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Untitled Chapter 1

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posted on May, 27 2012 @ 06:46 PM
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Death comes in many varieties just as life does. Heart attacks, cancer, and car accidents. What if you were to die without knowing of death or the fact that you were alive in the first place as if life and death were unwritten words in your mental dictionary. So many things come and go from this world unaware of the meanings of the words coming or going. Some like to believe the first coming is a second going, and others believe that you go where you have what's coming to you, be it good or bad. Numerous people say the universe is too perfect to not have a creator, a literal god. This story is brought to you by that "literal god", translated from the unknown garble of thoughts in the mind of a being in a land of only darkness and questions otherwise untold. Questions that lead to more questions that raise more inquiry. Think of being born in a dark room without someone there to entertain the idea that you're somebody, only to leave you wondering what could've been, and where to begin these thought processes. No one to teach you feelings, morals, or stimulate the experience of comfort, knowing you're not the only one with problems to overcome.
In a flash of an instant there he was, alone in his own personal dimension of nothingness. His first thought was similar to "Where am I?" but there is no here or there leaving him with no referance point to judge this upon."Am I here looking out? Or am I out there looking here? He decided it was neither of the two because there's nothing there, he must be everywhere. He felt as if he were inside somewhere, not really knowing if there was an outside of this place, making him feel discouraged by the notion that this may be all there is with nowhere left to go. His next thought was "How did I get here, there, or everywhere? A second or two ago I was nothing, Non existent." He wondered how something could've come from nothing, something being nothing but darkness and contemplation. He pondered this for awhile and came to the conclusion that there must have been something before him, because that's how things work. He didn't know how he conceived this but it still felt true all the same, someone had to have made him...




posted on May, 27 2012 @ 10:32 PM
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reply to post by davidtheriault
 

I'll be harsh, but you posted it on our request, so you should expect an honest critique.
To be fair, one untitled chapter is hardly a basis to judge, and I'll immediately recommend that you label this as a Prologue to a story. In order for it to be a Chapter, you really should introduce a character or two.



So many things come and go from this world unaware of the meanings of the words coming or going.

A lot of coming and going in one sentence.


the first coming is a second going


More coming and going. Expand your vocabulary. There are other words that mean the same thing, that will add more flavor to your story. Try "advancing" and "retracting". Or, "encroaching", then "subsiding".



His first thought was similar to "Where am I?"

Thoughts are never quoted. Only verbal speech between characters. You can create a unique dialogue utilizing that literary technique.


"Am I here looking out? Or am I out there looking here? He decided it was neither of the two because there's nothing there, he must be everywhere. He felt as if he were inside somewhere, not really knowing if there was an outside of this place, making him feel discouraged by the notion that this may be all there is with nowhere left to go. His next thought was "How did I get here, there, or everywhere? A second or two ago I was nothing, Non existent."

Again, you are quoting thoughts. You start out with a quote that doesn't end, a simple punctuation error, then further expound by another quoted thought, which you can't do and be grammatically correct.

You need a bit more flow. I like the story theme, a character that you can develop, thinking in the first person, and realizing where he is at once he has awakened.

Since your offering is a small example, I'll offer you this rewrite....

Original:


Death comes in many varieties just as life does. Heart attacks, cancer, and car accidents. What if you were to die without knowing of death or the fact that you were alive in the first place as if life and death were unwritten words in your mental dictionary. So many things come and go from this world unaware of the meanings of the words coming or going. Some like to believe the first coming is a second going, and others believe that you go where you have what's coming to you, be it good or bad. Numerous people say the universe is too perfect to not have a creator, a literal god. This story is brought to you by that "literal god", translated from the unknown garble of thoughts in the mind of a being in a land of only darkness and questions otherwise untold. Questions that lead to more questions that raise more inquiry. Think of being born in a dark room without someone there to entertain the idea that you're somebody, only to leave you wondering what could've been, and where to begin these thought processes. No one to teach you feelings, morals, or stimulate the experience of comfort, knowing you're not the only one with problems to overcome. In a flash of an instant there he was, alone in his own personal dimension of nothingness. His first thought was similar to "Where am I?" but there is no here or there leaving him with no referance point to judge this upon."Am I here looking out? Or am I out there looking here? He decided it was neither of the two because there's nothing there, he must be everywhere. He felt as if he were inside somewhere, not really knowing if there was an outside of this place, making him feel discouraged by the notion that this may be all there is with nowhere left to go. His next thought was "How did I get here, there, or everywhere? A second or two ago I was nothing, Non existent." He wondered how something could've come from nothing, something being nothing but darkness and contemplation. He pondered this for awhile and came to the conclusion that there must have been something before him, because that's how things work. He didn't know how he conceived this but it still felt true all the same, someone had to have made him...


Rewrite:

(In the next post)



posted on May, 27 2012 @ 10:41 PM
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reply to post by Druid42
 


The rewrite:

Death comes in many varieties, just as life does.

Heart attacks, cancer, and car accidents. What if you were to die without knowing of death, or the fact that you were alive in the first place, as if life and death were unwritten words in your mental dictionary?

So many things arrive and retreat from this world unaware of the meanings of the words coming or going. Some like to believe the first arrival is a second passing, and others believe that you go where you have what's coming to you, be it good or bad.

Numerous people say the universe is too perfect to not have a creator, a literal god, so this story is brought to you by that "literal god", translated from the unknown garble of thoughts in the mind of a being in a land of only darkness and questions otherwise untold.

Questions lead to more questions that raise more inquiry.

Think of being born in a dark room without someone there to entertain the idea that you're somebody, only to leave you wondering what could've been, and where to begin these thought processes. No one to teach you feelings, morals, or simulate the experience of comfort, knowing you're not the only one with problems to overcome
.
In a flash of an instant there he was there, alone in his own personal dimension of nothingness, his first thought was contemplating where he was.

There was no here or there by which he could decide a reference point by which to judge his opinion upon.

He tried to discern his perspective. Was he here looking out, or out there looking in? He decided it was neither of the two because there's nothing there, so he must be everywhere. He felt as if he were inside somewhere, not really knowing if there was an outside of this place, making him feel discouraged by the notion that this may be all there is with nowhere left to go.

His next thought pondered how he got here, or there, or everywhere.

A second or two ago he was nothing, nonexistent.

He wondered how something could've come from nothing, being nothing but darkness and contemplation. He pondered this for a while and came to the conclusion that there must have been something before him, because that's how things work. He didn't know how he conceived this but it still felt true all the same, and that someone had to have made him...

-------------------------------------------------------------
It's a plus to space your story out, and there's no reason to crunch it up all in one paragraph. Give your readers the pause they need to digest every sentence you are presenting. Make your sentences deep, and try not to use the same adjectives within the same paragraph group. Use a thesaurus, there are many online.

Otherwise, the best of luck in your writing endeavors. Kudos to you for throwing this out.



posted on May, 27 2012 @ 11:37 PM
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Thanks that'll help in the long run.



posted on May, 28 2012 @ 10:07 AM
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reply to post by davidtheriault
 


Glad to help.

Best of luck in getting your story out. I'll be more than happy to read a copy.



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