A Quick Untitled Poem

I put this here because there is no forum for poetry. Hope you like it.

Every time I see you around
I just want to jump high off the ground
When you have something to say
The only thing that comes out are clichés

The sun has risen yet again
But you are stuck in your gin
Philosophy’s nowhere to be found
Not a word not a single sound

Come on baby, do some exercise
Don’t just sit there with your sighs
Freely think of things to say
You don’t have feel like you’re on Broadway

It’s time to look around
Think of all the words abound
One single phrase will get the ball rolling
Soon you’ll know at what to be aiming

Don’t think that it’s a sin
To not be stuck there in your gin
It’s a big wide world that wants to be seen
It’s not robotic like a machine

There are words stuck in your mind
You don’t have to get yourself in a bind
There’s more that one way to skin a cat
Another cliché pushed under the doormat

The sun has risen yet again
And you’re still stuck here in your gin
I know that’s who you are
So I’ll just sit here listening to the guitar

I'd offer some comments and constructive criticism as I am a published poet myself. The last time I did that on ATS I got attacked by the OP

Here's a quick one. Don't rhyme! Rhyming is outdated and forces you to limit your word choice. Instead, focus on conveying provocative feelings by appealing to the readers' senses. Use concrete descriptions and the message will come out.

What does the gin smell like? What does it feel like to be on Broadway? In what way is a machine robot-like and how is that similar to a human condition? What kind of style guitar are we talking about? Flamenco? Country-western? Van Halen? Use metaphors too.

See how rhyming severely limits poetry? But I did learn from a very modernist poetry teacher. I am thrilled that people like to write poetry in any form. It is cathartic. So, I'm only trying to help. I'm not trying to knock down anybody's words and feelings and creativity.

Okay, attack now. I'm ready.

reply to post by NarcolepticBuddha


I'm a published poet too.

There's really nothing wrong with rhyming. It's also a challenge to make a point with a rhyme just as much as it is to make a point without it.

I swing both ways as the mood hits me. Sometimes I'll rhyme part of the time, sometimes I won't.

In fact, there have been some very successful rhymes turned into some very successful songs. Here's one as one example:



So you really can't tell me there is no place to make a rhyme and that it can't be profitable.

reply to post by NarcolepticBuddha


I agree with him. While the poem is very good, the rhyming seems very limiting.

not to say I hate yours, but in general I do not like rhyming poems I find myself reading the word and then instead of focusing on the rest of the light I am wondering what will rhyme with it. That could just be a personal problem of mine but other then that I agree with the post NB made.

Keep on writing

reply to post by EvilSadamClone


Yeah, rhymes are great in songs. Usually because the lyrics are very weak and rhyming spruces it up. The reason why rhyming works in songs, but not in poetry (at least not in the last 50-60 years) is because of dramatic, emotional music that substitutes for the power of language.

I actually liked where your poem started. To me, it feels like looking at a first draft though. There is more to be said, I think. And like the other poster said, rhymes are too distracting. We end up ignoring most of the poem just to pay attention to the end-of-the-line rhyme scheme.

Poetry is music without the music, thus the poetic language must carry all the weight because music is not there to help it. Poetry and music-accompanied lyrics are apples and oranges.

Oh, I agree that musical lyrics can be very moving. But have you ever read them off a piece of paper without the music? Pretty unimpressive stuff most of the time.

Remember, I was going for constructive criticism. I have had this conversation scores of times in poetry groups in college. It always ends the same way haha