The day I tried to live....

This is directed at nobody. I need a place to vent this emptiness, whether anyone reads this or not. I've not been with many women, and the ones I have been with ran away whenever I expressed the depth of my feelings to them. I came to have a great distrust in women, I didnt believe they could have the heart to experience the depth of the emotion I would feel. I still had one crazy hope that one day I would find that one special lady who would be compatitable, who would have the same love for music and the heart to share something deep with.

The other day, I met her. She was a folk princess with a voice sweet enough to melt my steel heart. I nervously babbled and asked her for her number... Soon after she called me, talked for a long time about herself and all she had done, and already, I could see the danger, but I was in awe. I had so much admiration for what she had achieved and thought that maybe she could share it with me. I was invited to her place for wine and 'mother natures own' smoke.... I brought a bottle of whiskey with me just in case. I couldnt believe this was happening to me, I began to think way ahead of the situation and I knew then, I was already 'in love'... Something I had sworn against, an illusion, a biochemical mind #... Yet, I thought, to hell with it. I know this is an illusion, it will implode in on itself and I will get hurt, but I will charge whole-heartedly into the fire. I arrived at her place, we took several strong drinks, had a smoke... We talked, about this and that, played songs together... she drew closer, but I was afraid. I'm awkward at the best of times, but I was really hopelessly floundering now.

We kissed.... I tried to explain my awkwardness, and drown it with several more drinks. Told me at some point she didnt want a serious relationship, and that she wished to remain alone for her stay in this place... This caused me some confusion and I realised then my worst fears were confirmed. However, I just tried to enjoy the moment and told myself that there is still plenty of time for her to change her mind, and that what we had in this moment was worth savouring... she came on very strongly, I had to hold her back and excuse myself to drink more wine... I was petrified.

Eventually, I had enough to drink that I found the courage to spill my guts. I told her how I felt, how I had waited and given up hope of ever meeting someone like her. I told her all that I could about myself, my darkest sides, my shortcomings. I thought we shared a special understanding.... We made love there on the floor by the heat of the fire, and afterwards spent the night entwined in each others arms until the morning. I didnt sleep a wink, I layed awake and held this princess, knowing deep down, this would be the last time... When daylight did appear, we had coffee and a cigarette together... Something was awkward... I regretted nothing, she seemed to regret quite a lot... We kissed and parted, and she promised to meet me again tomorrow...

On my way home, I got the text message... She's not ready for something like this, but I'm a great guy, blah blah freaking blah.... 'I hope that we can still be good friends, lets talk soon'.... I've heard it all before. Being the damaged specimen I am, I'm too selfish to be her friend and to put my feelings and desire aside. Just as could be forseen, it now is. I feel scorned, I feel hurt and betrayed that she would lead me on after I had revealed myself to her, and worse still that it was via a text message. As much as it would have hurt, face to face would have been much more appropriate. I see my wrong doing, I see that my expectations created the problem, I see that most men can handle casual sex, and I see that she did warn me. I warned myself too, but I dared to dream. I do not blame her free spirit, it is my inadequacy that caused me to suffer. She is capable of giving love then moving on, I am not. And yet, she is also unworthy of me, as I have the courage to plunge straight into the deep end and not look back. "you're right from your side, and I'm right from mine, we're both just one too many mornings and a thousand miles behind..." If you're still reading this load of rubbish, I'll leave with one of the greatest songs I know. A masterpiece about unrequited love.

www.youtube.com...

reply to post by Tasmanaut


Great story Bro!
A heartbreaker for sure, but like the old saying goes....
If you fall off the horse, get back up on her sister!!
And like Diana said, but I prefer Phil's version....

Don't push, it'll happen when it wants to.

Don't give up:


www.youtube.com...

No troll would spend the time to write that, so I continued to read.

Now, I think she would have felt what you felt if you were what she wanted. Sounds pretty harsh, but c'est la vie. I personally think you complicated things and committed your feelings further by using substances and involving sex, but there is no point in beating you over the head with that.

There will be someone to want you as bad as you want them. Well, happened to me, and there are plenty of happy couples out there, so I think it must be pretty common. Thing about there being 1 is that hundreds aren't, so don't be discouraged.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Thomas A. Edison

I'm a lot like you but if there is one thing I've learned it's that you can't rush it. They need to learn parts of you slowly but surely not instantly on a drunken night, that's heavy. Imagine grabbing a handful of sand at the beach, if you squeeze it too tight it will leave your hand in the same way as if you hold it too loosely, you have to hold it just the right amount.

I've fallen victim to the same scenario you explained too many times tho so I haven't learned how to do it right either. It seems you and I will be stuck feeling like this:


S&F because I can relate all too well and you took the time to explain it in an interesting and properly formatted manner.

reply to post by Tasmanaut


Ok, since no one else will say it..
First of all man, youre trying way to hard. You dont profess your love and spill your guts to someone youve just met.
What you experienced wasnt love, it was infatuation, im surprised that she didnt suddenly develop a "headache" and asked you to leave.
Im not trying to be mean, just giving my honest opinion.

Originally posted by MeesterB
No troll would spend the time to write that, so I continued to read.

Now, I think she would have felt what you felt if you were what she wanted. Sounds pretty harsh, but c'est la vie. I personally think you complicated things and committed your feelings further by using substances and involving sex, but there is no point in beating you over the head with that.

There will be someone to want you as bad as you want them. Well, happened to me, and there are plenty of happy couples out there, so I think it must be pretty common. Thing about there being 1 is that hundreds aren't, so don't be discouraged.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Thomas A. Edison

you are 100% correct. It was an extreme situation and I went over the top... the substances didnt help but without them I never would have had the courage... I'm an awkward aspergers persons, thats just how I operate... The same thing has happened to me every other time before when I've been with women, you would have thought I would have learned by now, but quite frankly, to hell with it, I'm an intense person, I only have 2 modes, not talking or deep and meaningful. I was crazy enough to think she could handle that. I'm sure I'll look back on this and eventually come to understand her point of view. I will find peace with this. As for not giving up, I think its perhaps best I did. Persuing a situation like this has gotten me in very embarassing and painful situations before. At least I had the honour of her evening

reply to post by Juggernog


maybe I'm broken, but thats all I've ever known of love. Thats how it happens for me, and yes, I'm damaged like that

reply to post by Tasmanaut


Hey, im sorry if that came out to harsh, wasnt trying to make light of your situation.
Maybe im a little biased against love and marriage now.
10 years of marriage but only about 3 years of happiness, the result was 2 years of hell in divorce court.
I want no part of it

Originally posted by Juggernog
reply to post by Tasmanaut

 

Ok, since no one else will say it..
First of all man, youre trying way to hard. You dont profess your love and spill your guts to someone youve just met.
What you experienced wasnt love, it was infatuation, im surprised that she didnt suddenly develop a "headache" and asked you to leave.
Im not trying to be mean, just giving my honest opinion.

I was trying to that say that in a nicer way as I haven't mastered my delivery of emotions and will overflow sometimes myself.

Since you said it, I'll elaborate. Not to be mean but in this particular case I think it's safe to assume that the girl may have questioned whether you had an obsessive disorder or would become a future stalker because you professed everything in a single night without really knowing her(infatuation).

Usually people gradually reveal portions of themselves pieces at a time to get a feel for each other and it grows sequentially based on whether or not mutual understanding occurs(think of a pyramid). The long frustrating process of dating may seem annoying but it serves a purpose. Example: I couldn't explain my iphone to someone from the 1500s in one night.

no, you were not harsh, just stating the blantantly obvious. Yeah, I'm done with it. I have been done with it for a while now, this romance thing, I thought I saw it for what it was. But it's freezing cold winter here, Its cold and lonely, and it had been just long enough that I had forgotten what it was like and thought perhaps maybe I was completely wrong... But I wasnt :p its all a good bit of fun if you can keep your cool, but like chasing a rainbow, it can never be real


I will add one more thing, I never told her that I loved her and thats not something I'll ever say again, to be honest I know that it would also be untrue. I did feel something. I never asked her to be with me or commit to anything. Perhaps it was strongly implied... I thought perhaps we could continue to see each other, enjoy the time and simply not label it with any kind of relationship, but I think she misunderstood me and thought I was asking for more than I really was. Either way, It was a magical evening... When I wasnt vomitting :p I recommend everyone try it once, to see what all the fuss is about

Maybe you might be in love with the idea of love. If that makes sense to you. You seem to be rushing too far head & not enjoying the here and now. Why the hurry for love? I don't understand. Enjoy the freedom of not being tired down. Get to know someone slowly. Make sure it's the person you really want to spend your life with

My husband & I spent 8yrs dating & living together before marriage ( & I'm still not sure somedays ;/ . Hold something's back, no need to tell someone everything in one day. What will you talk about for the rest of your times together. Don't dis trust every women you meet, it will happen when you least expect it. Good luck

Originally posted by Tasmanaut
no, you were not harsh, just stating the blantantly obvious. Yeah, I'm done with it. I have been done with it for a while now, this romance thing, I thought I saw it for what it was. But it's freezing cold winter here, Its cold and lonely, and it had been just long enough that I had forgotten what it was like and thought perhaps maybe I was completely wrong... But I wasnt :p its all a good bit of fun if you can keep your cool, but like chasing a rainbow, it can never be real

You're giving into your depression rather than working to change things. You're not just "damaged" end of story. You can work on it, the problem you're facing is that you're expecting instant gratification and you're not willing to put in the work it takes to really get to know someone. You're playing the victim card like a violin rather than taking the sticks and conducting the whole orchestra that is your life. You can do it, you just have to stop thinking you're trying and failing and realize you're not trying and change it. You're conning yourself rather than working on yourself.

Originally posted by feelingconnected
Maybe you might be in love with the idea of love. If that makes sense to you. You seem to be rushing too far head & not enjoying the here and now. Why the hurry for love? I don't understand. Enjoy the freedom of not being tired down. Get to know someone slowly. Make sure it's the person you really want to spend your life with

My husband & I spent 8yrs dating & living together before marriage ( & I'm still not sure somedays ;/ . Hold something's back, no need to tell someone everything in one day. What will you talk about for the rest of your times together. Don't dis trust every women you meet, it will happen when you least expect it. Good luck

you are correct, that is exactly it. I knew that I should have stayed in the moment and enjoyed it, partly I was able too, it was a good experience

Originally posted by Epirus
You're giving into your depression rather than working to change things. You're not just "damaged" end of story. You can work on it, the problem you're facing is that you're expecting instant gratification and you're not willing to put in the work it takes to really get to know someone. You're playing the victim card like a violin rather than taking the sticks and conducting the whole orchestra that is your life. You can do it, you just have to stop thinking you're trying and failing and realize you're not trying and change it. You're conning yourself rather than working on yourself.

edit on 8-6-2012 by Epirus because: (no reason given)

Hats off to you, you've sussed it out. Yes, this is what I tend to do... nailed the part about expecting instant gratification... had this problem all through high school and the councelor would always say that too me. Yes, I play the victim to get attention and have people feel sorry for me... But really, who cares, its the internet, this isn't my real name and no one has to care if they cant be bothered. Just throwing it out there to make myself feel better, connect with someone



she was only here for a few months and then moving away, I felt the pressure of time, it was a now or never kind of deal in my mind. Given enough time and the right circumstances, things could have been different. You've just got to go crazy sometimes and throw it all on the line, the reward for doing so great... or so my reasoning went


I see how my massive dumping or unloading of everything all at once is rather insane and frightening I suppose... I've had problems 'stalking' someone in the past... nothing nasty or ill intentioned, but it did cause quite a problem. The only way its going to work for me as far as a partner goes is if they are the same, and just open up instantly, or else I will end up ruining it with my lack of patience and obsessive weirdness. I just thought perhaps she could be the same, again thats my own delusion. I will say, I have a best friend who's a guy, my true blood brother, and we share a great love. Not of the romantic kind, but the deepest bond I've experienced. We met and instantly opened up and trusted each other, so I know that it is possible for this to happen and for it not to be weird or rushed. I believe thats only way it can be in order to be trully magical

Originally posted by Tasmanaut

Originally posted by Epirus
You're giving into your depression rather than working to change things. You're not just "damaged" end of story. You can work on it, the problem you're facing is that you're expecting instant gratification and you're not willing to put in the work it takes to really get to know someone. You're playing the victim card like a violin rather than taking the sticks and conducting the whole orchestra that is your life. You can do it, you just have to stop thinking you're trying and failing and realize you're not trying and change it. You're conning yourself rather than working on yourself.

edit on 8-6-2012 by Epirus because: (no reason given)

Hats off to you, you've sussed it out. Yes, this is what I tend to do... nailed the part about expecting instant gratification... had this problem all through high school and the councelor would always say that too me. Yes, I play the victim to get attention and have people feel sorry for me... But really, who cares, its the internet, this isn't my real name and no one has to care if they cant be bothered. Just throwing it out there to make myself feel better, connect with someone



she was only here for a few months and then moving away, I felt the pressure of time, it was a now or never kind of deal in my mind. Given enough time and the right circumstances, things could have been different. You've just got to go crazy sometimes and throw it all on the line, the reward for doing so great... or so my reasoning went

edit on 8-6-2012 by Tasmanaut because: (no reason given)

I wasn't attacking or judging, I was only saying what it was. You know what you need to do to change your circumstance as much as I do for myself. I was just trying to make it clear in case you didn't know but apparently you know yourself quite well. So you were just posting here to vent, not to look for any advice...gotcha.

reply to post by Tasmanaut


It maybe a good idea to try and work on slowing your mind, I realize this is probably hard as you said. Step by step . If you/ when you meet someone keep it casual. Even play it hard to get haha. most people IMO don't find love at first sight, even second, 3rd of 4th. A mysterious man, that doesn't give much up at first is interesting to a lot of women. We all do a little game playing at the beginning. It's a game. Love comes next.

Epirus, its all good, and yeah, I'm just here to vent at random strangers... Its early afternoon, havent slept all night and just got back from her place so I was feeling a little needy. As far as the revealing myself slowly thing, I should have asked for advice before I went there! Thats a good idea, to play the mysterious stranger, it may have worked. On the other hand, I'm not much good at acting or playing games, though I know thats how its supposed to work. All good advice but its too late now kind of thing, she saw the sloppiest, ugliest part of me possible :p here's some Leonard Cohen that I think relates very well, again it may seem extreme but It's not necessarily as serious and intense as I'm perhaps making it out to be (much of what I said to her could have been interpreted as very serious when I perhaps wasn't meaning to be as literal or serious as it sounded)

Suddenly the night has grown colder.
The god of love preparing to depart.
Alexandra hoisted on his shoulder,
They slip between the sentries of the heart.

Upheld by the simplicities of pleasure,
They gain the light, they formlessly entwine
And radiant beyond your widest measure
They fall among the voices and the wine.

It's not a trick, your senses all deceiving,
A fitful dream, the morning will exhaust
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving.
Then say goodbye to Alexandra lost.

Even though she sleeps upon your satin
Even though she wakes you with a kiss.
Do not say the moment was imagined
Do not stoop to strategies like this.

As someone long prepared for this to happen,
Go firmly to the window. Drink it in.
Exquisite music. Alexandra laughing.
Your firm commitments tangible again.

And you who had the honor of her evening,
And by the honor had your own restored
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving
Alexandra leaving with her lord.

Even though she sleeps upon your satin
Even though she wakes you with a kiss.
Do not say the moment was imagined
Do not stoop to strategies like this.

As someone long prepared for the occasion
In full command of every plan you wrecked
Do not choose a coward's explanation
that hides behind the cause and the effect.

And you who were bewildered by a meaning
Whose code was broken, crucifix uncrossed
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving.
Then say goodbye to Alexandra lost.

reply to post by Tasmanaut


A hopeless romantic to which love is the only cure. Hope the venting on ats has helped and you feel better. I also wish you luck in the game of love.

Originally posted by Tasmanaut

Originally posted by MeesterB
No troll would spend the time to write that, so I continued to read.

Now, I think she would have felt what you felt if you were what she wanted. Sounds pretty harsh, but c'est la vie. I personally think you complicated things and committed your feelings further by using substances and involving sex, but there is no point in beating you over the head with that.

There will be someone to want you as bad as you want them. Well, happened to me, and there are plenty of happy couples out there, so I think it must be pretty common. Thing about there being 1 is that hundreds aren't, so don't be discouraged.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Thomas A. Edison

you are 100% correct. It was an extreme situation and I went over the top... the substances didnt help but without them I never would have had the courage... I'm an awkward aspergers persons, thats just how I operate... The same thing has happened to me every other time before when I've been with women, you would have thought I would have learned by now, but quite frankly, to hell with it, I'm an intense person, I only have 2 modes, not talking or deep and meaningful. I was crazy enough to think she could handle that. I'm sure I'll look back on this and eventually come to understand her point of view. I will find peace with this. As for not giving up, I think its perhaps best I did. Persuing a situation like this has gotten me in very embarassing and painful situations before. At least I had the honour of her evening

I understand you point of view from being the opposite. I missed many opportunities by not being open enough about my feelings, and I missed many chances at love because of that. However, each failure was just a mile on the road to finding the woman who will be my wife. It all seems long and fruitless until you meet that person, so depression and dejection is par for the course. One thing I've discovered is that the heartache shrinks to insignificance when you've found the one, so try not to get too caught up in it as it will feel inconsequential eventually. I know it doesn't make sense now, but many thing seldom do until examined in hindsight.

You seem to be deep and genuine so there is hope for you yet. Hang in there champ