with her 19 year old son. Good one minute, off the rails the next..... It all comes down to making sure he is on the right meds and takes them correctly. I hope the court is keeping track of his medical care insisting on blood tests to check drug levels and also for illegal drugs. Also, do NOT buy him a car, its a weapon if he is in a bad time.

Just be firm that his medical care is priority, once he is 18 the parents do not have much say if they need to check him in for evaluations, get the most help you can for him now. The Betty Ford Center can do a full evaluation and treatment for cases such as his (they are not just for druggies anymore).

Good luck,

STM

edit on 7/20/2012 by seentoomuch because: (no reason given)

He's agreed to a full drug test. Whew! This means he's most likely clean and wants to get to the bottom of this. But when the drug test comes back clean, then that means his "voices'" are not drug induced. Which leaves what then?

Originally posted by FlySolo
reply to post by mee30

 

He's 17. It's too late for that type of discipline. And who said I want to give him a beating? Stay away from this thread please. Thanks.

ok
il go aswell op
but believe me he is going to milk it alll
just like the immis here in my country

Originally posted by davesmart

Originally posted by FlySolo
reply to post by mee30

 

He's 17. It's too late for that type of discipline. And who said I want to give him a beating? Stay away from this thread please. Thanks.

ok
il go aswell op
but believe me he is going to milk it alll
just like the immis here in my country

oh yeh

you seem to know a lot about him since you have not seen him in years
dont mean to be personal
but you did broadcast it

reply to post by davesmart


I don't know anything about him other than what I was told and what I've seen of him. Nothing personal because I didn't pick up on anything cheeky. Or was I supposed to?

reply to post by FlySolo


He's always known? But how? Was it made clear to him? Did he know because of arguments? As in "he ain't even mine! You deal with him". Trust me that happens... One thing is for certain, people do not just do this kind of stuff on purpose.

I don't even think putting the pressure of work upon him right now is a good thing, I really think he could do with a little LOVE, maybe he has been lacking it. Maybe he feels like an outsider to his siblings due to his step dad not being his dad... What I think he could really do with is a real heart to heart, face to face... I can bet you there is stuff going on deep down within him that needs to come out...

He needs to come to terms with some stuff and just be loved and not judged or beaten some more... Then you can think about work....

You may think I was a little harsh with the second post but really it just sounds like you are siding with his mother and looking for excuses as to why HE has done wrong, then to say you agree with someone that advises kicking him up the ass is just even more wrong. It wouldn't help a damn thing...

Give him some of your time... Give him some of your love... Tell him that things will be okay and you are gonna stick by him...

Don't just believe what his mother says, as obviously she is going to try to defend her actions. Listen to him.