Wow. What a night. The following is a summary of my strange, life-changing experiences last night, to be preserved for posterity.
I had very little sleep.
There were Forces Happening in the Universe beyond my comprehension.
Thunder and lightning shook the house. Voices from out there. Surely a sign. Strange lights from outside the house entered the inside. Not just
lightning. It was as though dozens of deities--hundred perhaps--from just as many religious doctrines were battling one another for my unerring
commitment to them. Peering through windows I tried to make out whom or what I was dealing with.
Perhaps even Satanic forces?It was Dark, even with the flashes of lightning bolts overhead.
I could not be certain but I thought I gazed into the face of a tall giant being with a hammer--I can only assume this to be the personification of
the Norse god Thor! The only other possibility was that it was a hoodlum juggling a beer can which looked like a hammer. Others out there wore various
hoods and elaborate headgear and trappings of styles long past. Or maybe it was just a street gang of juvenile punks? No. This Meant something. It
meant that for so many deities to fight one another that I Had A Destiny! It also logically had to mean that I had a soul Worth fighting for. I don't
mean like a soul the size of a slug's bead of crap, but a Decent-sized soul...
My belly wasn't feeling right, probably from too much junk food. So I headed to the bathroom. I sensed an Entity within, but when I switched on the
lights no one was there! I recalled reading about Islamic beliefs of Satan or his demons living near or around toilets and outhouses. I pushed the
thought from my mind! I dropped my pants and sat on the toilet hoping to relieve myself and my belly problems. My sole intent was to leave a--as my
name suggests--Captain's Log in the bowl...
As I sat there, pushing so hard... A light appeared before me. Then an image formed. The man wore a simple robe, had a beard, there were bloody, torn
Holes in his hands! At first I thought it was Obi-Wan Kenobi from Star Wars--not the Alec Guiness version with the grey beard, but the Prequel
Obi-Wan. Nah, wasn't quite right, didn't have a lightsaber. Didn't even have a Belt to hang it off of... I equally dismissed it to be L. Ron
Hubbard. The Lord of Scientology? Too bad, I loved his "Mission Earth" series and "Dianetics" but this guy was bearded.
It was Jesus Christ Himself! He spoke to me in an odd, outdated 2,000 year old Hebrewic language which I hadn't a Clue about understanding. Yet I
understood it as though he spoke modern English.
He took my hand and said, "All is forgiven, my son."
Right then and there I swore allegiance To Him!
I was a frigging Fool to Not Believe. Though I had thought maybe Allah would have been the victor outside my door. I mean, after all, Allah made 9/11
possible for the Taliban. Obviously Allah had beaten Jesus or overpowered him. Or, I thought, perhaps Jesus during that crucial 9/11 moment was in the
same position I was in Right Now: on the toilet! Too bad, for converting to Islam would've allowed me to have multiple wives at once--and everyone
knows that sex is a great thing in Muhammad's Heaven.
As I pondered these strange thoughts, Jesus walked right through the wall--right through the toilet paper roll! I opened my eyes and I came to realize
that I must have fallen asleep trying to take a sh!t, that I had only dreamt Jesus coming for me.
No. I refused to believe it was a dream. This was Real. It Happened.
So I rushed back to my computer and became a member of the Landover Baptist Church: www.landoverbaptist.org...
These are the True Christians who have been serving the Lord since the 1600's. Their victories over the forces of Satan are legendary.
Tomorrow I will be baptized.
Praise The Lord!