I sat alone in the bathroom staring at a stick with 2 pink lines staring right back at me. I didn’t really need the test. I knew the answer before I
wasted the money. I was just hoping for a different answer altogether.
I sat there for the longest time with trembling hands and tears falling down my face wondering just how this happened. I mean, I knew how it happened
logically, but emotionally my mind just kept screaming “how”?
We weren’t trying to have another baby. Life was rocky, finances were just as rocky, and my 2 year old daughter was all I ever wanted.
I wept because I didn’t know what to do. I was not excited. I was ashamed of myself for not being thrilled. I was ashamed of myself for not wanting
this to be true. What kind of mother feels that way? What kind of mother can love her 2 year old enough to lay down her life for her, yet not be over
the moon about having another child?
I hated myself for this. It gnawed at my soul and when I caught reflections of myself in the mirror, I despised what I saw for what I was feeling.
I made my appointment with the doctor, still hoping the test was somehow wrong. Again, I received the answer that I already knew. I was about a month
along. My husband was happy. Our families were happy. Yet I was still loathing myself for not feeling the way everyone else did.
Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months, and I had a turn around myself. I started to love this other half of me, growing inside of me. My
baby. I was relieved when the sonogram clearly showed another little girl and felt my heart melt as I watched her on the screen sucking her thumb
already. I loved her more than life itself at that moment and I cried openly laying on the table. Hard. Tears of relief that I wasn’t a cold hearted
monster, and tears of happiness that she appeared perfect in every way.
With weeks left until delivery, I readied the nursery. I picked out clothes, bottles, swings, car seats, etc. I was growing giddy with anticipation
and could not wait to show my newest daughter what she would come to call her home...her sanctuary.
Not long after, I woke up with contractions. My husband and I dropped my daughter off with a grandparent and headed to the hospital.
A short hour and a half later on Father’s Day, we welcomed our second child into this world.
As I held her guilt washed over me again. How could I have not wanted this perfect love in my life? And again, I cried. Tears of shame for ever
feeling the way that I did and tears of joy so immense that only a parent could understand it.
The next day we all headed home as a family of four instead of a family of three. It felt perfect. I was more at ease this time around and enjoyed
seeing the differences in the following weeks between my 2 little girl’s personalities.
Again, days turned into weeks and a rhythm for my new family of four had been set. It was as if we had always been four.
Two and a half months in...and my world shattered into so many pieces, that it will never be fully repaired. Pieces will forever remain missing.
That morning I awoke in the bed with my back turned toward the crib. Instantly I knew... Something was wrong. I didn’t want to roll over. My feet
didn’t have to hit the floor for me to know that my my life was eternally fractured.
I couldn’t bring her back. I tried. God knows I tried. I called 911, I called my husband, and thought, dear God please don’t let my daughter walk
in on this.
The EMT’s came and continued their efforts. We got a neighbor to come sit with our daughter when she got up so we could follow to the hospital.
But I knew... I knew then, like I knew before I rolled over. I raged. I screamed. I cried. I lost all sanity on that hellish ride.
She was pronounced at the hospital and I raged again. Why? Ten million times, Why? I would rather it had been me... I felt like it had been me to a
degree. Why not a serial killer on death row? Why not some thrice convicted pedophile? Why not anyone on the face of this planet besides my baby?
Later that night after the chaos came to a minimum and I had a second to breath...the guilt came again. I recalled how I felt about being pregnant so
many months before. Is this Why? This is my punishment for not being “all in” from the very beginning? And God how did that hurt....there are no
words. There are days where it still hurts just like that and it has been 11 years. In retrospect, if it weren’t for my oldest, I would have thrown
my chips in that very first week. I spent a long time with Why. I still visit Why on occasion. Being bitter and angry was the only thing I succeeded
at for quite a while.
As days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, months turned into years yet again, and I came to a realization....
Everyone enters and leaves our lives for a reason. I was indeed blessed to have my daughter for a short two and a half months. I would have rather had
her in my life for that time, than to have never had her at all.
As Garth Brooks said... I could have missed the pain, but I’d had to miss The Dance.
There are many things in life that this holds true to. There is no handprint so small that it doesn’t leave an impression on the world.
on 7/9/2012 by Kangaruex4Ewe because: (no reason given)
That really hurt. I feel for you more than you can imagine.
When our third child was born, her father would constantly say "Life would be so easy without you". He continued this until some point in her third
year, at which time I made it abundantly clear that he would never utter those words again and see the next sunrise.
She's soon 17 and is a ray of sunshine in every day. Yet somehow I never take her presence for granted, not for a moment. She my youngest but she's
always been her own person, even from the very beginning.
She didn't leave because of your initial sentiments. Have you considered that you knew this would happen, right from the beginning? Is it possible
that she came to teach you something valuable about yourself, but that this was only a sort of "practice run" for her? Our incarnation isn't always
an easy task.
I loved your story. It was well and concisely written. Nice work. Obviously starred and flagged.
edit on 9/7/2012 by CosmicEgg because:
small stylistic edit. :/
She is extremely lucky to have you. Truly. Those are awful things to say to a child.
Thanks so much for your comments. I have often thought that I somehow knew that something was going to happen. My first born had never been sick a
day in her life, and I recall thinking that you can't win the lottery twice on more than a few occasions. It took a long time before I could talk
about her an smile, and like you...I know she had a purpose. I may not fully understand it at this point, but I think I will eventually figure it out.
Thank you again for your kind comments. They do mean something to me.
Beautifully written. The amount of courage it would have taken to write, words just couldn't express.
It continues to amaze me to see the true strength of my fellow members.
Thank you Templar. I have been reading all the other entries as well and many have left me in awe of the sheer strength it must have taken to
write...let alone hit the post button. Everyone has gone above and beyond on this one for sure.
I know your pain all too well. For me, it was my first Son at 10 days short of 4 months. I lost my Son and my Wife could not handle it and we split up
as I reminded her too much of our Son. In a 4 day period I lost my Son, my Wife, and my Home. At least I still had a job and dove into it to relieve
the pain. Things got better and a new Family was formed but the pain of the loss of my Son and the fear of it happening again are embedded into my
soul. I feel for you Dear Lady and know you are not alone.
I was hoping not to bring up bad memories for anyone here. I am sorry if I did that for you. It's a terrible thing, and I am sorry you or anyone else
ever has to know it. I wouldn't wish it on even the most evil among us truth be told. I KNOW how hard it is on a marriage. We went through hell and
grieved differently as most do. Having our oldest helped us pull through it together I think. But it took a long time. I am more sorry than you can
know, that you and your wife went through that. It is a hurt like no other on earth.
The fear of it happening again kept me from having another even though my husband would have been open to it. I would have never been able to sleep
again I think.
My U2U is open to you Agarta. Seriously. Any time of the day or night. Sometimes it is comforting knowing that you are not alone. So now we know that
we are not. Thank you for that.
edit on 7/19/2012 by Kangaruex4Ewe because: (no reason given)
Thank you for that but, please know that you nor anyone else can bring up those bad memories for me. I do that just fine all by myself lol. The thing
is if this had not happened to me when it did, I don't think I would be in the Loving Marriage I am in nor would my 2 daughters and my youngest(a boy)
even exist. It was hard having the Girls and sleepless nights, but the Boy terrified me. There should have been no difference but alas it was.
Although I feel pain in what I experienced, the Joy and Love within my Family now is amazing and I am blessed in knowing both sides of the coin and
understanding how precious and irreplaceable my children are to me.
Edit to add: The U2U goes both ways and anyone else that has gone through or is going through this situation and need to talk or just need someone to
listen(read) feel free to send a note.
edit on 20-7-2012 by Agarta because: (no reason given)
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