I too struggle with the whole idea of "WTF is the purpose of it all?!" I tend to think it is the hallmark of the depressed, sensitive people to
question the very nature and purpose of existence, only to come up empty-handed and more befuddled than before.
I know there is "something" after we die, but that doesn't help with the here and now. Some people go through life having a grand time, enjoying
themselves and running around like happy idiots. Still, I envy them, for their ability to enjoy things as they are, never questioning things, always
believing what they're told, and never having a day of doubt, misery, fear, or utter hopelessness.
The world looks broken and scary, and the world I was promised as a child has evaporated before my very eyes. Oh, I'm not doing badly, and we're
hanging in there, but I wonder how long it will be before our circumstances change. All the highs and lows, what the heck was the purpose for it
As you well know, no matter how loaded you get on drugs or alcohol, the sadness and the depression are always right there, they cannot be gotten rid
of chemically. Tricky devils, they can survive whatever we do to eliminate them.
Of course, I'm almost twice as old as you, so after a while, the depression and melancholy become like an old, weird friend that has been shadowing
you for so long that you forget they're around....most of the time. After 50 years on this planet, it appears that I still have no true niche, no
obvious purpose, and am simply living day by day like the birds out in my trees or my many cats, who want nothing more than lots of food, naps, some
play time and some petting. My kids might disagree, because they're good kids. I appear to be a decent breeder. Whoopee for me.
As to what you said about the jerks gate-crashing your life no matter what you do, that is absolutely true. It isn't enough that they crash your
pity-party, but they bring the crap dip and spill it on your carpet.
Know that you are not alone in how you feel, and also know that you have people that love you and would be devastated if you checked out of this
looney bin, so do the best you can with what life throws at you. We're already on this nutty roller coaster, so might as well ride it out until the
end. Who knows what is around the next bend?