When [Nature] Calls

"Is a bear Catholic? Does the Pope pee in the woods?"

This was Danny's response to my question of whether he was being serious. He could, probably should have, answered: "Serious as a heart attack!", but instead he answered with that stupidity. How the hell was I supposed to know he was too scared to know he had just mangled his response to the point of nonsensical. I thought he was joking.

Danny stood there, his back to me, his shoulders curved inward with his arms mostly hidden by his back, looking downward, appearing as if he was peeing. Danny was a real clown. No really, a real clown as in he went to clown school and graduated with top honors. His clown name was Do-Do the Clown, and Danny could offer up a handshake only to throw his leg over the extended arm of the person he had just invited to shake his hand with the best of them...of clowns that is. Danny could also joybuzz a handshake with the best of them. Danny could squirt soda from an atomizer with the best of them. Danny was a real clown.

Of course, out here in the desert, where no bears are Catholic, and Popes don't generally pee, Danny had left his clown suit and rainbow colored wig with the big red nose, and big red shoes back at home. Who goes camping in a clown suit? Thank the Lord Danny doesn't. God only knows what would have happened had he worn his clown suit today. I don't know if reptiles can discern colors, or discern humans from clowns, but I kind of suspect that had Danny worn his clown suit today things would have gone a lot different...like gone horribly wrong.

Not that it was even an issue. Danny wearing his clown suit, I mean. It's not like I have to constantly argue with Danny about the inappropriateness of wearing a clown suit when off the clock. Danny gets it. If he's not entertaining at a child's birthday party, or some other sort of gig, Danny dresses pretty normally. I mean he likes to wear polyester a lot, but outside of that, he dresses pretty normally. Today he was dressed in a lot of khaki and mesh clothing because...well, because we were camping in the desert and up until this moment our camping trip had been pretty uneventful.

Sure, we saw a few coyote's hanging near by at dusk last night, but the coyote's seemed more afraid of us than we did of them. We ate beans and beef jerky, sang (badly) a few folk songs we could remember the lyrics to, and then wound the night down singing rock anthems while drinking tequila. We drank enough tequila that this morning the both us were feeling rather poorly. I felt so bad I accused Danny of beating the crap out of me last night while I was sleeping. Danny tried to smile at that, but winced and said: "Well, if I did, the way I feel, you must of defended yourself nicely", and then he walked a few paces north with his back to me.

"Where you going?" I asked. "Nature calls" was his reply. I had to go too, but apparently nature was calling a different tune with me and the tequila and my stomach were in a horrible row with each other so I waddled south a few paces and squatted to let my stomach repulse the jerky, beans, and tequila. It all came out rather quickly and messily, because....well, because my stomach was angry with me for drinking so much tequila. As I wiped the mess I noticed that Danny was still standing facing north. I pulled up my pants and walked a little closer to him.

"Damn, what are you doing, pissing a river?" I asked, lamely trying to be funny. Danny didn't answer. "Danny?" I queried. "Shhhhhhh" was his reply. "What?" I asked and started to walk closer to him. Danny could hear my footsteps and tensely commanded I stay where I was and not move a step closer. "Why?" I demanded. "Are you afraid I'll see your pee-pee? It ain't like I ain't seen it before, and I got to tell you it ain't no big thing."

"I just pissed all over a rattle snake, and now the goddamned snake looks really pissed" Danny kind of whispered loudly.

"Shut up." I said.

"No. You shut up." He said, but this time it wasn't like all the other times he and I were clowning around. This time he seemed to desperately want me to shut up. I whispered softly: "Are you serious? Did you really piss on a snake? Is there really a snake there?"

"Is a bear Catholic? Does the pope pee in the woods?"

I thought about this a moment, and then through my throbbing headache of pain I mustered a grin. "Ahggggg! What kind of dope do you take me for?" I started to walk up behind him to slap him on the back when I heard the rattle. Like a death rattle amplified, like an ominous baby rattle rattling deadly warnings, like a mystifying shaman doing his medicine dance rattle, I could finally see the coiled rattle snake, rattling its rattler as if it were about to strike at Danny at any second. I could hear Danny's breath, heavy and sporadic. I stood there for a second that must have taken three weeks to pass, and then I knew I had to do something to help poor Danny standing there with his pants down, his putter in his hand, terrified that this was how he would go, and even for a clown, I imagine that imagery was none too funny.

I bent down slowly and quietly and picked up a stick near me that was around three feet long. I stood erect as quietly as I bent, and step by painfully quiet step, side stepping Danny and ever so slowly walking around he and the snake, I positioned myself behind the snake that clearly had Danny hypnotized, but strangely it also appeared as if Danny had the snake hypnotized.

"No! Don't do anything. Please! Just stand still". Danny pleaded. "What is your plan? Are you just going to wait the snake out?" "Yeah! That's the plan." I realized Danny was terrified and I couldn't blame him but his plan was lame, and I figured any snake, even a rattler, was no match for two grown men. So, I nodded my head indicating I was looking behind Danny and asked him: "Do you plan on waiting out both of them snakes?" Danny jerked his head around quickly to see what other snake I was talking about, and when he did the real - and only - snake recoiled as if it were now going to strike, so I drove my stick down on the snake hard. As Danny turned back to face me he could see that I had managed to pick the snake up with the stick, the snake coiling around the stick while still rattling, and then I tossed the stick as far as I could throw it.

Somewhere mid arc, before the stick began its descent, the snake fell off the stick and plunked down on the ground, and Danny and I ran like two bats out of hell towards the SUV. We sat in the vehicle for at least forty minutes hardly saying a word, before finally finding the courage to get out and start packing up our gear. We packed quietly and carefully, unsure what we might find in our sleeping bags, or any of the equipment, but all was fine, we were safe and unharmed, but still had little to say. What can you say after a moment like that?

I guess we could have laughed and laughed and slapped each other on the backs and high fived each other like we were two rugged men of nature, but truth be known, we had never felt so citified as this day here in the desert staring down the black beady eyes of a scaly serpent with toxic venom and a scary death warning of a rattle. The city, tonight, has never looked so welcoming, so urbanely safe and sound.

I don't know if bears are Catholic, but I doubt Popes pee in the woods.

Oh, Jean-Paul, when (if) I can stop laughing, I'll post a rational comment

I've read and enjoyed your "serious" posts. Your humorous side is even better!

J

reply to post by Jean Paul Zodeaux


What can I say, save well done? As always, quality reading. Is there a link between the pope and rattlesnakes?

SnF as I move through the other entries.

Sometimes I just don't know how to critique a post...I mean I liked it, but I just wasn't expecting it.

With that avatar of yours I was expecting something a little more Shakespearian....
You know, lots of "thine's" and "thouest's" and "wherefore art thou's?"

But this reads a little more like an amalgam of the wit of Stephen King and Dave Barry.
(I'll wager thirty five cents you've recently been doing some light summer reading)

For now, let's just say I give you two thumbs up, one raised eyebrow, four stars and three flags....

Just a Great Story, The wording was strange for me, I called my husband and he explained those words to me.
Just Great and expanded my knowledge of the American Language.

Oh my........


Classic !!!



S&F

Top shelf all the way !!

very good.

S&F x5

I'm not quite sure how to reply to this one.
But I have finally stopped laughing.
City folk in the country is funny by itself,But dealing with a rattler while peeing.Oh my god.LOL S&F

hahaha! Well done my friend!
Love it.
I could read your stuff for hours. lol

reply to post by Jean Paul Zodeaux


JP, you are one clever scoundrel. Of course you realized that by describing Danny's clown costume so completely in the preamble to the event itself, your readers might just well gestalt the whole image in the desert to picture a clown suit around the poor fellow's ankles, no matter how much you might describe the scene otherwise. As a reader, it's been a truly delightful experience.

Regards to poor Danny whose misadventure has now been immortalized.