It looks like you're using an Ad Blocker.

Please white-list or disable AboveTopSecret.com in your ad-blocking tool.

Thank you.

 

Some features of ATS will be disabled while you continue to use an ad-blocker.

 

Just something I wrote for a girl

page: 1
2

log in

join
share:

posted on Jul, 1 2012 @ 08:04 AM
link   
First of all I'd like to say I'm not entirely sure if this is the right forum for posting this, so sorry if it isn't. Secondly, I should let you know that English is not my first language so this is one other reason I decided to come to ATS with it, so you can "grammar Nazi" me (please, do). This is just something I wrote for a girl called Jessica, but honestly this is only a coincidence, I didn't write it because of her, I did it for me, because I enjoy writing and in this case specifically I was inspired by a poem from William Ernest Henley. In short I would just like a few opinions and suggestions maybe, and someone to "grammar Nazi" it all the way. Thanks in advance.


Never Gone

It hasn't been long since the last time,
the time of times, when I first drew a line off my thoughts.
I was caught in a blaze,
a firestorm I couldn't understand.
I was being led: elsewhere; driven away...
In a blink I was somewhere else,
a big, black hole;
a vast, dry desert,
and a small, but fluent oasis I could never reach.
Within my eyes, the desire to walk; my heart pumping ahead,
but I could not go.
A wait that lasted for ages, time was just a second
and my mind screamed in pain.
No wind or spiteful fellow to lie to me. I was alone,
the skies were red and the sun burned my skin,
but I was never, never gone,
waiting for something, someone ahead,
that would certainly send me home.
edit on 1-7-2012 by kromaion because: (no reason given)




posted on Jul, 1 2012 @ 08:09 AM
link   
reply to post by kromaion
 


First love?

Yeah, getting blow out sucks. But look at it this way. as long as you're getting blown in some fashion. it's all good!!

Numbers of probability are in your favour, so stick with it.



posted on Jul, 1 2012 @ 08:13 AM
link   
reply to post by kromaion
 


Actually, your english is quite good. There are a few suggestions but I will wait on those. Tell me more about this Jessica girl.



posted on Jul, 1 2012 @ 08:16 AM
link   

Originally posted by JakiusFogg
reply to post by kromaion
 


First love?

Yeah, getting blow out sucks. But look at it this way. as long as you're getting blown in some fashion. it's all good!!

Numbers of probability are in your favour, so stick with it.


Haha I'm 25, arguably this isn't my first love, but who knows?



posted on Jul, 1 2012 @ 08:17 AM
link   

Originally posted by texasgirl
reply to post by kromaion
 


Actually, your english is quite good. There are a few suggestions but I will wait on those. Tell me more about this Jessica girl.


Thank you, sir. This Jessica girl is someone I barely know, but somehow inspired me to do this, I have no idea why or how.



posted on Jul, 1 2012 @ 08:24 AM
link   
Yep you never know. OK I studied poetry so we're gonna break this down see if we can;t find out why you are writing things about a girl you don't know! 'k I'LL BE BACK!! said Arnie to the nun!



posted on Jul, 1 2012 @ 08:35 AM
link   
OK here we go.

It hasn't been long since the last time,
the time of times, when I first drew a line off my thoughts.
I was caught in a blaze,
a firestorm I couldn't understand.

The effect of shock and realization that caused you to “burn” metaphorically. But you don’t understand
Question: What was the thought that made you burn. Assumption the girl. Reason Unexplained chemistry. It happens!

I was being led: elsewhere; driven away...
In a blink I was somewhere else,
a big, black hole;
a vast, dry desert,
and a small, but fluent oasis I could never reach.

Circumstances taking you away from this chance encounter, but not totally out of sight. But you;’re feeling empty dry, in a wasteland You’re still burning remember and so wish to “quench” the flames in her “Oasis”
Fluent?? Should that be Fluid?

Within my eyes, the desire to walk; my heart pumping ahead,
but I could not go.
A wait that lasted for ages, time was just a second
and my mind screamed in pain.

So time has stood still yet you seem apart from it. You are desperate to advance. For the clock to start. This suggests you are waiting for an opportunity that is known to you. But you’re impatience is affecting you perception of time. RELAX HOMBRE!!

No wind or spiteful fellow to lie to me. I was alone,
the skies were red and the sun burned my skin,
but I was never, never gone,
waiting for something, someone ahead,
that would certainly send me home.

This simply validates the position of couplets 2 and 3. (technically they are not couplets, but whatever)

Honestly its very standard stuck in the rut of perceived circumstance looking for, nay waiting for the opportunity. From this, the only advice I can give. Is get up, have shave, and put your workd into action. Remember chemistry is a two way thing. If your reaction was to burn, who is to say that she is not also. Writing poetry into her diary. But if not. What have you to lose??? Pride??? Don’t worry my friend, best you risk your pride now, for something of value, before cynicism of the world beats it from you. You work reminds me of Robert Frost.



posted on Jul, 1 2012 @ 08:52 AM
link   
dude are you gay?



posted on Jul, 1 2012 @ 08:53 AM
link   
reply to post by kromaion
 
...I wish I was young again




posted on Jul, 1 2012 @ 08:58 AM
link   
reply to post by yyzyyz123
 


Its called having a romantic soul and appreciation of culture. it is evidence of an intelligent mind. whereas "are you gay?" is evidence of a complete moron.



posted on Jul, 1 2012 @ 09:04 AM
link   

Originally posted by yyzyyz123
dude are you gay?


Hey now, that was uncalled for.

I'm a girl and would love to get a poem from a guy!!



posted on Jul, 2 2012 @ 04:32 PM
link   

Originally posted by JakiusFogg
OK here we go.

It hasn't been long since the last time,
the time of times, when I first drew a line off my thoughts.
I was caught in a blaze,
a firestorm I couldn't understand.

The effect of shock and realization that caused you to “burn” metaphorically. But you don’t understand
Question: What was the thought that made you burn. Assumption the girl. Reason Unexplained chemistry. It happens!

I was being led: elsewhere; driven away...
In a blink I was somewhere else,
a big, black hole;
a vast, dry desert,
and a small, but fluent oasis I could never reach.

Circumstances taking you away from this chance encounter, but not totally out of sight. But you;’re feeling empty dry, in a wasteland You’re still burning remember and so wish to “quench” the flames in her “Oasis”
Fluent?? Should that be Fluid?

Within my eyes, the desire to walk; my heart pumping ahead,
but I could not go.
A wait that lasted for ages, time was just a second
and my mind screamed in pain.

So time has stood still yet you seem apart from it. You are desperate to advance. For the clock to start. This suggests you are waiting for an opportunity that is known to you. But you’re impatience is affecting you perception of time. RELAX HOMBRE!!

No wind or spiteful fellow to lie to me. I was alone,
the skies were red and the sun burned my skin,
but I was never, never gone,
waiting for something, someone ahead,
that would certainly send me home.

This simply validates the position of couplets 2 and 3. (technically they are not couplets, but whatever)

Honestly its very standard stuck in the rut of perceived circumstance looking for, nay waiting for the opportunity. From this, the only advice I can give. Is get up, have shave, and put your workd into action. Remember chemistry is a two way thing. If your reaction was to burn, who is to say that she is not also. Writing poetry into her diary. But if not. What have you to lose??? Pride??? Don’t worry my friend, best you risk your pride now, for something of value, before cynicism of the world beats it from you. You work reminds me of Robert Frost.


Hey, thank you very much for this, I really appreciate! And thanks for the advice as well.



posted on Jul, 2 2012 @ 04:34 PM
link   

Originally posted by yyzyyz123
dude are you gay?


Hahaha lol that made my laugh for a few minutes, I love random comments! And no I'm not gay.



posted on Jul, 2 2012 @ 04:35 PM
link   

Originally posted by texasgirl

Originally posted by yyzyyz123
dude are you gay?


Hey now, that was uncalled for.

I'm a girl and would love to get a poem from a guy!!


Funny thing is that my last relationship started and ended because of a poem.



new topics

top topics



 
2

log in

join