How Do You Stop a Bully?

It depends on whether or not you're dealing with a psychopath, or somebody who can be reasoned with.

If the latter, you've got some hope. Find out what motivates them, and how they think, if you can. That should tell you something about why they're bullying you, and you can devise a solution from there. Some people will view you as a rival, or a threat to their means of obtaining something they want.

Sometimes people can also experience peer pressure to bully you, in order to maintain their own acceptability within another social group, if you are an outcast. Such people might really want to be friends with you, and the reason why they are being compelled to bully you by the group, is because that group's leader will have actually noticed that, and so will want the person to bully you as proof that they view you in the same way that the rest of the group does.

If you're dealing with a psychopath, on the other hand, there is only one solution that I've ever found to work; and that is overwhelming physical force. A psychopath needs to be made to believe that they will die if they do not cease attacking you. I had to use that approach a couple of times at high school, when several months of attempting to communicate with the individuals in question failed to work. That is also the main reason why I've remained unemployed, however, because I know what would happen to me if I tried using that approach as an adult.

reply to post by survivaloftheslickest


Take the fearless approach. Most bullies seem to lack basic analytical skills and objectivity. So beat them at their own game.

reply to post by survivaloftheslickest


When I was a kid at my high school, I was one of the toughest kids in school. When I saw a nerdy lil kid going thru hell getting bullied everyday ? Say getting snapped with towels in the P.E. locker room, to the point he wouldn't suit up anymore. I and I mean me alone, put an end to that crap immediatly. I didn't care that I was playing the hero. I just couldn't stand by and watch another kid go thru hell everyday of is life when life was already tough enough.
Long story short, bullies understand one thing. Consequence ! They only bully when there is no consequence.
When I saw what was going on with the lil guy who was unlucky enough to have his locker right in between these two idiots. I violently showed them both consequence. Without hurting either one of them. They never touched that kid again.

Bullys only bully cause thier idiots who have nothing to fear. That lil guy suited up everyday after that and even played football with us. Followed me around for months.

Originally posted by CodyOutlaw
reply to post by mobiusmale

 

Psychopaths? I do believe that is not even considered a diagnosis anymore.

I'm assuming you think they became angry in a vacuum?
That Columbine was not a toxic environment?


For me, High School was unbearable because of douchebag jocks and the faculty that protected them. I remember when Columbine came on the news on 4/20/99. I turned to my roommate and said,
"I'd wanted to do that every single day for four years."
He said, "But you didn't."
I said, "I was lazy. These guys weren't"

Politically correct, or appropriate, are not traits I possess.
And I stand by that.

I think you are correct that, strictly speaking "Psychopathy" as a personality disorder is loosely defined, and there is no generally accepted medical definition of it. But I was more using the term in the common sense of describing a person when they do something extremely heinous to other human beings.

And...I would certainly be accepting of the idea that many/most habitual bullies probably fit this description as well.

Having said all that...just...wow. The rest of your post is unsettling on many levels.

1) I am very sorry for the pain that you experienced throughout your High School years. This is a critical time period in anyone's life - and should be one that can be remembered with a lot of fondness and happy memories. You had a lot more stolen from you than I am sure most people realize.
2) I have little doubt that Columbine, for the perpetrators of the massacre, was a "toxic" social environment. Public School, High School and College are toxic for many people...if they don't happen to possess the skills, or looks, or money, etc. that allow them to exist in the "cool zone" of those micro-societies. For that matter, there are a lot of families, workplaces, clubs etc. that are emotionally toxic to people who are on "the fringe" - and by fringe, I don't mean there is anything wrong with them...only that they do not "fit in", or are not "accepted".
3) There are many, many ways of dealing with social problems...and I won't try to define them all here. But picking up weapons, and entering that "toxic area" and murdering people is not the right way to deal with the difficulty. In the first place, innocent people will die or be injured. In the second place, the person resorting to deadly violence ends up destroying their own life...and eliminating any possibility of their own happiness.

Here are some things to keep in mind:

a) High School is not real life. What happens there, what people say and do...two years later...will mean nothing.
b) The easiest way to deal with a toxic environment is to remove yourself from it, at the very first opportunity. Everybody "belongs" somewhere. Everybody "fits in" with some crowd. Run toward what makes you happy...run away from what makes you feel pain.
c) After one is exposed to toxins...especially for extended periods...one often needs treatment to cleanse the system of the after-effects. Do not avoid seeking out, and accepting, treatment for your injuries.

I applaud you for your "laziness". You did not hurt anyone else. You survived the ordeal...and have a much sharper sense of right and wrong now than many others. You know what it feels like to have to endure the insensitivity of others...and so you may be able to better avoid doing the same to others.

You are still here (not dead, not in jail) !! So, you are still in a position to put these bad days behind you...to learn from them...to live a long and productive life.

I applaud your laziness. Well done...again sorry for your loss and your pain. Now onward and upward !

the first bully I put a stop to by grabbing his hand and crushing his fingers as hard as I could.
I was never bullied again.

I don't let it get to that point.. I see myself as a Predator ever since, no longer prey for anyone.

reply to post by survivaloftheslickest


Depends on the situation.

If it's a child, he/she SHOULD BE able to report it to the teacher and have it stopped. But teachers usually don't care because they are not paid enough or simply don't care.

Some teachers bully and ostracize a child themselves because the child is a "problem" (ADHD, etc) and adds to their workload.

If you are an adult and earning close to $50,000 a year like I was for over a decade under a really tyrannical boss, there isn't much you can do about it other than switch to another department (most managers and top people in my company were bullies, that was that company's management style) or switch to another company.

With our boss (my job was outsourced almost two years ago............. The best way I handled her was to keep my head down, my mouth shut and do exactly what I was told.

This particular person was prejudice against white people, as she was Hispanic and favored Hispanic and Blacks. Now many people will say this is a prejudice statement. I can only add that if you were Black or Hispanic you could talk on the phone with your friends for hours, bring in your own lap top, wear sneakers, or break "the many rules" here and there.

I am White and was made to follow the "letter of the law" exactly every single minute of every single day with no questions asked. In my opinion and that of three other previous employees that were White, yes this woman was clearly prejudice against White people. But proving it, would take, time, money, a good lawyer, years and having the three people agree to testify which two said they wouldn't.

People say, oh go to HR...A big joke. Our HR Department's sent reply was "Talk with your manager or the boss you are having problems with". In short, "We don't want to become involved."

Again, I can only give you my own experience and with the company I worked under for 16 years. The last ten years were a living hell as this last "Director" was a real bully. She looked for problems. And I walked a straight line.

No reading e-books at lunch on a company PC
You could not bring in your own lap top to read a e-book on your lunch hour
No wallpaper on your PC but the company logo
I had to surf the net for State Forms, but a monthly report was printed out on each and every site I went to and if any site was not "state related" I was questioned about it.
For those of you posting on ATS during company time on a company PC, you are very lucky......I could never have gotten away with that.
If you went to the bathroom to many times or took longer than 4 minutes she made a comment
You were encouraged not to talk with fellow employees at all, she wanted everyone to go through her.
No animal hair on your clothes, heaven forbid if your dog rubbed against you to tell you good bye, I always kept a lint brush in my desk.
Shoes had to always be polished
No jeans ever
No tennis shoes or sneakers
No tee shirts
(Note I did reports and only once in my last ten years under this lady ever have a client meet us for a prearranged lunch).
She picked apart anything and everything she could from e-mails to looking for problems where there weren't any to justify her $110,000 year job.
The more I tried to please her the harder she would try to find something to pick apart.
It took "Team India" about a year to learn my job function
I still nightmare about this lady unless I take 1/2 Valium at night.
All of my reviews were "exceeds expectations" and yes we were rated on accuracy for our reports.
My accuracy rate was 98% because I always stayed late and double checked every single figure.

You do what you can do.

If you are a older woman with only two years of college (no degree) your options are limited.

I will say one thing.

The day I left her and my manager cried and I left on good terms because I kept my mouth shut, was pleasant and never challenged her.

Now you have to know the psychology of your bully.

With my last boss, if she even thought you were going to challenge her, you were gone and I mean gone fast.

With OT I usually made close to $50,000 a year.

When I was leaving they asked me if I would remain part time during their busy period and I told them no thank you.

Because my last boss was so brutal, she was really a psychological bully, at this point, I would rather go homeless than have to go back to working under such a jerk.

Keep in mind with a boss, they have the company behind them - companies all have the very best lawyers and trying to prove psychological abuse is next to impossible.

Some good books to get that might help you are:

* Surviving Your Boss by Ann D. Clark, PH.D., and Patt Perkins
* Bully In Sight, How to predict, resist, challenge and combat workplace bullying by Tim Field
* Dealing With People You Can't Stand by Dr. Rick Brinkman & Dr. Rick Kirschner
* Mobbing Emotional Abuse in the American Workplace.

With our boss, she always had to have a whipping person.

Case in point, we had a really young, handsome Cuban man that would go missing from his desk for a hour at a time, she didn't seem to notice until a e-mail was brought to her attention he was having sex on the stairwell.

This boss placed his desk where she could not watch him come and go.

Me, who never left my desk except to go to the bathroom about three times in 9 hours was placed directly in her line of view and each time I stood up to leave she would make sure I knew she was watching me.

Personally with this type of narcissist psychopath, I found the best way to handle her was the Asian way of "least resistance".............to remain quiet, let her think she was in complete control and just do my work as best as I could.

Bullying is a real issue.

But, usually the ones that bully are the incompetent ones that need to make themself look good by discrediting others, it's a game politicians use too.

The ones that do the real work, are so busy doing the real work, they don't have time for the "head games".

I'm not a manipulative person, I'm a straight forward, hard working and try to get along person.

In the work place a lot of people will say "Oh sure take em on, don't let them bully you.....blah blah blah"

Well, jobs, good paying jobs are getting harder and harder to find. Sometimes you have to put up with a certain amount of bs.

I don't miss office politics and am glad, even though I have less money, I am happy I do not have to deal with that group of back stabbers any more.

I actually wake up each morning and the first thought that comes into my head is "Thank God, I don't have to go to that hell hole ever again."

Now, my husband works for a public service company that is partially government funded and although he is a boss, he is held accountable for his time and treatment of everyone. Unlike a private company where bosses can do whatever they please as long as the "big boys" profit.

Again, everyone out there will have their own opinion based on their own experience.

When I worked for other companies it was a totally different story but that was years ago when bullying wasn't as prevalent.

Now that I am free, I will never allow myself to be bullied again.

That is why everyone wants to be rich, aside from being able to buy nice stuff.

With money you can dictate whom you deal with and whom you don't have to deal with.

Now, I have really nice neighbors, a nice mail person, nice sanitation pick up people, everyone I deal with is a pleasant experience, very rarely do I have to ever deal with a nasty person.

I'm lucky my husband makes enough that I no longer have to deal with "Snakes in Suits" (another good book.)

reply to post by CodyOutlaw


reply to post by CodyOutlaw


I gave you a star for both of those posts. Sometimes the bullying is so pervasive and out of control and "the administration" just doesn't want to deal with it.

When your bullies are many, your options are few.

Martial arts are always the best way to combat these people. Akido is the best so your skill redirect your opponents force and do the least harm.A harder style like Karate or Tie Kwon Do would be injurious if employed by a novice student.Chinese arts are very complex and require a lot more time to learn. Ninjitsu is touch and go depending on the instructor. Judo is quite simple but when the other guy hits the ground it can be a bit much say in a school or library.Or he may land on a hard surface injuring him.Boxing is also injurious.

reply to post by ofhumandescent

I got fired by one of these about a month after she took over,after having worked for Adelphia for 9 years.I had a 1/6 M60 machine gun toy on my monitor and she (A bit emotionally) Told me to "get that gun out of the office"! I looked around to see what she was talking about and she pointed to the toy.I said "Ha you're kidding right?" and we went down hill from there.I worked graveyards as a dispatcher and she loved having 8:00 meetings and correcting me when I started to fall asleep.She talked like she was talking to children and it drove me crazy which was the purpose as she was a college volleyball coach before she showed up there.I responded like I would to any leader and she didn't like that either.She bristled at the word Ma'am.I also asked her if she realized I was a big adult and she could speck to me as one.She got all wide eyed and claimed not to know what I was talking about.She was my first PC person.What a joke.
She got fired 3 months later.

Originally posted by cavtrooper7
Martial arts are always the best way to combat these people. Akido is the best so your skill redirect your opponents force and do the least harm.A harder style like Karate or Tie Kwon Do would be injurious if employed by a novice student.Chinese arts are very complex and require a lot more time to learn. Ninjitsu is touch and go depending on the instructor. Judo is quite simple but when the other guy hits the ground it can be a bit much say in a school or library.Or he may land on a hard surface injuring him.Boxing is also injurious.

I am a Jeet Kune Do practicioner myself. (yes, Bruce Lee's art)
covers all of those arts into one loose 'style'. by far my favorite, love me some timed counters.

reply to post by cavtrooper7


Don't you just love it when a boss talks to you like you are retarded when you know you have at least 20 point higher IQ then them!

For anyone out there as a warning, learn on your first day who has the real power and what they like and don't like. And yes, try to get along because they unfortunately are calling the shots.

Companies, rule not people. And top level managers have the corporate lawyers behind them.

reply to post by cavtrooper7

when I started to fall asleep.

That would have been grounds for immediate dismissal for me at my company but I worked day shift.

When I was in nursing, on nights if we "started to fall asleep" we would have been immediately fired on the spot.

reply to post by yourmaker


Give me a break, right and be:

1) Fired
2) Convicted of assault.

Bullying is not funny.

Your reply was sarcastic and trying to make a joke out of something that millions of victims endure everyday.

Use a red towel to draw their attention away from you.

reply to post by mobiusmale

2) I have little doubt that Columbine, for the perpetrators of the massacre, was a "toxic" social environment. Public School, High School and College are toxic for many people...if they don't happen to possess the skills, or looks, or money, etc. that allow them to exist in the "cool zone" of those micro-societies. For that matter, there are a lot of families, workplaces, clubs etc. that are emotionally toxic to people who are on "the fringe" - and by fringe, I don't mean there is anything wrong with them...only that they do not "fit in", or are not "accepted".

First my heart goes out to any and all victims of mass shootings.

BUT

I can understand people who are allowed to be picked on year after year after year because "they are different" not like a Barbie or Ken doll and then explode and everyone wonders............geeee wonder what happened.

Not saying it is right, but if one does the research, most people that go postal were bullied and just couldn't take it.

When my oldest was around 8 I came to pick him up from school and found a big fat 10 year old on top of him. The kid was about as big as me, I was 5'3" and weighted about 118 pounds.

I grabbed the kid off my son, slammed him down on the ground and sat on him like he had been sitting on my son and said, "you ever touch my kid again, I swear I will kill you."

Now, I had previously gone to the school and told them about this kid and their reply was, "Off school property, past 3:00 PM, not our problem".

Not saying what I did was right but the kid left my oldest son alone after that.

My oldest has ADHD and the two youngest are autistic.

All three were bullied in school.

My youngest got the best education when he dropped out of highschool and got his GED via on line and mail through Phoenix.

It was expensive but he got a really good education.

Another example.

In First Grade..............my grand daughter comes home and tells me, I was voted second prettiest girl in the class.

WTF

It starts in First Grade and some of it is based on looks and intelligence.

Just like a bunch of hens pecking the deformed one to death...........humans are no better.

reply to post by randyvs


A star for your courage and bravery.

Originally posted by ofhumandescent
reply to post by yourmaker

 

Give me a break, right and be:

1) Fired
2) Convicted of assault.

Bullying is not funny.

Your reply was sarcastic and trying to make a joke out of something that millions of victims endure everyday.

are you sure you're replying to the right person?
where is the joke I made or sarcastic remark?

I said that I stopped a bully by crushing fingers, and I changed my mindset....whats the problem?
I never said bullying the funny...i've been the victim of the some really hateful stuff, but I took it all back...

you are seriously too sensitive if you WERE replying to me...

Originally posted by ofhumandescent
reply to post by survivaloftheslickest

 

Again, I can only give you my own experience and with the company I worked under for 16 years. The last ten years were a living hell as this last "Director" was a real bully. She looked for problems. And I walked a straight line.

As I've said many times before, that type are the reason why I never want to become employed.

reply to post by ofhumandescent


The best way to combat these mentalities are to go "Spock" on them betray 0% emotions no matter how they seem to flip out it drives them CRAZY that they can't get a rise out of you.Use your vocabulary as best you can elaborate wording makes everyone think you believe you are better than them for some stupid reason but this really works and is fun to watch.

Gran him on the achielies tendant wit the one hand and with the other push back on the knee. One he's on the ground grab him by the throat withe the left hand and punch as fast and hard as you can with the right.

Effective.

Point is, bully's ONLY stop when the one being bullied stands up for himself, even when he loses. No talking it out, no making a truce. Only this; stand up for yourslef.

It makes me proud to think that somewhere right now, some little kid is beating the crap out of his bully.


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