BREAKING NEWS!!!
I was sleeping soundly in my little chiten coup last night, snuggled in and dreaming away when suddenly, out of nowhere, there was a LOUD BANG! I startled from my sleep and lo and behold, THE SKY HAD FALLEN!!!! OMG!!!

I flew right op off my perch and got outside. A HUGE alien ship had passed through a black hole, leaving chemtrails behind, and crashed right there in the barnyard!! You can imagine my surprise!!! Looking back, I realize that my spirit guide had awoken me as it always does when there is a major prophecy about to unfold.
I watched as several grey aliens shuffled out of the craft dressed in US military uniforms, yet clearly not of this world. The angst was high and my little chiten heart was pumping wildly. I quickly started channeling my spirit guides with a little bit of meditation, it’s much easier for me now since I’ve had so much practice and dedication. As I watched with the help of my spirit guides (the ancient Mayan calendar maker, a pediatrician from Hawaii, an Egyptian pharaoh, Albert Einstein, Bigfoot and Ronald Reagan), I saw it all unfold.

Military jets and helicopters quickly merged on the scene and even President Obama showed up!! I was pretty nervous by now and it was difficult to stay calm and just watch instead of heading for the hills! I listened as they spoke of their trip, catching the time shift from HAARP and Cern’s cooperative efforts had been tricky, but they were able to refuel at the sun and finish the trip. Then, to my surprise, Obama quickly hugged one of the aliens saying “I’ve really missed you DAD!” I was ready to call the media and let them in on this as well as the GOP so they could use this against him in the election when out of the darkness stepped none other than Dick Cheney and George Bush!!! I was prepared for an epic battle that would tear apart the surface of the earth and reveal the inner earth itself where all the inhabitants would rush forth and join in the battle of Armageddon! But then, Cheney walked over and hugged the same Alien!! OMG, what’s going on here?! He just said “Nice to see you again uncle ZYLXMSARE” then they all started laughing and reminiscing about old family times.

Well, needless to say, if it hadn’t been for all my spirit guides, I would never have long since passed out from the mental instability caused by all this. I mean seriously, any logical mind knows you’re not going to get a group of scientists from HAARP and CERN to work together on a venture like this, IT’S A CONSPIRACY!!!

Just when I thought it couldn’t possibly get any stranger, a time portal opened and out walked Abraham Lincoln, King Tut, Pontius Pilate, and Bill and Ted! WOW, curiouser and curiouser I’m telling you!! Bill and Ted asked if the plans had been made so I listened closely to try to find out what the evil plan was. ZYLXMSARE piped in and said they were waiting for everyone else to show up. DANG, there were more coming??? It seemed like they had enough there already! About that time, two guys showed up with jetpacks on, right out of the sky, dressed kind of like Iron man. They took off their helmets and it was Mitt Romney and Donald Trump!!! They all shook hands and hugged like it was some big family reunion or something! Amazing!!!

Well ZYLXMSARE pushed a button and this giant holographic image popped up (there were some previews showing stuff about R2D2, C3PO and then something about a guy named Mr. Popper that had a bunch of penguin followers who were out to get Batman). It all played out right before our eyes, amazing, absolutely amazing. My Mayan spirit guide translated for me as it progressed from when God created the world and set evolution into play (my spirit guide Bigfoot piped in that he was that “missing link” but wasn’t allowed to tell the public at large) up through the calendar that was made. It turned out Romney and Trump had traveled back in time and completely destroyed the entire Mayan civilization with laser pointers they had developed. It was a gruesome sight and my Mayan guide weeped. My Egyptian guide had to step in as the hologram followed what we know of civilization down through the ages, I sure am glad I hadn’t bothered paying attention in high school or it would have been a little boring.

They went through building the great wall of China with the help of the alien ships and the Egyptian pyramids all the way up to the trump tower. They talked about how the tower was a spirit portal that was getting interference from the Twin towers and how they had to come down. Bush chuckled about what a “great job I did with that”, it made me pretty mad. To my surprise, Cheney smacked him and said “shut up son, we’re not supposed to talk about that, people aren’t ready to know yet and you don’t know who may be listening”. Bush sniveled and replied “sorry dad”. The hologram finished playing out and they had to change the reel. In the meantime, ZYLXMSARE explained how they had been preparing for this Armageddon for some time now and needed everyone’s cooperation. Pontius Pilate chimed in about how the last time they tried, everything went to hell in a handbasket really quickly and it’s taken 2000 years to get it all aligned for another shot. They talked about how it’s taken this long to get the brainwashing process complete and how they were almost foiled by George Orwell back in 84 with his expose’ on their intentions. Out of the shadows stepped Jerry Fallwell, Oral Roberts, Bob Jones and Pat Robertson. They apologized that their cloud had some engine trouble but they were here now. They gave their report on how they’ve turned all the churches against what that barefoot, longhaired, hippie peacenik convinced them of 2000 years ago and things were going according to plan.

They got the second reel loaded and started with how the battle was going to be set up. About that time, a BIG earthquake shook the land all around us and there was a giant chariot that flew down out of the sky! Nicola Tesla was driving, Jesus Christ was riding shotgun and Mother Teresa and Ghandi were shooting glocks out the side window! They were followed by band after band of angels, benevolent aliens and the NEA. The bunch that had convened earlier quickly jumped in their ships and took off in every direction. It was a total circus there, amazing. Lights were flashing, chemtrails were streaming, black holes were popping in and out and it was hard to follow. It didn’t take long, less than a half hour for everything to clear out. About that time, I saw Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith show up and flash some little lights around everywhere and then there was silence, just like everything was back to “normal” here in the barnyard.

I had on my sunglasses so those little flashy lights didn’t affect me and I remember every bit of it. I went over to where it all took place and looked around. There wasn’t much there other than a few crop circles, but with my ESP chiten senses, I caught a glimmer. I found this little square box, about the size of a cell phone. It’s what ZYLXMSARE had used to show the hologram. I’ve been studying it all morning but can’t figure out how to trigger it to show the holograms they were watching. Even my spirit guide Einstein tried to figure it out, but with no luck. If anyone has worked with these before and have an idea of how to make it work, let me know and we can break this thing wide open!!

Is this a joke? or is this Breaking Bull# not breaking news?

i would vote to outsource this story to the story-section...

...or to india,

they found a new religion based on it

No, I have WELL DOCUMENTED EVIDENCE... as soon as I can figure out how this little button box works....

OK, I'm thinking they must have fired off a tiny EMP to disable the power source, anybody know how to make a miniaturized nuclear power source?

Being that im using the mobile site, I cant see what forum this is in but I hope its in the jokes forum as you should have been shut down already.

Really?!?!

Tell Bill & Ted to come see me, I have some words for them!

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Posted Via ATS Mobile: m.abovetopsecret.com

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OK... well, glad you lived through it, good luck on .... figuring out your device

very enjoyable read!

Originally posted by WeBrooklyn
Being that im using the mobile site, I cant see what forum this is in but I hope its in the jokes forum as you should have been shut down already.

Really?!?!

Tell Bill & Ted to come see me, I have some words for them!

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Posted Via ATS Mobile: m.abovetopsecret.com

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It seems to be in the "Highly Speculative Conspiracy Theories" forum. I guess that's a good fit

Originally posted by WeBrooklyn
Being that im using the mobile site, I cant see what forum this is in but I hope its in the jokes forum as you should have been shut down already.

Really?!?!

Tell Bill & Ted to come see me, I have some words for them!

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Posted Via ATS Mobile: m.abovetopsecret.com

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If they come back tonight, I'll tell them! Shew, it was wild I tell ya!

Originally posted by SproutKY
OK... well, glad you lived through it, good luck on .... figuring out your device

very enjoyable read!

Thanks, I'm still working on it!

Still working on that little box thingy without much luck. There are no screws, no seams, nothing but a little button on it and words written in some kind of foreign language. Even my spirit guides don’t know what they are. They look kind of like this ( < to the left , > to the right , ll at the top , and O at the bottom ) No idea what they mean but they circle around it. It has a funny looking little red bulby thing on the end of it, that might be some kind of explosive device or something.

Anyway, I got tired of trying to figure it out and banged it on the table and another hologram came out of it. I was SKEERED!! There was a big bright image of the sun with a little black spot down beside it and you could see a stream going from the sun to the little black spot. That was the ship and it was refueling. I figured that much out.
Then my spirit guide, the pediatrician from Hawaii said he recognized President Obama, he said he remembers delivering him as a baby. He even had a picture of it. That big alien guy ZYLXMSARE was in the picture but had shape shifted to look like a person. You could tell it was really ZYLXMSARE because when you held it at an angle, you could see that he was only disguised as a person. Man, this is all coming together now. Dick Cheney was in the picture too. I thought he would look a lot younger, but he didn’t. I’m suspecting he’s one of those aliens too. He was holding little baby George. I could tell it was him because it looked like that guy on the cover of MAD magazine.

It was just getting really interesting when it flickered some, then just turned off. I don’t know if it shorted out or if that was the end of what they recorded on that video. I’ve banged it into the table a few more times, but it hasn’t done it again. I can’t find any batteries in it or a place to plug it in so I don’t know how to charge it up. Does anybody have one of those little mats that you lay your phone down on and it charges inductively? That might work, I don’t know.

I’m going to figure this out and I’ll let everybody know how it turns out. If you don’t hear back from me, them aliens came back and got me! I’m thinking about bleaching my feathers so I blend in with the other chitens and they won’t know which one is me. As long as they don’t send that evil Colonel Sanders after me, it should be ok.

Thanks for the heads up, it is a tough job to put so much together. As for this little box, sounds very much like a tool of the dark side. It may have been the pain of your frustration that turned it on, try not to hurt yourself to much but some pain sounds like it is required. ZYLXMSARE sounds very much like a troubled one with a very unfortunate upbringing.

Originally posted by kwakakev
Thanks for the heads up, it is a tough job to put so much together. As for this little box, sounds very much like a tool of the dark side. It may have been the pain of your frustration that turned it on, try not to hurt yourself to much but some pain sounds like it is required. ZYLXMSARE sounds very much like a troubled one with a very unfortunate upbringing.

hmmm so if I stub my toe by kicking it, it might come on again? I'm going to try that!!!
I'm tellin ya, that ZYLXMSARE is rough lookin dude! I think he's reptillian or something or at least amphibian.
I know!! I'll find somebody I don't like much and hit them over the head with the box and see if their pain makes it kick on, then they can witness it too and since they'll be mad at me, they'll be a convincing witness since they would never agree with me after I hit them with it! Dang, I'm getting smarter by the minute!! ...hmmmm I wonder if that's a side effect...