Need advice from a Woman!

Me and my girlfriend split up today.. she's pregnant with my baby. I won't get into how we split up its complicated but I will say it wasn't due to me being unfaithful or violent or anything. It was on good terms as far as I'm aware and it was a little while coming. I need some advice from females.

What can I do or not do to ensure that we have a healthy friendship and I get to see the kid without any negativity spilling out onto the child?

I'm scared she might try to stop me seeing the child to spite me? How can I ensure this doesn't happen?... I like to think I understand women well but they never cease to amaze me.

Any tips ladies?

Sue for custody, especially if you have a decent job and stable living conditions.

reply to post by Captain55


OMG. I just spit out my beer!!! That was sooooooo wrong!

As a woman, I'll try to help you, without making light of your situation.

But first, I need to know, how was your relationship? Was it fractious, with frequent fights, or was it all quiet and good, and then suddenly she up and leaves you?

How "connected" were you? Many men don't really connect with their partners on an emotional level, and the woman is left angry and feeling unloved and unfulfilled from a psychological standpoint. The men usually say they had no idea why the breakup occurred.

Men (in my experience, and I cannot speak for all men since I haven't met them all) tend to "compartmentalize" their life, and their girlfriend / wife is in one compartment, work in another, friends in another, ect. For women, it is all in one big pool.

Clue me in on some more details, and perhaps I can shed some light on how to make the best of this. I need to know what kind of person she is, and what kind of person you are, in terms of the relationship.

reply to post by TechUnique

Well I am a dude, but have had a few friends go thru this over the years, and the successful ones were able to put ALL differences aside for the sake of their child. Their breakup but ability to be friends actually strengthened their family relationship. Deciding to be friends and parents actually allowed them to function with better intent and communication. They were able to maintain a friendship that facilitated the other family members from both sides to stay involved with the child's life. It may sound easy, but it seems if a couple can set aside most things that create strife, they may actually find some freedom in their relationship, to create time and a healthy environment for the child.

Sorry to hear of any heartache, but maybe this is an opportunity for change for the better amongst you all. Keep your head up man, and make it a personal challenge to put child first. Of course this is coming from someone who has no children, so it may be more difficult than I can imagine, but still...best wishes.

Peace,
spec

reply to post by TechUnique


Not a female my friend, but I can tell you this, get an attorney for the child support fiasco, which will soon be coming, and treat that child as you would if you and her were still together! Always keep this in mind, your child has nothing to do with the issues that you have with his/her mother.

Originally posted by FissionSurplus
As a woman, I'll try to help you, without making light of your situation.

But first, I need to know, how was your relationship? Was it fractious, with frequent fights, or was it all quiet and good, and then suddenly she up and leaves you?

How "connected" were you? Many men don't really connect with their partners on an emotional level, and the woman is left angry and feeling unloved and unfulfilled from a psychological standpoint. The men usually say they had no idea why the breakup occurred.

Men (in my experience, and I cannot speak for all men since I haven't met them all) tend to "compartmentalize" their life, and their girlfriend / wife is in one compartment, work in another, friends in another, ect. For women, it is all in one big pool.

Clue me in on some more details, and perhaps I can shed some light on how to make the best of this. I need to know what kind of person she is, and what kind of person you are, in terms of the relationship.

It was more the opposite, I was always trying to reach out to her but she doesn't deal well with emotion and tends to bottle things up. She is quite guarded. I think we split up because I was pressuring her a bit too much on her feelings?

ETA: Oh and we rarely argued. I think we just don't suit each other to be honest. I did kind of see this coming :/ we are so different to each other in almost every aspect.

Forget it, you are screwed, she will use the kid as a weapon to milk all the money out of you she can get. Save yourself and try to prove it isn't yours.

Originally posted by Captain55
We can help and have an ear.

You really should trim those eyebrows.

To the OP, don't necessarily trust a woman on this, I will echo DM's advice and tell you to get an attorney.

Originally posted by cybro
Forget it, you are screwed, she will use the kid as a weapon to milk all the money out of you she can get. Save yourself and try to prove it isn't yours.

I don't see you having your own advice column in the future.....

Des

Without knowing the problem it is always hard to say. But if you want to get to a woman's heart, money generally works pretty well. Calling yourself a socialist reformist has 'Loser' spelt all over it. Go get a trade and when the money starts coming in she will be sucking up calling you sweet names in no time. With child support the way it is, it could still be tough as she still gets your money without seeing you, but if you out bid what the courts decide you still might have a chance. There are lots of sad stories around, heads up.

Originally posted by seeker1963
reply to post by TechUnique

 

Not a female my friend, but I can tell you this, get an attorney for the child support fiasco, which will soon be coming, and treat that child as you would if you and her were still together! Always keep this in mind, your child has nothing to do with the issues that you have with his/her mother.

Good advice, but it doesn't go far enough. Sue for full custody. If you win she loses much of her power, which gives you a much better chance for a balanced relationship. Don't believe her or trust her.

Could your breakup be because of hormonal mood swings? Maybe you'll get back together. I can't stress enough how important it is for the mother to have a supportive father around for a new baby.

Don't jump the gun and start imagining all the bad things that can happen to separate you and your child. Convince her you want to be around as a dad. Even if she's threatening now, when the baby comes she will need you, and be glad that you hung around. It may just strengthen your relationship more than you could imagine.

Child support will probably be the main issue between the two of you. Remember, you two are over, it's all about your *shared* child now. I would suggest you figure out what your income is, google your State's child support online calculator and see what your State's requirements are. Pay that if you can. It will weigh big time in your favor, should you end up in court over support.

Remember...your child first.

Good Luck Dear...sorry you are going through this.

Des

reply to post by TechUnique


Okay....she has issues, and y'all were a poor fit together. You will never get the real reason out of her why she is running away, and chances are, she doesn't really know herself.

If she doesn't work with you on joint custody, and pretends like it's her baby only and you have no say in the matter, I'm afraid I'm going to have to side with the male posters on this and say that you'll have to protect yourself by lining up an attorney and learning how the law works in your country concerning a father's rights when the mother is uncooperative.

Best of luck to you, and perhaps with the next girlfriend, aggressively pursue birth control. Too many women get knocked up like an animal without really thinking ahead about what that means or the responsibility it entails.

I'm a dude too
How far cooked is she? I'm tellin you they get completely mad stinking bonkers while they're pregnant. and afterwards too.

Some good advice in this thread alredy so all I'm going to add is this.

Is it over between you?
If yes then for the sake of the child go see a lawyer. If you dont I can assure you you'll be doing it later. Go see a lawyer and make sure you both understand your rights of access to the child. Its the child that will suffer if you dont, do it now!

You need to talk nicely and civil like. It doesn't have anything to do with the 2 of you and how you feel about it...it's about that kid knowing both parent love and care for him/her. To argue and withhold a child from one parent is flat out abuse (at least when the parent is capable and willing) beg if you must, but the kiddo NEEDS both of you. I don't understand why some people hate their ex so much they take it out on the kids to get to said ex. Happens all the time. Remember no name calling, accusing ect. It's really not about you at all...It's about the kid