I think I'm in love with a girl who has a boyfriend already...

reply to post by NoRegretsEver


That's a very good female perspective on the matter... I know I shouldn't force the matter, but I feel like it's up to me to apply a certain amount of pressure to let her know how I feel. We talk to each other every day as it is right now. I think that maybe her feelings for me might be just as strong, although she will never say it unless I let her know how I really feel. We can often get quite flirty with each other, and it makes it that much harder for me to hold back, and maybe in the same sense, she is also holding back a lot. I can tell by the way she hugs me, the way she smiles at me, the way she nervously shies away from my gaze and blushes. I feel like if I could just unleash my feelings, it would take her breath away, and there would be nothing that could stop me, but there is so much standing in the way right now.

reply to post by theMat


I don't know if you really want to "unleash" your feelings. When you're moving out of the "friend" zone like that you might want to take baby steps. Keep it light. Take the lead and see how she follows. Just tell her something like..... you feel you could both have something good together, and ask her if she feels the same way. You took the lead by doing that. Then you ask her out on a bona-fide date. If she says yes and, judging from everything you've said so far, she probably will, let her decide where to go.

By doing it that way, you're taking it light, easy, picking up the pace and, if she says no, you're not setting yourself up for a heartbreak. Everything you've said tells me that she's ready for you to take this to the next level. She sounds like a good girl and good girls aren't going to do that for you.

As far as her boyfriend is concerned, it sounds to me like she feels that her relationship with him has run it's course and, by striking up a friendship with you, she's exploring her options. That doesn't make her loose or anything, it just means that she's changing course.

Good luck.

I have been in this position..... Twice...... Yeah I was an idiot. Know what happened both times? She ended up doing me the same way that she did the other guy. I would say leave her alone

I just tend to stick with dating, there's no getting tied up or get into anything serious. There's no jealousy or any fighting. Just having a ball of a time. Even if there is no sex. I just wanna have fun!

Originally posted by DoctorMobius
reply to post by theMat

 

Well she has a boyfriend and is casually dating you on the side...sounds like a lady of high moral standing

No go ahead, she won't do the same to you...

....Sorry but I wouldn't waste my time.

edit on 3-6-2012 by DoctorMobius because: (no reason given)

I have been the "bit on the side" like this many times over the years. As long as you are honest with yourself then there is no issue with this. Don't read anything long term into it though.

For me, when it has happened i have been perfectly comfortable with it (as the cheatee rather than the cheater, as it were!). One of the them though tried to persuade me we should start a relationship and i could trust her! Yeah, right. I was seeing her on the side for nearly 4 years - she had a long term boyfriend of 5 years at the time.

Like i say, just be honest with yourself and enjoy the physical side

Thank you everyone for all your support and advice! I just received a text message from her asking me if it's difficult for Chinese people to find jobs in North America, which I think is a sign of her showing interest in starting a relationship with me. I feel very confident about my situation right now.

reply to post by theMat
I almost posted an answer to your question.

But who the hell am I?

If you're an adult, make your own decisions. Don't listen to a bunch of people on the intrawebz.

If she'll do it with you.... she will do it TO YOU. So far she hasn't physically cheated.

Pretty simple. She is not going to make a decision unless she has to. She has it good it seems, so why change it. If she thinks you will stick around forever, she will keep on keeping on IMO. Don't get hurt by chasing her to a dead end. She should make a decision either way. As a female myself, an emotional relationship means more to me than a sexual one. It sounds like she is having an emotional relationship with you. I hope it winds up the way you want it. Just don't be chivalrous for years... you deserve to be happy too.

reply to post by theMat


Oh so shes using you for entry to the country even better!

Originally posted by beezzer
reply to post by theMat

 

I almost posted an answer to your question.

But who the hell am I?

If you're an adult, make your own decisions. Don't listen to a bunch of people on the intrawebz.

I'm not really asking for advice, I just want to talk about it because I have very strong feelings for this girl. I have made my decision, and I will be seeing her this sunday (when I will let her know how I feel). I talk to her everyday through phone messages or internet, but I feel this kind of thing can only be done in person. I just recently got hired for a teacher's position, and here in China it is considered a very good job, plus it will give me a visa to stay for another full year, which I was hoping for to be able to tell her how I feel because it would not be fair to her if I opened up my feelings and then had to leave the country. This way, at least she knows she can be close to me for a full year if she so decides that I am right for her.

I have already told her about the job, and she seems to be very happy and supportive towards me about it. I've taken this as a positive sign, and now the stage is set and the light is green for my big moment with her.

Big thanks to all the comments on this thread people, some kinda helpful, some not so much... I feel very strongly about this girl, I have never felt this way about any girl in my life before, and I really hope that everything works out between us. I will let you all know how it goes.

This reminds me of that Rick Springfield song, "Jessie's Girl". Or maybe just of case of the grass being greener on the other side. Take care what ever turns out.

reply to post by theMat


Does SHE think you are DATING, or does she see you as a friend she hangs out with sometimes?

Be honest with yourself.

People seem to equate "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" with spouse in their heads. It isn't the same thing. Yes, still cheating, but not the same level, especially as long as ties are broken when a new relationship is desired.

If she is actually "dating" you, then it's a good sign her other relationship is heading for splitsville. You need to do all you can to make that happen, without SEEMING like you are...

If you're instead, in the dreaded "friend zone"....then same rule applies, though she'll have to be fully broken up with him before she'll even consider an actual "date" with you. (and even then, that's an uphill climb)

reply to post by Gazrok


I would say that we are "dating" because every time we go out together, it is just the two of us, and we are going to romantic places together and having one-on-one dinners and stuff. I think it is just "casual dating", but still dating. I mean, it's more organic than it is structured. We talk to each other a lot and spend a lot of time together, and I can sense that we have a little bit of a romance going on. I know what my relationship is like with my friends, and this is something completely different altogether. The one thing I don't know for sure is that maybe it's different with her because she is culturally different, but that is what I'm going to find out!

Doesn't matter what YOU think it is....the important question is determining how SHE sees your relationship, and these "dates". You two could be on completely different pages as to how you're seeing it. Good luck!

Okay, so I told her how I feel, and just as I suspected, she has strong feelings for me too. She told me that she has been thinking about breaking up with her boyfriend already for a little while now, and my being there is giving her more reason to go through with it, but still she is undecided about it. She told me that she really likes me, but she doesn't know me like she knows the other guy, and she is unsure if I'm really who she thinks I am. I turned it around on her and told her that regardless of how much she thinks she knows her bf, that maybe he's also not who she thinks he is. That made her think for a while. She finally came to the conclusion that she will take more time to make her decision about it, just get to know me better, and also try to bring to light possible new revelations about her boyfriend that she never thought about before.

The good thing is that she is not ignoring me or avoiding me, and things are still pretty much the same as before, just now, she has the choice available to her, and that gives me a lot of hope!

about to go see her right now. She seemed to really want to see me today, maybe she has some good news for me. Hope so at least

reply to post by theMat


Hope so. Sounds like she's just keeping her options open here, for as long as she can, but at some point, she needs to decide....team Jacob, or team Edward... Up to you how long you give her to make the choice.

a reply to: Gazrok

hey man,

i know this is random, but i just read all this. 3 years later. and i'm wondering what happened. did you end up with her? hope to hear from you. i have been in a similar situation so that's why i'm asking.

best wishes,

a reply to: theMat

hey man,

i know this is random, but i just read all this. 3 years later. and i'm wondering what happened. did you end up with her? hope to hear from you. i have been in a similar situation so that's why i'm asking.

best wishes,

Boyfriend sounds like a minor detail. Win her over so you become the boyfriend. Just don't get clingy or jealous they don't like that, play it cool like you don't care. Maybe ask if you can have a girlfriend on the side too. Fairs fair