reply to post by MountainLaurel
I'm trying to make myself feel better. I'm still questioning the timing of the event which caused me to write this thread. Part of me still says
that I should have waited, and the other part tells me that I did the right thing. If I did the right thing, why do I still feel bad about it?
I feel very guilty for doing it while I was drunk. That's my biggest regret. I've been fighting the urge to call/text/email her to apologize and
to tell her to forget I said anything so we can go back to normal. I'd rather have her as a friend in my life than nothing at all...we've been
through a lot together, and I guess it didn't hit me how much I cared about her until she dropped that question (or maybe it hit me earlier and I was
just trying to suppress it for whatever reason my screwed up head could think of).
On another note, some posters have mentioned about the alpha/beta male thing, and I posted a few subsets of that. I had an interesting discussion
with a young man almost 10 years younger than myself yesterday about my situation. He brought many things into light that I had not considered
before. We talked about assertiveness vs. being pushy, and being a push over vs. being compliant/submissive. We talked about how when we seek a
mate, we look to what we grew up with, and either look for the opposite, or the same. In my case, I came from a very domineering household. I was
told what to do down to the last second of every day. I had no control over my own decisions. Being the intelligent person that I am, I was very
defiant in my youth (and just to make a point, I was the first in my family to achieve a Master's Degree with a few credits into a post-graduate
program). The lack of control was what started this path of seeking out people that couldn't control me, or that I could be equals to (never
"above," as that's what my parents did to me...in a non-nurturing way). In this woman's case, I think there was this thing where she wanted to be
led....as I guess being led means that you are an assertive person. I have an inferiority complex where I think that being assertive will make me
look like an arse (once again, back to my childhood), so I'm usually just complacent or follow (even though I'm a natural leader...I manage a
theater during the year, and that takes some brass cajones to do that job). He observed that since perhaps she had never seen "me" (aka: The
assertive person I really am), she was shocked to receive the text message, and hence, no response.
In the short 20 minute conversation that I had with this young man, I learned more about myself than when I went through therapy in grad school for
some unrelated issues...mostly stress related, given my course load.
I wanted to post what he said, because I believe that it will help some others understand the underlying motivations for why people do what they do
(and help myself by seeing all of this in words...I'm a very visual learner). The long process of re-wiring the brain is going to be tough, but I'm
going to switch back to assertive mode and see what happens. I know how to do it; I'm a school teacher.
If I've learned anything from past mistakes is that affairs of the heart are never black and white. There are always underlying layers of emotion
mixed into it (being an empath, I know that all too well). I guess if it helps one sleep at night thinking that there are only two sides to a
problem, then to each one's own.