Can someone love 2 people at the same time?

I think I know the answers I will get from this but please bear with me a while on this. My older sister (in her 40s) is married to a guy for over 15 years. They have 4 beautiful children but she claims she also shares love for another man.

I know this sounds crazy and contradictory and maybe some of you have experienced this but my sister and I grew up in a Christian household and always adhered to certain values and ethical codes. I cannot, for the life of me, understand how she can think in her mind she can love 2 men at the same time.

She and her husband have had their share of ups and downs over the years but they have always found a way to patch things up. He is a very hard working guy and family man. He could win Father of the Year every year if given an opportunity. I think her feelings got caught up in a tangle when she met an old friend over Facebook (dreaded social media!) and while I am not sure if she ever hooked up with this guy, I know she has told family members she loves this friend dearly and would love to keep him in her life as a "special friend". BTW< she has never told her husband of this friend, at least not at this level.

Anyway, she also claims she loves her husband, even though he had cheated on her in the past, but, as far as we all can tell, the guy did eventually apologize and cut all ties to his past. I don't know if she is trying to get back at him for what he did to her or she just feels disillusioned by devoted love, in general, but she claims her husband is her "true heart", whatever that means.

I have spoken to her on numerous occasions that she needs to cut ties with her new love interest before it explodes in her face but she seems infatuated by the attention she is getting. Not sure how to get through to her on this but maybe some of you ATSers have experienced some of this and would like to share some simple advice.

Yeah, but you usually pay double for that kind of action..

reply to post by Jefferton
Yeah, but is it really love shared or just lust for the other guy? If I can figure that one out, maybe I can help to convince her it is just a desire she is seeking. I mean, maybe she feels her husband is not providing in some area and is seeking that from the new guy, but if she claims everything is all right in her marriage but is still running after the new man secretly, then she may be confusing love with lust?

Most likely case is the husband is not doing something that the other guy is doing. After 15 years of marriage its hard to keep things spicey i would assume, and both men and women are guilty of allowing other people to woo them. Chances are she is just infatuated with the attention she is getting from the other guy.

Loving two people tho in the sense you are talking about is possible yeah, but its reserved for a select few people who can handle that kind of commitment and life. Think polygamy.

I believe with everything you have stated, that she is just attracted to the attention that she is getting from the other man. Having been with her husband for that long, she is still found attractive by another man. Given that they had a past history? She is probably having fantasies of what could have been as well. I sure hope she realizes that if she loved her husband enough to forgive him the affair, she needs to continue to love him and respect the institute of marriage.
I believe in many forms of love, but I believe you can only have that type of love for one person.

reply to post by Jaellma


I'm a guy in a similar position, created a thread here about it a while back. Up until it punched me in the face with a brick, I thought the same as you, it isn't possible to love two people.

It's both true and untrue. I can't speak for your sister, or for anyone else, but I am in love with someone, while still having love for my wife. That's the true part, where you can love two people. The untrue part is, at least for me, the "love" that means wanting to spend every waking minute with that person, feeling physically ill when they are away, you know, that love is a mutually exclusive thing. I can only love 1 person that way.

People change, people grow, couples grow apart. It takes incredible effort on both sides to keep a relationship fresh and working indefinitely. i'm not that strong, and from what I gather, plenty of people are in the same boat.

For me, it became about it being easier to stay than to leave. Sure, I don't feel that love, the relationship isn't working any more, but it's been my life for a very long time, it's somewhat stable. I watched my mother stay in a relationship that wasn't working far too long.

I don't think anyone can give you advice, but when it comes to situations like this, you have to stop and ponder if it's really love, or the idea of being in love.

Is it real, or is it just fresh and new and exciting?

Only 1 person can answer that.

seems like your sis never really got over him cheating and buried it deep down inside until it grew and grew and grew and her old friend on facebook finally brought it to surface, stronger than ever. just my opinion

reply to post by phishyblankwaters

It's both true and untrue. I can't speak for your sister, or for anyone else, but I am in love with someone, while still having love for my wife. That's the true part, where you can love two people. The untrue part is, at least for me, the "love" that means wanting to spend every waking minute with that person, feeling physically ill when they are away, you know, that love is a mutually exclusive thing. I can only love 1 person that way.

She had told me she felt her husband doesn't give her constant attention and because he drifted a little (the guy was going through some family issues) she might have used that as an opportunity to explore fulfilling her desires. Not sure, though.

I do agree that sort of you love you described is exclusively mutual between 2 people.

My thing is, if her husband ever catches her, I am afraid he will be very upset and want to end it. It looks like he is working really hard to mend their relationship and anything that may derail it at this moment may be devastating not only to him but their 4 children, who love him dearly.

reply to post by POPtheKlEEN89

seems like your sis never really got over him cheating and buried it deep down inside until it grew and grew and grew and her old friend on facebook finally brought it to surface, stronger than ever. just my opinion

Correct and not only that, her flame knows her husband from way back, and although her husband is unaware of what's going on, her flame wants to break up her marriage so he can get with her. He apparently is not considering everything that comes with it, especially hurting the children. It is getting messier, I am afraid.

Its odd that I just came upon your post. A little while ago I was sitting here thinking I wish I had a stay home wife but was thinking of the implications of the modern age of social media and what it is doing to couples. I personally feel that it is possible to hold love for two people but then again, there is a very fine line between love and lust and the two often get entangled. I personally hold a certain love for a couple women I was with in long term relationships but ZERO communication and mainly not on Facebook. I am a firm believer that a ex is a ex for a reason and I dont believe in even friendship after the fact. Overall, the 2 should part ways. Once cheating happens and is forgiven, it opens up the door for similar events. And if children are involved, I have heard couples say " we stay together for the sake of the kids" and that effects the kids worse in most cases...

reply to post by mckeesport

Its odd that I just came upon your post. A little while ago I was sitting here thinking I wish I had a stay home wife but was thinking of the implications of the modern age of social media and what it is doing to couples.

hmmmmm, funny you should mention that. She is a stay at home mom so maybe she has too much idle time on her hands..lol. With the advent of Twitter, Facebook, Skype, etc, it opensup so many avenues for people to reconnect and stoke the flames. This ultimately destroys relationships in the long run.

Your sister is playing with fire, affairs of the heart or of the flesh are equally damaging to a relationship. Very few people can actually "get over it" once this occurs. If a relationship is already rocky, try throwing a third party in the mix, and I assure you, it's all bad.

The betrayal felt by the person who is "cheated" on is profoundly painful, the foundation of the relationship is forever damaged. You can not un-ring a bell, and the "trama" caused to all concerned leads down a path of misery, insecurity, rage, fights, confrontations, tears...even violence.

It's not fair or "loving" to enjoy the benefits of a relationship, and still seek "outside" excitement from others romantically. I think it is very selfish, and if someone is unhappy enough to cheat, then they should be man or woman enough to end thier current relationship first. Breaking someone's heart is not something to take "lightly" especially if you ever loved them at all.

reply to post by Jaellma


You dont love someone you lie to and you dont lie to someone you love.

reply to post by MountainLaurel

I agree with you. I sense she is betraying her husband but when I told her that she said all she is doing is online flirting, nothing else. The problem with her statement is she is taking away emotion, feelings etc and sharing with another man. She is trying to have her cake and eat it too and it's all wrong.

From what I have heard, online romances usually blossom due to the "taboo-ness" of it and she is just fooling herself if she thinks it's all harmless and just simple flirting. I just don't know how to get through to her that this is all wrong.

reply to post by Jaellma


Real Love is not dishonest or covert in any way. By reading your story, I do not believe it is love but self-serving behavior.

There are many different kinds of cheating. What your sister is doing is cheating emotionally on her husband. Most people will tell themselves that this is okay, that they're not actually doing anything wrong, but they're just fooling themselves. This can go three ways: She or he online "love" interest will push for the next step, which is getting together in person, or eventually she will be caught because she wandered away while logged into her Facebook page and hubby sees what she has been up to, or she or the other guy online will wise up and end it.

Marriage only works in the long-term if both partners make a concerted effort to avoid all temptation from others. Everybody gets tempted, but if you don't have the strength to walk away from it, you shouldn't be married.

I think the majority of people get married out of infatuation, and then become disappointed when the infatuation dies away (as it always does), and it becomes a boring old family. I honestly believe this is at the root of many marital infidelities. There is too much selfishness in modern society, and way too much "I need more spice in my life" for marriage to be a viable option for most people in the long run.

Your sister needs to grow up and stop this online dalliance before it becomes an ugly divorce scene with 4 innocent kids caught in the middle. If she is bored, tell her to get a hobby.

Originally posted by Jaellma
reply to post by MountainLaurel

 

I agree with you. I sense she is betraying her husband but when I told her that she said all she is doing is online flirting, nothing else. The problem with her statement is she is taking away emotion, feelings etc and sharing with another man. She is trying to have her cake and eat it too and it's all wrong.

From what I have heard, online romances usually blossom due to the "taboo-ness" of it and she is just fooling herself if she thinks it's all harmless and just simple flirting. I just don't know how to get through to her that this is all wrong.

I hope you will be able to convince your sister to put an end to this before it destroys her family. It sounds as though you two are close, and she's reaching out to you trying to work through her feelings. Do you think she has "made peace" with her husbands affair? Is this a reaction to unresolved feelings she still may have over this?

Does she fully appreciate that once she also "cheats" she will lose all credability in terms of expecting her husband to honor his commitment of fidelity to her? What does she want or get from this other man that would be "worth" giving up her husband and family? Do you live close enough to possibly help "mediate" difficult discussions they may need to have?

It seems to really help my sister and brother in-law to work through disagreements in my presence, lol, perhaps each just wants an opportunity to give thier "sides"...but...it does seem to help them to both be more fair and rational in expressing thier feelings, and they're less likely to walk away in anger. Infidelity isn't thier issue, but my sister will threaten divorce, which she absolutely doesn't mean or want...she would be "beyond" devastated if he ever wanted a divorce.

The odds that your sister would be happier, at age 40+, leaving her marriaage with 4 children, after being a "homemaker" and making a new life with some guy who woos her on the internet is SLIM. This guy has already shown he has no reguard for her marriage and children...and my guess is this man isn't going to be quite so "romantic" if he actually had to take care of her and her children the way her husband seems to do.

I wish you luck with your sister, I completely understand why you are so concerned, lol, maybe turn her on to ATS, probably still an internet addiction of sorts, lol, but at least you learn something, get out of your own head, and for myself has helped to put my "broken heart" in perspective.

p.s. bring up sweet stories of when thier children were born if you have any, it always melts my sister...and gets brother in-law a big hug.......♥

Originally posted by Jefferton
Yeah, but you usually pay double for that kind of action..

Kinda, but it's more like trouble squared.
And that's all I will say about the matter
It is possible that she holds feelings for both men but I assure you this will end badly should she continue with her secret relationship.
No doubt the attention makes her feel younger and more desirable, something her husband should know.
Then maybe he can become the source for those feelings again.
She should tell her husband about this guy and why it makes her feel good.
Honesty at this point could be very productive for them both,
It doesn't have to be a disaster and could be an opportunity to learn more about their partners' needs and desires.

reply to post by Jaellma


Right now, she's basking in the attention of this other suitor...obviously something she feels she's missing right now. Advise her hubby to amp up the romance, and this facebook fantasy will soon fall by the wayside, where he belongs. Also, her hubby needs to know about this guy, and do his duty and firmly assert his position here, and tell the guy to get lost. This is bro code dude.

Originally posted by phishyblankwaters

It's both true and untrue. I can't speak for your sister, or for anyone else, but I am in love with someone, while still having love for my wife. That's the true part, where you can love two people. The untrue part is, at least for me, the "love" that means wanting to spend every waking minute with that person, feeling physically ill when they are away, you know, that love is a mutually exclusive thing. I can only love 1 person that way.

Your honesty is refreshing. Especially when you admitted trading love for comfort. The kind of question the OP is asking is never easy to answer because, as you pointed out, there are different ways you can love a person. I'm beginning to understand these days more and more the difference between loving someone and being "in love" with someone.

I can meet a woman at work and love her for her honesty and openness, but that doesn't mean I'm IN love with her. I just love her as a person. I can also be married to someone and think I'm "in" love with her when the reality of the situation is that I love for her always being there when I need dinner, when my daughter needs a mother/daughter talk or when I need a little "Satisfaction." It was a love of comfort.

Being "in love" with someone means that you connect with them on the level of yourself that makes you the kind of person you are. People ask, "Why is he such a nice person, a jerk, a weirdo"...whatever. The answer to that is at the base of a person. Their baseline if you will. It's why they are what they are. It means, as you pointed out, that you don't feel complete without them which explains why you spent most of your life feeling like "half a man", or "half a woman". If you can find someone whom you can connect with on that level, that's rare. Very rare. It also means that you don't stray from that. You can't really. Don't know why you'd want to unless the other person just isn't feeling what you do. Isn't connecting on the same level you are. Don't get me wrong, it's not an easy road to travel and if anyone tells you otherwise, they're either lying to you or simply misinformed. This is why I think that the friend of the OP is just infatuated with someone from her past that represented good times. Times she's not feeling right now. She's just trying to take the easy way out. I don't think this is on the level of what I was just describing.

Gazrok was right (as usual). Someone needs to tell the husband what's going on so he can fix what's wrong.



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