Trying to come to terms with something that took place in my neighborhood.

Hello all. I hope all are having a nice Tuesday night. I need to get some things off my chest (mind) and hope posting it on here will help. I have my doubts , but it's worth a shot. This is going to be very sad, very disturbing and as with me it made me sick to my stomach. It has since the 25th day of June.

On that day, the 25th of June I came home at around 2:30 in the afternoon. I live in a rural development in N.C. I live an a culddesac (circle) at end of our development. Mind you the house's arent close. Most drive ways are pretty long, When you pull into the culdesac you only see mailbox's and driveways. when I topped the hill it looked like evry law enforcment officer for miles were in my culdesac, I could'nt even see my drive way.

I was more than anxious to know what the hell was going on. I quickly found out they were at my neighbors house. Here's where it gets sad and the part I need help with. My neighbor's 13 year old son, went into the woods behind their house and hanged himself. His father found him. He was 13 years old, why did this young man take his own life? He was so High in the tree his father could'nt get him down, had to leave him and run and call 911. He died the morning of the 26th.

My wife & I were and in many ways still in shock about it. You never know what to say to the parents, the normal " you have our deepest sympathy ". But I can't seem to stop thinking about it. I would see this young man in the mornings most days waiting on the school bus, even gave him a ride on some days he missed the bus. I had just got thru with taking care of their dogs for the previous week when they went on vacation.

Had just seen and spoke with him that Sat when they came home, he thanked me for taking such good care of the dogs. Less than 48 hours later he took his own life. I still can't fathom it all. I don't think I ever will and I'm just the neighbor. I can't begin to imagine what it;s like for his parents, especially his dad. I am not great friends with these folks just a good neighbor as are they.

I ve dealt with death of family members passing (mom & dad). Three friends drowning in the same summer when I was young. A friend of my kids that I had known since he was about 4 ( actually saw him in the roadway )with a tennis ball size hole in the side of his head from being hit by a car in a motorcycle accident. Two blocks from my home. None of that is this..This is keeping me up at night. Wondering, why?

I could never ask his parents, how could any one ask them that? I know it;s a sad a situation I have ever dealt with. I have found myself crying out loud at work over a boy I really did'nt know. But I do now his life had'nt yet begun & it's over. I keep seeing my own kids when they were that age, and still wondering , how, why? I remeber when I was that age, I know this much for sure, my kids are grown 27, 25 I asked then if they had ever at anytime growing up think about stuff like that, they both said no. I still wonder why? what was so bad, so terrible that at 13 you feel as though you can't go on any longer?

I hope some one more educated than myself may be able to offer me some insight as to how to deal with this sense less death of such a nice young man. Being a parent of two and step parent to three, all I can say to any one is if you have a kid about that age, talk to em, hold them, keep them tight to your vest, know who & what their into. Be a parent, there's plenty of time after their grown to be their friend. And for any one who may have lost a loved one by suicide. My sympathy goes out to you, because it seems to me it's a hurt that time can't heal.

His parents asked that instead of flowers please contribute to the natioanl suicide prevention organization. I did, and will again. Every 25th of June for the rest of my life. I hope to live to be a thousand years old. I only hope you are at peace young man . I just wish I had known you better Let your kids know you love them, even if they hate you for it. If I put this in the wromg place mods move it. I just thought this was the best forum. Lots of eyes..

I'm so sorry for the loss of this fine young man. A boy really, who will now never grow to be the man he could have been.

I'm sorry for the confused feelings you are going through. Who's to know what secret torment drove this young man to end his life. We read too much of this these days. It could have been bullying by others his own age. Still no reason to end one's life.

Be kind to yourself. There wasn't anything you could have done, given the circumstances. I'm sure that may be part of what is going through your mind. Wondering if you missed a signal somewhere, could you have said or done something that would have changed things.

But the fact is...it had nothing to do with you. There was nothing you could have done. It's a terrible, sad tragedy that effects so many now. Be kind to yourself....Love those still here as much as you can...

Prayers for the Boy, his Family, and You.....may you all find Peace...

Des

Wow. Not a lot one can say to help you understand or deal with this. I think perhaps talking about it here may help somewhat.

One of my ex-girlfriends killed herself around age 50, and a cousin's husband about the same age. Obviously not the same, but I do know somewhat how it is. I've out-lived two wives; one who died from breast cancer and one from MRSA, but haven't lost a child as of yet. I honestly can't imagine it. Thanks for posting this my friend, hope you sleep better tonight...

Suicides always leave people feeling not just sad, but more disturbed, because it was a conscious choice this young man made.

I have a very good friend who's 14 year old daughter hung herself in her closet rather than go to school and be bullied another day. I don't know why she did what she did. The family is tore up over it and probably will never get over their grief fully. How can you?

The feeling that such a young person could see no other alternative to their troubles is a fairly recent phenomenon in our culture, and so it is upsetting. We ask ourselves, "What could we have done to prevent this?" The parents suffer and beat themselves up over what they could have done or not done.

We don't want to believe that a young person, barely a teenager, could do something so violent and so final to themselves, and so we wonder if we could have seen the signs before it happened. The truth is, most people don't see the signs. Teenagers are emotional and dramatic. When do they cross that fine line between being dramatic, and being desperate?

You will probably never come to terms with what happened. Hopefully, though, you will gain an understanding of how our culture has turned into something of a monster, that chews up sensitive, thoughtful children and spits them out. Perhaps, as you get to know other young teens, you can maybe let them know that you are there for them if they want to talk. They may not take you up on it, but they'll know that an adult not related to them actually cares enough to make the offer.

My heart goes out to the parents and friends of this boy. It is very sad indeed. There could have been a number of reasons for why this boy decided to take his life. He could have been bullied at school, into drugs, maybe had mental issues, maybe he just found life overwhelming and chaotic. No one knows for sure, and no reason will stop the pain of such a devestating loss. May he rest in eternal peace.

My childhood neighbor shot himself when I was off at college, and I still think about it until this day. I wasn't as effected as you are, but I was still young and hadn't lived long enough to begin pondering life, and other people's motives.

Despite your sadness for this young man's death, I urge you to think about why this tragedy is touching you so. It is certainly bringing something up for you----something in your own life that needs expressing.

Perhaps you are in mid-life and beginning to contemplate the end of your own life. Or maybe you never grieved for the other people whom you know who died in the past. Or perhaps the mysteries of life are just getting to you, finally catching up. I, too, have been pondering some intense questions two days before my 50th birthday. I wonder where the time has gone, and more than ever, realize how quickly life goes by.

There is a reason your neighbor's death is touching you more so than other tragic deaths you've experienced in life. You're at some sort of emotional crossroads in your life, and what that is...only you can know.

I never understood suicide, still dont.

Death is so permanent and life so full of possibilities.

We can point to the failure of the parents, of the school, of society as a whole.

But the truth is, we may never know why that young man did it, only he knew what personal torment drove him to it.

I had a friend eat a bullet in high school, it turned out he was being molested by a family member, it was his way of saying F-u to his abuser and family who ignored it.

The sad thing is his death really only accomplished a gentle soul leaving this world.

reply to post by openyourmind1262


Sorry to hear of this very sad, yet all too common tragedy that has touched your life.

As a Father, I can only imagine your neighbours grief.
If his Son had been killed in a road accident, murdered or died of sickness, there would be some sort of closure.
With suicide there can only be agonising questions that am sure will endure forever.

That poor man must now feel so helpless, that not only he could not help in his Son's life,
he was powerless to save him from death. I am sure his Mother is bashing herself up as well.

There are no winners here.

Ultimately it is a selfish act but who knows what torment and despair drives people to suicide?

You can take some comfort in knowing that this boy is now at peace. But hey, I really feel for his family.

Ok, now I wish to preface my comments with.. sorry for those left to face this and suicide should never be an option. That said (please don't flame me cause I really am not heartless), I have a theory about suicide. The only "selfish" people are those that 'attempt' suicide and fail. Those are the people that want to, try to, wish to but ultimately do not succeed. Usually those people pick themselves up and move on. Sure it causes a stir at that time for all those involved but it is left in the past with enough time.

That leaves those that 'do' succeed. I often look at those that are left behind and hear/see the struggles they endure. The guilt, blame, shame, confusion, pain, all the ugly things that we as humans wish to avoid. Now here is the kicker, most of those that go through that are better for it. They are stronger, more capable to empathize, loving, just all around better for the tragedy. Not wanting to lessen their suffering really but it is true that most people that survive those types of pain are far better for it than if it never happened.

I am terrified how I will react when/if someone close to me passes. I am 36 years old and have never been close to anyone that has died.. I don't feel prepared for it at all and sometimes wish I had a pet as a kid that died (natural causes preferably) but didn't. I 'sympathize' for this family but cannot empathize and in that I am weak.

reply to post by openyourmind1262


It sure seems to suck doesn't it, youth wasted.
In christian circles they will say it was gods will, in muslim it is allahs will.
I believe it was what had to be done in order for this soul to move forward, I don't believe in accidents or anything short of destiny.
Maybe his death was put in your face to remind you or others how "precious" life seems.
If this is what you took from it, do so and live your life while you can.
Just don't dwell on it, it is done and cannot be undone.
We only move forward.

A gigantic thank you to all who responded. I sat last night and simply tried to understand why I feel the way I do.
When my parents passed, it was'nt sudden, it was long & drawn out. Plenty of time to come to terms with the passing.

When my friends from school died back in my youth, I think I was just to young to let it effect me the way this has.I was a single parent for many years, I raised my two for 17 years all by myself. There were allways young folks in my house, somtimes it like they did'nt want to leave.

I just keep thinking about when my two were that age. How happy they were, how excited they were that they were growing up, doing the things kids do. That first boyfriend, that first girlfriend, that first broken heart, all the first's this young man want get to do.

I know there's nothing I could have done, there;s no sign I missed. It's just so sad it cause's a hurt I have never felt. A helpless hurt. My heart goes out to his family...His older & younger brothers, one in military one just 5 years old. His life is forever changed.. As I leave this a.m. I will look out across that culdesac and I will see what I have seen since the 25th of June, a home that is so full of heartbreak it's allmost smothering in sadness.

No parent should ever have to outlive their child.. I have decided to check out volunteering at our local high school, try to help those kids that may be headed down the wrong path. As my wife said last night, : "This is hurting you so, because you were born to be a father, She said I have known you 12 years & every kid our kids know come to you for advice, they come to you because you know how to talk to them on their level. She said, some of these kids look at you like a father figure because theirs is gone our busy or just don't care.

Then she reminded me of fathers day. She said, sweetie you had 5 people call you and wish you a happy fathers day & they were'nt your kids. 3 of them came by to see you. Then she said the words that hit me the hardest, she told me, there's nothing you can do about what happened across the way. Nothing. Only move forward, and keep on keeping on.. It hurts, it's sad, it's rotten, it's so many things.... That's why I love my wife so, she is the glue that holds me together. Please give to the Suicide Prevention Agency in your city state or town. A couple bucks aint gonna kill ya. But it could save a life, perhaps even a family.

This may be my most personal post so please be kind.
I had 2 attempts in my youth. Now I was abused and came from a highly dysfunctional family.
My oldest child inherited my melancholy disposition and had 2 attempts herself. She was raped by a boyfriend. We didn't know about that until years later.
I've had 2 very close friends "succeed" and 4 other friends kill themselves.
I share this so that you'll see that I have been on both sides.
Today, I have a beautiful life. I discovered that I had an auto immue disease, and vitamin d deficiency which causes seasonal affective disorder.
Life can get out of control. Mental health issues, health issues, family, finances, so many things can make a person just not want to wake up tomorrow.
I think the saddest thing about suicide is that it is a rejection of life and it's possibilities.
But that being said, a person can't always see through the muck to the joy down the road.
I suggest you reach out to that family and make a comfortable space for them to talk. I would tell them how deeply it's affecting you. They will feel shame and guilt and they need to have a shoulder to cry on.
Can you offer them that? It may help you to take a healing action.

reply to post by openyourmind1262

I hope this young boy wasn't bullied at school which caused him to commit suicide. Kids are bombarded by cruel kids both in school and on the internet.

I don't have an answer to how you cope with your feelings for this young boy. I can understand how this could be so unsettling especially when its happened so close to home. It's tough when adults pass but when they're young and have their whole lives ahead of them, it tugs at your heart and soul. Maybe talking about it with someone will help ease your pain. I hope overtime you will find peace and know this young boy lives on in a better place.

reply to post by hqokc


When the time is right, I will reach out to his family. But right now they need their space, for now I will be what I allways have to them. A good neighbor & friend. Sorry for all the sadness you have endured in your life.. It seems as though you have a handle on it all now . Thanks.

reply to post by openyourmind1262


Chances are, this young man of 13 was probably a victim of severe bullying at school and/or online....thats after factoring out any child abuse at home or through church.

Condolances to the family; best you can do is offer your assistance should they need anything (which you have clearly done) and be a good friend.

I hope some one more educated than myself may be able to offer me some insight as to how to deal with this sense less death of such a nice young man. Being a parent of two and step parent to three, all I can say to any one is if you have a kid about that age, talk to em, hold them, keep them tight to your vest, know who & what their into. Be a parent, there's plenty of time after their grown to be their friend. And for any one who may have lost a loved one by suicide. My sympathy goes out to you, because it seems to me it's a hurt that time can't heal.

reply to post by openyourmind1262


My sympathies go out to you and the family. It's an issue of experience I think. My son, went through a few bouts of depression in his life. He considered suicide more than once. I noticed he was down and made him speak with me. Unlike when we were growing up, school is different, it can be a hellhole for some and they feel hopeless, they may try to speak up but it's humiliating and hard for some to explain their feelings. I told my son nothing stays the same, I hammered into him that life is full of ups and downs and I picked out a time in the past that he had fond memories of, and told him that if he committed suicide before that time, he would have never experienced that good time in his life. I added, that situations never stay the same, down times are temporary and I tossed in a couple of my own experiences. I gave examples of how he wouldn't even exist if I gave up before he was born, and how he has brought the most joy in my life above every other experience. I pointed out his qualities and assured him to hang on because just as there are bad times, there are good times to come, times that he will look back and be glad he didn't give up. I gave him examples of the freedom he will have that he didn't have as a child (so often children feel they will never be able to make their own decisions, they usually can't see too far ahead of "now"). Anyway, I hope this helps. Parents pay attention to the changes in your child's actions/behaviors, and force them into a kitchen table, sit down chat. My son is now 27 years old, engaged to a wonderful girl and enjoying life, he and I are very close and he still remembers the talk we had and is grateful.

I need to add that when you find your child depressed, don't pop him on the damn pills, put everything aside and be there for him, nothing in this world is more important than being the parent your child needs when he needs you.

One of my cousins sons who we were very close with did the same thing around 10 years ago. It was his brother that found him that way and I believe it will haunt him the rest of his life.
He was in a coma when they got him down and they flew him to the hospital nearby where I live. I was with his mother and father who were separated at the time when the doctors told them their son was brain dead with no chance of recovery. Both of them were so distraught they could not even think. I had to tell them their son was already gone and that they needed to let him go.
I'm still very close with his brother who was deeply changed by it all. No longer is he the happy, funny kid I once knew and it's sad to see.
Kids take their own lives for many reasons and I can remember the confusion and heartbreak of being that age. I would never relive my teenage years for anything. I had plenty of fun but lots of misery too.
Like you said all you can do is love those around you as if each day were the last. All too often we find it's too late to say the things we really wanted to.

You would be surprised at how few people are able to muster the courage to comfort those who've lost someone. They think somebody else will be doing it when they aren't because they're afraid too. Go see the parents, tell them words fail and just give them a hug. Tell them you will be there for anything they need at anytime. Waiting is the worst thing you can do right now. They might need you more than you can imagine.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do.

My own father took his life about a month ago now, and you quickly learn, there's nothing you can do about it, no matter how upset or angry or confused you feel, there’s nothing but time that can heal this sort of grief.

The best thing you can offer the family is, that in the future, once they’ve come to terms with their grief, is to offer a solid friendship, and let them know there's always a house next door that their more than welcome to visit whenever they want, because support from friends and family is more than important after losing someone so special. Give them their own time, they'll want to be alone right now, but in the future, let them know your support is there.

Just know that the reason for the boy doing this wasn't selfishness. It was desperation. And wherever it is he resides now, he is ultimately happier.

This is such a sad story. Suicide is rampant and affecting more and more youth. I lost 3 friends this year to suicide, one by hanging, one by a psych med overdose and one to a gunshot to the head. I have been exposed to death my whole life and didnt shed a tear over any of my 3 friends nor did I attend a funeral service, my days are over for funeral homes unless it is very close family. I dont believe in the funeral process as it is a waste of land and our bodies were meant to be returned to the earth, not sealed in a vault in the ground. Im 43 and my friends were close in age, but I feel heavier in the heart with your story than I did for all 3 friends of mine combined. Young people do not realize anymore that things get better and sometimes rock bottom is not a bad place to be as it wakes you up to mistakes and problems and allows you all the room you need to rebuild your happiness. I dont believe in a place called hell and I always said " If everybody knew where you went after you die, everybody would probably commit suicide to get there" If life is that bad, painful and tormenting that these thoughts run through your head, I would think that hell is here on earth..... Prayers for you and your neighbors.

My heart goes out to you and the neighbours family.

We as a society just don't invest the time in our kids that we did in the past. There's pressure from every angle to work/pay bills/shopping/pay bills/tweet/facebook etc. Adults cope with these pressures as best they can, and often fail. How can we expect a child to deal with these issues??

Kid's are cruel, they always were, and they always will be. No amount of education on bullying is going to stop it completely. After a 2 hour bully workshop, the kids go outside and pee themselves laughing as they pinch Chesters lunch. There's no way to stop it in a society that rewards the strong...

So, what are the options? Take the time to invest in your kids, arm them with dealing with suicide. Teach them that somebody or group is going to pour crap on them until they break. They have to know its coming and then can deal with it better. But mainly, the parents need to stay connected to their kids take them away from the cul-de-sacs and computers and get them outside in nature a bit (see my topic in my signature).


*sigh* We will never know what many more great things this young man would have done. But some kid out there will be reading this thread and that kids life will be saved. I wish you all the best in moving forwards.