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I don't know what this life is but.....

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posted on May, 18 2012 @ 03:07 PM
It is not what I thought or expected it to be. I am 29 years old and I can say one thing for sure that life has me confused, I cannot work it out, I do not know why it happens this way. I am quite a philosophical thinker by normal standards and I have always thought about why and how and what we are here for. Of course I have never had the answer but I have had many changing beliefs and opinions. I have been through Atheism, belief in Jesus and I have always believed in their being life beyond our own solar system but none of that means anything when you cannot work out what is happening with your own life.

I do not want to go into too many specifics but I have had a rollercoaster of a life with lots of things happening that may shock many but at the same time it wouldn't shock some because I am by no means the worst off person in the world. However we have to judge our own lives from our own perspective and you can only judge your life by what you see around you, so if my life is much harder than my peers I will feel hard done too but in reality my life is heaven compared to the poor in Swaziland. I realise that and I know that but it still doesn't take away my perspective and I can be hurt by my life feeling below standard compared to what I see around me.

Anyway I digress a little there but what I am really trying to find out is why we are here. Sure I have had the thoughts that many will have had in such that is this all just a test for a greater being? I have also had the obvious thought to some that is this place just what the bible describes as hell, and lets be honest there is plenty of evidence to support that theory at the moment. Anyway I ahve been too and throw with all of these thoughts and I have found no conclusion. I have been to hell and back literally, I have many personal demons that I wish to dispose of but have struggled with them for years. I have a beautiful wife and 2 beautiful daughters of which I could ask for no more, yet this world still brings me to distruct and consume myself and my family.

I want to know why? I am not asking for sympathy and I am not looking to disolve responsibility, my life has been my own and only I control it as far as I know. Yet I have struggled with gambling issues, I have struggled with depression, I have struggled with drugs and alcohol yet I can't explain why. I feel like I am on a railroad and I have no chance of turning away from the direction of that of which I am on. Life seems grey and dull yet difficult with everything seemingly conspiring against you. No such break of luck, no life changing situation to break the chains. No such luck. Luck, now theres a word, luck does not exist, no you do not make your own luck, things just happen the way you set them out to be. Gambling is not about luck, it is about addiction to the adreniline that it causes, you punish yourself in order to feel alive. There is no such thing as luck, what your mid desires is what your mind ends up getting. I will always lose on the lottery or on black jack because subconciously that is what I yearn and that is what I deserve to learn my very harsh and long lesson.

The more I feel down the more you look around at this world and see the bad things happening. The euro crisis, the American debt, the savagery still happening in Africa, legal slavery in the east and the fukishima disaster. It sends you stir crazy if you think about it enough and it feels like an effort to seek out the good news and find revality in life again. However I have learnt, it is there. Today I did the unthinkable for me, I accepted a food parcel from the salvation army. I have been crying out for help for 2 years, in one form or another yet I have never found true salvation. I have been to church, I have prayed to God but I realise none of this matters unless you believe in goodness. I am thankful for the man today that delivered 5 bags of food for me and my family, he did not know me, he just dropped them on my doorstep and said godbless.

This is not the first time I have witnessed such kindness from strangers. It has happened before. And today I realised that I could keep on watching the news and I could keep on listening to fear mongers on here but all of that will just make me depressed (more than I already clinically am). I will never see the goodness in people if I continue this way. Yet I will see the goodness in people if I reach out. I went through the first 29 years of my life thinking that everybody was out to get me and that the world was cruel. But you have to let the good people in because the bad will just gate crash your party anyway. Goodness is there, it is everywhere, you just have to find it.

Fear of the darkness and evil is the onlything that keeps it from having an effect on us good people. Do not fear the dark and embrace the good. Accept what will be will be and you will soon learn that you can find goodness in the most unlikely of places. Shun the media and shun your government, you need to seek out the good else where. God bless you all.

posted on May, 18 2012 @ 03:15 PM
reply to post by michael1983l

I felt the same thing. I studied physics at home, then i felt better cause it helped me understand better the universe. Entropy (chaos) is rising with each moments that passes.
Yet life is the highest structured thing in the universe and it's reproducing. Now instead of feeling gloomy I feel curious about the world and its chaos...

posted on May, 18 2012 @ 03:29 PM
reply to post by swan001

Chaos is all around us which makes it harder to find true beauty and kindness. I think my post is too lond as nobody is reading it. NVM

posted on May, 18 2012 @ 03:32 PM
reply to post by michael1983l

Would it scare you to find out that we are here for no reason or purpose whatsoever? And life will only ever have purpose when we give it purpose?

posted on May, 18 2012 @ 03:36 PM
reply to post by LesMisanthrope

Not really but it would add more confusion to find out that it has been so difficult for no particular reason.

posted on May, 18 2012 @ 08:31 PM
I too struggle with the whole idea of "WTF is the purpose of it all?!" I tend to think it is the hallmark of the depressed, sensitive people to question the very nature and purpose of existence, only to come up empty-handed and more befuddled than before.

I know there is "something" after we die, but that doesn't help with the here and now. Some people go through life having a grand time, enjoying themselves and running around like happy idiots. Still, I envy them, for their ability to enjoy things as they are, never questioning things, always believing what they're told, and never having a day of doubt, misery, fear, or utter hopelessness.

The world looks broken and scary, and the world I was promised as a child has evaporated before my very eyes. Oh, I'm not doing badly, and we're hanging in there, but I wonder how long it will be before our circumstances change. All the highs and lows, what the heck was the purpose for it all?

As you well know, no matter how loaded you get on drugs or alcohol, the sadness and the depression are always right there, they cannot be gotten rid of chemically. Tricky devils, they can survive whatever we do to eliminate them.

Of course, I'm almost twice as old as you, so after a while, the depression and melancholy become like an old, weird friend that has been shadowing you for so long that you forget they're around....most of the time. After 50 years on this planet, it appears that I still have no true niche, no obvious purpose, and am simply living day by day like the birds out in my trees or my many cats, who want nothing more than lots of food, naps, some play time and some petting. My kids might disagree, because they're good kids. I appear to be a decent breeder. Whoopee for me.

As to what you said about the jerks gate-crashing your life no matter what you do, that is absolutely true. It isn't enough that they crash your pity-party, but they bring the crap dip and spill it on your carpet.

Know that you are not alone in how you feel, and also know that you have people that love you and would be devastated if you checked out of this looney bin, so do the best you can with what life throws at you. We're already on this nutty roller coaster, so might as well ride it out until the end. Who knows what is around the next bend?

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