reply to post by SoulVoid
Am deeply grieved to read your heart-felt and devastatingly touching narrative.
Thanks for the honor of reading it.
I would prefer to respond by PM but will note some things here.
1. You wife clearly has more craziness than you can solve in probably several decades. And that would be with HER TRYING pretty hard. You just don't
have the training or skills. And, folks with the training and skills may well not be able to do much with her.
2. You have not given much from which to assess her psychologically. However, it is clear that she is unable/unwilling but mostly unable in most
respects, to maintain a balanced, committed, solid, devoted, loving relationship long term.
3. I would lay aside all the new age, frequency, etc. stuff. That's certainly an opinion . . . my opinion . . . I just have never observed it do
anything but muck stuff up further in such situations--certainly it tends to add to the confusion if not the discord, tensions etc. and the
inexplicable negative 'stuff' that 'just happens.'
4. Regardless of what psychodynamic DSM IV label someone interviewing your wife might come up with . . . the inconsistencies and selfish stuff coupled
with the stinkin' thinkin' of depression are a full plate. She might well profit from COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY or some of it's specific
offshoots tailored to her set of problems.
5. However, it's dogged work even with skilled professionals. She may well not be disciplined enough or desperate enough to persist with such a
process. Taking the easy way out is an epidemic in our culture. Folks just do not realize until way to late that the consequences and price of taking
the easy way out is far from easy to pay.
6. You have suffered your own shreddings emotionally and otherwise. You cannot take care of anyone else, including your daughter, to much of any
degree, unless and until you take care of yourself sufficiently to have something to take care of your daughter WITH.
7. How can your daughter or wife or employer or customers or friends respect you if you don't respect yourself sufficiently to take care of
8. Doggedly putting one foot in front of the other until you slowly walk or crawl out of this long dark night of the soul may be where you are. If so,
DO THAT. There's no viable choice otherwise for your daughter to have any access to her desperately needed father.
9. ACTING AS THOUGH you respect yourself--sufficiently to do RESPECTABLE THINGS is a good way to grow in that department. DO THINGS THAT YOU KNOW YOU
WOULD RESPECT YOURSELF FOR DOING. AVOID THINGS THAT DIMINISH YOUR STATURE IN YOUR OWN EYES. Ignore what most other people may think about you. Do not
even think about what they MIGHT think about you. Their problem. Don't make it yours.
10. Yes, it is HARD. Life currently is hard for most people and not likely to get better in the short term. HOWEVER, WE HAVE THE CAPACITY TO LOVE
THOSE WE CARE ABOUT. THAT'S PRICELESS AND WORTH DOING--FOR THEIR SAKE AND OUR SAKE. Loving is one of the biggest kicks.
11. It's OK to love even the unloveable--a big merit, actually. However, it's NOT CONSTRUCTIVE TO THEM to ENABLE them to be self-destructive or to
enable them to treat you like a door mat or manure pile. Distance yourself from such words and actions--and if fitting, from such people.
12. Avoid negative people more or less at all cost whenever the least bit fitting. You cannot afford them at this time.
13. If you have to go to hobby, craft, art groups, clubs or classes to meet some positive people . . . or even, gasp, some *HEALTHY* balanced, humble,
warm, friendly CHURCHES--then do so. YOU NEED CONSTRUCTIVE, POSITIVE PEOPLE who will help lift you up and encourage you. They may be hard to find but
they are worth it--even essential to find and build relationships with.
14. When you cannot see your daughter--if she's too young to read, get her a fuzzy cheap toy. If she can read, write a 4 X 6 card of loving words to
her every day. If you can't mail it safely to be sure she gets it--then wait and give a handful of them to her when you see her. It gives you a good
thing to do toward her and it gives her solid evidence you were thinking about her when she wasn't with you.
15. Try and develop 4-7 friendships who will support your calling them whenever you need to from hurt, anger, depression--whatever. AND CALL THEM when
16. During one of my long dark nights of the soul, window shopping with pauses to chat briefly with the more positive clerks who knew me was almost
the only warm human contact I had for many months. If that's the best you can do in the short term, do that.
17. It's wonderful to feel better about yourself. One of the things that most helped me out of my pit was reaching out to people who were also
hurting--old folks, poor etc.--just listening. no chractrs