How Do You Stop a Bully?

Here is an example of the ridiculous PC world that is so full of c##p that they can't even allow correct behavior.
www.dailymail.co.uk...

reply to post by survivaloftheslickest


Bullies are a part of life. It is the sad truth, its part of growing up, and learning a deeper lesson.

The question remains: how do you stop a bully?

In the physical sense, you stand up to that bully and bloody their nose. Stand up and Fight.. its the only way sometimes. Its true.
In the mental sense, you can defeat a bully by bettering yourself, and finding happiness in life, while many of those bullies later on in life have that come around affect.
Not that karma is a punishing stick, bullies end up getting bullies later on down the road.

In this day and age, we make it to hard for kids to fight it out like was the normal coarse of things. Kids are kicked out of school for less. Kids are allow to bully, but then, you are not allowed to fight back.. That is the BS part of all this. The kids are not being allowed to fight back.

reply to post by cavtrooper7


Encouraging bystanders to remain bystanders and punishing those who intervene is a norm. The idea that "authorities" will always intervene is erroneous but prevalent.

Think that there have to be laws to protect people who help. Insurance driven culture also directs people away from doing the right thing. This sort of behaviour by the school system is likely insurance driven. Like many "safety" precautions, they are really "liability" concerns.

reply to post by zysin5


Is this everyone's first option?

I assume that everyone advocating this has been the victim of some serious bullying. I'm not suggesting this doesn't have a place, but everyone in this thread seems to go from 0 to 200 without anything in between.

Is this really how you guys operate?

I was raised to believe that violence is wrong and that problems should always be resolved peacefully, but sometimes with a bully you have no other recourse. As a child I was bullied by a kid half my size. He used to beat me up, take my lunch, etc. Although I was clearly bigger than him, I was timid and gentle and never fought back and always tried to reason with this kid. Well, my dad caught wind of this and insisted I slug him one or it wouldn't stop. He showed me a few self defense techniques (he being a police officer at the time), and the next time the kid came to take my lunch I slugged him in the stomach as hard as I could. He went down, I walked away with my lunch, and he never bothered me again.

Moral of the story? Education and anti-bullying campaigns are a great thing and I support bringing awareness to the issue 100%. But sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands and show a bully that you aren't there for their entertainment and you aren't going to take abuse and will dish it out to defend yourself if you have to. Bullies prey on people they perceive as weak and defenseless. They wouldn't be bullies if they targeted their equals. Show them you wont take #$&! and they leave you alone

Originally posted by SibylofErythrae
reply to post by zysin5

 

Is this everyone's first option?

I assume that everyone advocating this has been the victim of some serious bullying. I'm not suggesting this doesn't have a place, but everyone in this thread seems to go from 0 to 200 without anything in between.

Is this really how you guys operate?

I was bullied as a child yes. I was told to fight the bully, or deal with my parents. (My parents knew the value of having a kid that can defend themselves in a world full of bullies.)

So I fought the bully, and I was not bothered until the next bully. Which I fought, after months of name calling. I hate fighting, and its the last option, but it seems it always comes down to it.. human nature.
I am just being honest.

Look, I get it. I do. I appreciate the need to sometimes make the boundary really clear, and authority isn't always
1.on your side
2.not a bully themselves
3.there
4.willing to entertain the severity

I had a teacher leave the room after seeing that I'd finally hit a wall. Looked me right in the eyes, nodded and developed a sudden need for coffee when he saw the look on my face. The only teacher who noticed what was happening, and I threatened two guys who'd started to use splitting-from-the-pack techniques on me seeing that I was an acceptable target. Neither came near me again for 4 more years of high school. One almost did, and then thought better of it.

Their behaviour wasn't anything he could do anything about, due to the nature of it. He knew, I knew, they knew what they were doing...but he couldn't have said anything about it because of the way it was developing. They would have had the benefit of doubt on their side.

But would the situation have ever existed if the bystanders weren't encouraging the bullies? If the bullies weren't encouraging each other? If the bystanders had instead been engaged enough to make it unacceptable, would I really have had to do that? The bullying didn't exist in a vacuum.

So I agree with you that the hammer has a place. Would you have needed to use it if other poeple had been willing to use their social power to make the bully unacceptable?

Originally posted by SibylofErythrae
reply to post by zysin5

 

Is this everyone's first option?

I assume that everyone advocating this has been the victim of some serious bullying. I'm not suggesting this doesn't have a place, but everyone in this thread seems to go from 0 to 200 without anything in between.

Is this really how you guys operate?

I don't think violence is any reasonable person's first choice, but with bullies, it's often the most effective choice. If you don't engage, you won't know a moment's peace. That bully keeps coming and coming, hurting you, and, as an added bonus, devaluing you in the eyes of others. This happens at the adult level too. With bullies, you try reason maybe once, then on to beating their natural ASS if they don't change their behavior

reply to post by LightsideAssassin

Its not an option to just hit out , as so many have asserted . Its a gross overgeneralisation . / you dont know who is trained or not .

The option of restraint is what should be sought or retained . This is the position of power, over the bully he wishes to pull from you .

As in , the power to disarm is one far greater than of simply being able to shoot .

Jesus said , "Turn the other cheek"

That is good advice . If the bully hits you once , allow him another shot . Just the one more ... It serves many ends . The bully will
1. Have to respect you for it / think your crazy / trained / ready
2. Think twice about whether to do it again
3. wonder what will happen if he does
4. Give you 2 reasons , not just one , to defend yourself against a clear enemy
5. /incriminate himself openly in the eyes of others
6. have a second chance to learn his lessons

etc .

Its the power of psychology comes well before force . Power under proper controls

Originally posted by ZIPMATT
reply to post by LightsideAssassin

 

Its not an option to just hit out , as so many have asserted . Its a gross overgeneralisation . / you dont know who is trained or not .

The option of restraint is what should be sought or retained . This is the position of power, over the bully he wishes to pull from you .

As in , the power to disarm is one far greater than of simply being able to shoot .

Jesus said , "Turn the other cheek"

That is good advice . If the bully hits you once , allow him another shot . Just the one more ... It serves many ends . The bully will
1. Have to respect you for it / think your crazy / trained / ready
2. Think twice about whether to do it again
3. wonder what will happen if he does
4. Give you 2 reasons , not just one , to defend yourself against a clear enemy
5. /incriminate himself openly in the eyes of others
6. have a second chance to learn his lessons

etc .

Its the power of psychology comes well before force . Power under proper controls

We will just have to agree to disagree. Those who turn the other cheek tend to wind up with 2 swollen cheeks

Hit the bully with a restraining order then jail time if they violate the restraining order.

Originally posted by EvilSadamClone
Hit the bully with a restraining order then jail time if they violate the restraining order.

in my country we cause them physical pain until they catch on that bullying is unacceptable it seems more effective than getting Lawyers involved

Originally posted by AboveBoard
For myself as a kid, standing up and fighting back led to one thing only - being hurt harder and with greater consequences. The bullies in my life weren't the kind that you could beat up and make them go away, they tended to be the kind that if you dared stand up it was the excuse needed to escalate violence and social isolation. As I was young and insecure in my own power, it was quite frightening. So, fighting back physically doesn't always work.

A point about violence in school where I live. It is important to note that one kid punching out another kid, however justified they feel due to being bullied, is going to end up with the 'victim' being seen as an aggressor. If the bully plays it right, the victim has a bright shiny new expulsion on their record. There is a very strong anti-bully campaign in the schools here, however, and zero-tolerance from teachers/admin towards bullying behavior. It is a good thing, and nips the bad behaviors in the bud before kids become "permanent victims" that everyone feels okay about picking on. Anti-bullying policies give teachers backing from admin, and both greater power and clear guidelines to follow when they witness bullying.

People struggle with power issues. Bullying is an abusive "power over" move - power over others, usually using weapons of fear, violence, social isolation, emotional or verbal abuse. A bully wants to show you an image of yourself as a weak, worthless victim that deserves to be hurt because you are so obviously not good enough. If you are insecure in yourself (and who isn't at some point?) you can take on that image for yourself, which is one of the most destructive effects of bullying that can last a lifetime; believing the bully. If, on the other hand, the image the bully puts up is false to you and you can act accordingly, then you are not a victim. That is the foundation of "standing up for yourself," and doesn't have to include violence in response to violence. A look at the US civil rights movement (MLK) and Ghandi's non-violent ability to stand up to the forces of Empire provides, I think, an interesting model for the concept of not buying into what the bully wants you to believe, and handling it with the sheer determination of someone who will not be put down.

I'd just like to say that this is an excellent post and brings a great perspective on the issue. Thank you for sharing it, if it's appreciated by even one, it is valuable and I appreciate it greatly.

Originally posted by LightsideAssassin
We will just have to agree to disagree. Those who turn the other cheek tend to wind up with 2 swollen cheeks

I dont think you or others who would defend hitting out have experienced this situation . Let alone twice . Most people , before training , are all talk . I met a great big rugby player at kickboxing classes and was he very frustrated that a little gardener like me was running rings round him . That was until he had learned to fight , whence he was a much more fearsome opponent .

It takes physical effort and mental willpower which most people dont have to learn to fight / defend yourself properly. When I speak of the option of restraint , and keeping that sacrosanct , its exactly what i mean . When you can fight/ defend yourself properly , and you realise what fighting means , you own _ the option of restraint . And you would be much more likely to use this option , knowing the damage you can do with just one punch .

If you are weak , you dont own that option . /its frustrating isnt it . But that's life , sorry about that .. Feigning it .. its better than being bullied I guess , even if your first efforts are unsucessful as is very likely ..

Originally posted by LoonyConservative

Originally posted by hammanderr
Bullying is obviously not a problem. .......... Stop lying, you're not helping someone who's trying to get some viable advice from this thread.

edit on 27-5-2012 by hammanderr because: grammar

hmm you must have been popular and therefore never had this problem.. and yet your chiming in. would your advice be then for everyone to try their hardest to not be bullied by becoming handsome/pretty and popular?

Bullies pick on those they perceive as weaker, either to make themselves feel better, or for personal gain of some sort. if you step up and show you aren't weak.. you wont be a target anymore.

Although that might work with physical bullying, and may not work, there are many forms of bullying that take place. Emotional bullying is far more powerful in the child population today, especially with social media available on the internet. Punching someone out through a computer screen isn't really possible. Having a fistfight against someone spreading rumors only makes you appear to be the bully and the little grapevine they use for their rumors will only spread it with a negative spin.
Bullying has evolved to a higher level now than it used to be. It's not just someone wanting to physically overpower you, it's people who want to destroy your entire "personhood". They attack mentally, physically and especially emotionally. The method of confronting the bully depends on the form of bullying taking place. Sure, if it's a playground bully that picks on and hits kids smaller than him, punch him. But if it's a group of teenage girls that spread rumors and snicker behind the back of another teenage girl, punching isn't going to help, it's only going to make it worse. If it's a power hungry adult, be it a parent, teacher, guardian or whoever, punching them isn't going to work either and will cause more problems than solutions.
50 years ago, punching someone out would work. 20 years ago, it would work for the most part. Today, it doesn't.

Originally posted by andy06shake
Tell your wee yin to stick there thumb in the bully's eye, n twist a little, it will pop right out and probably blind the fool. Problem solved Glasgow style! You need to make your kid understand that you dont take crap from anybody in this verse.

edit on 27-5-2012 by andy06shake because: (no reason given)

Then you can visit your child on the weekends in juvenile detention
There are other, more productive ways.

Bullying as adults take an entirely different route. It's no longer "physical" at all. They use harassment, secrecy, gossip, attention and other things to make your life miserable. I was never bullied as a child. I was one of the big kids and could be very intimidating. I didn't do any bullying that I'm aware of, but it's possible that others may have felt bullied, if so, I would apologize if I knew of it, but I stayed to myself and a small group of friends for the most part.
As an adult, in the workplace, I've experienced everything from the very helpful to the actual bullies. It's usually a person in the mid-authority range who wants to "move up" so they intimidate, they harass, they get very creative in making your life difficult. They are the most dangerous forms of bullies and are usually the cause behind the stories we read about people shooting up a workplace or causing violence of some sort at work. They get pushed to their limit by these bullies and they snap.
Granted, I never got to the point of violence or shooting anyone, but I have experienced stress before related to bullying behavior by "supervisors". I won't say "superiors" because there was nothing superior about them. They were more inferior than anything else. They are easy to spot, always have the "official" look on their face, ask questions about nitpicky things that don't really matter, they target individuals. Each one is different and must be handled differently, much like posters on a message board. Some posters will pick apart arguments with non-pertinent facts that get misconstrued. Some will focus on spelling and grammar. Some will disagree with what you posted and twist it and turn it. Some focus on politics and make blanket statements like "all those lefty-liberal idiots" so it's not a personal attack, but it is very personal. They attack the general group you are in so they can anger you and cause strife. Others may say "all conservatives are morons" and if you are a conservative, you take it personally. Still not classified as a personal attack, but it is a personal attack, personal to you.
Granted, most of the other posters can see right through it, but then you have the small group that chimes in and agrees with them causing even more stress and strife, then you feel you have to lash back out because they are attacking you on a personal level with non personal insults.
How do you handle those people? I don't know. I try to walk away, but sometimes, I want them to know they didn't "win" since that's their only goal anyway. I want to take their goal away from them and it results in an argument. There are serious psycological issues with people who do this and there needs to be a way to stop it. If anyone knows what that is other than the usual "just walk away", please share it.

A bully seeks the option of restraint over the victim , much like an interrogator only stops torturing when compliance is gained .

Eventually the victim wills the aggressor to use this option , pleads with him to do so .

At this point a bully ought to be satiated .

A bully, in turn , will fear and avoid those who can choose whether , or not , they want to squash him .

And somebody , somewhere , will be able to . Get particular on his ass , dont break your knuckles .

Words have more power , so negotiate , eg , _if , you dont # off now , _then , xyz , that I know you dont like .

Also, there can be many reasons to own this power yourself . A psychological boost is that the bully doesnt really know who he is dealing with .Or how many . Keep it in mind , I own the power of restraint here , and the battle is half won . You might realise you actually do .

Originally posted by SibylofErythrae
Great topic.

One of the most effective ways to contain bullies relies less on dealing with the bully than on challenging the bystanders. The Bystander Effect gives bullies a feeling of power and encouragement, while even minor engagement of the bystanders' disapproval has a profound effect.

Bullying is REWARDING.



Before we all get all high and mighty about this though, we should know that the brains of bullies and the bullied are rocking the same social problems. While people tend to think that the bullied are socially challenged, the brains of bullies and the bullied are very similar only bullies are short on problem-solving skills. Which begs the question, would teaching social problem solving skills be a good skill set to put into schooling?

How many problems in education settings could be solved by the early introduction of social skills and social problem solving for children? On teaching children to challenge their tendency to be bystanders. Parents will scream about it of course as brainwashing, but the early introduction of social skills problem solving could also be seen a being a way of introducing simple easy to grasp critical thinking skills.

Links to the Dare to Care program video, aimed at children and parents:
vimeo.com...

www.ethnopolitics.org...
greatergood.berkeley.edu...

edit on 27-5-2012 by SibylofErythrae because: (no reason given)

An EXCELLENT point!!! Thank you for adding that in to the discussion!I like how you think. There are also people with brains more wired towards a lack of impulse control and aggressive behavior. Teaching alternatives to knee jerk reactions might really change lives for some of these kids, not to mention the ones they bully. Great post!!! - Peace, AB

Originally posted by ZIPMATT

Originally posted by LightsideAssassin
We will just have to agree to disagree. Those who turn the other cheek tend to wind up with 2 swollen cheeks

I dont think you or others who would defend hitting out have experienced this situation . Let alone twice . Most people , before training , are all talk . I met a great big rugby player at kickboxing classes and was he very frustrated that a little gardener like me was running rings round him . That was until he had learned to fight , whence he was a much more fearsome opponent .

It takes physical effort and mental willpower which most people dont have to learn to fight / defend yourself properly. When I speak of the option of restraint , and keeping that sacrosanct , its exactly what i mean . When you can fight/ defend yourself properly , and you realise what fighting means , you own _ the option of restraint . And you would be much more likely to use this option , knowing the damage you can do with just one punch .

If you are weak , you dont own that option . /its frustrating isnt it . But that's life , sorry about that .. Feigning it .. its better than being bullied I guess , even if your first efforts are unsucessful as is very likely ..

edit on 28-5-2012 by ZIPMATT because: restRaint

Lol. I have experienced it. Once had a much larger than me "friend" who delighted in treating everything I said as a lie. Finally had enough one night at our weekly poker game and got in his face. He threw me against a wall. I charged him, other guys broke it up. He called me later that night to apologize. We aren't friends now, but he showed more respect after that. I could give other examples. And I stand by what I said. Absent a willingness to respond to violence with violence, this particular bully would have continued his behavior. Sorry, it's the best way. And, since then I have gotten training. Bujinkan, specifically.