posted on May, 7 2012 @ 01:58 PM
I write this with a very heavy heart in hopes that maybe one or two of you can give me some truly insightful advice.
Many of you know me for my paranormal advice and threads, but I'm reaching out for help.
Here's the gist:
I befriended a woman my age about 9 months ago. She was dating an acquaintance of mine, and we soon became friends. When her boyfriend moved back to
his state of origin, I was "tasked" with keeping an eye out for her while he was away. We became quick friends due to common interests,
intellectual conversations, and the like. Things started going downhill between them, and I found myself being the person that was just kinda
"there." They broke up shortly before Christmas, and I ended up being the one to "catch" her. I never asked to be put in that position. Being
the person that I am, I just naturally fall into those types of roles. Up to that point, my life was pretty much on track. I was dating various
people on a casual basis, and really enjoying life. Over the course of a few months, we began getting closer. We finally kissed one night, and a few
weeks after that I told her how I felt about the whole situation and asked her to date me. She, of course, was still hung up on her ex, so I let
things go wherever they were to go. After that night, I noticed a distinctive change in her attitude toward me. We still got together on a weekly
basis, sharing lunch, coffee, and even some dinner dates. I thought that if I just waited a little bit longer, and kept showing some interest, that
she would eventually come around.
That was my first mistake.
I woke up one morning about a month ago and realized that I was in love with her...the kind of love that drives people crazy if not kept in check. I
wanted to be around her, I wanted to smell her hair, I wanted hug her, and do good things for her. I could see that there were signs that she was
feeling the same way, but being the type of person that always plays things close to the chest, I didn't do anything about it. Then, last week, came
the infamous "friend zone" question: "What do you think about 'so and so'." I told her I didn't even know who that was, but the person fit the
bill for the same type of people that hurt her in the past.
Look, I'm just a regular run-of-the-mill guy. I work out, I enjoy socializing, I'm trying as hard as I can to transform my body (which is working,
mind you), and I have a wonderful network of friends who keep my life interesting. I have gone through situations like this before, but for some
reason, this one hurts more. This is the kind of hurt that I have a very hard time dealing with. I'm functioning, I'm alive, and I'm breathing.
That's all I can ask for, right?
I want more. I want that deep connection with another (which I know we share....we talked about it before), but now I fear I have gone and screwed it
all up. I sent a drunk text message (my second mistake) the other night stating, in a non-confrontational matter, that I needed some time to
reevaluate my feelings toward her. I said that I can't be in the "friend zone" because of the way that I feel about her. I can't help feeling
that way, and I feel as if my hand was forced with that dreaded question. I think deep down that I saw it coming. I'm the stereotypical "guy who
falls in love with his friend" type. For some reason, however, this feels different (I've learned to trust my senses). Others could see what was
going on. Others even asked me if we were dating, and I had to tell them that I didn't know what we were. What we shared was real (even if we
didn't really speak about it), and if I have to give up my happiness so that she can find hers, I'm somehow strangely okay with that. I shouldn't
be, but I am. I guess I always take the high road.
I feel as if I'm somehow being selfish. Why should I rain on her potential happiness with my garbage? I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do.
I've spent the majority of my life forsaking my own happiness for others, and now when mine is being threatened, I feel lost. I have nothing to fall
back on, and I fear that I have lost her from my life. I just need time to get over these emotions. This woman makes me feel alive in a way that I
have rarely experienced. My life was fine before her, and it will be fine after her, but for some reason I can't let her go. I know it's early,
but if you knew me, you'd know that things like this don't bother me for very long. I heal, I move on...a bit more jaded, but I move on.
I just wish I could sit down with her and spill everything....not some abbreviated version that I gave her before, but the whole thing.
I think that I not only ruined a friendship, but I have struck out on another chance for true happiness...
...and I have to live with that.
Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? She never responded to my text message, and using my own "abilities" I can feel that she is upset about
this. I was her rock in the toughest time of her life, and now I feel like I'm deserting her, even though that's the furthest from the truth. Am I
being selfish for telling her about all of this when her life is in a huge changing point right now (graduating, still heartbroken over the last guy,
Sometimes I think things are better left unsaid, or as my avatar states "The Truth is Better Left Unseen."
Hopefully a few of you can give me some good advice. This is the first time in my life where I'm openly asking for help.