Down In A Hole

Lying on your back, you can once again see the light at the top; laughing. You never thought you'd be back here, but the snug-fitting, self-created mold in the ground reminds you just how familiar it is... The light stares down at you; so elusive, yet so blindingly present. The more you contemplate its existence, the further it seems to stretch away, growing dimmer. An all-too-common reminder that have to get up. You can't stay here. You have to get up.

But it's so nice here...

You're tired from your previous climb up that dirt wall. You just want to rest for awhile. "Can I just catch my breath?" you ask. "Really, what is the point of this if I just keep ending up back here?" you doubt. Looking around, you wonder how you even got this far down. The dirt is freezing, the air is thick and musty, and still, no matter how hard you search, there is no shovel in sight. Just how did you get this far down? It's not too important, anyway... Still.. you have to get up. You can't stay here. You have to get up. You know what'll happen if you stay. The roots are already beginning to grow out of the ground, just ready to latch on to you. You've seen them before. They are relentless and will do anything they can to keep you here. If you let them grab you now, it'll be even harder to get up and you may even get stuck here. You know what you have to do. You have to get up. But that's the hardest about these journeys. At least, once you get up you have some momentum to carry you a ways. But the actual act of getting up... that's where all your strength comes into play. Gravity crushing you, using your muscles in awkward ways, the dirt slipping underneath you, it all makes lying here seem even more attractive. It may be cold but you are used to it now. The cold doesn't effect you. And who knows? Maybe if you did manage to get out, it would be all hot. You are starting to kind of like the cold these days. But... it would be nice to maybe feel some warmth too...

...

You've done it before. You've gotten up, you've climb that wall. Maybe this time you'll finally get out. Maybe. There's only one way to find out, though. You have to get up... Why not just try sitting up for awhile? See how that feels... It's kind of nice, isn't? It feels different but different is good. Now you can try standing. Feel those bones starting to rattle? They like that. They need to move. They thank you for it. And look.. you're standing! You're ready to go, ready to climb; half way there. Getting up was the hard part, now all you need to do is start climbing. Well, I won't lie.. it's not going be easy, but... the reward will be better than anything you can imagine. You have to go....

You stand there, facing this dark, dirty wall. It stares back tenfold, but you aren't going to let it intimidate you. You know its secrets, how it works. You've learned some tricks along the way and have even dug previous handles in the wall. This trip will easier than the last. Still hard... you know that, but easier than the last. And really... you don't have anywhere else to go. So, you have to go. You have to go.

...

One hand at a time, you dig your fingers into this wall. The dirt pushes under your fingernails as you sink in. There's that old, familiar feeling again. You know this dirt better than anything. Still, while you two may be good friends, you have to part ways with it and move on. You reach up, grab some dirt, and start to pull yourself up. You can feel the blood begin to pump through your body. It's kind of nice. Though you're still weak, it almost makes you feel like... you're alive... but you still have your doubts... Regardless, onward you climb, kicking your feet into wall, making progress. The light starts to get brighter even though you just started, but that's your goal. The light. That light. You don't even remember what's up there but you know that is where you have to go. So, don't look down. Just keep climbing. You have to keep going. And you do... you keep climbing for a disheartening amount of time. It hasn't got any easier, it is taking forever, and still that light is out of your grasp. Don't listen to these doubts. It's just The Dirt playing tricks on you. It wants you to stay, forever, with it. So, you have to keep moving. You have to keep going...

So far, you've past quite a few familiar landmarks. This journey is all too familiar... but it wouldn't be had, you not a reason to keep attempting it so many times. You know in the end it'll be worth it. Well... you don't really know that, but you hope... Regardless, you have to keep climbing. You have to keep digging your fingers into that dirt, before The Dirt digs its fingers into you. Earlier you didn't want to even get up, now you are terrified just thinking about being back down there. So, you move on... because you have to. You have to keep going

...

You keep climbing and you start to notice something. "I don't know where I am." Nothing around you looks familiar. You have never seen this rock before, or this root, even the dirt looks different. Usually being lost is a bad thing. However, in this case, it's amazing feeling. It's being lost in The Lost. It's a double negative. A positive. How great it feels to see something unfamiliar. Which reminds you... you are close. You have never been this far before. The Light is starting to almost get unbearable. But that doesn't stop you. You can't wait to get out. You're so close. You just have to keep going. What is that smell? You smell something fresh, like it could be flowers; honeysuckles maybe. You hear something too. It sounds like water flowing and animals. "Is that a bird?" All these things are so alien to you now but you still know them. You used to experience them everyday, and you will again soon. You are almost out. You can't even see The Wall infront of you now, just The Light. You have to just keep grabbing at that dirt. A few more steps and you are free. Personal freedom will be yours!

Here you are... you are at the exit, ready to leave this Hell. Ready to rejoin The Life. It's so exciting and euphoric, you well up with tears. Understandable. I would too. Just this last step and...

...

...

You feel a slight rushing feeling at your back. "What is this?" you ask. It's air... Your foot slipped... The Dirt tricked you. You thought it was a good spot to step, but you were wrong. It crumbled, gave way. Now... you are soaring back down, at high speeds. You look up as you sink, all you see is The Wall rushing past you and The Light getting further away. Further and further away... until BAM!

"Bam" and then silence. Complete silence. You shift your body. You can feel the indention in the ground. The familiar indention. You look around... all familiar. It's cold, there is no shovel, and you hurt. You hurt so much. Tears flow out of your eyes. You are back at square one. Rock bottom. The Dirt has you...

But not forever...

Because you have to get up. You will get up.

reply to post by ErroneousDylan


Wow, this is so encouraging. You're in a pit with a hole at the top. Climb. Fall back down. Climb, fall back down. Climb and fall again. Rise only to land in the dirt yet again, right back where you started. But you have to keep going. Why? Just because.

So encouraging. It's funny because that's exactly why we've chosen to take the blue pill...to forget that we're stuck in a dirt hole, with freedom so close and yet so far away...

reply to post by AfterInfinity


Thanks for your response =)

Great post! May I add that after a few climbs and falls, you start to realize where branches and roots are that you can grab on to - to stop you from falling all the way back down.

Originally posted by Maluhia
Great post! May I add that after a few climbs and falls, you start to realize where branches and roots are that you can grab on to - to stop you from falling all the way back down.

Very true. Sometimes, however, you fall too fast to grab ahold of anything except your worries.

Thank you for the kind words.

Thanks for the story, a very familiar place. There was a time I remembered the light, I knew it was going to be a long journey. But now I feel like a worm, just living for the dirt as it just gets deeper and deeper by the day. The only end I can see is the inevitable, as deep within the mountainous rock is a fractured and rotten core as the pressure continues to build. If only we could see, but as we do it was meant to be.

Mountains will rise and fall as the fire and sea wash it all away. In the dirt I feel safe as I can see it unfold before me. Eternity is but a brief moment as the light will return one day, for now we must continue to learn the hard way.

reply to post by kwakakev


I write from experience and the dirt under my nails. I understand what you mean.

Black Gives Way To Blue

reply to post by ErroneousDylan


I can see that and so do I.

Information warfare is a new battle ground, but living in the trenches as everything you once believed in is blown away still has a familiar tone to it.

reply to post by DanielET


I had to joy of seeing them live (post-Staley ) and got to watch this song played in Washington D.C.

reply to post by ErroneousDylan


I would write a long bunch of bs agreeing with you, but that would be pointless. You should probably write a song or two, you might be good at it. I can't figure out how to make this post sound like anything other than patronizing you, but I like the way you describe things, you would make a good writer IMHO.

Then again I am a fan of Alice in Chains and grunge so that might be my bias speaking. By the way, the most epic Alice in Chains song is this:
(okay not really "officially" alice in chains)

Mad Season, River of deceit:


Don't get much more real than that, damn I miss the 90s. Brother is probably my second favorite song, both awesome songs when you get away from their heavier stuff:



Not that I don't like heavy music, I just love a heavy band that has a sense of "realism" as well. Alice in chains is one of the best. I grew up on this # brother.

I won't run away like I used to do.

reply to post by RSF77


Thanks for the meaningful reply. In fact, I can play both of those songs. I hate to take a minute to talk about myself but Alice In Chains is the reason I started playing guitar 10 years ago. The problem is... I am much too critical of my writing when I try and write lyrics. I've never wrote a complete song to this day because I am always going "Nah, those words suck." and trash it. For now, I am just an instrumentalist.

Both of those songs are amazing, however. I do think I enjoy Brother much more when it is unplugged, though. I really think AIC stole the glory of the Unplugged sets, in my eyes. Cobain had a nice set, Pearl Jam was good, so was some later Incubus, when they all did Unplugged. But to hear the contrast from crunching riffs to an extremely well-done acoustic convert is amazing. I love it.

Any regard, I see your Mad Season and raise you one Class of '99. (Not that I think it is any where close to the best Layne Staley piece but it is also a gem most do not know about and was his final recording. Not nearly my favorite though.)



I thank you very much for your compliments.

reply to post by ErroneousDylan


Sadly, I can't play any instruments, but my cousin is wicked on a guitar. I wish I could play, but I guess I like to see myself as a poet and not a player in a weird sort of way.

Yea I've heard that but I didn't know it was staley and alice, I've even seen the movie but it was back a while. Kind of doesn't do em justice if you ask me, the stuff they come up with on their own is much better. Have to give points for the pink floyd though . I'm just a critical bastard that misses the good old days.

Pink floyd though, jesus, he had something there drug induced or not, some weird stuff. Hehehe.

Don't worry about being critical of yourself, # everyone else.

Write half to conform and half to not give a #, whatever gets you money lol. It's a sad, greed driven world. Hell, write against it.

reply to post by RSF77


Class of '99 was actually a bit of a supergroup, but then again I suppose Mad Season was also:

Class of '99 was a short-lived alternative rock band consisting solely of members from notable rock bands: Layne Staley of Alice in Chains as the vocalist, Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine on guitar, Stephen Perkins of Jane's Addiction as the drummer, bassist Martyn LeNoble of Porno for Pyros and with the help of Matt Serletic on keyboards.

Wikipedia

Really any of those combo bands like Temple of the Dog I would considere a supergroup just because everyone that came out of Seattle was gifted beyond belief.

But yeah, I agree, Chains will always be better on their own.

reply to post by ErroneousDylan


Yea, you don't see that kind of # happening now huh?

Sad. I think the world has changed and it's not in favor of individual expression. Crazy how they said in "the matrix" that the year 2000(right?) was the height of mankind and nothing but bad # has happened since then. #, maybe they were right.

About "supergroups" though, I don't think that's much more than a marketing term. Mad season could have been something awesome, but it wasn't, and that sucks. Well.. it was but nobody knew.

I honestly don't know all that much about class of '99, I probably should though as an Alice in Chains fan. Really I hate rage against the machine though, not so much "hate" as I just don't like them. I guess somebody somewhere decided that AiC should be linked to California music, this I don't agree with. I think AiC is more in the spirit of East coast/southern music than anything the west coast has ever put out. Not that I'm in that big bunch of bull#, but stuff that comes out of Seattle just seems more "east coast"-like to me.

It's like in the 90s Seattle was the east coast of the west coast, idk # it lol.

That being said, I have a lot of respect for old west coast music.



Good stuff. Hell maybe I've grown to be more of a lover than I am a fighter, how ironic. People never should have gave up Alice in chains and grunge bands though, those were some of the greatest bands we can remember.

reply to post by ErroneousDylan


You write well, ErroneousDylan.

It is true - and can be applied to many different facets of our lives - we are all climbing toward the light.

My "hole" is depression. I climb out and even get to explore the light for awhile, but it is always there, waiting, like a shadow that follows me no matter how far into the light I go. Finally, though, I've been able to stay in the light for long stretches, and the hole starts to cave in on itself - when I fall, it's not as far. So, there is hope, after all. The light is so warm that it's not even a chore to climb anymore, it's a pleasure.

I appreciate your symbolism and I appreciate that you took the time to write this out. Thank you.

reply to post by ottobot


Thank you for your kind words, ottobot. My hole too is an emotional problem. That is great to hear that you get to stay out of your hole for so long and that it's filling back up. Hopefully, one day, it'l be completely filled for you.

Falling and losing control aint a bad thing.
It is the gate to the underworld, where the hall of Hell is found, Goddes of death and the underworld.
Hell has a mighty sword, with that sword she will cut our earthly ties, if we ask her to do so.
Hell is a place to heal, to become whole again.

If one is falling because one does not succeed to make it in the above world, maybe it is time to contemplate on the importance of having succes, being somebody special, wanting to be loved, the need to be seen, the strive to what seems to be the light, but is in fact it is deep darkness.

reply to post by earthling42


Never said it was =)