My story: My Up and Down life

Hello ATSers, I thought it may be a good time to share some of my life experience and where it has led me to this very day. It is not a happy story, from my point of view anyway and some of the things that will be taking place for me over the next year are going to impact my life hard. Any advice or help would be much appreciated. I am going to be very honest about some of the events that have taken place and before I go on the regret, sadness and a certain thing I have done have destroyed my life from here on in.Growing up I was always an over confident kid. Always the class clown, getting booted out of class for being a smart-ass but a very smart person. I had a very good mathematical mind and always seemed to excel when it come to the subject. One of the hardest things that I have kept secret is an incidient that I did not think much of until I began to get older and realise what had actually happened.

I wouldn't say I was sexually assaulted, but a grown man for a split second thought it was ok to do something to me without realising it would stay with me for the rest of my life. I won't go into detail but the thought of it makes me rage and has ever since. Knowing the same person tried to run my best friend at the time down in a 4WD made me angrier, but I never told him what happened to me and I wouldn't tell anyone until roughly 20 years later. Through my teenage years I became a bit of a nuisence. Always getting into trouble, nothing major, just kids things If thats what you want to call it. This followed me through until I became an adult and every year or so I would find myself fighting in court. I left school when I was 17, was a very good football player/dart player and things were good. I moved to another town began to work and it seemed things were heading down the right track.

I met my future wife around the same time. We did everything together from the time we met and had two beautiful daughters in 2003 and 2005. In 2005 I was in trouble again from a prior charge. I spent 3 months in jail and that was long enough for me to never want to go back. It was certainly a different experience. Within a month of me getting out, I married my girlfriend.From this point on things seemed to spiral down hill. I don't know whether it was the added pressure of children or the entire responsibility all together, but something was and has not been right ever since. Because we were so young when we hooked up, maybe we began to see the sides of each other that we didn't see at first, maybe it was just me, or her. From this point on, on average we would seperate once a year. I'm not kidding.

In 2007 I began to hit the cannabis hard. It affected everything in my life, job, relationship, my mental state. 2007 was the year i began getting into the conspiricies and with that I became obsessed with it to the point I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I thought that I was deciphering things that were not there amongst other things. My wife could not take it anymore, rang my parents and had me commited for a week to try and get me back on track. The medication worked for a while but i found it also impacting my ability to work and think clearly, so when i thought i was OK, I came off them. I was diagnosed with psychosis so it was probably not the best thing to do.

Things again seemed to be OK, every now and then I would get a panic attack and have to get back on my tablets, but I thought that i could beat this on my own and for a few years it worked. Finding this website has also played its part in helping me understand the things I couldn't previously. Things didn't seem to improve in the relationship though.Something changed in me which I can't explain completely. I stopped going out, became very awkward to be around. My insecurities started eating me alive and it began to effect everyone around me. I would find myself up and down. Happy one day and then depressed as quick as I was happy. I began to get very agitated towards anyone that would not agree with me or challenge me. My wife copped the worst of it and it did take its toll. We would always be fighting, arguing and this year things took a turn for the worse.

My wife was a bad drunk. When ever she was drunk, she would always bring up the past and that was something that really ate at me. She would constantly do this and sometimes I actually told myself she was doing it on purpose. Eventually I got sick of it and started to give a bit back. I'm not very good when it comes to an argument so I would say irrational things that I knew would p!ss her off. To me it was just a "how do you like it" sort of thing.
I started to believe that she didn't love me anymore, accused her of cheating on me and pretty much anything that would make me feel better. The anger just kept building until I couldn't take it no more. Only 7 weeks ago I got home from work and she was drinking. I had to go out that night and I had a few beers as well. I got home and she was still there drinking away. We got into a stupid argument which led to me hitting her 2-3 times.

I had not spoke to her until today and now fully understand what I have done to my family and especially her. All because of my stupid judgement I have been charged with unlawful assault and a couple of others as well. Child protection has been brought in and I have not seen my kids since. I spoke to them today and I will see them next weekend. The only thing I can remember from the incident is seeing the sadness on her face and now that thought will haunt me for the rest of my life and I deserve it.

I went to my doctor to find out what the hell was going on and done a test to find out that I am suffering from manic depression. Bipolar1. The symptoms that I had carried around for so long, I never thought that they had a label. I thought it was just a normal thing. Some days I would wake up and want to take on the world. Others, I would be on the couch all day just doing nothing. Minor things irritate me from peoples BS to things that maybe I should care about a bit more. Everything is annoying to me and I don't know why. Maybe I just look at the negative things instead of the positives all the time I don't know.

Anyway I have been charged with what I done, have been diagnosed with Bipolar and now am fighting to stay out of jail again. I am depressed, regretful and wish I could take the last 2 months back. I love my ex wife but I know we can't be together anymore. We have to think about our kids before ourselves and I'm glad that I am getting to see them before I possibly depart for another holiday. But there is another part to this story that I am worried about. It is the part about the man who thought he would fiddle with me. He is in jail, I know which one and I am temped to send myself out there and get some payback. This is something that has been on my mind for a very long time and only last year did I build up the courage to tell someone. Maybe this was the underlying factor that destroyed me up until now. Who knows, but I know if I get the pleasure of meeting that child fiddler again, I may be doing a bit more time. Sorry if this is boring, but I cant fit anymore in between the gaps. This is like a life long vent for me and I have never told anyone about my life or the way I feel. My anxiety/depression has led to the break down of my relationship. To anyone out there struggling, don't be afraid to talk to someone. It could be the difference.

Sorry if the OP seems rushed or clammed up. It sort of reflects me in a way I guess. It may not seem like a big deal to other people but there is more that I can't fit into the post right now. The anger, sadness and everything in this post are real. These are all the things that have made me what I am up until 7 weeks ago. I hope I learn from what I have done and I hope that my ex wife can forgive me and lead a happy life as well. Its hard losing your best friend and even harder knowing that its all over because I didn't do what needed to be done in time. To the people who read thanks, I needed to get this off my chest..

It's rare that I find myself at a lack for words.

I wish you the best, and hope you get back on solid ground. I'm also glad you got all that off your chest. That was way too much to hold inside. Kudos to you for being able to share!