reply to post by oneness86
You know, things like that do make me wonder...
I mean I am only 24.5 years old and already I have lived through some pretty crazy stuff, and had a harder life than the majority of people my age
growing up in the U.S., not to say that others haven't experienced worse - even much worse - but mine has been pretty tough.
When I was 4 I got ran over and dragged under a car. Rather than calling 911 for an ambulance, my mother called my father from work. The doctors
chewed them out because they said that in the condition that I was in, moving me without knowing what to do and whatnot could have been bad. According
to my parents the doctors really didn't expect me to survive the night, yet here I type. I had to relearn how to walk after I recovered, but after a
year or so I was more or less fine and ready to start school at the normal age.
When I was a young teen I had a bike wreck which knocked me out (no helmet because I was a moron who thought helmets were for losers). The crazy hippy
dude from around the area claimed that he seen a car hit me and take off, but who knows because that guy went on with all kinds of crazy stuff, I've
never been able to remember what happened, my last memory is just riding my bike and waking up to a bunch of people throwing a coat over me and not
allowing me to get up and go home. 6 hours at the hospital, a busted up face and head - no stitches, and a broken arm, and I went home.
Now I never was much of a "religious" person. And as a child I HATED religion and religious people, maybe because my dad thought he could beat it into
me... Oh and his favorite line was "spare the rod, spoil the child," which was often his excuse for a lot of the beatings I would receive whenever he
got angry/frustrated, even if I hadn't done anything other than ask him a question, and he didn't drink or use drugs. And my dad was always much
harder on me than my two younger brothers, a famous excuse of his was "because you have the most potential." I did do much better in school than
anybody from my family, especially in math and science, and my two brothers are dumber than a 2X4 - I mean they're nice people for the most part -
they are both just REALLY lacking in the intelligence department if you will. And now I am the first and only one from my family in college.
I never had any fiends in grade school, was often bullied on. I have suffered from major depression since I was 5 years old, and have thought about
death and killing myself often ever since 5, but have never and will never actually attempt suicide, especially now that I have a wife and two
children to be here for, and as much as I would love for my pain and suffering to just end, I feel extremely guilty and selfish for even thinking
about ending it and crushing them like that, needless to say that no matter what, I have enough reason not to kill myself no matter how bad the
depression gets - it has been known to get pretty bad. I also suffer from borderline personality disorder, and have somehow been with the same woman
for over 8 years now, we met in high school, and somehow, she has put up with all of my crap - trust me, their is a lot of it - for that long without
ever really even complaining. I hate myself for some of the crazy things I've said to her/accused her of - that I never even realize I do until after
its already done. Even though I had a lot of problems with violence from about 11 years old, I have never physically assaulted my wife or children,
sadly I can't say the same for verbally - and as I said, I hate myself for it...
Once upon a time I actually did believe that there was a higher power of some sort, and I hated it. That was early childhood though. I started
considering myself an Atheist when I was a young teen. And only recently have I started considering myself Agnostic. I will NEVER be Christian!
So if there is a reason for me to be here and continue living, I would really like to know what it is. I mean I almost feel like there IS a reason and
I do have a purpose, I just really want to know what. Because IF it were the Christian version of a god, that god would have to hate me because I will
never be able to accept some of the views of Christianity, nor would I ever want to. Well not "hate," but certainly be disappointed in me, and IF that
is the right god I am not going to lie - I really don't care what it thinks. So why would I be so important? Why would I still be here when others
much more deserving have their lives taken at early ages?
edit on 13-5-2012 by doomedtoday because: (no reason given)