I don't exactly remember when it was, but at some point a member Aquarius1
had made me
her friend. I noticed she had been a member since 2004 and I felt sort of honored that she felt strongly enough about my posts to make me a friend.
Some time after that, I don't remember when, she started sending me U2U's. Usually just brief messages showing support for this post or that, but as
time went on we began to let down our guards and actually start talking to each other like friends do. At some point, I am not exactly sure when, we
exchanged email addresses and would write lengthy letters to each other.
She would ask a thousand questions of me as if she were doing an interview and I would do my best to answer her questions, slinging a few questions
back at her. At some point, I'm not exactly sure when, I began to love her. I love her for many reasons, She was the peaceful calm to my violent
storm. She was the amused observer to my pointed outrage. She was my friend, my confidant, and a part of my extended family. When times got tough
for me she would pick up on this and would do little things to help. She sent me a Starbucks card once when she realized I was using that place for
an office, and would periodically reload it when she knew work was work was slow for me. I never asked her for help, she just would do it.
About a year ago I stopped hearing from her for a period of time, and concerned, I wrote and told her I missed her. Still no reply. Then a few
months later she finally wrote me and told me she had been struggling with cancer, but was in remission and believed the worst was over. I was
relieved and for a time we wrote each other often, but as times got harder for me, and as I began to feel the pressures of life closing in on me, I
was reticent to write her has often for fear I would piss and moan too much and bitch about things that in the perspective of her own battle surely
must seem petty. She would be patient with me but my emails became increasingly fewer as I dug in deep and did my best to fight my own battles. I
didn't want her to think she had to worry about me what with her own worries.
For the last week she had been on my mind daily, several times throughout the day. I knew I had waited too long to send her my love and let her know
I was thinking of her and how much she meant to me. A week and a half ago I had my lap top stolen from my "office", but as life would have it, many
friends showed much concern for how I would continue to work, and in fact, I am typing this post on a friends computer he loans me during the day
while he is at work until I can replace my own. Finally, yesterday, deciding I waited too long to contact Aquarius and ironically feeling more
positive about life even though the theft of my own computer was a kick in the gut I could have done without. I wrote her a brief email, suspecting
that something might be wrong. I noticed she hadn't been in this site for a while. I told her I was thinking about her, how much I missed her and
that I wanted to know she was okay before I started yammering on about the continuing adventures of JPZ.
This afternoon I received a reply. It was not, however, from Aquarius, but from her daughter. I know what her daughter looks like because Aquarius
often sent me photos of her and her brand new baby, Aquarius' brand new granddaughter. The note was brief and courteous, explaining to me that
Aquarius had finally succumbed to the cancer she had struggled with and had passed this last Friday.
I should have, I could have, I wished I would have, but I didn't. I waited too long and when reading the email today I understood why she was in my
head these past few days so strongly. I am sure she knows my regrets on not taking more time to let her know how much I care about her...even so...I
should have, I could have, I wished I would have.
I will miss her dearly, my sweet Aquarius1, and I look forward to someday seeing her on the other side where we can laugh, where we can drink and
dance and enjoy the company of good friends. Above Top Secret was a better site because of her.
edit on 16-7-2012 by Jean Paul Zodeaux because: Fixing the misty eyed mistakes.