Social Anxiety Disorder is destroying my life!!!!!

Am I the only one who suffers from this crippling mental disability? I think I may be losing my job again because of my inability to interact with my co-workers. Over the past week I flew to a different state for training for my new job and totally freaked out the last day and couldn't continue the training. I called my manager and told him about what had happened and he just kind of blew off what I was telling him and spitted some corporate lingo at me. I find it to be worse when I am roll playing for my job or having to speak in front of a whole group of people. People who don't have SAD can't understand or imagine what it is like to have this disorder and will never get what it feels like inside. It is very painful mentally to live with this and I am stressing my wife out when I lose another job. I don't have insurance yet with my job so I can't really see anyone about this. I just don't know what to do or how to handle this anymore. Sometimes I feel so trapped inside that I would imagine I'd be better off dead than to put the people I love and care about through this any longer. If anyone out there has SAD I would like to hear about your ideas and stories or nightmares that you have experienced in your life. And for the ones who don't know what I am talking about here you go www.youtube.com...

I've had students with it before and it was quite a struggle for them. You say you have no insurance? It's hard to address the disorder without the help of a doctor and it's hard to see a doctor without insurance. Is there any way you could pay out of pocket to at least get anxiety meds to help you long enough to get into a position then get further treatment?

reply to post by soconfused


I to have Social Anxiety disorder and i feel like just being around people that im a burden to them. Everytime I have an encounter with someone ,every possible situation runs through my mind that im going to be uncomfortable; i feel your pain

reply to post by soconfused


your not the only one friend, i saw a therapist for a while which helped a fair, i still get anxiety attacks now but nowhere near as frequently, maybe worth a try? i had a training course last year that i had to leave half way throught because my anxiety got that bad i thought i was either going to have a heart attack or someone was going to kill me

I had some serious anxiety issues a few years ago. Long story, but boils down to the loss of my spouse, my mother, my nephew, my grandmother, two aunts, stepfather and two close friends in a four year period of time along with a lupus diagnosis that pretty much overwhelmed me.
A change of venue helped a lot and I've slowly but surely gotten back into "the groove". Everything is pretty much "numb" now. I know I still have a long way to go, but the anxiety is much better now.
Even though I was on medication for it, I feel like I'm doing better now without the medication. It helped me get a handle on things and put myself back together and I weaned myself off of it. I didn't want to be dependent on it for the rest of my life.
Anxiety can be one of the most debilitating things that you ever face and a lot of people don't understand.

Go to the doctor and get meds. Be careful about over-medicating. You are looking for help to get past the anxiety, not become a zombie. Use the meds to help you move past the anxiety then taper off the meds with your doctors help. I was diagnosed with SAD years ago and this is what I did. Now I don't have any problems whatsoever. SAD is all in your head, the meds will help you discover that. Be careful with the anti-anxiety medication most are pretty powerful and can be habit-forming.

Some may say that you should try a more holistic approach, but if it is impacting your job then it needs to be taken care of quick.

Be careful, work through it and leave SAD in your past.

-SC

Do some research.
If possible find a qualified NLP Trainer. Not a praticioner or other; Must be a TRAINER!

In the meantime..
www.socialanxietysupport.com...

www.phobia-fear-release.com...

www.nlpconnections.com...

socialanxietydisorder.about.com...

You can also try Faster EFT..
fastereft.net.au...

If you take life too seriously, you wont get out alive. Most people have to suck it up and pretend we care about a company and talk as if its our life...just take it with some humour. Don't think situations out, FEEL them out. Half if not more of the people you are talking too in these situations think you are a idiot anyway and catering to them or caring what they think just makes you anxious. Don't be a people pleaser think what you want and make moves on it, without hesitation and confidently and you wont notice people judging you any more...just the people sucking up to you to get what you have. Then you switch rolls and they wonder if you are judging them.


Its all a game, so learn to play

I too have SAD and can relate to what you're going through. I've lost a few jobs for the exact same reasons that you give and it's terribly frustrating.
I first saw a therapist who was absolutely no help and in fact frustrated me further. But this year, I started taking Buspar (generic of course for monetary reasons lol) and have found that it helps extremely well.
The fact that you're comfortable talking with us is a step in the right direction. Just keep in mind that you're not alone and there's always a better day coming. Just hang in there and that elusive answer will come to you and you'll look back on these days with a sigh of relief.

reply to post by soconfused

I don't know if you are a regular partaker of the tokable herb, but when I quit using that years ago, the symptoms of SAD basically disappeared. This was my experience and I am not claiming it is for everyone, just my personal case. I too suffered from SAD and after seeing a Prozac commercial in the late 90's, specifically targeting this affliction, I went asking my doctor for a script. I never got on them, because he wanted to send me for a psych check up. I was already an introvert(happily so btw) and other people's energy would drive me batty, but in retrospect, I feel it was because my senses were always heightened via the herbs, thus intensifying any natural nervousness from social settings. Some of us are naturally more sensitive than others and our empathy can be overwhelming, so anything that heightnes the senses, well heightens the angst too I guess. Like I said, when I gave up my herbal indulgence , it went away for the most part. I still choose to spend a great deal of time alone, but when I am around others, it doesn't wig me out like it used to.

I hope I am not breaking a TC, and if you respond, be aware it is a touchy subject and should be referenced with caution and non-blatancy.

Peace

Hey, I too have had SAD in the past, only in the last year or so have I started to feel strong enough to start 'unfurling my wings' and its an exponential process.
The best words i heard to help me out of this were to do with re-incarnation, that we choose the kind of life that we're gonna have before we incarnate into it. We choose the challenges and tough times we're going to face as learning processes. Hence, we're all where we're supposed to be to bounce our learning experiences off of each other. You cant really blame people or be a victim of something anymore because you chose it as an experience.
Since then I've shifted my view on life as less a victim of some disorder and more a soul having an experience in a body, from this broader perspective, for me, this has worked and any problems Im having a try to look for what Im supposed to learn from a situation.
All subjective i know but just passing on what has worked for me in case its of any benefit as i emapathise with where you're at in your post. I realise re-incarnation isnt going to sit right with everyone
Another thing i read that helped is that when we clam up in conversation, we're using a different part of the brain to what we should be using, we should be more 'sub conscious' and in that situation because of stresses and hoping to say the perfect interesting thing at all times we get too close to the situation and clam up. When you can learnt to relax and try be more free flowing/sub conscious, it really works. Plus caring less about what other people think. We're all as 'broken' in our own unique way, some people are perfect in party situations working the room etc but we all excel at something and really suck at others.
No one is above you and you're not above them, you're a valid human being. Theres a lot of potential for learning/developing in situations you find fearful. Its tough but rewarding, face your fear and get more practice in social situations, most people have a certain level of vanity and like answering questions about their life, have a list of questions (in your mind) to ask people about their life - what do you do for a living? what do you do in you off time? How do they know so and so? Some people you can be there for a long time just listening and gently questioning more about what they come out with. Just be as gracious and valid when they ask you any questions, they could be struggling as much as you might be and we're all just helping each other up. Even when you meet an asshole, you can learn more about yourself as to why they might offend you so much. Its all a learning process.
Take Care & Good Luck
Namaste!

Originally posted by SkullCreek
Go to the doctor and get meds.

I will NEVER trust another Doctor even if my LIFE depends on it... NEVER.

"The medical industry is no longer to be trusted. We have a Medical Inquisition. The Rockefellers took it over way back and warped a lot of it. Our doctors are brainwashed. The Rockefellers are dedicated to population reduction and are using the medical industry to do it."

"In the Church of Modern Medicine, no one is excluded from the sacrifice. There's plenty to be afraid of. The God that resides in the Temple of Modern Medicine is Death. The doctors are priests, the birth certificate is the baptismal certificate, toxic silver nitrate applied to the eyes at birth is baptism, the nurses are inquisitors, etc. Research is the prayer of the religion of Modern Medicine."

“I do not believe in Modern Medicine. I am a medical heretic. I believe that Modern Medicine’s treatments for disease . . . are more dangerous than the diseases they are designed to treat. I believe that more than ninety percent of Modern Medicine could disappear from the face of the earth – doctors, hospitals, drugs, and equipment – and the effect on our health would be immediate and beneficial . .

"Confessions of a Medical Heretic" Dr. Robert Mendelsohn, (pp. ix-xi-xv) Source
Medicine has become a religion (WATCH this video!)

"So as you can see, there are a number of substances with various psychoactive effects that one can become dependant on to the point of needing it to 'survive' without the possibility of dying in the withdrawal, if it was a substance that can cause death or permanent damage to the brain."

"Modern science can easily reshape the molecules and make slight changes to 'turn off' the psychoactivity of the substance they wished to make 'sneaky' for purposes of mass population ingestion daily to the point of mass dependance."

"...the pharmaceutical companies know their medicines cause dependance and they know that they can charge any price because they know the person will go to any length not to suffer so horribly once addicted and pay any price. The doctors who prescribe these types of substances liberally know what they do to people and know full well that their patient will likely become dependant as long as the medicine is repeatedly given to them with refills etc. They may often trick a person into thinking they need the medication when in reality a non-addictive one could solve their original problem just the same. These same doctors get throwbacks from the pharmaceutical companies for prescribing their brands you see. They get incentives .. "

and so you'd definantly see how the population could be controlled via a drug ..

Source

"Our medical practitioners, while courageous and needed, are educated in schools whose curriculum and even text books are heavily influenced by the powerful pharmaceutical industry. Representatives of the pharmaceutical companies frequently visit your doctor's office promoting the efficacy of their company's drugs and giving away free samples to be dispensed to patients; Pharmaceutical companies use their giant profits to manipulate and formulate legislation to protect their business and harm that of their competitors (non-drug healing practices as well as proponents of vitamins and health foods) in the U.S. Congress and White House.
Standard medical practice is organized around the Theory of Diseases, which is that a person becomes sick because he or she contracts a disease. Conventional treatments are therefore treatments of diseases, not of people. With the exception of antibiotics, most of the drugs employed in conventional medicine are designed to act as chemical strait jackets, preventing the cells of the body from performing some function that has become hyperactive."

Source

What Does the Bible Say About Doctors?

When Jesus was on earth, He NEVER referred anyone to a Physician

God needs no middle men. When Jesus was on earth, when someone came to Him for healing, He never referred the person to Luke, the “Physician.” Jesus healed the person directly and personally. And He healed him either with His Word – which we have today, in the form of the Bible – or He healed him with natural methods – clay, water, etc.

Jesus NEVER used drugs, although we know that some types of drugs were available in His time. When Jesus was on the Cross, He was offered a type of drug to ease His pain, but He refused it.

In the Bible, What was the consequence of seeking out anyone else except God for healing?

Asa, King of Israel sought out the physicians INSTEAD of depending on the Lord – and Asa DIED!

God says, “I am the Lord who heals you.” Exodus 15:26

“I will take away sickness from among you. . .” Exodus 23:25,26

Lorraine Day, M.D.
Source

"By studying the original Greek text we find that the use of drugs is mentioned four times in the New Testament. The Word ''sorcerers" in Rev. 21:8 and 22:15 and "sorceries" found in Rev.9:21 and 18:23 are all derived from the original Greek word "pharmakon". '

"We read in Rev. 22:15: "For without are dogs and sorcerers, and whore mongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

"Whatever "sorcery" is, it certainly keeps pretty bad company, doesn't it? Now we read in Rev. 18:23: "Thy merchants were the great men of the earth, for by thy sorceries were all nations delivered".

Strong's concordance lists the word "sorcery" as: #1—a drug i.e. a spell-giving potion #2—a druggist or pharmacist #3 — a poisoner.

"Isn't that amazing. A pharmacist today has the same Greek title that he had at the time the New Testament was written nearly 2000 years ago, and he is still doing the same thing — dealing in poisonous drugs!

"The Bible says that "sorcery", or the use of poisonous drugs, has deceived all nations. All nations practice sorcery through the use of drugs, but they are deceived into thinking it's right. If a person is deceived, he won't know he is deceived, now will he?

"When I first became aware of it, my reaction was to deny it. Surely the word must have changed meaning. I looked in Webster's 2nd Collegiate Dictionary published in 1980 under the word "pharmaceutical" and I could scarcely believe my eyes when the definition read: "pharmaceutical"—the practice of witchcraft or the use of poison.

Source

"He's the best physician that knows the worthlessness of most medicines."
"God heals and the Doctor takes the fee." - Benjamin Franklin

Why Pharmaceutical Drugs Do Not Work

Let's face it: The current pushing of drugs onto the population isn't scientific; it's just great marketing combined with political arm-twisting by Big Pharma.

Organized medicine won't make any money if you choose methods other than drugs to treat your disease or enhance your health. Every patient that gets healthy is another lost customer to organized medicine.
Speaking of experiments, we have a grand experiment going on right now across the population. It is an experiment to see how long the American public will put up with Big Pharma lies, propaganda and scientific fraud while popping prescription drugs.

Nearly everything that conventional medicine is telling you is fiction. They will create research and clinical trials designed to diminish side effects and maximize certain biochemical functions of their drugs, and if some results turn out to be negative, they will bury those results. The evidence they do show you has been distorted.

This is what passes for "science" in the world of Big Pharma. But the Emperor has no clothes. Under the mask of science, there's nothing but fraud and profiteering at the core. Source

I recommend the books of John Virapen, who used to work for the pharmaceutical industry. He exposes the truth about the corruption and fraud in the industry.

I bribed a Swedish professor to enhance the registration of Prozac in Sweden.
—John Virapen

Pharmaceutical companies want to keep people sick. They want to make others think that they are sick. And they do this for one reason: money.

Did you know:

• Pharmaceutical companies invest more than 35,000 Euro (over $50,000) per physician each year to get them to prescribe their products?
• More than 75 percent of leading scientists in the field of medicine are paid for by the pharmaceutical industry?
• Corruption prevailed in the approval and marketing of drugs in some cases?
• Illnesses are made up by the pharmaceutical industry and specifically marketed to enhance sales and market shares for the companies in question?
• Pharmaceutical companies increasingly target children?

LINK

Side Effects Death PDF

WHAT DRUGS REALLY COST

Xanax 1mg
CONSUMER PRICE ?(For 100 tabs/caps)$136.79
COST OF GENERIC ACTIVE INGREDIENT?(For 100 tabs/caps)$0.024
PERCENT MARKUP 569,958% (570 thousand percent!)

An investigative reporter for Channel 7 News in Detroit found in his investigation, that some generic drugs were marked up as much as 3,000% or more. Yes, that's not a typo ... three thousand percent!

MARKUP FOR OTHER DRUGS:

Celebrex: 21,712%
Claritin: 30,306%
Norvasc: 134,493%
Prevacid: 34,136%
Prilosec: 69,417%
Prozac: 224,973%
Tenormin: 80,362%
Vasotec: 51,185%
Xanax: 569,958%

A Deadly Fairy Tale

The most startling fact about 2002 is that the combined profits for the ten drug companies  in the Fortune 500 ($35.9 billion) were more than the profits for all the other 490 businesses put 
together ($33.7 billion).” The Truth About The Drug Companies

Will oncologists submit to chemotherapy if they are diagnosed? Well, in 1986, McGill Cancer Center in Montreal, one of the largest and most esteemed cancer treatment centers in the world, surveyed 64 oncologists to see how they would personally respond to a diagnosis of cancer. The results will blow your mind. Are you sitting down? Of the 64 oncologists surveyed, 58 said that... ALL chemotherapy programs were unacceptable to them and their family members due to the fact that the drugs dont work and are toxic to ones system! That's right, 91% of oncologists will not take chemo!! Ty Bollinger Interview

First I would like to congratulate sproutky on what I feel was a job well done in getting through this crap and not becoming reliant on the drugs. You have done something I consider to be very respectable.

Now then, I would like to try to offer any possible helpful advise that I might be capable of. As others have said, you indeed are not alone my friend. Many of us suffer from things like this. YOU CAN BEAT IT! Trust me, it is very possible. I suffer from borderline personality disorder accompanied by MPD which of course involves anxiety so I know exactly how you feel. My wife has MPD and SAD, it will come and go but she struggles with talking to strangers and groups, with my cheer leading she is getting better though.

Sadly, it seems you cannot afford a good doctor. Don't let that get to you man, while many will claim you should see one, you don't really need one. You can beat this on your own if the desire is strong enough, if the desire isn't strong enough you need to work on that. I'm not a fan of medication, in m opinion it is merely placebo, so if you use it believing that it will work, it probably will, but i you don't think it will then it might not. A lot of people who suffer from such things do not believe the medication will help, they take it anyway and it doesn't do much for them, that is proof of placebo. There is also the high risk of addiction with these medications as well as some potentially undesirable side effects. Many doctors will try to get us to take the medications, that is their job, they are supposed to send your money to the pharmacy. Unless you can research and find a doctor who has a reputation for being against the medication, I wouldn't advise bothering with one, and those are often difficult to find without the money. Don't let that bring you down though because you don't really need medication for something that you can train your brain to do better. It is difficult but it can be done. Finding the motivation is very much a challenge in situations such as ours, it can be done though, you just have to believe in yourself. No matter what, continue telling yourself that you can beat this, even if you screw up sometimes, you're only human, people make mistakes, don't let that stop you, continue telling yourself that you are improving and that you are beating this.

As I stated earlier, I suffer from borderline personality disorder, and I have not taken medications for any of my issues relating to it since I was 15 years old. The multiple anti depressants made me very uncomfortable and more agitated than I was without them. I'm only 24 and my wife and I have been together for over 8 years. If you know much about BPD people who suffer from it often cannot maintain a stable relationship, well it hasn't stopped me. I wont deny that it has been very rough at times and I don't understand how she can put up with my crap but my wife and I love each other very much and while some of the things I have said in the past do hurt but she understands that I do not really truly mean some of the stuff I say. My father both verbally and physically abused my neglectful mother and I often, I believe he suffered from the same disease. While this disease has been the cause of many fights throughout my first 18 years of life, I have never and will never physically harm my wife and children, the love is just too strong, I only wish that I could say the same for the verbal part. I have not been in a fight in over 6 years, there have been some very close calls with strangers but I try extremely hard to keep myself out of situations that might lead to such results. I grew up in a life of poverty, receiving tons of physically and verbal abuse from my father as well as many other children at school. For the entire first 15 years of my life there was nothing but hate in my heart, that all changed when I met the girl I am now married to. My first child was born when I was 17 and I had already quit school but the birth of my child did so much for me, that event completely turned me around and gave me not one but two good reasons to win this war. I just finished my 2nd year at the local university with an above average gpa in the particular school- this coming from a high school dropout who suffers from BPD accompanied with MPD that grew up in poverty, had a child at 17, abusive illiterate father, a very stupid and neglectful mother, and was often bullied and mistreated in school - oh and I still live under the poverty line and currently have no choice other than to reside in apartments very close being project housing. If I can do it I damn well know you can!

Sorry if I come off the wrong way, I just felt a short personal story would possibly help to fuel the fire of your desire to win the war you are currently fighting with SAD. It is very tough but WE ALL KNOW YOU CAN DO IT! The power truly lies within you, stay strong my friend and there is nothing you can't achieve.

Originally posted by soconfused
Am I the only one who suffers from this crippling mental disability? I think I may be losing my job again because of my inability to interact with my co-workers. I find it to be worse when I am roll playing for my job or having to speak in front of a whole group of people. It is very painful mentally to live with this and I am stressing my wife out when I lose another job. I don't have insurance yet with my job so I can't really see anyone about this. I just don't know what to do or how to handle this anymore. Sometimes I feel so trapped inside that I would imagine I'd be better off dead than to put the people I love and care about through this any longer. If anyone out there has SAD I would like to hear about your ideas and stories or nightmares that you have experienced in your life.

You say that this fear of how people percieve you is a crippling mental disability, I agree. You say that you believe that you have an inability to interact with your peers, I agree. You say that it is painful to fear how people percieve you because it makes you unable to interact with those whom you fear, I agree.
I ASSUME that your wife is a tad bit harsh in what she says to you about losing another job.
You know that your fear of people is like a snare set before you.
You are right in that it is better to die than to live afraid of those within your sphere of influence, but death is NOT the only option and it definitely is NOT the best option, you, by coming here, know that.
People say that practice makes perfect, I do not disagree with that statement. So, can you practice not caring what people think of you? Since you have made this post, I believe that answer would be a resounding YES!
I used to be known as SHY, I suppose I was, and still haven't yet "died to self" so to speak.
Let me put it to you in this light, do you believe that you are going to die one day?
Why waste precious time and energy on dreading that which is going to happen anyway?
Are you afraid that people might speak the truth about you? What makes you afraid that people will think you are unfit for society? This thought process has a medical name but it's a psychological issue.
I believe that you have either put people on a pedestal, which is unhealthy, no one is above reproach, not even you.
OR, you have deemed that VERY FEW people have your best interests at heart, in that case it is very much a possible opinion.
OR, you mistakenly think that if you do just the right balancing acts, that you can get everyone to like you.
No matter who you are, SOMEONE isn't going to like you, and no matter where you live, SOMEONE is going to show you that they don't like you. I've been through so much rejection that it is not even funny, still I get up every day, knowing that what I say isn't going make some people feel warm and bubbly. It's not my job to tuck everyone in at night and it certainly isn't yours either.
Jesus said, "Love your enemies", He didn't say he'd send a lightning bolt to each of our percieved enemies for a quick and speedy death, he told us to love them. It's not possible to show love to a person who isn't willing to even speak to us on his own spare time.
I implore you to ask yourself what the cause is for your fear of social situations. I know sometimes I don't see the point in expressing my feelings, but repression leads to depression and self pity (I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU ARE HAVING A PITY-ME-PARTY WHATSOEVER), but self pity does absolutely nothing to alleviate depression.
If we are to be proactive, we can't let the actions of other people control what we think say and do.
I'd like to help more if I can, if you feel I have wronged you in any way whatsoever, please don't be afraid to tell me so!
I know what it feels like to be afraid of what someone thinks of you. A couple years ago I was face to face with a crush that I had since gradeschool, under the circumstances I was afraid of what he'd think of me and I was shaking sweating I nearly hyperventillated right before his eyes, I was SCARED, not because I had done anything wrong, he didn't bust me in the act of committing some crime, nothing like that. I'll tell ya what, he saw right through it and laughed. End of Story. I've seen him around and of course I feel embarrassed but the past is the past. I've been humiliated so much and so often that heck, I might as well stay humble. That's not to say that I should stay in a constant state of self-belittlement, but that I should see myself for who I really am, and accept it. THe key is self-acceptance. The bible says that those who lie in wait to ambush the lives of others secretly dig their own graves. Walk around your grave before you lie in it I say. And don't hang out in the bushes where a hunter might mistake you for a calf.

Here's how I overcame Anxiety...

I've suffered from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder and Panic Attacks with Agoraphobia for most of my life but have vanquished it this year. I hope my success story can help you out.

For a long time doctors told me that I would never completely heal and that any chances of being functional without pills was impossible. It took a while before I agreed to medication but that really only led to feeling somewhat better from being emotionally and physically numb. I'd always feel so exhausted, my life was a constant battle which I endured fists clenched, lock jaw, expecting some dire situation while feeling abandoned and misunderstood.

Last year I lost someone very close to me person which I had chosen to be responsible for, an intentional burden which I took on out of love, admiration and respect. After this person's passing, a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. A month later my son was born, that changed everything, there was no way I would be absent in his life so I vanquished every other burden which held me down. The more I weeded these problems or responsibilities out of my life, the more control I had over my thoughts and the better I felt about myself. For years I thought that I could not release these but the reality was that I would not by fear of losing my identity. I had accepted that these things were a part of me, I even identified with my anxiety, "This is who I am, how I feel like and what I do".

I was allowing my disease to persist by identifying with it and with every problem in my life.

I could not accept that things change and that who I was could change as well. Accepting that is the hardest part and the main reason why so many people have anxiety disorders. One has to accept perpetual death. One has to accept that one's own morals and beliefs can change throughout his or her life. There are no constants in life and accepting that and being able to release what-ever it is that prevents us from healing is the only true way to achieve serenity and true happiness.

I do hope you find wisdom and salvation in these words. Self-Hypnosis and Meditation are both great tools to get you started. If you need some guidance you can check out this book: 8 Mindful steps to Happiness

Don't despair for there is always hope.

I have ASPD due to my severe hearing loss. I try to avoid being around people as much as possible because I feel that I can't control my life and often feel lost. I'm afraid that I would make mistakes, and people would misjudge me and get the wrong impression of me just because I'm able to be myself. I feel like a big part of me is missing, I simply just don't feel whole when I'm around others. The biggest thing that keeps me from being around people, isn't a fear of failure no. It's the fear of, seeing and sensing how people look at me or think of me over and over again as if they feel that they are better than me. The laugh, the smile, smirk they make when talking to me. I've seen this a lot in my life, and as I'm getting older and older it's only making my ASPD very much worse and consuming me entirely. My biggest fear is that, I would kill these kind of people. Just not people I know, just so I don't get cought. I even have a method, and everything that I would love to do to these people. As depress as these people make me feel, it makes me happier and feel good when I think about doing the things to them that I think about. Every action, has a reaction. Sociopaths/psychopaths are not born. I believe most are made as they grow older apart from those who do have seriously messed up cross over neurological problems.

I've studied serial killers and one thing I realize is I understand some of them. Some I can sympathize with even though I don't agree with what they have done and they should have done something to restain themselves. There's 3 stages. Fanasties, urges, than finally the act itself. I'm having urgers right now everytime I see it inside people, the thing I hate most. I described earlier, and I can read people rather well due to my sixth sense and it's true when say that the eyes are the window to the soul. And don't worry, I've already made an appointment to talk to a pshyciartist about all this. I'm even going to tell them if Decemeber 21, 2012 comes and goes; I want to be in a chemically induced coma because honestly; my heart I'm not a killer. I love people, but I just hate how people look at me, think I'm stupid, laugh at me everytime I make a mistake, smirk at me, embarrass me around people without even ever denying their own ignorance because they don't have a single clue what I go through. If they can do it to me, they can do it to anyone and the only reason why they don't act that way around others is because of their own ego of wanting ot be around people who are worth being that can reflect on their own selfr-eflection of themselves on how they want to be as a person. Stupid stuck ups, too blinded by their illusion of their reality caused by perception and ignorance of life. But yeah, until Decemeber 21, 2012 I'm actually going to try and see how I can handle myself socially now. I've changed, and I'm a little confident that I'll do fine, hopefully. If things are just impossible for me, that's when I'll ask to be put in an induced coma in 2013 so I don't harm anyone. Hopefully that action alone will cause other researchers to be interested in my life and realize what I go through and use that information to help others like myself. To be able to cure the blind, the deaf, or any other major psychological problem. These things CAN be cured but far too much greed in this world slows that research down.

I find people are amazing but at the same time I also hate a lot of people. It's amazing how someone acts around you until they find out that you're deaf and hard of hearing and change how they act towards me all together. A lot of people don't notice I'm deaf and hard of hearing because I can speak quite well which makes it unoticeable. Because of my perspective of people, and how I see things from my perspective; is the reason why I'm a sociopath. And if I ever got my hearing back, I'll choose my friends very wisely and put them through a varity of "tests" so I know just what kind of person they really are. There's lots of fake friends, fake people out in this world that's just unbelievable.

I know for a fact that if I hadn't lost my hearing, I wouldn't have ASPD right now. Let's put it this way, I enjoy movies with subtitles because with them I never get lost and always know what's going on. I wouldn't even see a movie that I'm dying to see if it doesn't have subtitles available and would wake weeks for a subtitle to come out and when it finally does I watch it. The same thing goes for people, I love people and I know there's so much that I could learn from people. Being able to hear involves many different aspects of your life; Learning, working, relationships, goals, and several other things I'm sure.