Hi ATS

Quick background, I was adopted out at 8 days old. The only parents I ever knew were my adoptive ones who were always up front with me about my background.
Today I received some registered mail (which meant I had to sign for it...) and as I opened it thought "This is probably jury duty..."
It wasn't. It was from the Govt. Dept. in charge of adoptions in my state of Aust. asking me to call an agent ASAP.
I called the lady who proceeded to tell me my biological father was seeking to contact me and I could either deny consent to contact, seek mediated contact or go it alone...
She also told me a tiny bit of background information about these folks, stuff I never knew. Apparently I have at least 2 siblings and even some nieces and/or nephews.
Also at one stage someone contacted my biological mother claiming to be me (not only have I not done this, I wouldn't even know where to begin going about tracking an unknown person down!) and the contact attempt seems to have cost her a marriage or relationship...
After 38 years I am absolutely shocked to hear from the agency and even more so to find out these people want to contact me.
I really don't know how to feel, on the one hand it's very exciting, but I also feel a little bit cautious. There's the feelings of my adoptive family to consider (who are after all, the only family I have ever known).
I"m tending towards slowly establishing contact, firstly via letter writing through the agency (acting as a mediator) but obviously having no prior experience am not sure if this is the best course of action...
Anyone out there with similar experience or advice??

Silver

It could be really interesting to find out your lineage, and give you a chance to expand your perspective about what defines a parent.

I have never had this experience, not being adopted, so ultimately my advice is worthless. Obviously you are the only one that can make this decision. But I did have an acquaintence who had this happen to him. He decided to meet his biological mother and at first they hit it off quite well. But the mother became clingy and started to try to get more time and attention from him, which he didn't like. Also she tried to wheedle money out of him with guilt and pity, which of course made him feel very uncomfortable. Ultimately he broke off contact and said it was a highly negative experience and he wished he'd never met her. So think carefully, I guess.

My step mother searched for years for her biological parents. She was adopted out of an orphanage. She passed away last year not knowing who her real parents were. It's a once in a chance lifetime opportunity to get background on those who left you and to get answers. I say go for it. You may not get the chance again.

I don't speak with my biological father after a decade of not speaking with him and his recently failed attempt at starting a relationship again.
He's a horrible person and unable to carry on a loving and fruitful relationship.

While my situation is different, the point I'm trying to get at is this situation is here in your face and you should set some guidelines before you meet.
The emotional potential in all this could astound and even harm you.

It could also be the greatest thing in your life.

I recommend seeing them because it'll mess with your head later if you don't.

BUT.. make sure it's understood that if you choose to not see them again they should stay the hell OUT of your life if such a decision were made.

b

I say give it a go. If at any point you feel uncomfortable, you can end the relationship right there and then. I think your adoptive parents will be understanding in this matter and know that you love them. Keep us posted!

I would seek mediated contact first, just to be safe, and don't give out ANY personal information till you have checked out your biological parent/parents very carfully, especially your home or work address.

Other than those things I mentioned above, I wish you the best of luck, this may turn out to be a great thing.



Peace

Go for it. You would regret it later in life if you did not. I am sure your adoptive family has expected this day to come eventually. Some people don't have families.. You now have two.

From personal experience, please, take it very slowly and be careful.

Sometimes these things can be very good and other times disaster strikes.

Anyone can have sex and have a child. From your birth parents you get a genetic makeup. That is all you get! Who you are is largely due to the Mum and Dad that lovingly raise you! Remember who you are.

Go the slow way and give little information out about yourself. Take someone with you that is good at reading people. If you have any, even the tinniest nibble of hesitation, back away and think about it.

They may not be nice people. Most of us get to choose our friends, but not our family.

Slow and careful.

P

personally I think that's something I would prefer to avoid. it could put your relationship with your parents at risk methinks.

I grew up without a father. Al I knew was his name and what city he was from.
At age 36 I decided to see if I could find him. Oddly enough I found him on the first phone call from the phone book.
He said he thought I exsisted but was never sure and didn't pursue the issue.

We met at a Mc Donalds for about an hour and talked. Nothing major. He didn't want me to contact him again and I never did. At least I know what I will look like at 70 and I am heading that direction (appearance wise).

Go see. You may never get this chance again. You don't have to keep a relationship afterwards.

I would suggest being open to contact from your biological parents.

If you get to communicate with your bio. parents, REMEMBER to ask them about any hereditary or other health problems in their family lines (such as allergies, rare blood types, family "weaknesses"). This could be extremely important even if you don't otherwise associate with them.

Also, ask them about other siblings and close relations, get names and addresses, even if those others didn't express an interest in you just yet. Things may change. AND there is the possibility of organ transplant from a related donor ...... in fact, prepare for the possibility that this is why your bio parents are trying to contact you!

Sometimes long-lost parents want to make up for lost time by practically smothering you with attention and gifts. Sometimes they want to suddenly be promoted to your dearest relatives - instead of the parents who raised you. Be prepared for such an onslaught and be able to discourage it politely but firmly.

In this world, all sorts of unexpected things happen, and we sometimes need all the help we can get even from people we didn't know were there. So, yes, allow yourself some contact with your bio parents. You are not obliged to get more involved with them or their families beyond that, but the merest contact could give you useful health information, and, who knows?, it could turn into something better.

I wasn't adopted and my situation is a little different than yours. But I did find my mother
after she had gone missing for over two decades. She up and left my father and her
children just 19 days shy of my 1st birthday. I had 2 brothers and a sister (my brothers
have both passed) and none of them wanted anything to do with her. I've maintained a
relationship with her over the last 20 years or so. She had started a whole new family
that included 2 sons. Her new husband knew about her old life but her 2 sons didn't
have a clue so it was a big surprise to them to learn they had other siblings.

Overall I'd say it was a positive experience. But there were definitely some drawbacks.
The negatives came mostly from my own expectations I suppose. This woman was
my mother and yet I didn't know her. It was (and still is) a little weird sometimes.
Fortunately she's a good person. Why she left is another story, mostly to do with
problems with my father.

If you don't connect with these people you will always wonder. It will always be at the
back of your mind. You'll always feel like your missing a huge piece of a puzzle. But
I would say you definitely need to be cautious as well. Try not to have too many
expectations or you may very well be disappointed because the only real connection
you have with them at this point is blood relation.