wife with benefits or does he really love me in some sense

Originally posted by verschickter
so why dont you show him this thread? Tell him about your thoughts you just shared here. Then you will see if he understands you. Take him aside and simply talk. This is the only way I see that would help you.
Maybe I got it wrong due grammar but you talked about financials, too. If thats a point for you for not breaking up, it really shouldn´t!

If my wife and me have issues, we simply talk it out. We´ve been together since ever, we love each other, care about the problems of the other and listen to them.

You say this because you don't understand the cycle of abuse, it took me months to leave my ex even after he was abusing me mentally, sexually and physically. She won't leave him tonight, it may take her months or maybe even years but she will leave him eventually because the first thought has been implanted.

As the abused you WANT to leave, but you've been so torn down, and brainwashed by your partner to believe it is all your fault that you don't leave because you fear there will be no one else to put up with your insecurity. When you're not actually insecure, they MAKE you insecure with their words and actions and then tell you it's all your fault.

You will never understand unless you've been there before. I only understand because I've been through it firsthand. I used to say the same thing about couples abusing one another - just leave, simple as that right?

It really isn't, and that's the reality of the matter.

Good Morning OP....I really empathise with your situation.....and even though it may seem to be a "no-brainer" to leave him, I completely understand how hard that is to do because you Love him, and I'm guesiing he Loves you too in his way.

I related to so many things you have said, and being a woman now also in my 40's, divorced from guy that turned out to be "in the closet", then falling in Love again to a man that is not "wired" to be monogamous, it's easy to just "give up", get jaded, and wonder if men are just insane, lol, then I hear that little voice in my head that says, "well, you picked them".

The fact is your in a no win situation, and it sucks. After 10 years of basically "torturing" each other I am now seperated from the man I still Love. We're both worse off financially, miserable, and lonely. We both feel absolutely betrayed by the other, and have drawn our lines in the sand so to speak. I absolutely will not tolerate anything less then his full commitment, and he absolutely won't tolerate my "invading" his right to privacy and what he see's as his "right" to be a man and to desire and persue other women.

I don't think this is anything new, seems men have the need for variety when it comes to sex. I think it was just more on the "down low" before technology and porn became part of everyday life, and is now so in our face. Everytime my ex would get on the internet it made my blood boil, and basically reduced me to a "crazy" insecure, jealous, dictator, and it really didn't help that I was actually "right"...everything was just still wrong



I am sending big hugs and best wishes your way OP, cause whatever you do it's not going to be easy. There is not a day that goes by that I don't "second guess" my decisions and miss this man more than words can describe, in my heart and in my mind I still "snuggle" up with him every night before I close my eyes, lol, and as others have pointed out need to stop crying over him....but damm.....it's friggin brutal......yeah, yeah, there's some big "lesson" to learn here, and God know's I tell myself that....but it still sucks.....♥

geez what a sad story.... can you not be independent? move in with some family or something? i rather be alone than be in that sad relationship.

the good news is you don't have children...at least you didn't mention any..which is good because, you don't need to use them as an excuse or anything. It's honestly mind boggling how you stay in that relationship and i know of women in similar positions...i just don't get it.. the only thing that comes to mind is that you are basically submissive and you enjoy the lifestyle deep down.

reply to post by wlord

.i just don't get it.. the only thing that comes to mind is that you are basically submissive and you enjoy the lifestyle deep down.

clearly you don't get it.

I'm a man. I get it. Because I'm in a similar situation with the roles reversed.

It really doesn't take much, or long, to convince someone they aren't worth crap. They are fat, ugly, lazy, no one likes them, no one will ever want them, they should feel lucky to have you.

Once they break you, like a dog or a prisoner, it's a done deal, it's really hard to break out of that programming.

Some people need a push. I honestly wouldn't be preparing to leave if I hadn't met this other woman. I've thought about it, wanted to, but I really don't think I would have gone through with it without finding someone who makes me happy and likes ME, not what she expects me to be.

If you've never been in an abusive relationship, physic, verbal, mental, it doesn't matter, if you haven't been on the receiving end of it, you simply can't understand.

I can only imagine how hard it is for a woman in that position, her view of men is destroyed, she won't be able to trust a man for a long time, if ever. So to her, the tiny bit of him she has, might be all she will ever have.

I said this many times. It's much easier to be unhappy than it is to be alone. When a relationship fails, there is the inevitable depression. If you have no one, no support group, well, things can go bad, real bad.

Once they break you, like a dog or a prisoner, it's a done deal, it's really hard to break out of that programming.

so what's to say that in your next relationship you might crave the same thing....idk..i still think that if people live like that....they like it.

He's deceiving you because when you truly love someone you take into account how your actions affect the person you love.

So either A) he doesn't see his being submissive to his animal instincts as being hurtful to you or B) he does and doesn't care

reply to post by phishyblankwaters


Your post was very insightful, and I really appreciated hearing a man's point of view on "abusive" relationships. Geez, seems your in for a "rough ride" I'm thinking , girl #1, is most likely gonna "fight" girl #2.....I hope you all work it out and find happiness...♥

reply to post by wlord


I think that they do on some level. It does't take you too long to take your hand off a hot burner when you touch it, so the pain must be worth it. I believe you can do bad all by yourself. You don't need anyone to help you do or feel bad.

It is not that I am insensitive to people in abusive relationships , especially those that are in physical danger or have children, but this story just seems fishy to me.

And I am sorry but those look like real crocodile tears to me.

Not to go off topic but this is the third bad relationship I have heard of from the plenty of fish dating site. They all seemed to take the name of the site literally and there doesn't seem to be a bag limit.

Originally posted by dmonkey
we married just on paper, so i could have medical insurance. it was not like a big wedding or anything.

I hate to pick on this one sentence, but it just screamed out at me as I was reading the rest of your ordeal. What it tells me is that you didn't marry for love or commitment; you married for a prize, for the "comfort" provided by full coverage. What you are telling me here is that you didn't marry the man; you married the insurance. "It was not like a big wedding or anything." No wonder he doesn't consider it anything but a sham marriage.

It amazes me that you have put up with so much. You catch this guy in the act, then have sex with him that night. Obviously, from his point of view, there is no downside to cheating on you, no penalty at all. You'll still stay no matter what he does. You're affirming his behavior, even encouraging it by providing yourself to him the very day he cheats on you. That's the definition of being co-dependant.

And this is your pattern. Your last relationship was physically abusive. This one is mentally abusive. I've never understood why women, sometimes absolutely beautiful women, are attracted to losers like this. They go for the "bad boy" and leave the nice guys in the dust or want to be "just friends" with them. When you get right down to it, this is more about your behavior than his because he'll never change.

But hey! You've got medical insurance.

my advice to you is, buy a leech and dog tag and make him him put it around you, don't worry, you will embrace your love to be a sub eventually.

reply to post by wlord

so what's to say that in your next relationship you might crave the same thing....idk..i still think that if people live like that....they like it.

I do not crave the type of relationship I have right now. No one does. Instead, I learned to accept it because I was beaten into submission and began to believe the things I was being told. You're fat (I'm not actually, I'm robust lol) you're ugly (i happen to believe that one but plenty of females beg to differ), no one else will want to be with you, only I can put up with your crap (patently false)

This other relationship is about as far from that as it could possibly get. It's one of those romance movie type deals that makes everyone around you sick to their stomach. This woman simply won't let me feel bad about myself. This is the type of woman that will send me a random text in the middle of the night, just to tell me she misses me or is thinking of me.

I'm willing to give you this much... Once you've been in that situation, it's easy to slip back into it. you aren't looking for it, or craving it, but it's easy to slip back in.

Originally posted by phishyblankwaters
reply to post by wlord

 

so what's to say that in your next relationship you might crave the same thing....idk..i still think that if people live like that....they like it.

I do not crave the type of relationship I have right now. No one does. Instead, I learned to accept it because I was beaten into submission and began to believe the things I was being told. You're fat (I'm not actually, I'm robust lol) you're ugly (i happen to believe that one but plenty of females beg to differ), no one else will want to be with you, only I can put up with your crap (patently false)

This other relationship is about as far from that as it could possibly get. It's one of those romance movie type deals that makes everyone around you sick to their stomach. This woman simply won't let me feel bad about myself. This is the type of woman that will send me a random text in the middle of the night, just to tell me she misses me or is thinking of me.

I'm willing to give you this much... Once you've been in that situation, it's easy to slip back into it. you aren't looking for it, or craving it, but it's easy to slip back in.

i just think you're going to miss that abuse because, you got used to it, like you just said..i guess we'll see..

reply to post by MountainLaurel

Your post was very insightful, and I really appreciated hearing a man's point of view on "abusive" relationships. Geez, seems your in for a "rough ride" I'm thinking , girl #1, is most likely gonna "fight" girl #2.....I hope you all work it out and find happiness...♥

Lol thanks, it actually wasn't easy to admit to that part, but I've shared enough personal information on ATS at this point that it couldn't hurt, and I think, adds some needed perspective.

Girl #1 will never meet girl #2. when it gets to that point, I will ask for a separation then a full on divorce. Once that is finalized, girl #2 and I will decide what happens next. Right now the plan is for her to move to Canada, she can easily get work here where my training doesn't qualify under NAFTA for me to get a work visa to the US.

Anyways, back to the OP.....

You clearly got married for the wrong reasons. you need to break the cycle and end it, even if it means you have to go live with your parents.

If your man is unhappy and being a sleeze online, you aren't going to change that. nothing my wife could do at this point would change the fact that, for me, it's over. Nothing, no amount of "sorry" is going to undo it.

That said.... Leaving her will be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, I've been with her for 12 years now, she's occupied every aspect of my life, if you can even call it that. And sure, I'm not "in love" with her anymore, that doesn't mean I don't love her, and surely doesn't mean I want to hurt her.

nothing about your situation is easy. But trust me, once you get all of that weight off your shoulders, you will feel much better about yourself. From the ton of your posts, I think you need to break contact with this man immediately.

As well..... go to the nearest clinic and get an HIV / STD test immediately. Right now, google the nearest one and go, because you will have to wait 6 months before you know if your bastard husband infected you with HIV.

reply to post by wlord

i just think you're going to miss that abuse because, you got used to it, like you just said..i guess we'll see..

Who the hell would miss feeling like crap 24/7? honestly? and no, you won't see, I will, because once I'm together with this woman, I won't be wasting nearly as much time on this site, or any sites, because I will be too busy building an actual life.

reply to post by phishyblankwaters


Good luck my friend....we all just want that soft place to lay our heads at night.....and I wish you everything good...♥

reply to post by phishyblankwaters


Good luck my friend....we all just want that soft place to lay our heads at night.....and I wish you everything good...♥

Originally posted by phishyblankwaters
reply to post by wlord

 

i just think you're going to miss that abuse because, you got used to it, like you just said..i guess we'll see..

Who the hell would miss feeling like crap 24/7? honestly? and no, you won't see, I will, because once I'm together with this woman, I won't be wasting nearly as much time on this site, or any sites, because I will be too busy building an actual life.

rofl...how cute..ok buddy, good luck lol

reply to post by dmonkey


Ive been reading your posts in this thread. At first I thought to my self "man, does this guy have to wright it donw on paper for her"? But as i continued reading, I got the feeling that you somehow see whats going on around you as punishment for things that you have done that you felt bad about in the past. There is no need to put yourself through hell for someone who doesn't care about your feelings. Some people are users. Your husband keeps you around because you let him make a doormat out of you. He can go out, screw whoever he wants, and come home to a clean house and more than likely a cooked meal and washed clothes. Does he put forth effort in house work?

A marriage based on anything but love isn't a merrage at all. (i know my spelling sucks, and i dont plan on ever changing that :p) Maybe you should suggest an open relationship to him and see how he would like that. You aren't the only woman he has around and it kind of interests me as to what he would say if he thought he wasn't the only man you had around. More than likely what will happen is he will balk at the idea all together. If he does, leave him immediately because he's useing you. If not, hell, go with it. Have fun. Just dont assume that one day he will stop because that WON'T happen and you would be a fool to think it would.

I forsee one day you will finally get fed up with the BS and leave and then 1 or 2 years down the road you will kick yourself in the ass daily for not leaving sooner. As far as your lifeling friend from your swinger days, there are websites for people just like you looking for people just like you. Its never too late or you have never gone too far to make a real connection with a real genuine person. Dont dwell on the past. Just accept it and your future will be brighter.

MOTF!

reply to post by wlord

rofl...how cute..ok buddy, good luck lol

Hmm, to clarify, I wasn't suggesting that using this site means you have no life, I was stating that once I'm together with this woman, I simply won't have the time to spend on here like I do now, too much to take care of, divorce, new engagement, might move to a new province. A lot of things will be going on and ATS will take the backseat.

hopefully no one took that as an insult to ATS users, cause now that I read it, it kinda comes off that way.

reply to post by schuyler


NO.. i married him because i loved him... and he was the one that wanted to make sure i had insurance. don't look at it that way.

i loved him before and after. he asked me to marry him, even though i felt he was unsure. i did not ask him to marry me just for insurance... he wanted me to have insurance.... and the insurance company said we had to be married. would he have done it on his own with no deadline? i dont' know.

if it woudl have been a big ceremony, invite everyone, he would not do it. he did not show me signs of commitment like my first husband.

i was the one that is totally committed from the start. it was his commitment i was unsure of.

even married or before being married.