Is it love, or do I need help?

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posted on May, 7 2012 @ 12:12 PM
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I'm not sure if this is the appropriate forum for this topic, but here goes. Before I begin I wish to say that I do not believe in love in first sight, I believe love is a mutual connection between two people of whom are comparable with one another.

Okay, so 7 years ago I met this girl. We were in highschool at the time, I had seen many beautiful girls throughout my life but when I saw this girl I immediately had a crush on her. I'd had infatuations before but this time was different, I felt some sort of bond, like I was tied to her. It made my highschool days difficult I was the dorky football dropout and she was one of the most popular girls in school.

Over the years it just got weird, this infatuation evolved. It evolved without any reason to, she never spoke to me, I knew nothing about her, yet these feelings just grew without reason, without justification. It made me depressed, I had feelings for a girl that I didnt know, for reasons I didn't know either. I felt cursed, it wasn't natural I shouldn't feel so strongly about her, these emotions are an abomination I told myself.

My senior year in highschool she spoke to me, only because we were in the same art class, everyone else had gone down stairs, so it was jus me, her, and her friend. I'm sure she felt trapped and awkward, so she broke the silence. When she spoke it was the most beautiful voice I had ever heard, I managed to make her laugh and she had the cutest laugh. For the remaining few months we had some short conversations. Just talking to her for 5 minutes made my week, she was funny, her personality was irresistible. After some time I mustered up the courage to ask her out. Unfortunately she left the next day for a class trip to Europe. When she returned she wouldn't speak to me, then she got back together with her ex. During the trip I discovered she had befriended a girl in my class, she was a religios nut who hated my guts.

She was a junior at the time but her brother was in my class and he hated me. So, when graduation day rolled around she was there. Afterwards everyone shook our hands and congratulated us. Her father passed by shook my hand and congratulated me, next her mother who called me by my name and wished me well. Next she passed by she hugged me but I don't remember what she said because all I could think about was how much I was going to miss her. I still don't know if I said it aloud or not but I may have said " I'll miss you."

I was hurt because 7 years went by and I never got to know her and even worse I never got to be with her.
I wasn't even happy that day I had to fake my exitment, it felt like my heart had been torn to a million pieces and the each little piece was nuked. I couldn't bear the pain so 3 months later I took an overnight bus a thousand miles away to start over and heal. A year later after I moved I was just starting to get over her when I had to move back due to financial trouble.

Recently, an old friend told me that she had asked about me, he said she wanted to ask me " a special question" he managed to pry from her that she wanted me to take her to prom. He didn't know where I was and neither did she, I missed the one chance I ever had with her, the one chance I ever will have. I was and still am in denile that any of it was true. The day I heard that my world turned to glass and shattered, I had just died inside. I would walk through hell a thousand times over for this girl if only given the chance. I still feel as much pain today as I did then, my heart is shattered and I cannot inagine a worse pain. I opened a Facebook account and tried talking to her. I sent her a message that said " hey how've you been" I never received a reply, I know she got the message, a few days ago someone wrote her a similar message on her wall and she didn't reply to that either. I think she's only pretending to be happy but I know there is a pain she's hiding. I discovered that Shes living at her parents house two blocks down the street from my apartment. I wish I could talk to her but showing up at her door would be inappropriate.

We were never friends, and I doubt she ever really liked me. I hear she thinks I'm a creep so doing so would only prove that. I've done all I can, now I just want to get over her. However I cannot do so until I figure our why I feel this for her. We're exact opposites of each other, I'm crazy about her, she hates me, we have almost nothing in common. There is no logical reason in this universe that could explain why I feel this way. I have no answers, only questions and pain. If nothing fruitful shows up here then im just going to see a therapist, or some sort of psychic, maybe it's a mental disorder. I just know these feelings aren't normal, she hates me and I don't know why, all I know is there's something wrong with me, maybe I am a creep.

Can anyone relate to this, offer an explaination, I'm desperate for answers so anything would help.
Thanks




posted on May, 7 2012 @ 12:19 PM
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It's a bit creepy that you haven't moved on. and considering you barely talked to this girl.

If i was you i would man up and just make my own opportunity to ask her out, if she says no then you got your answer.

I would rather have an answer than spend year and year of wishing i could of.



posted on May, 7 2012 @ 12:22 PM
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Hate to say this fella but you need to move on, find someone who deserves your love.
I have been in the same boat as you and time is a great healer, go out and meet new girls and you will find love, heck If I can do it with my ugly mug anyone can
.
I take it you are a young man, mid 20's? maybe? so time is on your side so get out there and put yourself out to stud
edit on 7-5-2012 by boymonkey74 because: (no reason given)



posted on May, 7 2012 @ 12:31 PM
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I don't understand how things got from her wanting you to take her to prom, to her hating you. This makes no sense so I have to assume you've left something out. Why would she think you're a creep if you've had no contact? People don't have those feelings over nothing, especially someone they haven't had contact with. Something with your story doesn't feel right.



posted on May, 7 2012 @ 12:36 PM
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Wow, I'm sorry. I almost think I know how you feel. As far as answers, I still don't feel I know this particular situation well enough to advise, but I probably will anyway... What I can say, is this, regarding the ? in your thread title: If you end up together, then its love. If you don't, well then its plain to see you will need some help of some type. And I'll leave you with this: What in the whole entire world would it hurt to send her one private message saying this: "Would you please consider going out to have a cup of coffee with me sometime? Or ice cream, or whatever you prefer?"? But then, whatever she answers, you gotta accept that. The fact that you can appreciate a woman's finer qualities probably means there are plenty of girls who would appreciate that attention. Good luck!
edit on 7-5-2012 by 3n19m470 because: (no reason given)



posted on May, 7 2012 @ 12:38 PM
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I would say, you are not in love with her, but you sure are obsessing over her. For far too long. You've based your life around your obsession. Yes, I think, as you said, therapy is in order. Find out what deep inside of you caused you to base your whole way you view yourself, and your life, on a relative stranger.

Good Luck...you are missing out in so much in life. You deserve to be happy, what you are doing is not helping you get there.

Des



posted on May, 7 2012 @ 12:38 PM
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reply to post by JohnCreed777
 


It's hard to say why we feel attraction to certain people, but when your feeling it as strong as you are it's not so easy to "move on" even though you probably must at some point. Try asking her out now, at least you will know you tried if she doesn't return the feelings, but perhaps she will want to get to know you now...


Getting over a broken heart myself right now, so I feel your pain, and it sucks.....



posted on May, 7 2012 @ 01:01 PM
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Good comments so far!

From what you are telling us, this is someone whom you really do not know very well other that some light chit-chat during class while in high school. Sure, you got to say hello to your parents at your graduation, but that was about as close as you got to her family. In that kind of situation, everyone is on their best behavior anyways. So you really could not have gotten any real feeling about what her family dynamics were like.

You found her attractive visually. From that point, likely anything that she would have done would have been considered "cute" or "endearing" because you were in a period of discovering more about her to associate with the attractive appearance and as such, enhance your picture of her. Other than that, dreaming about what life would be like if the two of you were together is mere speculation.

As was mentioned above, you could send her a message to see if she would like to get together to "catch up" with each other. If she says "no", then you have your answer. If she doesn't answer, then you also have sort of an answer that she doesn't consider that you are worth the time to send a reply. If she accepts, then you at least have a chance to get to know her better and determine whether this is a relationship worth pursuing.

Don't dwell on the idea that you might have been able to go to the prom with her. It's too late to do anything about that now. Maybe you can ask her if she really told someone that, IF she agrees to meet with you.

In the bigger picture, you seem to indicate that, from what you already know, the two of you don't really have any strong common interests. That suggests that this is likely merely an infatuation because you found her visually attractive and have been allowing that to internally create your own anguish about it.

From my own experience, no matter who you find attractive -- at least visually/phyiscally -- there will somehow always be someone else who will show up who will be more attractive.

I suggest pursuing your own best interests (like getting a job that can support a family), and participating in activities that you find enjoyable (sports/hobbies/etc), and looking to develop relationships with women in these areas who share your interests. You may find that mutually shared interests and compatible personalities can hold a relationship together more strongly that visual/physical attractiveness. Remember that 'good' looks will diminish over time. See if you can find the actual person "inside" apart from the "outside" appearances.

Focus on the type of love that is 'action' instead of the type that is a 'feeling'. Whatever features that may be considered attractive on your potential future wife; if you can honestly tell yourself that you will still love her and work for the rest of your life to make sure that she is taken care of, even if those attractive features were removed (like due to an injury, or even just due to aging), then perhaps you have found the one who could become your wife.
edit on 7-5-2012 by davidchin because: typos



posted on May, 7 2012 @ 01:16 PM
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Like you said, love comes from a mutual relationship. You did not have a relationship with this girl. It was all one sided on your part, all your imagination. I don't know why all the drama, but if you were as obsessed as you say, she could probably feel that, and it is very creepy. Look, I'm not going to call you a "child," especially now, but your obsession began when you were very very young, certainly not a mature adult who has any idea what relationships are all about. You've never been in a complete adult relationship cycle so all this is new to you. But as a mature adult, unless you are blessed, you will go through the usual:

1. Attraction/Lust
2. Mutual Attraction/Love
3. The Good Times
4. Increasing Tension
5. Developing Contempt
6. Break-up/Rejection

In a mature relationship, both parties prevent it from moving to #4 by applying tolerance and compromise. Not everyone makes it. In fact, half of marriages don't. In the greater scheme of things, in what one hopes is a long and fruitful life, an obsession you had with a high school girl, which was a one-sided affair, is not worth worrying about. By the time of your 20th high school reunion she'll be a gray-streaked and dumpy grandmother. on her third marriage. Forget about her.



posted on May, 7 2012 @ 01:33 PM
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It is not love. It is a long-standing infatuation which is bordering on an unhealthy obsession.

You cannot love somebody you do not know.

Some people get an idea in their head and cannot let it go. You are only hurting yourself by clinging to it. As other posters have suggested, a little counseling to get at the root of why you keep your heart in chains by giving it to an unavailable chick from high school who "thinks you're a creep", as opposed to freeing it and finding a real love that loves you back, is in order.

Because, after all, unrequited love is so much easier to deal with than a real-life, intimate relationship that actually requires letting somebody in physically and emotionally.

The psychologist in me thinks you are using this infatuation as a defense mechanism against the real world of dating, intimacy, and socializing with the opposite sex. Forgive me if I'm off-base with this observation.

In any case, best of luck to you, and keep in mind that everybody deserves to be loved, and not just in their imagination.



posted on May, 7 2012 @ 03:40 PM
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Well, if you have her on fb, send her a long message explaining yourself, and then leave her alone. I kind of went through the same thing in Jr High. After high school I ran into the girl and we hit it off, ended up getting married, and then divorced 12 years later, but still ,got her out of my system.


You have NOTHING to lose by asking her for a date and coming clean. Just tell her what you told all of us. If you scare her away, then great, you have your answer,but if you do not come clean with her, you will carry this for years to come.

That is just my opinion.



posted on May, 7 2012 @ 10:15 PM
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Listen to schuyler and Fission. They are wise.

You are 24, per my calculations. I got married the first time at age 24, wanting kids. You don't have to follow that path. You have a free road ahead of you.

This bitty you have/had a crush on has to reciprocate your affections. Has she? Does she call you during the day, txt you on your cell phone, saying she loves you?

I think not.

Therefore, forget her. Move on. The are several good dating sites online, plentyoffish.com is free, and is a good way to meet people YOUR age. Setup a profile, and have fun. Other girls your age will be wanting your phone number, and you'll be talking to several of them at once.

WARNING: POF is like crack to a crackhead. Be careful, and delete your profile when you find someone.

You do NOT want to become a player, you want to retain your sincerity, but you WILL meet girls in your area, and be able to meet them in person, and you'll find that you have alot in common with them. Most of all, take it slow. You are young, so enjoy life.

Be a man, retain your dignity, and go explore the world.



posted on May, 8 2012 @ 01:48 AM
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About my last comment... Leave out the "please". I hope I'm not too late!

About the other comments... There is much wisdom there. But. All I gotta say is, do not accept a preemptive defeat! Get your answer. If you do love her, then she deserves to know how you feel. By staying quiet, you are lying to her! To the person you are supposed to love... If she says no, that's fine. Don't be a psycho about it, and move on. But if you haven't even tried, then its a little soon to call the game don't ya think?? You deserve to have her, ok? There's no question about that. If you will get what you deserve is another question. And she deserves a guy like you who will treat her good. That doesn't mean she will want that. A lot of girls, and guys, will punish themselves to no end... Not accepting the happiness they deserve. I know my situation is rare... But if there is even a small chance you can experience the happiness I know on a daily basis, then its worth a shot at the very least! I'm "obsessed" with my girl, and I got her! I suspect she may be "obsessed" with me, as well. It's like I said... If you end up together, it will be true love. If you don't end up together, it will be deemed an obsession and "you need help". Also, I would ask some of the people here if they have true love in their lives. Being that its so rare, I would at least question their authority in this area of life. You deserve to know who it is giving you this advice. Do they even believe in true love? Ask questions. Question authority. Etc. I know your chances may be slim, but trust me, its worth putting forth your best effort. Even if, for some crazy reason, it does only last a few years, you will grow and develop and become better at this for the next time. And you will have those few years of happiness you would have otherwise not had. And even if she rejects you outright, you will have your answer and be able to move on. Trust me, you won't be able to move on without an answer from her. You already know that... And even if she does reject you, she will know how you feel, and as long as you don't freak out and call her a bitch, the door will always be open for her to change her mind later in life... Don't worry about what anyone thinks about you. You need to get this off your chest and tell her how you feel. If she calls you a weirdo and tells you to leave her alone, oh well. At least you will know that you spoke the truth instead of living a lie. The truth shall set you free... one way or another.



posted on May, 8 2012 @ 09:42 AM
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reply to post by JohnCreed777
 



Over the years it just got weird, this infatuation evolved. It evolved without any reason to, she never spoke to me, I knew nothing about her, yet these feelings just grew without reason


Been there, done that...

You see friend, what happened is this. Your "love" for her didn't evolve....your "fantasy" of being with her did. In other words, BECAUSE she didn't talk to you, your brain had to fill in the gaps of what she was like, so of course, the "filler" was everything you see as perfect. YOU created her as your ideal woman, in your own mind. Don't feel bad, I'm sure most of us do this at some point (I know I did in High School)...

So, this "fantasy" of her became the ideal, and even an inkling that this was somehow destiny, etc. is driving you bananas....

No matter what, the reality is going to be different than what you've created in your mind. Concentrate on the real relationships you've had, and will have, is my advice. Don't get to caught up thinking about what might have been, as it likely would have been WAY different than you are imagining.



posted on May, 8 2012 @ 11:46 PM
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Originally posted by JohnCreed777

I discovered that Shes living at her parents house two blocks down the street from my apartment. I wish I could talk to her but showing up at her door would be inappropriate.



Why? It's not her "door" anyway, it's her mother's.

You need to get your head out of that "deep" fog it's in, some people call it a love coma, and come back to reality.

So she lives back with her mother? Be realistic and assume it's because of finances. It's not too far-fetched to assume. Which incidentally was the reason you came back. Let that be a conversation starter over a cup of coffee. "What have you done since high school?" That sort of thing. Keep it light and breezy. You said you made her laugh back in high school. There's something else. Everyone likes a good joke now and then, or just saying anything that will make her laugh. That always lightens up a situation. If you're not financially stable, make sure you're doing all you can to see that you will be soon. You can talk about that too. No woman likes a bum.

Remember that.

You sound like a sensitive guy and I think all sensitive guys have done what you're doing. Obsessing over a girl you think is out of reach and that any situation that comes up to where you can talk to her is "inappropriate." And it is inappropriate as long as you keep your feelings on that level.

Loosen your tie a bit and go talk to her. Go over there at 6 in the morning in your PJ's and 2 cups of coffee. That'll get her attention.


Maybe this song will help jar something loose.







posted on May, 10 2012 @ 11:44 AM
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reply to post by SilverStarGazer
 


You're right there were a few details I left out. 1. I live in a very small town in which rumors spread like wildfire. 2 she most likely has heard every single one 3 she spoke to me a few times in highschool. 4 I moved a thousand miles away so I could move on. 4 while I was away I made several attempts to speak to her on Facebook as was my only medium of communication, she ignored me every single time 5 I moved back and heard she had asked about me and I believed it because I so desperately wished it was true. My friend swears on his life that is what she said. 6 I tried once again the establish communication and once again she ignored me. I simply asked" hey, how've you been" nothing, perhaps I screwed up by not addressing her by her name,who knows.6 two other people have asked her the same question since then and she ignored them also. 7 I'm pretty good at reading people's emotions and behind that smile I know she's not happy because her eyes don't lie. 8 she's currently single because her last boyfriend hit her. 9 the fact that she ignores anyone who says " how are you" indicates that she is not fine but she's sick of pretending she is, ignoring the question simply makes it rhetorical so she doesn't have to say " I'm not fine." 10 I've done the best I can with what I've got, anything more would only most likely alienate her and make uncomfortable, not my intentions. 11 oh and the reason I know she thinks I'm a creep is apparently she told my friend she used to think that, apparently after the few small talk sessions we had she changed her mind. She refuse to even acknowledge my existence which indicates those old opinions are back in play. So, tell me, if you hated someone would you speak to them? I know I wouldn't.



posted on May, 10 2012 @ 12:20 PM
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reply to post by davidchin
 


I appreciate your advise, however it doesn't quite answer any of my questions. It would, on the other hand if you were right about how I feel. Bieng as I'm typing on a mobile device I'll explain more about your inquiries bawdy as I can from what I remember from just reading your reply. Yes, I did find her visually attractive. She is gorgeous, but if it was some sort of visual obsession then by pure logistics I should be obsessed over her best friend who happens to be a blond bombshell. You see, her physical beauty means nothing to me. It's simply coincidence that she is physically attractive, the beauty I see lies deeper within, this is what confuses me as I do not know her well enough to justify such views.

Her views about me are most likely based off of rumors she's heard. Believe me I've heard some unsavory ones about her, no rumor I hear whether it be true or not simply does not phase me. One time to test this a coworker of mine who knew her told me she had a fesces fetish. I thought that it was an actual rumor he'd heard, turns out he made it up on the spot. He got his answer when I simply said "so ?" now, if that hadn't been made up and was true then thatd be absolutely disgusting. However it wouldn't corrupt how I feel.

You see, I moved away so I could move on, I tried to meet other girls. In the end I ended up blowing them off because they weren't her. As freakish as that sounds its true, I'd rather due alone than build a relstionship off a lie. I didn't want to have to lie if a girl asked me if I thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world, or if a girl asked me if I loved her. Even after a year when u believed I was over her I was only lying to myself, I realized that when my friend managed to collapse every mental wall I had simply by saying" (blank) asked about you"

I most likely am Ill, thus I plan to schedule an appointment with a therapist to find the root of my problems, she probably dies think in a freak and a creep. I wouldn't blame her, hell, I'd agree, I do agree.
The thing is I don't care if she gets old, or fat, or loses an arm, or legs, or gets paralyzed, because I know that her inner beauty will never change. In my eyes who she is now is how I'll always see her, no matter what.

I agree, it is an unhealthy obsession, and it's very clear help is needed urgently. If that isn't messed up the I don't know what is. The funny/sad thing is I broke a girls heart once she was crazy about me, we had a lot in common. The thing is I has to blow her off before things got serious. I feel so horrible about it, I blew her off because she wasn't the girl this thread is about. I broke her heart and it was cruel, but it was better than dating her only for her to discover I felt nothing for her. This pain is what I deserve, I deserve to feel the way I made her feel, even if it lasts for the rest of my life.



posted on May, 10 2012 @ 12:26 PM
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reply to post by Taupin Desciple
 


I wish it were that simple. Unfortunately I could guarantee 99% how that would turn out, bad. Showing up like that or even at all would 1. Confirm her suspicions that I'm a creep and 2 it would really piss her off for putting her on the spot. She'd only feel trapped and uncomfortable. The fact that she only ignores me says it all, she has no desire to speak to me. She problem wants me to stay away, even on Facebook, she clearly wants space. I respect that, and I respect her, so space she shall have.



posted on May, 10 2012 @ 12:33 PM
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reply to post by JohnCreed777
 

Based on the post you just wrote, I feel you are using your unhealthy attachment to the girl, as an excuse to not be available for a healthy relationship. One that is not real, saves you from one that could be real.

You have some pretty deep issues, that you seem to be aware of. Why don't you start therapy to help you find out what it is that is keeping you stuck in this rut of self punishment. Because, you are punishing yourself when you don't have to.

Des



posted on May, 10 2012 @ 04:19 PM
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reply to post by Destinyone
 


Thanks des, but here's what's wracking at my sanity, how is it possible for such complex emotions to be created from an obsession. I will admit I have issues, but nothing so severe to create something like this. I'm not scared of being in a relstionship, I'd love to be in one. The only problem is it never feels right, granted in crazy about this girl, and I'm not 100% sure of what she thinksof me.

Obsession and mental illness aside, maybe live at first sight does exist as crazy as it sounds. Believe me I will see a therapist but after that I have a guy feeling that the therapist will say that I'm not crazy, I dunno I'll patiently move on and if she speaks to me, then I'll give it a go. As I said her ex beat her so I'm sure a relstionship is not what she wants. I'm fine with that, he'll id love to just be her friend, then at least she'd know a guy who would protect her.

What I want most is for this girl to be happy, I want her to find a gut that will protect her, care for her, and always be there for her. I want her to find a guy who makes her happy. Not some guy who only wants sex and beats her. She deserves a good guy, at least that much, even if that guy isn't me. all I want is to see happiness in her eyes, not pain veiled by a smile. Does that sound like obsession?





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