My X Wife

(to set the mood)


I just need to vent this morning.
Today about my x wife.

I was married for 12 years, together for 17. I trusted this woman with everything. Told her everything. Helped her to become everything she wanted. I lost myself in doing this. By the time my marriage was over, I was nothing. I gave so much of myself that there wasn't anything left. Funny, that is exactly what she said too.

One day she came in the door out of the blue and told me she was leaving me. I already knew. I was not prepared for it though and it created a void in my soul. My heart was ripped out and stomped on several times through out the years, but she always put it back, not this time. She was having an affair, and had been for over a year. I knew already.

I knew it was over.

I became suicidal. There are 3 boys who need their dad, why would she do this to our family AGAIN? This was the third time I knew of. She, always playing herself off to everyone as being super mom while she worked,as I sat at home, taking care of my children. They were all I had.
We argued on day in the yard, and I heard words I will never forget, she knew how bad I was hurting inside, she knew I wanted to die. She watched me scamper for weeks trying to save our marriage. Nothing was good enough. Then she said it.....
"I wish you would just kill yourself, end it, but make it look like an accident, or I cannot collect your insurance"

What?? Did I hear you right??

"Make it look like an accident".....

Then she drove away leaving me in the yard alone......

I'm still here 8 years later, hating on her for this.
Du hasst mich....

She destroyed my children....
She destroyed me....

Now, I can look back and see what happened....but....
Du hasst ....

Sometimes I seethe with it, and cannot let it go.
My heart was destroyed, my children now almost grown..
They know this song too...
Du hasst.....

reply to post by Darkblade71


I had to look up the translation

Du
du hast
du hast mich
du hast mich gefragt
du hast mich gefragt, und ich hab nichts gesagt

Willst du bis der Tod euch scheidet
treu ihr sein für alle Tage

Nein

Willst du bis zum Tod, der scheide
sie lieben auch in schlechten Tagen

Nein


You
you have *
you have asked
you have asked me
you have asked me
you have asked me,but i did not obey

Do you want, until death seperates you,
to be faithful to her for all days

Never

Do you want, until death, which would seperate, **
to love her, even in bad days

Never

* When Till is just saying "Du hast," it sounds as if he could either be saying "Du hast" (you have) or "Du hasst" (you hate). This is to give the song a double meaning, even though the official lyrics say "Du hast."

** There is another sort of double meaning here. If the line is read as "Tod der Scheide" it would be "until the death of the vagina" and not "until death, which would seperate" ("Tod, der scheide"). The whole song is a play on German wedding vows (Wollen Sie einander lieben und achten und die Treue halten bis dass der Tod euch scheidet? - Do you want to love and respect each other and to remain faithful, until death seperates you?). Instead of answering with "Ja," Till says "Nein," finally answering the question he said nothing to in the beginning.

reply to post by obnoxiouschick


It is a crazy song with double meaning.



I see you got it.

reply to post by Darkblade71


The people you love know how to hurt you the most.
Trying to provoke you to kill yourself ...now that's just wrong.
I've had that said to me.
It's such a f-ing rollercoaster.

The average marriage today only lasts 3 years. I don't want to get into a rant, but the MSM and the whole "feminist" movement is designed to destroy the family. Infidelity is the new "cool".

reply to post by Darkblade71


Here ... does this help

reply to post by obnoxiouschick


I could never do that to someone.
What was so sad about it, is that she was serious.
Funny how love can turn to hate.
Strange how one can cut off another person from their emotions in the blink of an eye, and suddenly want them to never exist.

To this day I don't get it.
It still hurts, even though I am long over her, she killed a part of me that never came back. Trust,allowing myself to give fully, insecurity....
I remember seeing her about 2 years after, and the feelings were finally gone to some extent. I no longer felt the pit in my stomach and the yanking in my chest. The actual physical feeling of your heart bleeding from the inside like a dagger twisting into your heart...that is no longer there, only animosity...and that is not right either. But it is what it is.

reply to post by Darkblade71


I get so much # for playing this.....(my kids are young so I use my headphones)

reply to post by obnoxiouschick


Awesome tune!
Made me want to smash my head into the keyboard over and over again.

Thats what I love about music, it can vent out all of those messed up emotions.
My downstairs neighbors are probably bitchin about my sub woofer now

Originally posted by Darkblade71
reply to post by obnoxiouschick

 

I could never do that to someone.
What was so sad about it, is that she was serious.

And did you have that feeling of like "well you're saying it cuz u think I won't" and you're tempted just to prove you could.
Noose, bleach, driving my car off a cliff..... thought of a bunch of ways

Funny how love can turn to hate.

Yes it's really funny
how about having someone flip flop back and forth so much it makes adhd look like a coma
insult - luv - insult - luv u - cruel dig - but luv u - hate u - but luv u - call u names in front of the kids - then hug u

Strange how one can cut off another person from their emotions in the blink of an eye, and suddenly want them to never exist.

To this day I don't get it.
It still hurts, even though I am long over her, she killed a part of me that never came back. Trust,allowing myself to give fully, insecurity....
I remember seeing her about 2 years after, and the feelings were finally gone to some extent. I no longer felt the pit in my stomach and the yanking in my chest. The actual physical feeling of your heart bleeding from the inside like a dagger twisting into your heart...that is no longer there, only animosity...and that is not right either. But it is what it is.

I seriously can't say any more

I'll have my hard drive as court evidence

He smashed 4 computers in 2 yrs
I could see him using whatever I post against me so .........

reply to post by spoonbender


Great tune!

reply to post by Darkblade71


At least u moved on and are free to do what you want now

I gave an alcoholic an ultimatum - he took it.

reply to post by obnoxiouschick


I had no choice but to move on. Had I not, I would of died of a broken heart.

I wish I could of blamed it on alcoholism, at least there would be an answer as to why.
I never got an answer. I know what I saw, what I was told by others, but I never heard it from her lips, all she ever said to me was "I didn't do anything I am ashamed of"

She married the guy the next year. Partly to justify in her mind what she did, of that I am sure.

Am sorry to hear you are kind of going through something like this, the end of a marriage is like a death, even the grieving cycles are the same. I can relate.
(misfits vid!! Rock on!)

If it's been 8 years, then something is not right with your lack of healing from her. I have a similar story....I was married 15 years and together 17. Two kids. My ex-husband said he was going to a baseball game and literally never came home. He left for another woman and had his brother call me to tell me he was never coming back.

I was stuck with trying to figure out how to save our house and handle my grief and the grief of our two kids.

Everything about our life was centered with him, friends, what we did, everything.

When he walked, I literally had nothing that belonged to me. I decided I would not become a casualty of this man, so I went to counseling twice a week for 6 months. I considered counseling medicine for ME. I remember the counselor telling me after a few months, he could help me get my ex-husband back or help me to go down my own life path. I remember feeling as though at that point, I had the power back and the choice was mine, not his. I choose the latter and ended up forgiving my ex husband.

I made myself a promise, to do one thing per week that scared me or made me nervous. This included asking a man to dance at a New Year's Eve party/club. Thank God I did as that man was absolutely my other half or twin soul. We've been married almost 15 years and I am so very thankful my ex-husband is not in my life.

Since that time, I completed MY dreams, something I could never have done if I was married to the ex as it was all about him.

Take control of your destiny and don't be a victim any longer. Happiness has been waiting for you for a long time. Go get it!

reply to post by curiouswa


After our divorce, I moved on. I went and did all of the things I wanted to do. Everything I could not do while I was married. All of my dreams, everything that I felt my soul required in order to heal, not just from her, but other things in my life too.
I am one big walking duct taped emotional band aid.

Just sometimes it comes back, and I need to find ways to get it out of my system.
Music generally is my tool for getting it out.
But I have to be careful what I listen to or I flood with every emotion you can think of.
Moody? nope. Just very in tune with what goes on, on the inside.
(Although my current wife would tell you I am moody lol)

reply to post by obnoxiouschick





A few friends of mine are going through the same thing.
You will be much happier after.

It is an odd thing, having an x like mine.
There is no contact between us.
My boys call me frequently though.
She never held to her part of the divorce decree, and I have had to use it a few times just to get her to bring them over to my house. They used to visit my mom a lot when I was in Alaska, but as soon as I came back, she stopped bringing them to my moms to visit her.

She is odd. I could understand if there was abuse or drug usage, or something. But there was never anything of the sort, so I don't know what her problem is.
Aggravating sometimes.

I feel more for the kids than anything. All 3 now have gotten into trouble more times than I care to admit.
No doubt she is messing up their heads too.

Thank god they can grow up and can get away!

Some wounds never heal and we just carry them around hence the word baggage. I do think worrying at it like a bad tooth is not a good idea. She is a red label beeotch. No matter how you try you will not ever figure out why. Own your part of it and move on. You have love and light in your life now, you have more than most. (hug) Don't spend more than a day singing the blues.