posted on Jul, 16 2012 @ 06:45 AM
I have a question. Even though I consciously like people and like to socialize, I find myself more and more preferring to spend time alone. I don't
know why. It's like my conscious wishes and natural inclination are at odds with each other.
So I got to meditating on this, and now I think I might know why I feel this way.
Basically, it's like this: Other people are emotionally taxing and make you feel vulnerable. They drain you, criticize you, judge you, make you feel
pressure to act a certain way, give you a feeling of vulnerability, etc. They greatly complicate your life and compromise your peace of mind. Sure,
other people may bring you happiness, joy, pleasure, companionship and fun, however, they also bring you pain, sorrow, worry, disappointment,
attachment and rejection as well. So these "ups and downs" of being around others makes you feel like you aren't really in control, as if you are
always at the mercy of others. You know what I mean?
Why do I feel this way? Have any of you felt this way before? If so, has it made you feel like spending more time alone with the distraction of
others? Obviously, it's taboo and uncool to feel this way, I know. But it does seem like the deeper of a person you become, the more apt you are to
feel this way. Why is that?
Are people who feel this way, like I do, too self-absorbed and selfish because we don't like to compromise who we are by being around others? Or is
it a matter of being an introvert? Is there anything wrong with feeling this way?
Conventional psychology would probably say that those who feel this way have some kind of mental disorder. But would that be true? Isn't that just a
convenient label to attach to people who don't conform?
Why is it that an average person and typical conformist usually will feel empty without others or some group to conform to, whereas people like me
feel emotionally taxed and compromised around others, as if our peace is disturbed?
Why is it that most people will never go to a restaurant, theater, concert or public event alone without company, lest they feel like a loser? I
don't understand the logic behind this attitude. Have any of you out there ever been to a restaurant or theater alone before? I have and don't
understand the problem with it. I don't get why it's so abnormal and taboo.
This is not just about social interaction. The mere presence of strangers out in public can be emotionally taxing as well, even in a supermarket or
mall, because in public you always feel pressured to behave a certain socially acceptable way, even around strangers. Not that it's too difficult to
behave around others, but rather, the mere presence of this pressure feels intimidating and emotionally/spiritually taxing. Also, out in public, there
is this sense that other people are silently judging and evaluating you, even if they aren't talking to you.
Moreover, the energy vibe of masses of people around you can make you feel strange too, especially if you are a nonconformist amidst masses of
conformists around you who are materialistic, judgmental and operate on a different vibe/frequency that you do. This is kind of hard to explain, but
do you know what I mean?
Is there something wrong with me? Why do I feel this way?
The more deep you become, it seems, the more you realize something: When you are alone, there is this GREAT PEACE and TRANQUILITY you can NEVER
have while you are around others, including a significant other, and especially around those who are different than you. You also feel more in
control of things without others to interfere or complicate things or compromise yourself.
Could this be why some misfits, nonconformists and freethinkers become hermits? And artists and composers too?
Could this explain why the genius chess champion Bobby Fischer, became a hermit after winning the world chess championship in 1972?
Is there anyone out there who can relate to how I feel? If so, how do you balance your need to be alone vs. your social needs for others? Do you
choose one or the other? How can you have both when they seem mutually exclusive?
I would surmise that I am more likely to feel this way when I am in a culture or environment I'm not compatible with, rather than one that I feel
more compatible with. I would guess that around like minded people, I would feel like being a hermit. This makes sense, since after all, people who
are different than you or on a different wavelength, are not going to make you feel validated, but quite the opposite. What do you think?
Now, I know that most content on the web is very superficial and lighthearted, so I apologize if all this sounds too weird or deep compared to most
public content out there. But I am just trying to understand why I feel the way I do. If you are not a deep person, you may not understand how I feel
and find it kind of weird. If so, then this question is obviously not for you.