Struggling with divorce...

Hey all, I just woke up and am surprised and very appreciative for all the kinds words. I think the most shocking thing is I just never saw this coming or thought that she would ever do this. Our anniversary was last month and it was really great, very romantic, even the day she left we were making long term plans for the future. My son isn't her biological son so at least I don't have to worry about a custody battle, but he's only five and he's known her since he was two so to him she is his mom. He keeps asking where she is and at first I didn't know what to tell him because when she left she didn't contact me for several days. I tried to explain to him the other day exactly what was happening, that mommy and daddy weren't going to live together anymore but we both still love him and he looks at me and asked who was going to be his new mommy and that was pretty heartbreaking. His biological mom is basically a deadbeat, she has three kids with three dads and two she abandoned while the other was taken from her custody by the state after our relationship had ended. She just disappeared and my (ex)wife knows this and always made a big deal about how she'd never do that and blah blah blah.

I honestly never thought that she would do this. I have a theory, see when we met she wasn't working. I got her the job working for the same company I did (same company, different stores). Now, she's 23 with a great paying job and for the first time in her life she is truly independent. I'm thinking she just got sick of domestic life and wants to be her own independent woman and live a "carefree" single lifestyle. I could be wrong, but when I met her she was kind've a party girl and I have to give her props for accepting me with my son and being a really good mom. That's why this whole situation kind of blindsided me because she seemed really mature and gung-ho about being a mom, but maybe she's just a great actress. All I know is she made a commitment to me and my son, I wasn't just a live-in boyfriend. She left with no reasoning aside from "I'm just not happy anymore" and made absolutely no attempt to talk about it or work things out. To make it all worse, she left us with nothing, she even closed out the bank account and the main reason I sent my son to my mom's is because there wasn't any food in the house after a couple days and he didn't need to be there in that environment.

On Monday I sucked up my pride and went to apply for food stamps which wasn't a very fun ordeal. I really don't like the idea of being on welfare, although I'm not against the premise in general I just don't want to be on it. My mother worked two jobs raising three kids just so we wouldn't have to be on welfare so I think I just inherited some of her pride. At the same time I've been paying taxes since I was working at the age of sixteen and every time I make a purchase so I do feel that I've paid more than enough into the system. I left my company on good terms, thankfully and I'm going up there today to try to get back on.

Oh, also a weird thing happened at the welfare office. I was in line to get my card and the woman who was processing us was just going through like an assembly line, she was real quick with each person, no small talk or anything. When she came to me she started to hand me my card then stopped. She looked at me and proceeded to tell me how "He" told her to tell me not to dwell on the past and not to let a bad relationship get me down. She talked to me for a couple minutes and everything she said just made sense and matched the situation I was in exactly. Although I was raised in church, I kind've fell out of the whole religious scene but that was like someone smacking me in the back of the head and waking me up. I just don't know how she knew my exact situation, even the person who interviewed me didn't get the entire story. Anyways, enough of my rambling, I'm off to go job hunting, thank you all and wish me luck!

reply to post by Crackavelli


Get a lawyer.
Sue for alimony and child support.
Find a job asap.
Find a place asap.

That's the financial advice.

For the rest of it, make sure you make screenshots of the Facebook post/s. Watch her Facebook (or have a friend who is still friended do so), look for ammo to use in the above cases.

Once settled....you can start to get over the shell-shock and move on.

While you still have internet, use it to send out resumes, do applications, etc. Use a third party email address, like gmail or something, you can access it for free at the library or certain McDonalds, etc. Use your mom's address as your mailing address.

These days, most applications go through a computer program that hits on keywords, to decide which ones get seen by a human recruiter. Make sure your resume is tailored to each job, and features these keywords (most of which you can get from the job posting, in what they are looking for). Even if it's a bit of a stretch, if you can do the work, make it match those keywords.

Also, use the web to find all the contact info for agencies that can help with job, housing, etc. Any chance you can live with your mom and save up some? That's a good option if you have it.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this mess. Just want you to know that your ATS family is here for you and to wish you a world of love and luck! Hugs!

reply to post by Crackavelli


Good for you man. You're going to be fine. Thankfully she wasn't the biological mother of your son. This will work out good. The hurt will subside with time.

Your situation is actually a lot easier to get through than some of us other posters that have replied to your thread so hang in there and get 'r done!

For the rest of it, make sure you make screenshots of the Facebook post/s. Watch her Facebook (or have a friend who is still friended do so), look for ammo to use in the above cases.

I would want a copy of that stuff for my file. Definitely, something to share with the lawyer.

What you said about the clerk at the Food Stamp Office giving you a message was cool.

Those of us who are spiritually in tune with our higher self's will, at times, get "directions, or talking points" for certain individuals. Case and point, the woman in the food stamp line. She was in tune with the spiritual side, listened, and relayed the message that was needed. At times, this happens to me as well. I will start to chat with someone, and then a prompting comes, and words just spill out of my mouth. They are my words, but not really my own thoughts, but are appropriate for the person at that specific time.

I have been in that situation as well, when the other half decides it isn't working and they jump ship leaving you heartbroken and trying to pick up the pieces left over after their wrath. Not fun at first. But, as was posted, it does get better, you may find new love again. Think of it this way: That girl was not for you. She was needed for a lesson that you needed to learn. Even if it was painful at first, this lesson will carry you for a while. Spiritual growth is often tempered with emotional turmoil (the answer I was given when I asked the question). It would seem that you are indeed a spiritual person, or you may not have gotten the response from the woman in the FS line. Listen to your heart, for it knows no lies, it knows only love which is the greatest of powers and truth.

reply to post by Crackavelli


There used to be a time when people got married and they stayed that way for life. In more modern times though people get divorced for the dumbest reasons. The road gets rocky and one person decides to get the hell out of Dodge.

Instead of trying to work as a team and get through the rough patches and fight through it, which ultimately helps build those unshakeable bonds, they just say "F*** it" and bail.

Hang in there and Godbless you man. You may not think there's a God out there who loves you but there is and he does love you and his name is Yeshua...whom you may know as Jesus Christ.

Here's a song for you, because i believe it could help you:

OP,

I understand what you're going through. Went through a divorce a few years back and it felt like the end of the world. Literally. I was suicidal, it was so bad.

My biggest fear was that I'd spend my life alone. I didn't want that to happen, but I was convinced it would.

What others have said is true....the pain does fade with time. Nothing is truly hopeless. Here I am, ten years later, with a wonderful husband and a beautiful son. I couldn't be in a better place.

Sending healing wishes and love your way....

smylee

Nothing I can add to make you feel better, except perhaps a joke.



Why is divorce so expensive?




















Because it's worth it!




Hang in there man. Had a somewhat similar thing happen to me about 4 years ago.

You'll get through it.

OP,

I feel for you. There isn't much that can be said. I would definitely challenge the eviction as in many states less than 30 days is illegal even if you aren't on the lease. In many states it is 90 days.

I know you are probably sad and angry so all I can suggest is she might have a hormone disorder or other disorder that neither of you know about. Leaving a child, to me, is a clear sign of some type of disorder and so she may need as much help as anyone and this could be less personal/rational than it appears.

You have to think of this as early probation because it would be much more difficult to lose her 16 or 26 years in to the marriage and being with someone that is capable of leaving a child and (presumably having her mother then evict the both of you if I read that correctly) and divorce over Facebook is not going to be healthy for you.

Originally posted by Gazrok
Any chance you can live with your mom and save up some? That's a good option if you have it.

That is true and a good reminder to everyone - never screw up your relationship with your parents - if you can avoid it. I know once I lose my parents the world will become a much more uncertain place.

reply to post by Crackavelli


It's good to let things like this out. Just don't let the drinking get out of hand. You have employment to find and a son to take care of, so you have to keep your head in the game.

Work might be the best thing for you right now to keep your mind off the emotional part. It's going to take awhile to get over that, but you can soften the blow by immersing yourself in other things like work and your son. Focus on what's important in your life right now, not what used to be.

I'm going through the same thing only I evicted myself. I just couldn't live the lie anymore. She knows it too and it's going to take her awhile as well to get over the emotions. The hardest thing I've found is the change in routine. Apparently, after 10 to 15 years of being with the same person you fall into patterns. Routines. You get comfortable with things. I guess the hardest part is getting comfortable with yourself again.

Fortunately I have work to occupy my mind and time. It's the only thing, the ONLY thing, I'm putting in my life right now. People aren't going to get me ahead in life, money will. I've done my share of socializing in my life anyway. I could really use a break from that because I was never much good at it anyway. It's also good that I've had this job for about a year now and there are still things I need to learn. The first 6 months were a real education and I really want to expand on that because I haven't forgotten anything that a certain person showed me. (Trust me, I forgot nothing). It all rang true. It just feels right.

Like me, I'm sure you'll find someone else in time. Don't know about you but I'm a family man without a family right now. I do want that to change. I've been on my own before plenty of times but I don't have a track record of being very good at it. The thing is man, you learn from your mistakes and you do things differently the next time so you don't repeat them.

Take things slow, take things different, make sure you actually have something to give a woman and hopefully the woman you choose to settle down with will be the real deal. It'll last forever. That's the way I'm playing it at least.

Good luck and...............Man up.

Your story breaks my heart.

i dont know where you live but in the states, she can end up having to give allt hat money back, close any accounts or CC in bother your names. start protecting yourself, get a lawyer.

document every call, letter or no. you may be able to get full custody due to abandonment.

Yeah, it hurts at first but it gets better, a lot better, which reminds me: Question. What's the biggest cause of ED? Answer. Wives. You'll learn that as you go.
Won't be long till you're actually having fun, lots of it. Wait till she wants you back. You'll say: "No way".
Doc

reply to post by Crackavelli


Dude don't even for a second feel bad about accepting SNAP (food stamps), you are a tax payer with a child. Such assistance should be for those who are truly in need of it rather than worthless crack addicts who trade theirs for drugs while their children go hungry.

May I ask how old you are? You said she was rather young and I'm just curious if you are close to the same age. I'm just asking because in my opinion an older dude (10 years+) with child, moving in with a much younger girl who is not the mother of the child is usually a mistake. They will only be interested in the guy (or girl if the younger nonparent is a guy) for the "security" and are often just trying to find a way to get by. I don't know your situation but I do know that in a lot of cases relationships where one person has a child and the other does not will not work out. My advice would be to try and find a girl with a child of her own next time because if both people have a child sometimes the other person will not feel as if they are expected to play mother or father of someone elses child but rather just help each other raise their children together sort of like a "normal" family.

Just my 2 pennies, I'm only 24 so take it for what you will. I hope, no, I know that things will work out for you because you seem to care about your and your child's life, which is much more than can be said for a lot of people in this world. Good luck man.

Edit:

My disabled dad just got dumped by a woman he has been with since I was 10. She was 11 years younger than him with two children of her own (well three but only the two boys lived with her) when they started seeing each other. She was the only one working because he got hurt on the job a few years ago and still cannot get disability, they were staying in a house that belongs to my dad's uncle so at least he knows he still has a roof over his head, just no way of paying utilities. According to my younger brothers, her daughter has been in the picture for the last two years since she turned 18 and her dad kicked her out so she went to live with her mom and our dad. Her daughter convinced her to leave his "crippled @$$" to go "party" with guys around our age but she left in the same way as your wife did, no warning or nothing, just went to "work" and never came back.

Personally I feel like people should just try to get with other people within 4 or so years of their own age. I mean I met my wife in high school and we've been together for over 8 years now, she's only about 6 months older than me. Sure we've had our "ups and downs," living with each over for around 7 years who hasn't lol but we're what you would call a happily married couple and believe me, our life hasn't been easy by any means, having both grown up poor and no assistance from our families (not even so much as a used vehicle) to help us get our start we are going through life and making something of ours together.

Crackavelli, don't apologise, you weren't rambling, you're explaining your situation.

I went through the same thing back in 1999/2000, we had been together for 14 years but no children.

It took me two years to get over, but there is one beautiful thing about this sort of depression, it makes you really, really appreiciate the good things in life, and when that happened to me i told myself to never forget how good even the smallest kindness felt back then, and i haven't forgotten and it's one of the most important lessons i've learnt.

Also, i don't know what kind of man you are, but don't be afraid to let it all out, cry, headbutt a tree, whatever you have to do.

I think it's very cowardly of her to sneak off and then inform you by facebook but i don't know what she's like or what she feels she's going through at the moment.

Sometimes it's this kind of massive, sudden change that can turn out to be for the best, even though it feels like total crap at first.

My sincere thoughts are with you, stay strong.

QV.

Crackavelli, I found your post after a google search for divorce and children etc, strange i was a member here for years but forgot my username..this site keeps drawing me back!
Hope you and little one are good. I am going through the same scenario as well, and trying very hard to find my way through the anger. I have a little boy who just realised his father was being more of a father and provider to a woman he met. Im afraid of the booze, my student days are a haze, my sleep is poor but i know a habit could be formed at present.
In times such as these i think our real aides are our friends and family, and the kindness of strangers in the oddest of ways, are the helping hands of the angels that surround us. My heart is with you and yours, and god, whomever or whatever it may be, is there . x

reply to post by Crackavelli


So sorry that happened to you, Crackavelli.

I was married for 12 years. I've now been divorced for 10. Hang in there--I promise you it does get better. One day you'll wake up and it just doesn't hurt anymore. That's when you know you're ready to move on.

If I may give some advice...the children come first. I know it's tough, but you have to be civil for the children. DON'T talk about her in front of the children. They're confused enough as it is. Don't make it worse. Now, kids are resilient and adaptable and they will adjust, but it is really hard on them to hear one parent trash the other. I don't care what your wife did--your son is probably attached to her and will miss her, and I'd be willing to bet you're no angel yourself. It takes two, remember. Don't try to turn them against her, because it will backfire on you.

Don't send your son to be with your mother if all you're going to do is drink. Alcohol is a cop out and it solves nothing. Your son needs YOU, not Grandma. I have a neighbor who did exactly the same thing with his daughter and you know what happened? The girl hates his guts. Won't even speak to him or come to visit. Is that what you want?

The first thing you need to do is get your finances in order. Not only will it benefit you in the long run, it'll also make you feel like you have some control over what's happening. Doing and acting is one of the best cures for the anxiety that comes with a divorce.

Second, DON'T date anyone while the divorce is pending. The first thing people--men especially--tend to do is find the first person who will have them. That's a huge mistake. You're in no way, shape, or form ready for another relationship--you should be figuring out what went wrong with the current one before you jump from the frying pan into the fire. You need to be alone and get things taken care of. The kids are probably reeling and I promise you they will resent any new woman you bring into their lives. It'll be a disaster. And your wife won't like it either and she will use it against you in court.

For me, divorce wasn't the end of the world. It was the end of a nightmare and the beginning of a whole new life. I couldn't be happier right now. I doubt I'll ever get married again (even though my parents have been after me for years to do it) and I'm okay with that.