Is it unnatural for men and women to live together ?

I have often pondered this question, especially when I'm having problems with my partner.

I know that in many tribal systems, the men and women lived apart nearly all of the time. Children were raised by the whole tribe, not by the two parents.

Are we living unnaturally in this modern age, with the immediate family all under one roof ?

Any comments ? Are there ATS members out there who live separately to their partners, because it works better ?

I do get the constant feeling that the nagging is completely unacceptable.


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I live separately from my partner, due to being a newer relationship. I don't have any plans of allowing her to move in, at this time, and generally feel that this way is working better than my past when my partners and I did live together. I think being together constantly just brings tension, as I have yet to be with someone who didn't eventually strike a nerve with me, usually due to spending loads of time together.


Or maybe I have commitment issues, who knows.

reply to post by QUANTUMGR4V17Y


Thanks for your reply.

I am currently going through a trial separation with my wife. I feel so much better not being in her company all the time. I'm happier, more content, relaxed, and I can play any of my music whenever I want. I haven't had any issues sleeping alone, in fact I'm sleeping better.

I'm really starting to question the validity of 'shacking up' with your partner. Is it really necessary? Has it become more a financial decision rather than one born out of love for each other ? Let me be clear that I'm not questioning whether men and women should form relationships. It's more to do with the living arrangements.

Peace Out

Apparently penguins do it (i.e. stay together) . Having said that I'm not sure they stay with the same partner for the next season.

Personally I am completely confused. I both "love" my partner (wife) but it does not stop me from being attracted to other women. I love my children and would not want to spend a day away from them. But I see all sorts of women everywhere and I have almost uncontrollable desires to to hold and love and cherish them. So in short, I have no idea.

How do animals do it? Are we animals? Who knows.

There's just a difference between true love and "Man, she's hot, i want her" or "Oh, he's a rich guy, he's perfect" which sadly in most countries replaced true love. Today a couple gets together because of superficial causes and it leads to the "I can't listen to my music, she hates it", "We rarely do anything together, because he's not interested in what i like" and all the crap. Mostly because those people never listen to their heart and feelings but just think with their genitals and that's the reason so many people cheat on each other, that's why so many couples break up after a couple of months.

I live with my girlfriend together since over 7 years, it works so perfect because we do share most interests, we do alot of things together and always have fun. I can't even imagine living away her, i would miss her instantly.

And when i look at older people...my grandparents are married for over 50 years and always lived together, there are a lot of those examples
It's not unnatural...after all, we're not stupid animals who just live in instincts and don't even know what relationships are

reply to post by nimbinned


I was thinking the exact same thing, about how tribal people spend most of their time with their own gender.

Me, I'm a bit of a loner so I don't really like to spend a lot of time with anyone, female or male.

All I know is that I won't be living together with a woman anytime soon, it would drive me crazy. I'm a bachelor and I love it this way.

I don't have to asnwer to anyone and I can get my freak on anytime I want to.

I don't really need anyone to stimulate me mentally all the time.

And I sure as hell don't want to put children on this sick dying piece of rock we are on, so I really have no need for a steady relationship whatsoever.

reply to post by nimbinned


I have found that having a separate bedroom and a different shift working than hers has made things better. But that's just me.

We are not under each other’s foot all the time and we have the weekends to spend time together. Things are much more relaxed nowadays and what once were arguments have now turned into friendly, yet fiery debates.
( Lots of sarcastic humor during them, which didn't happen before )

So, to answer your question, I don't think it is unnatural to live together, I just think that there needs to be "Me" time for each individual.

No, it is not unnatural.

The problems between men and women working, living, and loving together are an artificially induced societal problem. Not a gender problem.

And when both genders finally figure this out, and start treating one another with mutual respect regardless of our body parts, is when the divide and conquer tactics cease to have their intended effect.

When Rome began their conquest of Europe, they ran into a problem immediately. More than one Centurion noted that not only were the Celts larger in size than Roman soldiers, but the women fought along side the men as an equals, and were even more vicious than their male counter parts. One centurion wrote that a single Celt warrior was a formidable foe, but if his wife joined, together they became exponentially stronger. That's a paraphrase. (Can't find the reference I was looking for to support this, but I'll keep looking.)

My point being, that when both, men and women stop fighting over their differences, and learn to celebrate and utilize those differences, turning them into strengths, they will be exponentially more powerful together, as a society, than they ever were as a divided species.

Those in the seats of power in this world know this. And it is why they have gone to such great lengths to keep us divided, and therefore conquered.

i just got done spending the evening with super dyke....she woman, of course...me man. in then end it seems we are all simply human. we all have our individual yet shared traits and personalities. i would support each individual having his or her own space, yet times like these don't necessarily allow for that privilege.

i personally live with my kid and his mom. we are no longer together, but we have arrived to a point where we realize our responsibilities..enough so that we are able to exist together in a civil manner. i work 6 days a week and save my money for a better future and she works 5 days a week and and spends all her money on flashy things. t

there will always be a disagreement on how each person should live life, but it's our responsibilities that allow us to share a space together.

i, in the end, feel the object isn't to separate ourselves from eachother, but to be more tolerant and compassionate.

for example. my kids mom, out of the kindness of her heart, let a drunk friend stay at our house...her drunk friend puked EVER"YWHERE...this is my opportunity to shine. i could yell at the top of my lungs and hate every inch of her being, ooooorrrrrr put myself in her shoes and realize that # this happens to the best of us and help her clean up and get on with her life...no guilt or hatred needed at all.

there is peace in my mother f'in house and i aim to keep it that way. you wanna bring # i'll show you the toilet and teach you how to dispose of it your self.

i have learned that COMMUNICATIION is THE number one necessity in having relationships with others.

can't dodge a tornado if there aint a system to warn us it's comin

as they say; absence makes the heart grow fonder.
i believe couples need sporadic intervals of time apart. living together often blurs the line of self and individuality. relationships tend to be more harmonic when each person maintains their own level of independence. i find when my husband works twelve hour shifts (bless his poor heart) i'm in a more agreeable state when he comes home and more apt to tend to his needs so he can rest. i take my time during the day to meditate, write, walk in the woods, make potions and of course, keep the house clean. i use this 'me time' to recharge and without it i'm quickly drained and can even get a little cranky. i'm a recluse by nature; it took me quite a while to adjust to married life and just being around another person so often. this might all just be personal experience, but i believe it's true for all couples on some level.

my spouse works in the oilfield and is gone for 3 weeks and home for 10 days and i find that our relationship works very well this way. it is spring lay-off right now so he has been home for 2 months and i think we are both going a little crazy. in our case distance really does make the heart grow fonder but i know this type of living situation doesn't work for everyone.

reply to post by ZiggyStardust


don't get me wrong, i love my husband dearly, but that time away that you described sounds like heaven. my hubby works on river boats, which mostly stay at the company dock; however he is occasionally asked to stay on the boat as it goes up and down the river. i believe a few of them have gone as far as south america. he refuses to travel for work, because he doesn't want to be away from me longer than he has to. we are quite opposite in that respect. i need time to myself; he borders on clingy. he's twenty years my elder and for some reason i had the notion that he'd matured to the point that he would be a bit more independent, and respect my occasional need for space.
there will always be conflicts in marriage no matter how compatible and in love two people are. nothing is ever perfect. the difference between a successful marriage and divorce is communication and mutual respect. we've only been married two years and i'm sure that, in time, things will get better as we learn more about each other and how to deal with our own problems, while still being there for the one you love. that's life! you live, you yearn, you love, you learn.
i feel like i'm rambling here, but i don't think i've necessarily strayed from the topic. this thread has invoked a lot of thought for me.

Originally posted by sunshineteaco
as they say; absence makes the heart grow fonder.
i believe couples need sporadic intervals of time apart. living together often blurs the line of self and individuality. relationships tend to be more harmonic when each person maintains their own level of independence. i find when my husband works twelve hour shifts (bless his poor heart) i'm in a more agreeable state when he comes home and more apt to tend to his needs so he can rest. i take my time during the day to meditate, write, walk in the woods, make potions and of course, keep the house clean. i use this 'me time' to recharge and without it i'm quickly drained and can even get a little cranky. i'm a recluse by nature; it took me quite a while to adjust to married life and just being around another person so often. this might all just be personal experience, but i believe it's true for all couples on some level.

Sunshine, sounds like we're kinda on the same wavelength. I have more respect and empathy for my wife when she is not around so much, so yes I need my own 'me' time to generate these feelings.

Reading the other responses, I think it might just be a personality (maybe even astrological) thing. For some it's OK and it works. For others, not so good.

Peace Out

It's not unnatural as long as they aren't under foot all the time. Quality time not quantity time, I would go crazy spending 24/7 with some one.

It is natural for men and women to live together. Surely that all of us are human, but ask yourselves this question. How did you two love each other in the first place? So the idea of living seperately just doesn't make any sense if you love each other. But the womens and mens brains are wired differently. So opposite genders run on a different channel. Guys, and girls have many likes and dislikes.

Majority of women like: Pink, romance, drama, soft rock, shiny objects, fluffy things, cute animals, flowers, perfume, fashion, make up, glitter, shopping, cooking, children, gossip, baby showers

Majority of men like: Blue, Rock and roll, Action, Games, T.V, fishing, golf, hockey, rugby, muscle building, construction, tools, military, hunting, insects


The people of the same genders enjoy each others company when they have a lot of the same interests. Don't get me wrong there are exceptions to some that have a wide array of interests as the opposite gender does, but I'm talking in general.

Who would enjoy a chick flick movie more? Guys or girls?
Who would more likely hog the T.V? Guy or girl?
Who would enjoy having a pink colored room? A guy or a girl?
Who is more into UFC? guy or girl?
Who is more likely to go on a hunting trip?
Who will be more likely to be afraid of spiders?

List keeps going on but you can tell of what gender it belongs to.

But spending time apart is what everybody needs. I do feel that I do need time alone when I want to. I would go crazy if I was with somebody I love all the time. It would get boring.

Marriage is a MAN MADE philosophy. Most animals dont pair up, very very few do. Its kind of stupid and when people get old together , most of the time they start looking alike and you cant tell the difference, man or woman. Then one dies and leaves the other which is 100% going to happen, then the other left is miserable until death. have fun with that

reply to post by avatard


The reason humans have been so successful is because two parents remain together, raising a child for a very long time together. the longer under protection, the more time they have to learn.

Which is why humans can build ipods and alligators are still eating decaying meat in florida.

Compare one species to another in the system usually doesn't work.It is kind of simple and ignorant. There are plenty of animals that do things that no other species do.

Originally posted by avatard
Marriage is a MAN MADE philosophy. Most animals dont pair up, very very few do. Its kind of stupid and when people get old together , most of the time they start looking alike and you cant tell the difference, man or woman. Then one dies and leaves the other which is 100% going to happen, then the other left is miserable until death. have fun with that

There's more animals that pair up than you might think. Monogamy is a choice, some people choose to spend time with other partners as long as they're okay with it. Losing someone from death is always not fun to deal with. But you move on, you have options find another partner. Or hang around with friends instead of being alone. Get a hobby.

Originally posted by Shrukin89
Who will be more likely to be afraid of spiders?

actually, i wear the pants in that respect, not spiders in particular. hubby is so scared of reptiles, if he knows there has been a lizard in the house at some point in the last 24 hours, he'll wear his shoes inside for the rest of the day. i realize this is probably a unique situation, but too funny not to share. he has actually threatened to shoot a lizard with his 45 while it was still in the house! whenever the cats drag a little creepy crawly in, given the poor thing is still kicking, hubby will freak, and i'll calmly pick it up as if it were nothing more than a lucky penny and take it outside, as far from the house as possible. i actually crawled under my mother-in-law's house to catch a 5-foot rat snake while he cowered at the threshold. ah, the silliness! now that i think about it, certain bugs scare him as much as lizards do. centipedes, wasps, and yeah, spiders too! you should see this man use a fly-swatter. he'll go in swinging like he's caught up in a swarm of bees when it's just one fly he's after. *wipes tear of laughter from face*

Originally posted by Shrukin89
It is natural for men and women to live together. Surely that all of us are human, but ask yourselves this question. How did you two love each other in the first place? So the idea of living seperately just doesn't make any sense if you love each other. But the womens and mens brains are wired differently. So opposite genders run on a different channel. Guys, and girls have many likes and dislikes.

Majority of women like: Pink, romance, drama, soft rock, shiny objects, fluffy things, cute animals, flowers, perfume, fashion, make up, glitter, shopping, cooking, children, gossip, baby showers

Majority of men like: Blue, Rock and roll, Action, Games, T.V, fishing, golf, hockey, rugby, muscle building, construction, tools, military, hunting, insects


The people of the same genders enjoy each others company when they have a lot of the same interests. Don't get me wrong there are exceptions to some that have a wide array of interests as the opposite gender does, but I'm talking in general.

Who would enjoy a chick flick movie more? Guys or girls?
Who would more likely hog the T.V? Guy or girl?
Who would enjoy having a pink colored room? A guy or a girl?
Who is more into UFC? guy or girl?
Who is more likely to go on a hunting trip?
Who will be more likely to be afraid of spiders?

List keeps going on but you can tell of what gender it belongs to.

But spending time apart is what everybody needs. I do feel that I do need time alone when I want to. I would go crazy if I was with somebody I love all the time. It would get boring.

edit on 6-5-2012 by Shrukin89 because: (no reason given)

You touch on an issue that I probably should have raised in my first post, but was a tad lazy.

I lived with my male buddies for most of my 20's and it was just one rolling party - totally wicked. We never really had disagreements. the house was always reasonably clean, food in the fridge, beer in the beer-fridge (ha ha), pot in the billy (ha ha), good music, good videos. It was what they would call these days a 'man cave'. Some of these friends are still living that lifestyle and I get envious sometimes, although they haven't had the kind of intimacy that I have experienced with my wife and they have no kids - I love my daughter more than life itself.

So, yes I think a lot of males would prefer to live that kind of lifestyle if they had the choice.

Peace Out