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Affairs and adultery: How does it affect the children?

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posted on May, 18 2012 @ 11:57 PM
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Western society has had a lot of discussion around divorce since films like Kramer vs. Kramer.

However, what about the affair that causes a lot of drama for years, but the parents do not necessarily get divorced?

Does the age of the child matter, or is there an age where an affair should no longer hurt a child?

A magazine article I saw today claimed that affairs can hurt children in emotional ways, no matter what age they are when they find out.

I suppose however it's worse catching a parent in the act, and then covering that up, or reporting it to the other parent.

Some affairs can drag on for long periods, where the spouses are constantly fighting and reconciling.
Is that good for the children?
Is it better than having a divorce?

What's your experience or opinion on the matter?




posted on May, 19 2012 @ 12:05 AM
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reply to post by halfoldman
 


When my father threw out my mother for new (bleep!), it soul crushed me. I know she (mom) wasn't perfect. We all have our faults. But he didn't care. He didn't care about the pain, sufferance or confusion it caused to our family. The only thing he cared about was his own damn self.
We weren't good enough. That's what it boiled down to. So he made a change in his life that affected all of us without consideration or concern about what the long term effects would be.
I'm not saying everyone should stay married. But in my case...there was no real cause for it other than selfishness, and it literally destroyed a family.
So, a final note that will no doubt be edited due to profanity (though it's the only words that fit, so...take it for what you will.) # AN ADULTERIOUS WHORE WHO DESTORIES FAMILIES JUST SO THAT BITCH HAS A PLACE TO LIVE.

Sorry...follow my avatar's advice and IGNORE ME!!!
edit on 19-5-2012 by Lasr1oftheJedi because: ats is too cool to ban just off a few swears...I was just moody...and changed it approperately to "edited" instead of "banned". The blood was hot. But I know you guys better than that...sorry..didn't mean to be rude.



posted on May, 19 2012 @ 12:34 AM
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reply to post by halfoldman
 


Dear halfoldman,

When my wife cheated on me, my children were all adults and it still changed their lives and even how they viewed themselves. My ex-wife's sister decided to then cheat on her husband a year after the ex cheated on me. She had two children of 4 and 7. The 7 year old (a boy) took it harder than his sister. What I am trying to say is that at around 4 or 5, kids can adjust easier. Adultery isn't just against your spouse, it is against everyone who is part of your family or associated with you and your family unit.

I was just talking to one of my children tonight (she is visiting me) and apparently my ex, her mother, has found someone she wants to move in with (the guy she cheated on me with dumped her as soon as she asked for the divorce). It has been 5 years since everything happened. She also told my daughter about how she had cheated on me (she used to deny it) and what had really happened and that she regretted it. It allowed their relationship to heal, she has not admitted it to the other two to my knowledge. The point is, even after the affair, the children still suffer until the truth is admitted and dealt with.

EDIT: I have to add something. I personally am okay with the ex finding someone new and am glad that the original guy dumped her. He never wanted to be with her in the first place and I am guessing the ex told the new guy what had happened or she wouldn't have told my daughter. Now, I have to wonder if she is going to tell me and if she does, I will tell her I forgave her a long time ago.
edit on 19-5-2012 by AQuestion because: clarification



posted on May, 19 2012 @ 12:52 AM
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Thanks for sharing!

I've thought often about when life just seemed to stop, and I never really thought about it in that way.

I think it has a huge impact on even adult children.

Then one can try to sympathize, and hears the self-justifications: I worked so hard for you all, I also deserve this happiness.

It's not like all spouses even feel the need to hide it, some want it recognized in a way.
Perhaps some men feel they deserve two women?

Maybe for some it's a power or youth thing.
They feel younger with a younger partner?

I always felt it wouldn't affect me, because I had a "hippy world-view" and didn't care, and ultimately the other partner chooses to stay (which is also morally complex), but I think I was more conservative than I thought, and I did judge, and it does hurt.
I wonder sometimes how it can ever be made right again.
edit on 19-5-2012 by halfoldman because: (no reason given)

edit on 19-5-2012 by halfoldman because: (no reason given)



posted on May, 19 2012 @ 01:24 AM
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Back in 1994, I had a brief affair with a married woman, which was later instrumental in her losing custody of her children for four years. Yeah, I'd say it affects the children.



posted on May, 19 2012 @ 01:59 AM
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Originally posted by halfoldman
I wonder sometimes how it can ever be made right again.
edit on 19-5-2012 by halfoldman because: (no reason given)

edit on 19-5-2012 by halfoldman because: (no reason given)


Not to be an a-hole or troll... but no...no it can't. You can't cut someone to the quick and then be like, "my bad, didnt mean to."

Once you take only yourself into account. Once you fore go the responsibilities and obligations for self-gratification, you cause a wound that not only hits the next generation, but perhaps several to follow. All for your own pleasure. Instead of having the courage to repair what needs to the be done to stay responsible to the obligation you literally created in the children you created.

Just my two cents...though..that's gotta be worth a dime atleast...



posted on May, 19 2012 @ 03:25 AM
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Originally posted by Lasr1oftheJedi

Originally posted by halfoldman
I wonder sometimes how it can ever be made right again.
edit on 19-5-2012 by halfoldman because: (no reason given)

edit on 19-5-2012 by halfoldman because: (no reason given)


Not to be an a-hole or troll... but no...no it can't. You can't cut someone to the quick and then be like, "my bad, didnt mean to."

Once you take only yourself into account. Once you fore go the responsibilities and obligations for self-gratification, you cause a wound that not only hits the next generation, but perhaps several to follow. All for your own pleasure. Instead of having the courage to repair what needs to the be done to stay responsible to the obligation you literally created in the children you created.

Just my two cents...though..that's gotta be worth a dime atleast...


Dear Last1oftheJedi,

I will ask you to please read what I wrote earlier in the thread. My wife cheated on me and hurt my whole family and our friends; but, I forgave her. There has to be a place for healing or things never get better. To not forgive means that I would be harmful to my children and our families. Perhaps, I would have wished that this thread was about how you heal a family after such things occur; but, it was not. I do believe we can heal from adultery even we cannot prevent it and I think the kids can too. The question is how do we facilitate such a thing? Our spouses should be faithful and the truth is that sometimes they are not. The issue then becomes, how do you make it better for everyone, how do you heal. We shouldn't want our kids to pay more of a price than is necessary. Peace.



posted on May, 19 2012 @ 01:38 PM
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reply to post by halfoldman
 


Why are the children even involved? That is an adult matter.

if an affair happened and the parents decide to work on the marriage, which many do, then the children shouldnt even know.

any martial strife is going to affect kids.

affairs are a symptom, they are not the problem, the marriage was a problem before the affair happened.

IF they adults decide to reconcile, they must work on those problems,they must both commit to it fully, and BOTH must accept their responsibility in the failing of the marriage.

So it doesnt matter whether the problem is an affair, a spouse hiding money, or some other grievance, it is the behavior of the parents that affect the children.

they need to put the children first and make sure those children feel secure and safe and that the parents love them and love each other.

this applies to divorce as well. it is the parents responsibility to mitigate as much harm as possible. appear as a united frot ot the children.let the children know that they love each other still , and make the transition as smooth as poosible adn do not involve the children!!



posted on May, 19 2012 @ 01:50 PM
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reply to post by halfoldman
 


Men and women affair for different reasons.
men, it can be gettign fired from a job, low self esteem, it can have to do anything but have nothing to do with the marriage. in fact, a lot of men in affairs that were surveyed said they were happy in the marriage and happy with teh sex life. what they do is use the affair like a drug, or alcohol, to smooth over emotional pains. which is why the can say she meant nothing to them, no more then the empty bottle of alchohol.

though marial problems can also be a cause. or it could be unmet sexual needs.

i watched a show where a counselor was telling the wives of 911 police officers and firefighters,, said; a lot of your husbands are going to have affairs, prepare yourselves for it. it has nothing to do with the marriage, it is to cover the hurt.

when wives are hurt, they are hurt more by any emotional bonding then physical bonding. not that the physical affair didnt hurt, the emotional hurt is worse. which is why the first question usually is, do you love her/

now women tend to affiar more because of the marriage, and that they are unhappy. there is lower reconciliation when the wife affairs, becuse men are more threatened by the physical infidelity, not the emotional.And there is more ego involved.



posted on May, 19 2012 @ 01:52 PM
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reply to post by halfoldman
 


i take it you have been hurt by an affair, though you haven't given much detail.

i have been on many sides of this issue and understand it thoroughly, it seems your empathetic and truley want to understand what is happening.

first, there is a wonderful support site that has forums for every angle, called www.survivinginfidelity.com.

it saved my life.

if you want any help or advice, please feel free to message me.



posted on May, 19 2012 @ 02:03 PM
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reply to post by AQuestion
 


how the wandering spouse handles it is absolutely key.

They must do everything in their power to earn your trust again. They literally must become an open book, giving all passwords, phone numbers, etc.go the extra mile to attend counseling, personal for them, couple for you, maybe personal for you.

but you both must accept responsbility in the failing of the marriage. And you are right, when grieving no longer serves a purpose, you must forgive.

marriages are often made much better after an affair, because the issues all around have been addressed, and you both start over again.

accept that an affair doesnt mean the whole marriage was a lie, especially if it was short term. unless your one of the unfortunate ones where there was a third party through the whole marriage.

the best thing you can do is both of you find new hobbies, new things to do together to start creating new memories.

i dealt with an affair. it nearly killed me. but we started going off roading and searching ghost towns as a new hobby in our reconciliation, and it was the best time we ever had.

it got to the point where friends of mine even said; i know the affair was horrible, but you two are so much happier now then couples who havent affaird but are still living like roommates.

affairs shouldn't end marriages, unless it becomes a chronic problem.


Treating monogamy, rather than honesty or joy or humor, as the main indicator of a successful marriage gives people unrealistic expectations of themselves and their partners. And that, Savage says, destroys more families than it saves.


married with infidelities

Redefine what is important in your marriage.

ad no, once a cheater is always a cheater isn't true. if you look on the webisite, there are boards for the wanderign spouse, and many will not ever cheat again.



posted on May, 20 2012 @ 11:13 AM
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As a married man who lives in a city with many flirty women this is one of my biggest problems to staying happily married. I used to love playing the field and women can be so beautiful its just heartbreaking sometimes I cant have my cake and eat it to. I love my wife and kids so I have managed to keep my head together but its tough and Canadian women for the most part love to party and have fun.

For the sake of my children I hope I never do anything that would hurt them but I can understand how this is the single hardest issue for men to deal with. We love beautiful women and when they love us it makes us feel special and alot of the times for some men having one at a time isnt good enough which I totaly understand.



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