Is being alone the only way to true peace? Deep questions

I have a question. Even though I consciously like people and like to socialize, I find myself more and more preferring to spend time alone. I don't know why. It's like my conscious wishes and natural inclination are at odds with each other.

So I got to meditating on this, and now I think I might know why I feel this way.

Basically, it's like this: Other people are emotionally taxing and make you feel vulnerable. They drain you, criticize you, judge you, make you feel pressure to act a certain way, give you a feeling of vulnerability, etc. They greatly complicate your life and compromise your peace of mind. Sure, other people may bring you happiness, joy, pleasure, companionship and fun, however, they also bring you pain, sorrow, worry, disappointment, attachment and rejection as well. So these "ups and downs" of being around others makes you feel like you aren't really in control, as if you are always at the mercy of others. You know what I mean?

Why do I feel this way? Have any of you felt this way before? If so, has it made you feel like spending more time alone with the distraction of others? Obviously, it's taboo and uncool to feel this way, I know. But it does seem like the deeper of a person you become, the more apt you are to feel this way. Why is that?

Are people who feel this way, like I do, too self-absorbed and selfish because we don't like to compromise who we are by being around others? Or is it a matter of being an introvert? Is there anything wrong with feeling this way?

Conventional psychology would probably say that those who feel this way have some kind of mental disorder. But would that be true? Isn't that just a convenient label to attach to people who don't conform?

Why is it that an average person and typical conformist usually will feel empty without others or some group to conform to, whereas people like me feel emotionally taxed and compromised around others, as if our peace is disturbed?

Why is it that most people will never go to a restaurant, theater, concert or public event alone without company, lest they feel like a loser? I don't understand the logic behind this attitude. Have any of you out there ever been to a restaurant or theater alone before? I have and don't understand the problem with it. I don't get why it's so abnormal and taboo.

This is not just about social interaction. The mere presence of strangers out in public can be emotionally taxing as well, even in a supermarket or mall, because in public you always feel pressured to behave a certain socially acceptable way, even around strangers. Not that it's too difficult to behave around others, but rather, the mere presence of this pressure feels intimidating and emotionally/spiritually taxing. Also, out in public, there is this sense that other people are silently judging and evaluating you, even if they aren't talking to you.

Moreover, the energy vibe of masses of people around you can make you feel strange too, especially if you are a nonconformist amidst masses of conformists around you who are materialistic, judgmental and operate on a different vibe/frequency that you do. This is kind of hard to explain, but do you know what I mean?

Is there something wrong with me? Why do I feel this way?

The more deep you become, it seems, the more you realize something: When you are alone, there is this GREAT PEACE and TRANQUILITY you can NEVER have while you are around others, including a significant other, and especially around those who are different than you. You also feel more in control of things without others to interfere or complicate things or compromise yourself.

Could this be why some misfits, nonconformists and freethinkers become hermits? And artists and composers too?

Could this explain why the genius chess champion Bobby Fischer, became a hermit after winning the world chess championship in 1972?

Is there anyone out there who can relate to how I feel? If so, how do you balance your need to be alone vs. your social needs for others? Do you choose one or the other? How can you have both when they seem mutually exclusive?

I would surmise that I am more likely to feel this way when I am in a culture or environment I'm not compatible with, rather than one that I feel more compatible with. I would guess that around like minded people, I would feel like being a hermit. This makes sense, since after all, people who are different than you or on a different wavelength, are not going to make you feel validated, but quite the opposite. What do you think?

Now, I know that most content on the web is very superficial and lighthearted, so I apologize if all this sounds too weird or deep compared to most public content out there. But I am just trying to understand why I feel the way I do. If you are not a deep person, you may not understand how I feel and find it kind of weird. If so, then this question is obviously not for you.

I have already pondered that question, I must say I agree.

I have reached certain point in my life where I felt I needed to grow spiritually. But found it hard to live the life with somebody around. Anybody...even someone you love. It is a rare thing to meet and live with someone who understands or practices the same.

Solitude makes good companion for deeper inner self reflection. I have often found my meditative routines diverted by the daily grind and people around me, coupled with my own "easy to be talked in to" attitude.

Bottom line...my opinion is...although a loving relationship makes you grow in a certain way...true inner comprehension and spiritual growth is more easily attainable by being alone.

There is a difference between being alone, and being lonely.

What you suggest is being alone - where you have the option to have company when it suits you.

Being lonely, where you have little choice in who you associate with, can be intolerable.

I choose to be alone, but I am also very lonely. I accept that. But it is far from what you describe - there is no satisfaction in my life given these facts. The alternative for me is to return to bad ways, bad company, bad situations that lead me into bad circumstance.

I have spent so long this way, it is just how it is. I am trying to remedy things with certain psychological 'tricks' but at the end of the day, when it's night time, and silence fills the air, all I have are regrets.

But would I choose company over sanity? No...

You may feel yourself in solitude, but you have the option to go out and be a part of a group.. at least from what you say. Others like me, have no choice. I'd be dead long ago had I stayed in contact with people I used to know.

Much to the chagrin of the good folk on ATS who think "God I hate that guy..." lol

to laugh is to live..

Anything for a quiet life, eh? People need other people, we are after all social animals. I kind of know how you feel through mate, sometimes i find it a chore being around others, friends, family, GF and kids. Thats life im afraid!

I've been alone for ten years now, I go to work, do my job, I interact with people as little as I possibly can, I agree with your statement that people do drain you, for various reasons, seeking validation, seeking to pull something over on you, you seek to live a peaceful life and others do anything they think they can getty away with whatever deceitful behavior they can think of. I think after ten years of being alone like this, the best one can do is to be aware that there are alot of lousy people in the world and and the only thing you can really do is to be cautious about the intentions of others.

reply to post by WWu777


I've been reading a book you might enjoy and get a lot from:

Quiet : the Power of Introverts in a World That Won't Stop Talking

I'm about half way through it and I keep exclaiming, "that's me!"

I think it's because the world is changing and not in a good way, unfortunately. There are rude drivers, people who are constantly yakking on their cellphone, texting, etc...There are so many wars, we're unhappy with our president and unemployment is high. People are unhappy. It makes perfect sense to feel not connected to society and to want to spend time alone. It does not mean you are lonely.

Independent people enjoy reading, going to movies and restaurants alone. I have always been this way. I had a job where I was constantly connecting with people and I grew tired of it. I moved to the country, started my own business and I work with animals only. I felt the need to withdraw from people and, like you, I feel a sense of peace being alone. I feel that I have grown to the point where I feel a deep connection to nature and animals. It's hard to explain but I do not feel alone.

Originally posted by Toromos
reply to post by WWu777

 

I've been reading a book you might enjoy and get a lot from:

Quiet : the Power of Introverts in a World That Won't Stop Talking

I'm about half way through it and I keep exclaiming, "that's me!"

I love that title.......a world that won't stop talking.

This is what I want to learn:

www.amazon.com...=pd_sim_b_7

Those types of people mystify me. I just can't see how they do it. Just the tern "Introverted Leader" seems like a contradiction in terms.

youtu.be...

Why is it that an average person and typical conformist usually will feel empty without others or some group to conform to, whereas people like me feel emotionally taxed and compromised around others, as if our peace is disturbed?

You allow others to disturb your peace, you don't have to 'read' others emotions or react to whatever they are saying (even nonverbally) in the way you do. Draw your attention on yourself and start reading your own reactions and make those more important than what you perceive in others.

The social pressure exists in your own head which means you can change your mind and brain to end it, no one but you just as only I can change my brain and the way I see things and react to them. That social pressure might exist in other people's heads too, even a majority but that doesn't mean it has to be in yours.

You can shut them out and be completely at peace and silent in public places. It's just a matter of getting in control. Instead of having to be in a physical place without people to convince the mind to stop translating others and have peace of mind, this mechanism can be turned on and off at will, just as one opens and closes a door to a crowded room.

Some people might react strangely and even try harder to evoke emotional responses but as long as you stay friendly, don't tell anyone and respond as if you don't know what the other is talking about or pointing at, no one will know.

reply to post by WWu777

Is there something wrong with me? Why do I feel this way?

The more deep you become, it seems, the more you realize something: When you are alone, there is this GREAT PEACE and TRANQUILITY you can NEVER have while you are around others, including a significant other, and especially around those who are different than you. You also feel more in control of things without others to interfere or complicate things or compromise yourself.

Could this be why some misfits, nonconformists and freethinkers become hermits? And artists and composers too?

Could this explain why the genius chess champion Bobby Fischer, became a hermit after winning the world chess championship in 1972?

Is there anyone out there who can relate to how I feel? If so, how do you balance your need to be alone vs. your social needs for others? Do you choose one or the other? How can you have both when they seem mutually exclusive?

I would surmise that I am more likely to feel this way when I am in a culture or environment I'm not compatible with, rather than one that I feel more compatible with. I would guess that around like minded people, I would feel like being a hermit. This makes sense, since after all, people who are different than you or on a different wavelength, are not going to make you feel validated, but quite the opposite. What do you think?

What do I think? I think you are onto something. Let me talk a little about Vampires, we have all heard of them, and watched them in movies. Now imagine a Psychic Vampire, instead of sucking human blood, they instead such Life Energy right out of you. I myself can do this, on a concious level, so I know it is possible. We of Humanity are Energy Beings, first and foremost, we are Energy, and we are always hungry for more energy.

That being said, it looks like from your writing that you have found a Frequency where this doesn't bother you, and even though is may be seen as anti-social behaviour, you like it there, and do not really care what society thinks or says. That about right, WWu777?

I can relate.

Sounds like you just need a new group of friends. Get rid of the friends that are a drain. Find new friends that add positive energy to your life and find a girlfriend/boyfriend

Detaching yourself from rest of the world is how you attain peace, but that does not make you "alone", you are connect all the time, everyone, every life when you attain true peace.

Even when you are alone and feel lonly you are truely never alone. You are a part of everything (a physical universe) and it would not be itself if you where not part of it. Other people egos limits your freedom and that can be a pain somtimes. Also being helpful and fixing all the constant small problems that you need to fix to make everything work smoother is both interesting but extreamly draining. I am a person that relax when I can ponder lifes mysteries and think of ideas on how everything really works.

I will not really have the life my ego really wants with a loving soulmate and a few kids. You cannot always get what you want but you can get what you need.

Do not push yourself to much to fit in. From my point of view being introvert is a sign of understanding to much and seeing thru things that other people do not notice. I became introvert because the world was not what it was supposed to be and I just did not care to play the games. The funny thing is that today the people around me understand this but they where totaly blind 20 years ago.

reply to post by WWu777


Well, to answer the title of your thread, I will say this: many people who claim to have found peace have done so through extensive meditation and introspection. So, technically, peace can only be found while alone.

That said, I'm right there with you - I don't like being around people very much at all. They talk too much, and interrupt my thoughts. I think too much and don't talk enough (well, according to other people, anyway).

I would, gladly, be a hermit. I only have one friend, and I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. I don't care about "the night life" or "fitting in" and I don't think twice about going somewhere on my own. The fact of the matter is, I know what I want to do and I've got little time to deal with other people's emotional responses to every single thing.

Now, some would say I'm cold and heartless. Maybe they're right. Or, maybe, they just can't understand what it's like to be an empath. I think you, WWu777, are empathic. This is not to say that you feel everything other people feel, but you understand everything other people feel. And, you always have. This is why it is emotionally and mentally and even physically taxing on you to be around other people.

The good news is that you can learn how to control it. You can shut off that part of your brain that "hears" other people all the time. Just learn to be you, instead of being present with them.

Someone else already posted that the pressure you are feeling is false. This is true. It is pressure you are creating because you are uncomfortable - you see their insecurity, and you project it toward yourself instead of at them. They are insecure inside, and so will judge others who happen to be nearby. There's nothing you can do about this other than to not care.

I know it's hard not to care. But, you've got to learn to see that other people's superficial attitudes and behaviors are just that - false. You can see through their masks. You do not wear the same mask. So, don't pretend to! Be who you are and don't worry about anyone else!

If you like to be alone, be alone. If you feel like being social, be social. Just do what feels right to you, nobody else knows you like you do.

Live free.

reply to post by WWu777


The true source of wisdom, power and peace is the God within you. As you are a creature formed by the union of your mother and father, you as part of creation only need look into a mirror and see the connection to your source that you have within.

Peace is something offered, only when it is something achieved within. No one can teach how, just the why.

There is no peace in other men's hearts. They will only compliment your peace or tax you because of it.

When you have achieved peace within, that solemn peace, then you may share it with others. They are not the source, just the recipients.

Originally posted by WWu777

Basically, it's like this: Other people are emotionally taxing and make you feel vulnerable. They drain you, criticize you, judge you, make you feel pressure to act a certain way, give you a feeling of vulnerability, etc. They greatly complicate your life and compromise your peace of mind. Sure, other people may bring you happiness, joy, pleasure, companionship and fun, however, they also bring you pain, sorrow, worry, disappointment, attachment and rejection as well. So these "ups and downs" of being around others makes you feel like you aren't really in control, as if you are always at the mercy of others. You know what I mean?

Why do I feel this way?

You feel this way because you are likely extremely introverted. If you were extroverted you would feel exactly the opposite. Introverts draw their energy from within and do not like the outside world to "rock their boat" while extroverts draw energy from others. There is no right or wrong to being an I or an E, it just explains the differences. Take the Myers-Briggs survey some time, you'll learn a lot about yourself and you will be surprised at how accurately it describes your behavior, likes and dislikes based on your personality type.

I think your general understanding is becoming more and more common as more people start to see what we're really doing to ourselves. Especially with how we think and look at each other before we ever get to any physical interactions.

The only thing I feel it is overlooking is this: There is great peace when alone. There is great opportunity when together.

Both are valuable, though I understand it being hard to find opportunity worth pursuing in the current environment. I feel good about where we're going... feels more like holding on during a rough storm than a permanent situation.

If you were able to go out into an environment where you were confident everyone there was looking at each other without judgement but compassion and interest it would be an entirely different thing and you'd probably find it hard to want to stay alone except to physically recharge.

I totally understand how you feel as i am a rabid introvert and always have been.
It has steadily gotten worse over the years as I have become more spiritually aware.
The more questions I get answers to the more it isolates me from the rest of humanity.

However,!!!!!!!!

Without others,
we have no way to give because we have no one to give TO.
And isn't that the whole point of life in the first place?
To give freely of ourselves to eachother.

Hard to do when you're always alone.

In short,
You and I are cheating others by not being available to them and
we are also cheating ourselves by refusing the opportunity for our own spiritual growth thru giving.

So, there must be balance.
Kind of cliche' I know but you'll see, it's true.

You just described me to a T, actually.

I've spent a lot of time alone, willfully alone, not alone due to circumstance. Friends drain me, I call them emotional vampires. There is one friend who I see that fills my heart with love and joy and is always giving, never taking, but she lives a bit away so I don't see her that much.

Here's a great example right now. My phone rang 10 minutes ago and it was my best friend's Husband (they are separated) and I didn't answer. My phone rang five minutes ago and it was my best friend. I didn't answer. What a terrible friend I am, no...not so. Her husband only calls 1) If he is drunk and trying to hit on me 2) If he wants to get the truth about something she inevitably lied about or 3) Wants to give me a false story to tell her about something he inevitably lied about. ( I refused to pick sides in the divorce). When she calls within minutes of his calls it's for those three reasons as well minus the hitting on me part.

See all that right there? Any decision I make after answering that phone will result in an avalanche of events where I will ALWAYS come out the bad guy in the end. My choice? Silence phone, throw across room. That's what I mean about emotional vampires.

I have a phone relationship with most of my friends because we have gone to live four and five hours away from each other. Still, I know from phone habits what exactly is going on with them.

I don't go out. Ever. Period. My idea of going out is going to the park with my son. I've been asked to go out to the bar or the club or the whatever so many times by the friends who live closer to me that they don't even ask anymore. I always say "SURE!" then flake. They know the move. I have no interest in the type of man who hangs out at a bar and the vibes roll off me hard enough to crash an entire party. It's not my scene.

So what happens is...My BEST friend will call five times a day for a week straight. We will do laundry together, laugh about the kids, gossip a little (we all do it come on) ok a LOT, and talk until our ears hurt then someone will say "Oh my phone is dying" (it's not) and just hang up mid sentence.

Then there will be silence for two weeks. Those five time a day calls end....all is quiet and I start to wonder why I even have a cell phone. Then, what happened today happens. See for these two weeks my best friend has been doing things like getting wasted and messing around with guys, getting in fights with her husband, leaving the kids with her mom two more nights that is generally accepted as "a break" and plowing down vodka like it's going out of style. She doesn't call me, because she knows I wont relate, and wont have anything nice to say so I wont say anything at all.

And here we are today. She's ringing my phone off the hook, these two weeks have bitten her in the arse somehow because she AND her husband are calling me, and I'm going to get thrown in the middle of it if I answer that phone.

But, like I said, there are great people too. People who give and don't take, people you give and only accept what is offered from each other. Like my other friend. Those people fill the gaps, not create new ones. Unfortunately they are a rare species and hard to find, so I am not going out into a sea of vampires to look for new ones. I'll keep the one I've got and if I'm meant to run across a new one I will.

I was raised an only child, and I have surmised that this may just be an "only child thing" which I also have a list of but that's a whole other thread. Being alone comes easy to me, I have gone many years without saying "I'm lonely". I did say it about a week ago for the first time and meant it. What did I do? I went out and ended up with an emotional vampire that has wrecked my head for the past two weeks.

When I am alone, my life is full. I got lonely, it happens. I paint, I do my business, I enjoy my son, I don't have to explain myself to a significant other, I smile more than I cry. When I'm in a -relationship- I live in a constant state of confusion, answering questions I feel as though I shouldn't have to answer, and compromising my happiness constantly for someone else.

So....you are alone, and being alone is true peace...I agree. BUT, there are people out there who are the same as you, and it's okay to be whatever you need to in order to live in peace.


And that's my rant on this topic lol

Love,
Val

True peace comes from being satisfied with everything. And I do mean everything.