Advice Needed: I'm too nice for my own good.

I talk a big talk online, Had a few run in's with other members but never resorted to name calling or bully tactics and i try hard to respect the many different types of people here on ATS.

My problem is I'm too nice for my own good, When i was young i was the fat kid in school, I had a few friends but they were the Odd one's if you get my meaning, Because of the bullying i tended to be very quiet and not involve myself in foul mouthed conversation with others, I went through all of education like this.

However now I'm a big guy, No longer considered fat but pretty muscular but I'm still quiet and try to avoid confrontation still, I've managed to do pretty well through the years and made a lot of great friends as I've really become myself now i have shed the pounds but i seem to have run into difficulty.

I work as a kitchen porter in a nice little restaurant/Pub in the countryside in England, I like it here and live in to work but i have a Boss who constantly shouts and lectures me over the most minor of things and he has finally pushed me to the edge but i can't bring myself to square up to him, i suppose I'm more mouse than man, Just a nice guy trying to get by in an Angry world.

When i am confronted i just freeze, Murmur apology's and continue with my work, I want to leave this place but i can't bring myself to resign, I feel like I'll be letting the other staff down.

It's a good job and it pays well but i can't go on, My blood pressure has rocketed and i feel so stressed i literally don't know what to do anymore.

If anyone could offer me some advice in any form it would be great

Thanks for reading;

Ted

Well, Ted, I think you might want to consider leaving. If you have a good work ethic, you oght to be able to get a similar job anywhere, including the "Nag's Head" down the street. Your own health has to be your priority and you are not responsible for everyone else. You won't be letting them down; they can fend for themselves. If you quit for a better job that's probably better than getting into a confrontation and getting fired.

The only other thing I can see is if the boss yells at other people as well. If that's true perhaps you could cause an "intervention" where several of you speak to him at once. If he's the owner that's as far as it can go, but if he isn't, you could always threaten to go around him and state your case to his boss.

Good luck.

You need to realise your self worth and stand up for yourself in a calm, proffesional way terrifying as it may seem to you. if you dont i fear it will damage your confidence and knock you back into your past.
you may find it better to have another job inline as when you do stand up for yourself, i think after you would feel uncomfortable.

you have friends and family and dont have to put up with anything you dont want to (unless its government)

plus i dont want to open 'The Sun' next week and see a headline about a employee murdered their boss

I'm too nice for my own good.

Don't let it get you down.

It always happens.

I take the attitudes with a grain of salt.

Actually I had a boss like that some years ago and in a restaurant as well. One day he was harrassing me about something and I basically got pissed off at him and told him off. He seemed impressed and actually our interactions were quite a bit better after that. somtimes it's good to fight for your rights. I have tendencies towards niceness and avoiding confrontations myself.

Your non-confrontational actions have more value than you give it right now.

As for the job, I think thats a more personal matter because you know more about the situation than us.

Do you think you could take the shouts and lectures lightly? Listen to what the boss said but dont let it raise your stress. Dont let it get to your head.

reply to post by danielsil18


I try to block it out yes, But the frequency of the belittlement has become a concern

reply to post by TedHodgson


I think you can stand up for yourself in a respectable way.

Maybe you could find or arrange a time to talk to your boss privately, and tell him that you would appreciate if he addressed his concerns with your work with a little more professionalism.

Maybe he gets stressed out, and has a lot of responsibility on his shoulders, and you can make him aware that you understand that, but that it would be to everyone's benefit, and better work moral if he dealt with issues more calmly.

I think he would respect you for speaking out calmly and honestly, and if he doesn't, maybe you need to look elsewhere for work, or just realize some people are not really cut out for management, and don't take it personally.

I wish you all the best, and whatever you decide to do, its important that you don't let bosses like him get to you.

I get what you're saying. There are many different ways to improve your confidence publicly. The main idea is to put yourself in uncomfortable situations that are somewhat controlled. The most effective way to boost your confidence is maybe to take a mixed martial arts class in your off time. As you say you are athletic or muscular, you should have no problem adapting to the environment. If you go this rout you should do your research before committing to one school or another. Many of these schools have hierarchy issues, and you will find yourself dealing with a lot of politics instead of learning a craft. The idea is not to be violent, but rather feeling comfortable with a situation that may become violent. It will help you with confidence dealing with tense situations because you have a level of control that you currently may feel you don't have.Another rout would be to put yourself in public speaking situations, there are many different ways to achieve this. Some people just have an issue dealing with speaking confidently in public. You can take a class at a local school, or just put yourself out there in large crowds.I'm not claiming you have an issue one way or another. The key is to find that moment of tension and what triggers it. Once you find what is triggering it, work on that feeling of anxiety. The only way to overcome a fear is to put yourself in that type of situation over and over again until it becomes a natural situation you deal with. Human nature is to avoid what we fear.I hope this helps.

reply to post by TedHodgson


So if I understand correctly you live and work there ?
I can see that that would complicate matters , is your boss the owner ?
If not then if its really getting you down speak with the owner of the business and explain the situation , you have rights as an employee and should be treated with respect .

If your boss is the owner then start saving for a rental bond and look for alternative employment , it may seem daunting but your happiness outweighs all other considerations plus it will give you a light at the end of the tunnel .

I hope you find a satisfactory resolution , be strong

reply to post by gortex


Yep, unfortunately my boss is the Owner Gortex

He has been here many years and managed to alienate most of the nearby village from attending social gatherings and supping beer on his premises, Apparently he is not popular according to the locals.

The Head chef who i work under is my Real boss and finds no problem with my work however he is not the manager....

reply to post by WhisperingWinds


I think you are right, Thanks for the reply

Originally posted by TedHodgson
reply to post by gortex

 

Yep, unfortunately my boss is the Owner Gortex

He has been here many years and managed to alienate most of the nearby village from attending social gatherings and supping beer on his premises, Apparently he is not popular according to the locals.

The Head chef who i work under is my Real boss and finds no problem with my work however he is not the manager....

It sounds like this man has some personality issues, and you need to try to not let them affect you. If you love the job, or need it, just try to laugh it off on the inside, and realize how miserable he must be.

Train your brain and your heart to have pity on him, and be grateful that you aren't that way. That may help in letting it run off your back.

Just ideas, if you want to stay, and he won't listen to you talk to him calmly about it.

Good luck.

I have had a few bosses such as yours. You try to do your job well, you don't make any waves, you are always polite and considerate, and yet these power-drunk pinheads insist on treating you poorly. Some bosses are just bullies who managed to get in a position where they can boss people around, and they get off on it.

The other posters have some good advice....If he continues to treat you in such a manner, you can maybe sit down and talk to him calmly and tell him that his badgering and riding your back is making you feel like there is a problem. He owes it to you to let you know if your performance is not up to par. If he denies it and acts like you're just a whiner, time to look for another job.

Your health is the most important thing, definitely not worth ruining it over some job because some bully with a big mouth is getting off on picking on you.

Best of luck!

reply to post by TedHodgson


So you know that the problem is not with you , if he's the owner of a restaurant and he's alienated the locals then he sounds like a bit of an arse , time to consider your future mate and make plans for life away from there .

Just making the decision will help you and give you something to work towards

reply to post by gortex


I thought the same, However I'm at a bit of a loss at the moment, Taking driving lessons and it's hard to find work anywhere in my area really (I'm about 30 mins away from home at the place i work) just trying to decide whether it's worth sticking it out till i start driving or leaving now and having bugger all to do except go the Gym and take trips to the pub

Thanks for the advice anyway mate, It's appreciated.